Smackdown 11/28/13

Ahh.. Black Friday Night Smackdown. I wonder if everyone’s in the concorse of the arena mobbing the merch stand and Barrett Barrage Energy Bar souvenier stand? Maybe, or maybe not. In Canada, it’s starting to catch on too. I swear I saw almost half the country at Gordie’s Bait and Tackle, Hockey Skate Sharpening and All Purpose Maple Syrup Centre. Yep, all eight of ’em. They were all politely waiting outside in order to let the other people in, so the line never moved. Oh yeah, wrestling. Or as we up North call it, Le Wrestling, eh?

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Hopping time…

“I watch, write, suffer, and ride my moped to the shores of Vahalla. Because the funeral for Aces and Eights was fucking awesome, and if you only watched WWE or NJPW or other indie stuffs, you fucked up. After 18 months of torture, Gene finally kicked Claire’s unintentional baby out of the Impact Zone. Also, go fuck yourself, RAW review.

– You know you’re not being when used when you appear in the opening graphics more often than you do on the actual show, right Brodus Clay?

– Great, it’s Randall Keith Orton and he’s out here to talk! Did you order your official Viper pillow from WWE Shop dot com? I sure did. Actually, I streamed it illegally. Err… streamed on it. Illegally. I broke into Stamford’s storage and was arrested for trespassing and urinating on their stock. Don’t judge me, this guy is rumored to shit in people’s bags.


I’m not sure what is the funniest part of this gif…

– Renee Paquette is interviewing Orton about his thrilling match on Sunday’s PPV. It was so exciting the crowd could audibly respond. The level of awe and respect from that five star classic will never be duplicated and it changed the wrestling landscape forever. He says all of this. Renee continues to interrogate Orton about his displeasure of John Cena’s implications of possibly setting up a title unification match at the TLC PPV (official music is “Don’t go streaming waterfalls”), because the two belts hold the utmost level of prestige. They command so much respect, to discredit their heritage and lineage would be a damn shame. He then leads the entire audience in a staggered rendition of “Micheal, Row Your Boat to Shore” that brings a tear to my eye. The heavens open, Jay Kreist pops in and every gets a free doughnut. Invert every thing I just said, and that’s what really happened. Or did it?

– J.T. is desperately attempting Brodus Clay in the audience who is dressed up like Baby Huey from those old 60’s comic books that my dad used to collect. I found a Playboy in his old box of comics once. It was pretty awesome. I also found an issue of Journey Into Mystery that featured the fourth ever appearance of Thor and the first ever appearance of Loki. The Loki fold-out was really hot. Genitals were fondled.

– * Mark Henry vs. Curtis Axel. Mark Henry is accompanied by Big E. Langston. B A Star, WWE. I’m not directly implying anything, but there seems to be this tendency in the WWE that needs to change. Fortunately for all of us, Mark Henry makes short work of Axel and crushes Axel in a throw away match. Speaking of garbage, Ryback accompanied Axel to the ring. I hope the WWE can help recapture the magic of Henry that he had prior his last run before the string of injuries sidelined him.


These are some devastating moves.


Needs more W.O.R.M.

-Truth and Consequences, AHEM, are seen backstage enjoying their debut on the WWE last week… AND HOLY SHIT, IT’S BRODUS CLAY AND HE’S BACK TO BEING ANGRY BRODUS CLAY! He slaps Professor Xavier in the face, and this cripples him! HOLY SHIT!!! IT’S TENSAI! He tries to make peace between the four. R-Truth carries his friend to the hospital where Xavier is given a wheel chair. A few weeks later, Truth would learn from his mutant pal that he too had special untapped inner powers, and in his case, the ability to transcend over shitty pushes and remain employed based on sheer ability.

– There has been some backstage Thanksgiving eating contest between the Medicore Khali and Titus Oneil going on for a couple segments. Titus wins, as Khali passes out and by winning he gets to face Antonio Cesaro. Oh god… remember that scene in Stand By Me when the blue berry pie kid drank all that castor oil before the contest? And Cesaro has the swing move gimmick? This is going to make sitting close at Sea World seem like a much more enjoyable experience. And shit, who doesn’t love getting soaked in salmonella?

– J.T. is seen being stretchered out by EMT’s mumbling something about calling his Momma. Dude, I called 911 even though the person who answered kept saying, “Knock, knock?” I guess Flava Flav and Chuck D came correct. I came incorrect once. Loki fold-outs, man. Tensai was not reached for comment, he does play-by-play on NXT and is getting paid ridiculous sums of money to do it. One J.T. was harmed in the making of this lie.


Kicking it.

– * Los Matadores and El Torito vs. 3MB. Yep, El Torito has officially transcended the team he is a gimmick for. I suspect El Torito is actually Zeus. Zeus mythologically is known for appearing like a bull to women in hopes to fuck them. Look it up. Yep, El Torito is the Tom Lister, Jr reincarnate. They all wrestle, and it’s one of those matches Jim Cornette loves. You know what else is bull? El Torito clears the heels while in the ring with Drew McIntyre. Remember when we were hearing about McIntyre getting repackaged? Well, tonight he was The Chosen one to job out clean to the other comedy trio as the Colon cousins hit their dual finisher on him because they are from Puerto Rico. In all fairness, for a comedy match, I did enjoy this one. All bullshit aside, I left the shit part in dude’s bag backstage.


“Very rare” huh? Yeah, finding a fool who would spend that kind of money on an EMPTY BOX is also very rare. I have empty boxes I can sell idiots too. If you’re one, please line up outside of my place for a couple days starting December 1st. All empty boxes will be available for sale on December 45th.

– * Tons of Funk vs. R-Truth and Xavier Woods. I’m not sure what to think about Tons of Funk. They look super generic. Brodus got a bad deal, and Tensai got good money to leave NJPW. Then in this match they Truth and Consequences (Xavier, most specifically), and decenssion between the Funkadactyls seem to be where this is headed.

– Punk is interviewed by Renee about his involvement with the Shield. Punk hasn’t decided who he likes most, and will make the decision to attack them shortly. Looks like it’ll be Reigns, but you never know.

– Wyatt promo time! Bray talks about something cryptic. Nothing major… or is it?

– * Titus O’Neil vs. Antonio Cesaro. Titus sells his overeating before anything even happens. I’ll give the dude credit, he got the idea of being sluggish and sweating gravy in this match. Cesaro carves him up like a misguided turkey, who should’ve known that it was destined to be eaten by Canadians in October, and not during the fake celebration by Americans in November. Cesaro asks Titus how to get to India to purchase some medicinal herbs, and then imports some blankets. The blankets make Titus sick, who pukes in JBL’s hat, and then puts the hat back on JBL’s head atop of Killamonjaro. I think Darren Young ran in to give Cesaro a DQ ewin and prevent the big swing. Michael Cole puts on his old-timey wrestling head gear as prescribed by Isaac Yankem, and then China shoots Dr. Who clones out of a T-Shirt gun at random people while vomit rules the day. Some of that happened.

– Total Shop Diva Zone propaganda. Meh. ThinkSoZombiEJoE returns for a and kills and eats JoJo. I smile.


Gravity always wins.

– Random shout out to @mavenfanBWF. I don’t know if what was said is totally true, but who am I to not send a high five back?

– John Cena, Kendra Lust, and ADR video replays are shown. Jenna Jameson announced she’s coming out of retirement. Fatal fourway?

– FUCK YEAH! SHATTERED DREAMS PRODUCTIONS! I like pickled spears, I ate a couple on Sunday. Most of the faces ate four. If they had cocaine hands, they’d need 5. Goatboy has until 5. 5 is not the loneliest number. It used to be 1, until 1 sold it’s soul to Milhouse who then listed it on Kijiji and turned a nice profit to 6. 6 proclaimed he had until 3, because that’s the rules. Then Bobby beat his ass with a wah wah pedal and all was well in the world for some time.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlkBk7X4ot4[/youtube]

– I saw RAW on Monday. I just hope Matt Classic, Scotty Goldman, AND Colt Cabana team up. Just because kayfabe.

– * WWE Tag Team Title Match: Cody Rhodes and Goldust {C} vs. The Shield (Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns). FYI, Dean Ambrose is on commentary for this whole thing and kicks some ass through out. The first half of this match is solid and builds the intensity, as it should.


I heard you needed more Spear. I got you more Spear. SPEARS FOR ALL!

– Not enough spear? You glutton! MURDERED TURKEYS EVERYWHERE!!! Send me some leftovers, ‘Murica. And Ambrose brings all the desert you need on commentary in this match by enhancing the match and the team. He’s brilliant. The other four bump like hell in the second segment and the camera can’t decide who to watch. If you catch anything from Smackdown, just like the PPV last Sunday, this is it. They give the boys a triple shot…

– And we’re BACK. Ambrose has his foot up on the announce table and his arms tucked behind his head having watched The Shield destroy The Rhodes on the App during the break. Nice touch. Fuck that app. This is almost better than the whole Survivor Series PPV. Just go watch it, and but the shirt. Also buy the replay. Shred rape your credit card, and super-dick the charge to your credit card RIGHT NOW because BLACK FRIDAY and SHOP ZONE or something. Great bout. The match is ruled DQ, but in all fairness this is free TV. It’s not like they should be giving away traditional Survivor Series matches or title changes on free TV then offer up a shit PPV for $55? They would never do that. Ambrose interferes and the Punk runs out. Vic-Rod makes it a 6 man tag match. with the Undertaker! HOLLAH!


The American “Pittbulls” bringing their “psychology” to NXT…

– * WWE Tag Team Title Match: Cody Rhodes, Goldust, and CM Punk {C} vs. The Shield (maybe for the tag titles, or something). The ghost of Teddy Long is hanging out with Jorge of BWF Radio. They discuss the paradox of the Social Sciences trying to be objective while they are inherently subjective. They both agree, like most, that Economics is the most sound, rational, and objective all of the disciplines. Then they book a reverse Royal Rumble. Then the Wyatts are out to observe. So now things are really clustered. Once again, a great start to an impromptu Teddy Long Time match. The flock runs in and sheep are everywhere! I spot Stevie Richards and The Blue Meanie fighting people in the crowd! Holy shit! Exclamation points! ! ! !

Vickie Guerrero finds a new way to change things. Now this match and restart.

– – * WWE Tag Team Title Match: Cody Rhodes and Goldust {C} vs. The Shield (Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns) vs. The Wyatt Family vs. The Rey Myster-Usos. Shit, this match took up the last hour. That’s some crazy shit that didn’t cost $55. Huh… I have no complaints about the last portion of this match. Sure, it got bigger and bigger like my erection due to the Playboy comic book box that harbored the first appearance of Loki. He was the Norse god of mischief, after all. Mysterio ultimately hit his 619 on Bumbles (AKA Rowan) and won for the massively increased penis size because “cock talk every Sunday at 2PM EST on BWF Radio”.

– Sadly, BWF theatre was closed this week due to an outbreak of laziness and that ”Murica celebrates a fake holiday.


Hopefully ‘Murica had a good fake Thanksgiving…

Suicide side note: ProWrestling Power House’s own Christopher Epps and RWR/MLW’s Alice Radley may or may not appear in some capacity on podcasts hosted by, or promoted by Bored Wrestling Fan. They do no necessarily share any of my idiocy. The rest of the BWF staff has to defend me. That’s how we roll. Incrimination by association. I stepped on a bug who was the cure for some disease that needs to be cured. That’s actually ThatDamnDoubleC’s fault. Catch you next week, jerks.,

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

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The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

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Shameless Plugs!

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