Who quits the WWE forever… tonight!?!?!?!??
“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. Thank god ThinkSoJoE’s favorite wrestler of all time, Christian, returns tonight. I noticed he erected a mashed-potato sculpture in Christian’s honor. That was nice of him.”.
– The Shield makes their way out after a lengthy reminder of the haphazardly rewritten RAW from Monday when CM Prank took his ball and went to play some basketball with Charles Barkley. Ambrose claims any of them placed in the Chamber would walk out of the EC PPV match as champion. Reigns claims he knows he would win. Ambrose won’t apologize for trying to toss Reigns out, Reigns won’t apologize for actually throwing Ambrose out. They get up in each others’ faces, then Seth services them and eases their pain. Rollins notes The Shield need to get their shit together and take out the Wyatts. Ambrose claims they will wipe the Brayatt Family off the windshield of justice. Vic-Rod interrupts planning on making history, only to walk into a glass wall as HHH interrupts. HHH gets it, the Brayatts cost The Shield a chance to get the title, and they need to let it go. Hornswoggle is released from a cage beneath the ring and runs into the audiences stabbing random fans with his Little Jimmy. HHH says he meant something different and Roman Reigns stares into HHH’s eyes and says, “You don’t understand, we’re not looking for your approval.” Hunter says fuck it, polls the crowd, and makes The Shield vs The Brayatts (maybe in a cage? I have one of those. I can always evict the current resident of said cage). Then Teddy Long comes out and books all of them in a tag-team match, one-on-one, with the Undertaker, playah. Holla.
So there was a PPV last weekend…
– * Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match: Antonio Cesaro vs. Dolph Ziggler. Well, shit. I want both of these guys in the Chamber match. So the question is who do you want to see job out more? Hrmm… I choose… I choose… both! Hopefully this is just given time to breathe. Oh wait, all the WWE is ruin shit lately. The match starts off pretty decently, and we hit a break, so this bodes well. When we come back, Ziggler locks in his sleeper hold, and is reversed into a modified side-body slam. Then Cesaro tosses Ziggler into the air for the European uppercut, only to be reversed into a DDT! Then a Zig-Zag attempt is reversed as Cesaro grabs the ropes and Dolphins1925 falls down. Those were some cool spots, fuck yeah. Airplane spin, it’s a shorty… Neutralizer? Yep, Cesaro gets the pin, the win, and a golden ticket to lose at the PPV!
@Charles Barkley @G: “I totally rejected CM Punk like 90 times in a game of one on one.”
@G @Charles Barkley “He totally rejected the WWE Universe in a game of fuck-this-shit-I-quit, LOL… or did he?”
– * Fandango vs. Xavier Woods (nobody gets put in a chamber stip). R-Truth continues his harassment of Micheal Grabvoski Cole because he sincerely hates European players. He thinks they are cheap shot artists, and SAWFT. Don Cherry runs down and accosts Summer Rae and The Funkadactyls until J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign stating, “Stop! They’re already dead!”. Turns out they are, as Don Cherry was actually ThinkSoZombiEJoE who was wearing a mask and having a flesh eating relapse. He got hooked on my personal collection of scabs Jorge stole from my apartment, and when they ran out, JoE’s withdrawls went sour, and he turned, turned, turned. I get bored, this whole program is dumb. Fandango won or something. But Truth runs into the ring afterwards and racist stereotypes prevail as Grandmaster Funky Sexay Flash take their song and go home, leaving Ernest “The Cat” Miller without a ride at the arena and the murdered corpse of Brodus Clay. Clay slowly becomes covered with sediment and layers of rock, and the pressure and friction eventually turn him into fossil fuels that an futuristic alien race will scour the galaxy for to reach 100% completion in Milton Bradley’s Game of Life. That game is still oddly around, as is Ric Flair, who makes the odd appearance at the alien race’s version of the Olympics. It’s a total work, but the aliens’ don’t care. They were born without souls, rather just Marklars. Because.
Pretty much. I’ll just keep on stealing that shit. Good job, WWE. LOL.
– * Ryback and Curtis Axel vs. The Prime Time Players. Ryback tweets, deletes, and repeats Curtis Axel. Darren Young is GLAAD, as he was honored by them (you silly homophobe). Too bad nobody told Curtis Axel who makes short work of Young, who hits his finisher and takes out Young. This match is short. Titus looks angry as fuck as Young bleeds from the mouth. So the team breaks up. B A Star. Titus kicks Young in the face after calling him dead weight. Wow, I wonder what creative has for either of them now? Maybe they’ll start new teams with Maven and Mike Knoxx respectively? Never say never, guys! Titus takes his future endeavored and heads home.
– There is a radio/TV show on the same channel as WWE programming called “Bray and Walker”. I wonder out loud to myself if they are Wildcats? A Jaguar attacks me. Not the predatory beast, but the car. Only The Fantastic Four get my random out loud utterance summoning correctly. You don’t even want to know what happens when I say, “Jenna Jameson” out loud. Let’s just say it involves Spiderman and some really awkward moments with Stan Lee.
An Alexandre Daigle promo airs, because number one in the NHL draft. A Vince Russo promo airs, because best wrestling champion ever. That dude with the loincloth from Bulgaria got called up, because Wellness policy and Royal Rumble appearance. El Generico looks really different without a mask.
– Note to self, clean up the “spider webbing” in the kitchen.
– * Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match: Jack Swagger vs. Christian. ThinkSoJoE looks on eagerly in anticipation of Christian’s lock for victory here. Me, I expect Swagger will win, and this will put them both in the EC chamber and set up the inevitable Cesaro face turn storyline. Zeb Coulter is on commentary this time… he’s awesome, of course. This match is ok. Both guys do a good job, and I’m not hating. It’s also worth a look, but not at the level as that opener. They get their own set of reversals in, which is ok. Turns out I was wrong, and Joe’s favorite wrestler of all time gets the win! One more match, Joe! Swagger also bleeds at the mouth, as we learn that there is a really bad bout of gingivitis going around the locker room. The Dirt Sheets are reporting that it stems from some unmixed-strawberry-yogurt that craft services had at the Royal Rumble, and a number of workers ate. Jack Swagger takes his rotten corpse eagle mascot and goes home. He does things to it. Terrible things. Breaking news! Text messages between HHH and his pals leaked!
– Sting just noted the following:
– And we’re back…. I guess. Wow, the internet makes trolling people easy, huh? LOL.
– * Damien Sandow vs. Kofi Kingston. Well, shit. Another match that I should care about, since I like both of these two. And guess what? It’s actually pretty solid. There doesn’t seem to be any relevance for it, though. And the crowd is incredibly dead at times. But Kingston wins, and the crowd pops, which tells you something. The WWE really really fucked up with Sandow. I don’t know how they can fix this, and that makes me a sad panda. The WWF takes the WWE’s “F” and goes home. Fuckers. I burn down all bamboo resources in China and chuckle. Well Johnny Storm did, because I flew there and shouted the “D” word. You’re welcome.
– I secretly suspect Cody Rhodes is the new HBK. His former tag partners all seem to wither away. Goldust is next.
– Then we are reminded of how Brock Lesnar murdered both Rhodes Bros during/after the match with The New Age Outlaws on RAW. Brad Maddox listened to Gríma Wormtongue, but the Eye of McMahon was too powerful and the Balrog was just too much.
I wonder… just wonder…
– Then ThinkSoJoE and Jorge hit the ring!
Joe (improvises his NAO shtick): ….
Jorge: My pants fell down.
J.T.: I stole your pants, and then I mailed them to MavenFan.
Mark: What? I staked a claim on those pants!
G: What the fuck, I wasn’t even planning on evening putting a BWF Theatre segment in this episode! The Roadie is wrestling Single C, single R right now! Get the fuck out of my apartment!
Jorge: How did I get here? What was my vehicle selection?
Mark: You should have gotten here via The Lex Express. I don’t think G has used that one yet.
Joe: I don’t do my homework, don’t look at me.
JT Hogan: I invented homework, brother!
G: You ruined our childhoods, then.
JT Hogan: I invented… brother… wait… Nick’s calling.
Jorge: This is awkward. Hey look, new scabs. Can I have a UGHHH!!!!
Joe-Gollum: THOSE ARE MINE! ALL MINE!!! PRECIOUS!!! Alive without breath; As cold as death;
Mark: What the fuck?
Joe-Gollum: Never thirsting, ever drinking; Clad in mail never clinking.
Jorge: Joe, are you ok?
JT HHH: Best for business. One ring to rule them all!
Joe-Gollum: Drowns on dry land, Thinks an Island Is a mountain;
J.T. Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your senior drill instructor. From now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be “Sir”. Do you maggots understand that?
BWF Recruits (Jorge, Mark, Joe, G): [In unison in a normal speaking tone] Sir, yes Sir.
J.T. Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit I can’t hear you. Sound off like you got a pair!
BWF Recruits (Jorge, Mark, Joe, G): [In unison, much louder] SIR, YES SIR!
J.T. Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit! Because I am hard, you will not like me. But the more you hate me, the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that?
G: Wait, you’re not Sergeant Slaughter.
J.T Hogan: I invented making the American military into heels, brother!
Joe: This isn’t right…
Jorge: This is the darkest timeline.
Mark: Oh, so it’s Daniel Bryan’s push. I get it.
J.T.Foley: My next Christmas story is entitled, “How the WWE can go fuck itself, please buy me a new TV from my Amazon wishlist.”
Joe-Gollum: Thinks a fountain Is a puff of air. So sleek, so fair!
J.T.: Are we not done with Gollum references?
G: Nope. The poem isn’t over. Go order a cheeseburger.
Joe-Gollum: What a joy to meet! We only wish To catch a fish, So juicy-sweet!
Joe: What is wrong with me?
G: Withdrawls. I made you a zombie briefly in the Smackdown review again.
Jorge: You kind of smelled funny on Sunday.
Mark: Was is like Mark Henry’s Stank?
J.T. Mark Henry: THAT’S WHAT I DO!
Joe: I rub Mark Henry on myself everyday, I should’ve smelled normal.
Jorge: I ran over four people driving Joe to work on Sunday. Didn’t matter. I bought more windshield wiper fluid at the local Shell station. I topped up my car with some all-natural Butch Reed fluids. I bought one of those little tree air freshners. It hasn’t made a difference for five days. Smelled like Dwayne was cooking up a vat of “blown-up.”
Joe: So Batista at WrestleMania, essentially?
BWF Recruits (Jorge, Mark, Joe, G): YES SIR!!!
G: Wasn’t I making some kind of reference to Batista being “All-Natural” like Butch Reed?
Mark: Not making the blonde joke, G.
G: Do it.
Joe: Come on man, we all know that’s not natural.
Mark: Wellness policy?
G: Do it.
Jorge: Why are you pressuring him to make a joke about a genetic impossibility?
G: Do it.
J.T. Hogan: I invented being a raci… wait.
G: Exactly. I take the only copy of the script and go home. Even though I am at home already.
J.T: So what happens next?
G: Smithers, release the hounds.
– And just like that, the rest of the BWF Radio team are sent packing, running in fear of dogs I don’t own. I let them free. They were stashed in my apartment basement with Charles Barkley, J.T., and Joe. All of them are free. Good thing I didn’t mention the landmines, and the moat filled with genetically modified crocodiles I set up in advance. It’s a shame to see the BWF roster of talent all tragically dying in such a preventable fashion. Oh well, I couldn’t do anything about that.
Call it in the air, Mark! Nice! Ok, 500 Up!
– * Cody Rhodes vs. The Road Dogg. Another short, albeit, but fun match. Cody is the winner, landing multiple drop kicks, as he likes to do. It’s keeps the heat between the two, which is important to The New Age Outlaws return. It doesn’t matter to me that they are back. They are booked well, as are the Rhodes Bros. The culmination probably with be at the Elimination Chamber. If so, and we get the Cody/Goldust match or not, this only helps the tag division exist. They broke up the PTP’s over a throw away match tonight after all. Everyone in this match remembered to brush their teeth, so there’s that. Kudos.
Why you tripping, man? Love the reaction of the fan.
– A WWE Network ad airs, mostly focusing on The Monday Night Wars because it’s not like a DVD or ten has put out about that. Post segment, a countdown clock is show at 24 days, 1 hour, 28 minutes, and 23 seconds or so. Shit, this might be the longest Royal Rumble match ever! The Shield looks bored… then The Brayetts come up on the Heyman-1963BW-TV!
– Bray Wyatt cuts a sick promo likening the feud to war. I like this. It’s solid. It reminds me of when Rick met with The Governer Jesse “The Body” Ventura on The Walking Dead last season. Then they had to face multiple Predators, and Buzz-Saw (from The Running Man) until Arnold Schwarzenegger ran in. HHH gets a slap from Arnold, and then Roddy Piper attacks Mr. T who wasn’t even in the segment yet. Both Mike Tyson, Cindy Lauper, and Floyd “Money” Mayweather were reported to be visiting friends backstage, but not used. They also were all reported to have left angrily as they discovered KENNY! of the Spirit Squad had taken his OVW contract and gone home.
I didn’t have to use my AK today…
– SM58’s in the BWF Buffalo studio. I’m Shure. Pfft. Dynamic dudes can suck my condensor microphone. No one got that. Fuck you all. I channel my inner phantom power to enable that microphone. No one gets that either, so I buy a ribbon microphone and the Brazzer’s community complain about a lack of diaphrams as ribbons do not prevent teenage pregnancy. But everybody wins. Ribbon microphones break easily. Free babies for all. Snitzky is missed.
You knew I was going there eventually…
– * The Shield vs. Sheamus, Daniel Bryan and Rey Mysterio. You’ve got me too. Not sure why this is happening either. Ok. I eat some pepperoni sticks in confusion. They really are putting Sheamus back into the fold without any character change. I guess the returning pop is a thing here and the crowd is happy to see him. I get distracted by BWF group stuff… lots of interview coming up, every week at BWF Radio on Sunday at 2PM EST! It’s hard not to be, as the beef here has nothing to do with The Shield. Meanwhile, This match is very watchable. While it has become obvious they are trying to hide Rey’s health issues, the dude keeps trucking. The rest of the sextant busts their asses to put on good match. High spots, and big moves feel right. While the story itself is amiss, the match certainly isn’t and well worth the watch. They let Rey drop a dime on Reigns, and go for the 619, twice! He doesn’t hit it, rather eats a Spear from Reigns. And in all fairness, good. Roman goes over and The Shield wins.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet
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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.
Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…
Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.
Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.
Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.
Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.
Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.
Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.
Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?
Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.
Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!
Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.
Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.
Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.
Jan 31, 2014. Today was a good day. I got to use my A.K. Daviel Batryan won the Regal Vibration. The WW’Eh Channel is available in Canuckstan. And the company hired a mainstream darling named D.N. Goth. This is the brightest timeline.
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