Well, here we are… hot off the heels of the 1000th episode of RAW. How am I supposed to be excited for Smackdown? The reality is that I can’t get excited. I mean consider all the awesomeness we saw!

Just one of many things you and I forgot happened on the 1000th episode of RAW.

I think I’m going to need a hand “getting to it, shall we?” this week…

Come on. Who didn’t see THAT coming? Hands up!

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– It appears that the new signature we saw on RAW is sticking around… at least for this week. Probably for good, but how would I know?

– Then a whole boatload of clips from Monday are aired…

– The Miz is out to remind us he beat Christian for the IC title on Monday. Triple Crown! He is swiftly cut off by Christian who has opted to revoke his rematch clause right now!

What he said.

– * IC Title Match: The Miz {C} vs. Christian. Our first segment is more of the Peep Show, than anything. Christian makes Miz look great, bumping all around the ring like Silly Putty that escaped the egg. Mind you Miz, takes some of the brunt himself. Notable that Cole states that the Miz was off making a movie and is now a huge movie star. I’m a little confused, doesn’t the movie need to ACTUALLY COME OUT before you can say that? I’m sure the Marine 98 will stand out in the direct-to-DVD bin! Nonetheless, Christian sets up for a crossbody splash, lands it for a two count… goes up again, and lands another near fall with a second rope reverse DDT, and another bunch more nearfalls ensue. Captain Charisma goes for an Unprettier, reversed! A spear is charged up by the Canadian, but Miz wisely moves out of the way. Some nefarious referee distraction allows Miz to retain with a rollup grabbing the tights. FANTASTIC START TO THE SHOW!

Hiyah Dwayne! How you doing?

– * Jinder Mahal vs. Ryback. Mahal actually gets a bunch of offense in, and even slaps on a Camel Clutch! Of course Ryback stands up mid submission and crushes him. Mahal looks to eat a clothesline, and ducks the attack to the outside! Mahal says screw this and takes a count-out loss rather than re-enter the ring. Our very first non-finish for Ry-Van-Back! The Goldberg wanna-be is left hungry, angry, and… umm… air-brushy?

The Rock shouldn’t have traded his lungs for a set of gills. Just saying.

– Logically, after I posted that animated gif we rewatch that segment on Smackdown. Sheamus enters to console Danny Boy about his bad time on Monday. He gives him what would have been the wedding present, a picture of the infamous 18 second loss at WrestleMania last April.

Charles Barkley @G: “RAW 1000 was pretty cool. But for the next couple of weeks I’ll be watching that LeBron choke. Did I ever tell you about how I won an Olympic Gold Medal in 1992 with a FREAKIN’ BROKEN NECK?”

G @Charles Barkley: “Sounds familiar…”

Speaking of which, if you somehow missed this… watch it now:

– * Non-Title Match: Sheamus {C} vs. Cody Rhodes. I’m not getting started on non-title matches… we have one more to come too. ARGGHHH!!! Cody is mostly on the receiving end of the punishment here, as Sheamus plays the Goliath role to Cody’s David. You know this story. Or at least to start, because when Sheamus teaches children to count at home, Rhodes reverses out, tosses Sheamus into the steel ring post and almost gets counted out. Now with an isolated injury, Rhodes gets to work. As the commercial break nears, Vickie and Dolph enter, with Ziggler holding his briefcase…

Punk realizes the consequences of his actions. I swoon like a little G.

– Rhodes and Sheamus battle on, without concern of Ziggler… or so it would appear. Rhodes seems to be on the page with Dolph somewhat… and continues to isolate the injured shoulder of the Correction Fluid, Wite-Out. Sheamus becomes more concerned with staring angrily at Dolph, allowing Rhodes to stay in the match. Rhodes hits his sick second rope jumping kick to the head of Fella, but a second leap onto the champ leads to White-noise! Rhodes gingerly gets up and into a Brogue Kick. Thankfully, Dolph does not attempt to cash in, but does tease it post match in a moment of machismo. After he begins to back away, Jericho (wearing a Ziggler shirt), tosses Dolph into the ring and a subsequent Brogue Kick!

– Jericho enters the ring telling a story with his facial expressions of “isn’t that too bad,” and “oh well…” and finally, “LOL.” Then he hits a code breaker, takes off Dolph’s shirt and mocks the fallen Dolph. Great end to a decent bout.

I’m a much bigger fan of THIS Fozzy, sorry JT!

– * Non-Title Match: Santino Marella {C} vs. Antonio Cesaro w/Aksana. See!?!? Another one. At least Cesaro is back on TV! Antonio dominates early, until Aksana tries to distract the referee… Santino capitalizes on it, but Cesaro cares little for Cobra-boy and fucks up his shit for a quick win. Thank god. Also, get the title off of Marella. NOW. I like Marella, but really and sincerely WANT to take the titles seriously again.

– Clips of Sandow getting beat up by DX. Then he walks backstage looking disgusted by his surroundings (e.g. Percy Watson and Derrick Bateman).

Damien Sandow stole Barkley’s staring-directly-into-your-soul gimmick.

– * Yoshi Tatsu vs. Damien Sandow. Sort of. Sandow detroys Tatsu and does his elbow smirk pin. Then he runs down the crowd for enjoying DX’s manhandling of him on Monday. And now he calls himself officially our martyr. YOU’RE WELCOME. I was on the bandwagon for this guy since the first vignette. And I saved you plenty of room on the bandwagon. Get on board, smark.

Good job, Phil.

– More clips and shit. This time Bork Laser and Puppet H chill with Paul E. Dangerously and The Billion Dollar Princess. And it’s cool for the McMahon’s to talk shit about Paul’s kids, but not for him to talk about their children. B A Star! Learn to fucking spell. Paul is the face now, as far as I’m concerned. Fuck HHH and Stephabully.

Slater is also a tree.

– Some Tout crap. FFW. Kane makes his way to the ring. Too bad we didn’t get a Katie Vick reference on the 1000th RAW. Frowny Face.

Hey, I didn’t write this segment.

– * #1 Contender’s Match: Alberto Del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Kane vs. Daniel Bryan. Kane must have stood in the ring chuckling for like 5 minutes there (wow, exciting for the live crowd, huh?). Everyone else makes their way out as we all FFW. And we think about brains… the one’s HHH fucked out of the corpse of Katie Vick while wearing a Kane mask. Cute fact, there was a REAL funeral going on in the next room when they taped this:

I don’t know what I’d rather wipe off the camera lens. This or… well some other kind of liquid projectile coming from the vicinity of HHH. I told you, I didn’t write this. IT’S NOT MY FAULT. I just work with the material they give me.

– Our match finally gets underway. Men are tossed out for naptime early on, as the match turns into one-on-one, then everyone clustershmozzes, repeat. Not terrible, but predictable. Bryan seems to be the favorite for Rey and Kane to beat on, as Alberto gets tossed away. Kane stands tall as we hit our first commercial break.

Erased from history. Or maybe because… hold on… wait bong rip…. wait, what’s going on? I… err….

– We’re back, and I’m almost wrestled out at this point with RAW, Impact, and now Smackdown. Fuck, I even watched a ROH episode from a month ago this morning….

I’m almost at this point…

– Kane still seems to be in control as we return, but the seemingly ineffectual Del Rio has only begun, dropping the Big Red Machine with a drop kick, and the same with Bryan who eats multiple kicks and a mudhole in the corner. Bryan returns the favor with a series of “YES!” kicks in the opposite corner… but this is far from over. Great portion here. Mysterio ends it by dropping upon them from the top ropes while it looks like Bryan is going to tap from Del Rio’s armbar. Then it’s the Kane show again. Eventually the boredom is quelled and we’re back to Del Rio and Bryan, the latter of which slaps on a YES! lock… But time is not on their side, and Kane, Rey, and Ricardo become relevant again. CHAOS! Kane decides to grab a front row seat, and it’s Rey’s turn for some near falls. He lands a double 619 on Bryan/Del Rio, but Alberto turns the tide and ekes out a win over Bryan. Mysterio’s Benoit’esque diving headbutt (stop doing that move, dumbass) on Bryan is not finished as Ricardo pulls Mysterio out of the ring allowing the heeltastic Del Rio to win.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

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