So The first E3 press conference starts in about two hours. That gives me time to make some bold and shocking predictions. Which will tie in nicely to the smart ass nonsense I was spewing on last weeks podcast. In case your a little thick all of these predictions will be humorously based on sheer insanity. I do not intend to give you one fact or morsel of information. Basically I am going to be smart ass about the whole thing for a few cheap laughs. Mostly because I am finding it hard to give a shite at this point.
Microsoft: They will announce that beginning in 2012, all games will be Kinect based. Each game must contain Milo in some form or fashion. Any budget that was tied to hardcore AAA titles will be redistributed to Netflix, Hulu and ESPN 3. They will no longer allow any game to be released for the console that is over an E for everyone rating. COD, BF and Gears will all be sold to Sony in exchange for their top notch server technology. Kinectmals will get a sequel every half year whether it needs it or not. Finally Microsoft will announce a partnership with Walmart in which Kinect will turn your living room into a Walmart super center. Paving the way for you to never leave your house to do any shopping. This way you can spend more time petting animals or maybe Milo
Nintendo: The hype around Project Cafe will be shattered, when the big N announces that the console is actually just the Game Cube. Due to the fact that they had such a large number of the consoles left over from it’s generation. They will explain that until existing stock of both the Wii and Cube are gone there will be no new console available. On the game side they will announce the next 12 Mario, Zelda and Metroid games. Since none of them are ever all that different or just remixes of old games. Then they will tell us that the 3DS actually causes cancer. This will be done in a effort to make their transition out of the hand held market quick and possibly hilarious. Finally they will inform us that this is their last E3 for about a decade. At this point speculation is that Nintendo has made so much money off the casual market that they won’t need more until at least 2020.
Sony: Sony’s press conference will start off with Jack Trenton apologizing for an hour while drunk and naked. Then Kevin Butler will be brought out and set on fire, in a failed attempt at making peace for the PSN breach, That last one may be wishful thinking on the author of this posts part. Your readers have to admit it would be awesome!!. After the audience watches Trenton curled up in a fetal position clutching a bottle of jack for a while then things really heat up. The president of Sega will walk out on to stage and announce that they have just purchased Sony as a way of getting back in to the console market. While the audience is still reeling for the announcement, a bunch of scantily clad strippers will come dancing out on stage. Each will be holding the brand new Sega console. Which will be known as the PSDreamGenesis and will be available to the public by Holiday 2011. In a magnanimous gesture, the PS3 will still be supported until 2013. After that the all the left over stock will be sent to Michael Pachter as a prank. The presser will close with the strippers taking turns kicking Trenton while pointing and laughing.
There you go, my totally serious and completely accurate predictions for the E3 pressers. If your really lucky I won’t do any for the games at the show. Although I am hearing rumors that Halo 4 is floating around the show. So I may either need to make fun of it or vomit. Hard to say at this point.