So TNA has their Lockdown PPV this Sunday. Do I care? No, not really. Here’s the deal, I got virtually 45 minutes of sleep last night, and have been up since 5:30AM yesterday. Tried to call in to work at the night job, and then it started fucking snowing which means there is NO ABSOLUTE WAY I’m getting out of my shift. Ugghhh… still have to get up at 5:30AM tomorrow as well. Needless to say, my patience is VERY thin right now, which doesn’t bode well for Impact from this smark’s POV. But, it is what it is… let’s just get this over with, shall we?
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Impact reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
- Don’t expect a lot of pictures tonight, smarks.
- Start with a clip package highlighting the match announced for the PPV with Team Garett facing off against Team Bischoff WITHOUT ANY MEMBERS BEING FUCKING ANNOUNCED YET. The creative plan was to blatantly rip off the WWE, clearly. If Garett wins, Eric loses the rights to his name. Yes, you read that right. And if Eric wins, Garett is a permanent member of the roster. So everyone loses.
- Eric cuts a promo, and his team is Bubba, Gunner, Kaz, Christopher Daniels. Bubba cuts his usual awesome promo, that’s all worth watching here.
- Enter the bastard son, Garett. He’s all smug and shit, and announces his team. He’s got Mr. Yawnderson… and that’s all we get. There’s a match next.
Charles Barkley @G: “I’m on a bike, can’t watch Impact!”
G @Charles Barkley: “Why am I not surprised in the slightest?”
- * Mr. Anderson vs. Gunner. I’m totally not interested in this. Commence FFW speed setting 3/5. Someone wins, probably Gunner. Don’t care.
- Joseph Park meets with Eric Young who is getting married tonight. Joseph asks him if he thought about a prenup… nope. Park wants to know where Abyss is, and gets his first real lead in this story arch where Young tells him that Abyss was really mixed up with Immortal. WHY THE FUCK DOESN’T PARK JUST WATCH THE SHOW? Oh right, because it generally sucks.
- Meanwhile, Sabin is cutting a promo about their badluck with injuries, and that they are coming for Joe and Magnus… noting they beat Morgan and Crimson whose best move was rubbing each other with baby oil. This Sunday, they are not wrestling Curry Man and Shark Boy, rather the MCMG’s. Good promo, and out the champs come to retort. Magnus puts over his respect for the two overcoming injuries, but not to be overlooked by they are the best RIGHT NOW. And accordingly, they decide to fight right now… only to interrupted by Mexican America. Totally Not Chavo and the mute Hernandez have exception. This turns into a brawl. The heels are tossed out, stare down, end segment. Ok, this was entertaining.
One of the best Simpsons clips ever… ties into something I posted in the BWF thread the other night…
- * Austin Aries vs. Christopher Daniels. You already know this will be good. And it was. Starts with catch-as-catch-can, and chain wrestling, into actual psychology in a match… PSYCHOLOGY ON IMPACT YOU SAY? Fuck yes. Puts a smile on my face, until I accidently look outside and am reminded of the excessive snowfall and my soon-to-be-shortened sleep. Fuck you Mother Nature… The crowd chants for the tweener Aries throughout (he’s on Team Garett, BTW). Here’s your match of the night, I’m sure. Quick, high energy, tells a story. Why can’t all matches on TNA be this good? Even Taz sounds excited! Austin lands a sick missle dropkick, then lands a suspended brain buster for the pin and the win!
Hope you had a better Easter weekend that this guy.
- Jeff Hardy is standing in a cage raving in his monotone voice about facing Kurt Angle this Sunday. Thankfully it’s short. Cut to James Storm with his country musician friends. It’s decent, but nothing really new is developed, so we’re moving on. Eric Young is prepping more for his wedding, but is interrupted by Sarita and Rosita who attempt to seduce him with slut-tactics.
- * Eric Young and ODB Get Married in a fucking steel cage. You read that correctly. Fucking. This looks to be absurd as it sounds. They make sure the cage is locked. Eric Cornelius Young? The preacher calls the cage symbolic of making it through life together, etc. They show a video demonstrating their love for each other. Basically just clips, FFW!
Blindfold matches in wrestling suck. In basketball slam dunk challenges? Epic.
- They read their own vows. Eric plans to love her always, even when she farts and to rub his feet whenever she wants, “because I know you’re into that, and I care.” Vows to be her tag partner in wrestling and in life… etc. ODB promises not to take his last name, but will take his ring music, and to slap his ass whenever necessary because she knows he’s into that. As sappy as this segment sounds, it’s kind of entertaining… Rosita and Sarita interrupt to object, and do a strip tease. ODB starts to cry a bit, then does her own tease. Eric is forced to make the decision, and we get the happy ending as Eric goes down to his Skivvies and the two force the preacher to strip as well. What a train wreck! Loved it!
- * Bully Ray vs. AJ Styles. Styles completes Team Garett? Mayhaps… either way, decent match. Watched it between OT in the San Jose Sharks and St. Louis Blues game for game 1 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs opening round. The game was better… I suppose the match was pretty good too. 1st OT ends, and when I flip back, AJ hits a sick Shining Wizard on Bully as Team Bischoff fights Team Bischoff at ringside. Bully still gets the win. GO BLUES!
- Enter Hogan who announces the 4-4 stip is now 5-5 and Eric has 3 minutes to figure out who his fifth man will be… commercials…. FFW!!!
- Eric is convinced Hogan will be Garett’s fifth man, so he puts himself in on his own team. The crowd chants for Sting. So naturally, they get RVD. I guess he resigned for a little while.
Not so much, actually. Still, hopefully RVD doesn’t look like he’s phoning it in on this run?
- James Storm and Robert Roode clip packages. They should do these, but the hockey game will be back on, so FUCK THIS SHIT. Then they run down the card, don’t care.
- * Velvet Sky & Mickie James vs. Gail Kim & Madison Rayne. Totally not interested… FFW! Someone won, don’t care.
- Storm is in the ring to talk with Roode to close the show. Both men are in suits, and Roode is accompanied by his security team from Ohio Valley Wrestling. Nice dramatic stare down, I do plan on finding… cough, cough, a way to watch this later.
Awesomeness is achieved.
- Both men discuss their Beer Money! run, and that admit how much it meant to them. Then discuss the tournament last year in which Hogan forced the hand of allowing Storm to capture a title, and fuck this whole thing up almost completely.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
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