Well sorry to disappoint. But tonight there is no G, only the temp Pintnoir.
Let us delve in.
Impact starts with ODB beating on Velvet Sky, during a photo shoot. ODB wipes the floor with Sky to start. The screaming (insert obscenity here) brawl spills out into the Impact Zone crowd. A brave security guard attempts to pull ODB off of Velvet, he receives his annual scrotum check.
B’ drags Velvet into the ring where she proceeds to strip the black T-shirt off of Sky. Screaming (insert obscenities here) while she attempts to wrap the torn shirt around Sky’s neck. ODB mounts and counts the 1,2,3. Ms Tessmacher runs out to the ring to help Sky but the damage has already been done.
Stings music hits. The fans are electric. And out comes…Mr Anderson or as I will refer to him from this point on in the review, AnderSting. He promises to fight an opponent from Sting’s past. The boos amplify.
AnderSting says “Stay tuned.”
Promo: Bischoff in the back on his cell phone looking extra douchey.
Spanky Kendrick wants a minute of his time to ask for a rematch against Abyss.
Eric looks annoyed. Proclaims Kendrick is dumb. Grants a number #1 contenders match between Kendrick and former X Division champion Kazarian.
Yeah back to back promos.
Bisch talking to Hogan about paperwork (blah,blah). Magically Eric teleports to the ring for, you guessed it, a in ring promo.
Eric calls out Beer Money. Eric bust out the dreaded 30 day clause for defending the championships. (Convenient)
Bischoff claims contracts have been signed and there has to be an opponent for British Invasion to face at Slammiversary.
Alex Shelly comes out. Announces that Chris Sabin will be out till early 2012. Goes on about the best of five series from 2010. Eric interrupts wants to know whats going on. (Like a blind Paris Hilton couldn’t figure it out)
Shelley wants to team with Storm to form “Gun Money”. Shelley has officially ended up on Bischoff’s Shit List. His words, not mine. Beer Money accepts.
That coked out Internet Guy, Cold Blooded Matt Hardy comes out in all his cold blooded glory to take on Goldberg, because wrestling matters.
or should I say Crimson who shares no similarities with the man below. Nothing like a win streak or in ring taunt. No. Definitely not Goldberg.
The match is a pretty good back and forth. Hardy pulls off a Leg drop from the top rope on the back of Crimson’s neck. A counter of the “twist of hate” then it concludes with D’Lo Brown hitting the Sky High. Err Crimson.
Out comes Samoa Joe, who effectively runs into the ring only to get speared and run right back out. He claims to have Crimson’s number or some kind of threat. Winner all around, Crimson.
A WWE Advertisement for a show in Providence, Rhode Island, on June 14th? Leave it to Spike to broadcast a rival promotions event.
Back to Impact.
The Icon, AnderSting talks with EY. Mentions classic 80′s match with The Great Muta. Young isn’t having it after watching Disco Inferno take a beating. AnderSting convinces E that he wants to display an homage to the match. Wrestling matters. Is there an echo?
Time-traveling Space Witch Winter (is hot) is spouting venom about Mickie James in her British accent. I’m telling you she could read the phone book and… Any way shock and surprise Angelina talks!
She babbles on about the bond the two share. And holds her hand. AHH. I love the T.T. space Lesbians.
Bischoff is in the locker room with Immortal. He’s called Hogan and is waving around a package with paperwork which he fears holds Hogan and his termination. (I can dream)
Ms Tessmacher comes out. And by that I mean show her assets, on the way to the ring. She is making Ms Page proud.
Angelina and her T.T. partner Winter come to the ring. Winter slowly hand gestures how awesome she is by re enacting hamlet. The match is pretty decent but short with Tessmacher going for a Corner Victory Roll, only to have it countered into a back body drop. Angelina whips out a new finisher, a reverse DDT/lungblower combination. Winner XXXombie Love. Afterwards, Winter gives Angelina the okay to choke out Tessmacher. (Where’s the return Velvet on the favor?).
Here comes more AnderSting, commercial.
AnderSting comes out to the ring. He whispers something into Christy Hemme’s ear which causes her to take on a look of disgust. Hemme announces to the ring The not so Great Muta. EY enters with full committal to the part. After a misunderstanding caused by AnderSting being such a jackass, the match begins with a slap in the face by AnderSting.
This match is filled with good maneuvers put on by Young. He even pulls out the Great Muta’s signature moonsault. Gunner runs in wanting revenge for being dumb enough to be rolled up by EY. Ref makes the save. In the ensuing melee Young Muta spits green mist into AnderSting’s eye, after a quick roll up, the Not So Great Muta wins. Commence beatdown by Gunner and then AnderSting. The real Icon Sting makes the save and cleans house.
X division #1 contenders match. 10 minute time limit. (hmm I wonder if it will be a draw)
Kazarian versus Kendrick. The match starts off in a good paced manner with arm drags, ground holds by Kaz effectively slowing down Kendrick. As we wind down it becomes a back and forth reverse fest which features a sliced bread by Kendrick reversed into a neckbreaker by Kaz. A super kick into an aborted frog splash countered into an enziguri, small package into a chaos theory style suplex out the corner leads to a draw. Some suspense later a five minute extension is granted.
Good we don’t need a three way at Slammiversary.
A double cross body lays out both opponents. Music echos and out comes…A toothless hobo?! oh wait that’s just Abyss. He destroys both competitors before quoting Sun Zu and stating for the camera “The X Division is dead”
Yep three way here we come.
Its Promo time once again, this time its AJ Styles. He shoots a promo on Bully Ray, who promptly comes out and calls Dreamer a loser and not fit to be a tag team partner (which Taz agrees). Several jokes are made about video games being for boys and strippers being for men. Bully Rays penis size is put into question. Ray asks a female audience member who seems to have no clue. And we have a last man standing match at Slammiversary.
Next comes Jeff Jarrett & Scott Steiner w/Karen Jarrett taking on the tag team of Kurt Angle & Matt Morgan.Karen is ejected from ringside.
Jarrett heels it up with being a coward and will not face Kurt.We have a nice match up between Angle and Steiner were the former belly to belly suplexes the latter. Nothing much else of note other than Jeff leaves up the ramp where he is put in a ankle lock. Karen comes out they fight to the back where we see nothing. Cameras follow. Karen is layed out on the bottom of some steps, unconscious. Kurt blaming Jarrett saying its all his fault. A quick shot of Steiner low blowing Morgan. Back to Karen. Now back to Steiner pinning Morgan for the 3.
After commercial, we see an ambulance haul Karen off to the hospital. I guess she is finally off television.
Moment of truth: Is this the end of Immortal?
Eric Bischoff and Hogan come to the ring where Bischoff snaps and calls Foley untalented unless it involves a mic. He even calls him a “muppet master” referring to socko. Hogan tries to calm down Eric, by saying he’s not scared and opens the letter. After watching Terry Hulkster Hogan attempt to skim the unimportant details, Hogan cackles. An evil cackle as he announces…
Mick Foley is Fired.