Smackdown 02/28/14

This doesn’t look like the Olympics. There is no way this is Assassin’s Creed 4. I am fairly certain this is not hockey, so what in the hell is this insufferable crap on my television? Sigh, god damn Smackdown time, here we go… wee?

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Hopping time…

“I watch, write, suffer, Oh fuck it. Look I’m trying to be positive about wrestling right now, so let’s just get on with this, even though I’m a fucking idiot for not ordering DAS NETWERK even though I am not allowed to due to existing PPV and television rights deals in place in the land of Olympic Ice Hockey Gold Medals. They even screwed us out of the NXT event too. Fucking WWE. I found a way to watch your shit anyways. Maybe I don’t even need to get DAS NETWERK anyways? We shall see… Also, fuck the RAW review.”.

– Looks like they changed the intro graphic. Yay.

– Maggle welcomes us to Dante’s Inferno. Shit, this looks terrible already, as BOOtista makes his nuthugger way out. He’s trying to embrace the heel, the douche is strong in this one. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND! And they give him a microphone. Clips from Orton and Batista debating on who is more orange. The Oompah Loopah won, derpa herp do! Hunter’s pal LOVES this company and business (and his guaranteed title match at Mania stip). He claims he is the best representative at AT&T and wants to know what the hell happened to this business. The crowd chants, “Outsourced to India” and The Mediocre Khali walks slowly as fast as he can through the crowd holding up his US citizenship while JT is seen in the audience holding up a Justin Bieber with the words “Insourced” written on it. Batista takes off his wife-beaten he affectionately calls Debra, while keeping his paper-boy hat and sunglasses on in order to accessorize. He might have said something, but the fact that he was vigorously masterbating the whole time made me FFW. Then Rolph from The Muppets comes out and challenges him to a piano showdown with special guest referee Schroeder. Lucy sets up the football, and Charlie runs as fast as he can at it, but Gene Snitsky pushes him aside and punts El Torito into the crowd. Ziggy joins Ziggler and Marmaduke (already in the ring) for a match tonight… later.


Every Sunday on BWF Radio at 2PM EST.

– We’re told that the WWE App contacted Vic-Rod and Teddy Long Time to create the Ziggler/Batista match a one-on-one-with-the-great-one-tagteam-match-playah-hollah with The Undertaker later tonight.

– * The Real Ameri-Brother-Dude-Brothers vs. Big Ettore Ewen Smalls and Macklemore Jindrak Calaway Henry. Zeb and Sean O’Haire are at ringside. The match gets underway, and I get underwhelmed… if that’s a word, no it’s not, ’cause I looked it up… it’s one of those skills I learned in my school. I just keep thinking how I could be watching NXT’s ArRiba show from yesterday right not when Tito Santana squared off against Old Jack in a Paper-Cut match. I’m told Georges St. Pierre won somehow. Damn. This match is forgettable, Cesaro picks up the win with a Neutralizer in an anticlimactic finish. Post match, Swagger and Cesaro are pals again.


I heard Tyler Breeze was over…..

– Backstage Del Rio wants fellatio from Vic-Rod for defeating Batista on RAW. So his flirtation beckons for Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt to request a nostalgic return to the days of car stealing and diarrhea and faces being heeltastic. Great. This shit again. I’m not even going to bother watching.


I see.

– * Alberto Del Rio vs. Sheamus. Don’t care. What’s notable is that Christian walks out in a dark suit and joins commentary. So I stop after the first commercial break to listen to ThinkSoBieberJoE’s favorite wrestler. They are depicting him as having a new attitude, and he recognizes his window to get to the top is closing. The match itself seems ok, but these characters are so cold right now. Christian interferes and makes the match a DQ. Then the Captain gets tossed for the ring, but returns to layout Sheamus with an Unprettier. I think Sheamus won, but have no idea why or what the fuck this is all about, or why we should care.


Fuck this joint, I’m outta here…

– RAW clips. Meh. D-Bry gets Punk’s story to face HHH because HHH has to involve himself in with the most popular guys in order to feed his magical evil shovel’s craving for ruining wrestling… I suppose.

– Hogan clips and shit. He puts over Chris Sabin, and warns Austin Aries to stay away from Jason Hervey or heads will roll. Then he and Dixie Carter argue about Serg’s proposal to have a live concert on Lockdown. Hornswoggle is seen backstage asking for directions as his GPS ran out of battery power, so Georges St. Pierre submits him and crawls into his innards to stay warm in the cruel wintry hell that is Orlando.

– Alexander Rusev speaks in Bulgarian. Wow.

– Cole reminds us Ambrose overslept when The Brayatt Family attacked The Shield on Monday. The Shield bicker backstage after the clips. Reigns and Ambrose argue about who needs to relax. Rollins plays mediator reminding the two of the threats, and brings them back to the same Ellen Page.


Now I get it, Teemu has super powers. That explains everything…

– * Batista vs. Dolph Ziggler. What a shame. Batista has always kind of bored me in the ring, but Ziggler even with his over-selling has not. So I guess I will watch this, since it’s counter-balanced out. It’s not appeasing knowing, “they” know jobbing out another IWC favorite to Big Ol’ Grantista is “best for business”. But Dolph does his job and helps the old dude look good. Dolph gets some good spots in, but ultimately succumbs to The Batista Bomb through a piano. Stevie Wonder wonders what just happened because he is blind.

– Clips of Cena’s beatdown by The Brayatt Family Monday.

– Bray cuts a super short promo backstage, then they enter the ring. Cena is on notice.

– Elimination Chamber stills-Evan-Bournes are shown.

– Bray notes men go to work every day, break their back, to earn their herd a little money. Women get up and paint their face with makeup because society expects them to wear that mask. Society presents a face on the billboard we need to be like, and that dude is Cena. Society tries to vilify a man like Bray because he questions society’s fake expectations. Time for Cena to end the lie… great promo… cue The Shield.

– The Shield stand on the apron staring lasers into The Wyatts. HHH interrupts the confrontation. He has too much invested in these six men for it to happen without promotion (cough, cough, Hulk Hogan, cough). So they will fight on Monday. He orders The Wyatts out of the ring, “Partners, you heard the Daddy,” chuckles Bray as he almost makes his way out. More stare downs, Harper and Rowan look to run back in, but are tossed out. Bray stands tall and laughs as he takes his boys away, never turning from his opponents. Jorge of BWF Radio is seen wearing his SWAT gear and a sheep mask unsure which way to go. He mirrors many people’s sentiments.

– * Divas Title Match: AJ Lee {C} vs. Cameron. PFFT! Nope. Girlbye! AJ retains.

– Did You Know? WWE has a Network? You didn’t? Let us continue to force our cock down your throats.


LION-O!!!.

– Brock Lesnar hand-stabbing segment with The Undertaker and Paul Heymanniceshot. George St. Pierre runs out and submits both of them. The clip package is good, as per usual. I only watch it because I’m eating spicy shelled peanuts (one is named Schroeder, he is useless since the Batista match is over).

– Josh One-T Mathews has the WWE panel featuring Big Show, Booker two-T TT, and Alex Rodriguez. Josh talks to Booker and Show about their expertise as wrestlers. Alex just sits there looking sad as he never really had a career… really…. KENNEDY! They just talk up Lesnar and Taker.


I had this trick combo mastered in THPS2. ProTip: delay hitting the X button about 2 seconds after falling off the board.

– * Daniel Bryan and The Uso Brothers vs. Kane and The New Age Outlaws vs Georges St. Pierre. Maybe it’s the beer talkin’ Marge, but you’ve got a butt that won’t quit. They got these big chewy pretzels here… [unintelligible muttering] Five dollars?! Get outta here. George St. Pierre is taken out immediately by the Amazing Racist, MarKKK Noyce of BWF Radio infamy, because he is from Quebec… Alberta, Canada. Then three polar bears emerge from the center of the ring with the Ultimate Spiderman and shoot everyone in the audience with Chyna’s T-shirt gun. All of the shirts are ICOpro branded and covered with superglue and LSD, so the place goes haywire during the dark match. Jeff Hardy makes a guest appearance and starts licking people noting his favorite Super Mario character was Toad, but he accidentally squished him during a combo-hop on goombas trying to get a one-up.


This never happened outside the US! Fucking propaganda.

– In all fairness, this match was decent. By hiding the old dudes in a 6 man, they certain accentuated the positives and hid the weaknesses. Even Billy Gunn didn’t appear winded. The young’uns carried the load, and if you bother watching tonight’s episode, this is worth stopping to take in. I don’t think anybody expected that CM Punk run in, after all. Bryan worked as hard as ever to make it worth the watch. Albeit, it was a little jarring listening to Cole pretending to know how the NXT ArRiba show went down seeing as how this was taped on Tuesday. Bryan lands The-Move-That-Beat-John-Cena on Billy for the pin and the win and celebrates with Punk and MVP in the concourse shotgunning beers with his pals.

Note: If you see Charles Barkley please let me know. He may have escaped.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

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The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!

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Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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Bored Wrestling Fan


A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

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The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

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A go to place for professional wrestling, boxing, MMA, and other combat sports news, rumors, podcasts and so forth. Always a nice place to get your fix, or simply learn more about the performers and athletes themselves. They are one of our go to resources for news and information for BWF Radio, and we wouldn’t have it any other way to share our content with them. Great site!
Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?

Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.

Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!

Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.

Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.

Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.

Jan 31, 2014. Today was a good day. I got to use my A.K. Daviel Batryan won the Regal Vibration. The WW’Eh Channel is available in Canuckstan. And the company hired a mainstream darling named D.N. Goth. This is the brightest timeline.

February 7, 2014. Went to the opening ceremonies. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The opening ceremonies. Many were lost in the battle today. I live on. Remember the fallen clones.

February 14, 2014. G said since it’s Valentine’s Day, I have to do something special for J.T. who is trapped in his apartment basement. When I asked why me, he screamed back at me, “THERE’S NO TIME!” and he proceeded to watch men’s doubles in luge. So, I took J.T. back in time to ride a brontosaurus. I don’t think he understand what I meant, but I have to admit, I’ve never seen a brontosaurus smile like that before!

February 21, 2014. G sent me back to lift Jamie Benn’s stick on a shot from the point to ensure the dreams and hopes of USA hockey fans were crushed like the hopes and dreams of Canadian WWE fans unable to order the WWE Network.

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Shameless Plugs!

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