Smackdown 12/13/13: Go Away Show

And so it begins. Out Slammy fallout and last ditch effort to sell a PPV. It’s hard to care about this episode of Smackdown, seeing that I have very little reason to care about said PPV and this Sunday on BWF Radio we are holding our own annual awards. Tonight’s episode is nominated for least fucks given of the year. Will it win? Only one way to find out. You know the drill, click the link because it’s…

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Hopping time…

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work… etc., albeit I’m taking it easy this week because this episode means shit.

– So our show kicks off with Daniel Bryan coming down to the ring with his many Slammys even though it’s set up to show off the two titles being unified with a bunch of ladders set up around the ring. Then the Wyatts make their sullen entrance right out of nowhere. WTF? I mean, I get the story lines, but it just seems bizarre to see everything set up for Cena/Orton to come out… and then…

– * Daniel Bryan vs. Eric Rowan. Yawn. So I begin eating a mandarin orange. It’s pretty tasty. This match isn’t terrible, it’s just redundant. I suppose having the least relevant Wyatt’er job out to Bryan makes some sense. But of course it ends in interference by Bray. At the end of the match, as the hosses go to attack Bryan, he bails out of the ring and nails Bray literally out of his rocking chair with The MTBJC and “Yes!”‘s off up the entrance ramp.


Cool spot.

– * Non-Title Match: Goldust and Cody Rhodes {C} vs. The Real Americans. The Real Americans run down to the ring and javelin toss their flag-javelins into the ring and at the dangling titles. Weird. Then Coulter cuts a promo about some street Santa collecting money who says Feliz Navidad. Therefore he’s an immigrant. The Rhodes Bros enter and our action gets underway. This ends up being a pretty entertaining bout, even though I expected just run ins. Instead, all four men are given time to shine and put on a pretty lengthy match. Ultimately, Cesaro hits his European Undercut spot on Cody and gets the clean pin. Coulter loses his mind, overjoyed that his team got the win. Calling the “he who wins on the episode before the PPV” rule here.


It’s what’s best for business… Source

– Bad News Barrett magically appears and tells us that fans put false hope into superstars by voting for them at The Slammys. And the bad news is that we are all losers and our heroes will face that reality because while we live vicariously through them, they all suck compared to Barrett. Fuck that. That’s code for the McMahon’s being pissed that Daniel Bryan won all of those awards on RAW.

– * Mark Henry vs. Damien Sandow (Big E Smalls is on commentary, kicking a free style rap with JBL while Micheal Cole beat boxes). Sandow realizes early on a straight forward attack is not going to work, and gets tossed from the ring. Sandow then notes fuck this, and intentionally gets himself counted out. Smalls then tosses him back in, but Sandow sneaks away yelling “This Sunday!” at Sandow then fleeing from the I.C. Champ.


I think so, Joe… DUST CLOUD!

– Booker T sells ‘E Swag down by the ‘E Store.

– * AJ Lee & Tamina vs. The Bella Twins. Natalya joins commentary, and so she bickers with Cole about Total Divas (which goes head to head with TLC on Sunday). The Bellas stink up the joint, and four baby Pandas die due random velociraptor attacks. A Panda from the future (named, “Panda” coincidentally), time travels back to prevent said attacks from happening, but accidentally brings back cyborg velociraptors which kill another 12 baby pandas and maim 2 others. “Panda” the panda is also murdered. See what you did Bella Twins? God damn. A.J. gets her side-body hug thing on a Bella and wins or some shit.


Said Wombat, rides a turtle because it can.

– John Cena is in the ring next to talk about unifying the titles. His microphone is screwed up and his audio is really low. Cena notes Orton has a glass jaw and will always run away when things don’t go his way. Meh, it is what it is. It’s an ok Cena promo, but nowhere near his shtick in the closing segment on Monday.


Just in time for the holidays.

– * The Shield vs. The Usos. Dean Ambrose joins commentary (which in itself makes this match highly watchable). They let this one breathe, and Ambrose enhances the action in the ring by keeping the announcers focused on what’s going on, and what the story is. The Usos take it to Seth Rollins, and Mr. Slammy, Roman Reigns, only makes occasional appearances in the first half. It makes me wonder how ready this guy REALLY is ready to carry himself through a 15 minute match on his own? I’d argue no.

– Then it happens. Cole ponders if CM Punk could actually win in the 3-1 match on Sunday.

Ambrose quips, “I could sprout giant wings, right now, and I could fly out of this building, right now… I could grow antlers out of my head, right now… JBL could spontaneously combust, right now…”
“That would be terrible for commentary,” retorts JBL attempting to keep a straight face as Ambrose shoots daggers into Cole from his eyes.
“Are you going to think about that? Are we going to talk about that?” Ambrose calmly and smartly continues.

– Those were probably the lines of the night.

– Meanwhile, our match continues and Reigns gets more ring time here. The Usos get some near falls, but it’s just not enough. Jimmy-Jay lands a superkick and goes for a cross body on a fallen Rollins, but then opts to fly to the outside. Then one of them Uso-types eats a sick spear from Reigns. The Shield recover in the ring as the referee nearly counts them both out. One of the twins makes it in, and gets curb stomped. Rollins mocks the GTS setup, then tags in Reigns who spears said random Uso twin for the pin and the win. Great match!


There’s so many reasons this is funny.

– CM Punk appears on the Russo-tron. He’s in The Shield’s backstage hangout. He talks about “believing” and his beliefs. Punk notes he might be going down, but the question is how many of them he is taking with them.

– * The Big Show vs. Ryback. Well, here’s certainly a contrast from the last match. A whole lot of slapping and being oversized and bald in this one. Curtis Axel stands at ringside, I guess. As does Rey Mysterio. They both begin to unroll their sleeping bags and proceed to take naps. They hardly have a chance to enter into a slumbery state as Show murders Ryback. Curtis Axel foolishly interferes like a fool, and foolhardily takes a Show-setup 619 via Mysterio for his tomfoolery.


There’s so many reasons this is NOT funny.

– Another Wyatt video. Bray is maniacly and emotionally talking about putting his neck on the line for “you.” He talks about leaving this world behind… then whispers something about destroying stuff. He’s too quiet to understand. Oh well.

* Alberto Del Rio vs. Kofi Kingston. I guess ADR isn’t THAT concussed? Nope, in runs the Miz who is stealing ADR’s gimmick of switching from face to heel on a weekly basis as the holidays near this year. Miz lays out Kofi, with his patented “Nobody-Cares” special move. That’s about that. Moving on.


@Charles Barkley @G: “Like my trenchcoat, G? I can conceal weapons I can use on you when I find you…”

@G @Charles Barkley “Umm… Merry Christmas?”

– Great. Orton is going to the ring to publicly apologize to accidentally laying out Stephers on RAW. This is going to be a winner for an award on BWF Radio this Sunday, I’m sure. J.T. is seen in the audience eating a Jorge cheeseburger made by Joe or something. No regular jokes this week. Speaking of jokes, Orton begins to speak. He calls out HHH to talk to him robot to man. Orton appeals to HHH’s sense of reason that what happened was an accident. Clips are shown. I realize this is our main event. THE FUCK? Here’s some logos:


Alternate WWE logo designs for the network.(graphic artist: John Lefteratos)

– Orton shows more angles and slow-motion footage of him attempting an RKO on Bryan and is tossed into Stephanie. Orton admits lots of shit went down on Monday, but he only cares about apologies by him to HHH and Steph. HHH reminds Orton he’s seen the footage numerous times as those are his cameras and he’s watched the footage over and over again. Wait, what? Isn’t that more creepy than anything? Wow. Firing Orton wouldn’t be best for business, shocking, I know. Hunter acknowledges, “A lot of shit went piss poor on mother fucking RAW, just like with my first incarnation of Sin Cara. But I’ve fixed that, you see, because sales for that little midget’s gear went through the roof in Europe. That’s a fucking cash cow, Randall! DO YOU HEAR ME! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY UNITS OF RANDALL KEITH ORTON ORANGE SKIN DYE WE SELL PER ANNUM IN FLO RIDA? YES, THAT RAPPER DUDE! DO YOU KNOW, JACK?!?!??”. HHH’s words, not mine. Hunter kind of forgives him, and they make all sexy like and give each other a handjob and then…

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

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The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?

Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.

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Shameless Plugs!

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