Hey Meltzer! What did you think about Smackdown this week? Are you EVEN Dave Meltzer?

As clear and concise as always… 🙂

Well, I guess I better figure out what happened myself. Figured I should use the two LOLZ I made this week for something other than making people smile on facebook, no? Hopping time!

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– Our announce team is JBL and Josh Mathews. Cole is off since he worked Main Event according to the dirty dirt sheets.

– Smackdown from San Jose kicks off with Joe Thornton Booker T out to talk about the Sheamus and Big Show program, and their respective KO finishers. And we’re told we’re going to find out… right… now. Booker brings the two out, and has a contraption in place to measure the amount of force (pounds per square inch). The old punching bag thing from the arcades that many drunk people broke their hands on punching the metal part by accident. Sheamus kick gets a 1322 p/si. Show doesn’t like this shit and is reluctant… but gets a 1809 p/si. Show walks away, Sheamus starts talking shit and then Tensai jumps him. Flow chart time? Then Zdenko Chara KO’s both of the two guys with precision slap shots, and the crowd goes home happy!

Mr. Banner researches his topic, then smashes the fuck out of your opinion

– * Non-Title Match: Sheamus {C} vs. Tensai. This is booked more like a brawl and fight, and as we’ve seen in the past these two like working stiff and brutally with each other. I still hate the non-title clause, as always. After much slapping and smacking, Sheamus hits his White Noise and sets up for a Brogue Kick finisher, and indeed is the outcome of the bout. Good match for it’s type! Not too long, and never dragged.

– We’re told that Randall Keith Orton will be here (again, as mentioned on RAW) to address the Alberto Del Rio situation. Great. I think I spot Joe in the audience with a super-soaker filled with motor oil. One can only hope…

I know people like this. In fact one of them might very well be reading this out live on BWF Radio right now.

– Del Rio send Ricardo Rodriguez off to seek more on Orton… after the commercials, Ric-Rod is seen walking about like the living dead are everywhere and is scared out of his mind when a COBRA pops out of nowhere. Santino says he should be scared. Both would die quickly if they were on the Walking Dead, which returns this Sunday against TNA’s BFG tournament. Guess which one I’ll be watching? LOL.

– “The Band” show up to discuss their alignment with each other. Basically, they are stronger together then as Jinder puts it “Solo.” Then they do air guitar N-Sync with each other. Not to be out-retarded, Santino and Zack Ryder come out to ruin the hilarity with some of their own.

Whoever made this one made me laugh, and pull my pants down outside their window when they secretly wanted to look at the moon before they went to sleep too. I won. I always do. Goodnight Moon!

– * Heath Slater and Jinder Mahal vs. Santino Marella and Zack Ryder. For The Chosen One, MC Entire Drew is injured. I’m coining that Drew’s official Beastie Boys name, “MC Entire Drew.” Anyways, the match is a comedic one, but you already knew that. MC E.D. yells at the faces as the two heels practice their stomp-pedal skills on them, isolated in the corners. Slater hits a new looking finisher and post match, The Band celebrates with some air guitar and head banging.

– * Kane vs. Dolph Ziggler. Vickie does her yelling bit. JBL loses his shit on Mathews for calling Kane/Bryan dysfunctional pointing out that it doesn’t matter if they don’t get along as long as they’re winning. Ziggler then eats a big boot from Kane to the outside that looks fucking awesome as we hit a commercial. Slow build, this match is alright. After we return, it’s a great back and forth with Ziggler doing what he does best: making his opponent look amazing. And even Kane is working hard, which is not something I give him credit for enough lately. After a long and hard fought match, Ziggler opts to use his MitB briefcase via Vickie to take out the Big Red Machinist and loses a la DQ. Daniel Bryan runs in to make the save, but it ends up with Matt Striker doing an impromptu interview about their bickering costing them the titles. Then Bryan slaps a NO! Lock on Striker, which Kane disagrees with… and helps him up. Nope, just chokeslam, to which Bryan attempts to stop. YES! wins. They argue. Meh.

HEY MELTZER! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE PICTURE I JUST POSTED?

What do you know? Seriously. GIVE A CLEAR ANSWER! HAVE AN OPINION!!! Sigh…

– Backstage Ric-Rod seeks Orton and overhears some air traffic communication which turns out to be Hornswoggle playing with one of those talking Orton toys. Ric-Rod smashes the fuck out of it into the concrete wall…

– Lillian Garcia welcomes a group of breast cancer survivors in the audience.

Shut the fuck up image meme. It’s because zombies are bigger and easier to hit in the head with my axe. Spiders are just… well… creepy.

– Cody Rhodes has joined commentary, “reallys” are tossed around. JBL gets irate with Josh’s disrespect of the IC champ and his appearance with Skeletor (and wife, Evil Lyn) of Hulu’s show. They show clips of RAW.

– * Big Show vs. Kofi Kingston. I become unsure I care about this one… Miz keeps talking… yep, FFW… Three minutes breeze by as Show destroys Kofi with a WMD. Miz comes in post KO and berates the fallen Ghanian for always coming up short everytime. Miz’ rehearsed lines make him sound like a really bad James Bond villain as he tells us he is now leaving with his IC title. Kofi goes to flick a coin into the oncoming laser while Miz leaves. What’s this? It works? Kofi punches out two of Miz’ henchman and goes to escape but HOMER TACKLES HIM!!! More henchmen run in and shoot Kofi in the fucking head with machine guns as Homer and Scorpio walk away. And by Scorpio, I mean Miz. Except much of this last recap was a lie. Watch old Simpsons episodes, you’ll figure it out.

Charles Barkley @G: “I am not a Role Model. Neither is Punk. Just ask that guy I beat up after a Bucks game in 1991. Broke his nose… “

G @Charles Barkley: “Yeah, that justifies everything, Chuck.”

– People vote about whether Cenafillet or Rybackmountain will face CM Punk in Hell in a Cell. Then some random nerds Tout about their opinion like anyone cares. Backstage, Bryan confronts Del Rio about stuff. Stuff being entertaining and funny because we never really see this tandem. But Orton is still on the hunt potentially ruining everything. They have a match tonight, I guess. That might be good.

– Layla and Kaitlyn-NIN talk to Booker and Long about finding a Blonde wig in Eve’s bag. Eve runs in questioning people digging through their belongings (which IS a dick move), and then tosses the wig on Teddy stating it could have been him. LaylaLyn both say ikuhwegfioluehrgiluahgfl, and Booker thankfully takes them off camera. Then Eve and Long make the world’s largest, most detailed and honest pastel mural on The Great Wall of China. Suddenly, all world political wings are aligned, wars are ended, and cancer is cured. Sadly, since that human-made monument is seen from space, an evil eye would observe humanity evolving into a perfect balance of true utopian ideals… BUT! Somewhere a little ugly orphan puppy is adopted by a wealthy philanthropist and raised to save the planet Earth from the invading alien scourge that stands for genocide, ignorance, and disrespect for intelligence. I always loved that super-dog. Too bad this segment murdered him in cold blood. Mother fuckers.

I kind of want to get the game to try out this match…

– * Sin Cara vs. Damien Sandow. Cody Rhodes welcomes his partner to the ring (suspect a Mysterio run in). This is to further the tagteam tournament that will culminate this Monday on RAW. But until then, we get the hype and filler match. Sandow is excellent here, and in fine form. Cara doesn’t seem to botch much to start… Actually, he does a great job. These two work well together. But Rhodes tries to get involved, only to get tossed out by the official. And this causes a bullshit rollup spot, and SIN CARA GIVES SANDOW HIS FIRST LOSS IN THIS CHARACTER ON TV! HOLY FUCK. I don’t like that, but he had to lose eventually. There’s only enough room for the Goldberg gimmick on a program, I suppose. Damn. Sin Cara… ??

– Bryan tells Kane to stay away from his match tonight. Kane agrees. Hit “A” to continue.

– * Daniel Bryan vs. Alberto Del Rio. We’re getting 20 minutes. I’m sitting back and enjoying this at 12:54AM MST… even though I know that it will end with the robot invasion of the RKO, a sentinal robot breed left behind by the invading aliens… ones that even the super-dog itself could not eliminate from our future timeline. Joe is spotted in the upper tier with a red-dot and night-vision multiscope on his super-soaker filled with motor oil. See, Joe leveled up a couple weeks ago and added a multi-scope as his optional ability perk in his character skill-tree. I personally would have opted for FAST FORWARD as my skill perk, but hey, one’s person’s RPG character is their own. Mine are always named “G.”

– In all seriousness, the first segment played out very well. We got our obligatory “Throw the heel to the outside commercial break segment”… While I have my own wrestling review rules, they obviously have their own. Bryan works an injured arm (to set up Del Rio’s Armbar, which JBL calls a “Homerun Shot”). Bryan works the upper chest of Alberto, to of course aid in the NO! Lock. Well, I was wrong a little. Del Rio manages to get out of the submission and lock on his armbar on Bryan and get a submission win.

Don’t worry bleeding hearts, the kid’ll be fine. I’ve seen these Storm Troopers in action many times and couldn’t hit Bubba The Love Sponge’s Wife if she was literally on top of their dicks. Just saying…

– Del Rio hits the microphone, and says while he has heard the social media crap… Orton will not show up tonight. Joe is not convinced and actives his thermal detection buff so his team enjoys the same skill boost. ADR shows clips of his armbar dangling outside the ring on the prone RKO from the inside, then calls Orton a “slimey garden snake.” Del Rio gets a surprise from the Viper who comes out of camera view to fuck up his shit. Orton rips the padding off of the announcer table and shouts, “12 shots, bitch!” (JBL yells, “Rounds you retard!”). Orton proceeds to drink 12 whiskey sour shots off the carcass of ADR, and sparking up a fat joint yelling, “Vancouver, British Columbia! BC WEED REPRESENT!” Some dude wearing a Phish shirt face palms in the audience and starts leaving early to beat traffic. Actually, it’s Ric-Rod on the announce table, ADR is cowering away. Randy attempts to break the table with an RKO on Ricardo Rodriguez but fucks up that spot again. Does he ever break the table?

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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Survivor Naut G Has Returned to Wonderpod!

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Yes, folks. It’s true, it’s damn true. For the remainder of 2012 on wonderpodonline.com, the Survivor Naut G series is back for action-packed, hilarity with special collaborators Chris and Andrew Lloyd as well as some special surprises! While the gents discuss video games, the radio mini-series will invade weekly to poise a question during the adventures that ensue. Some one dies too. Who will it be?

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LEAVE YOUR WRESTLING FEEDBACK FOR BWF RADIO!

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That’s right smarks, marks, Little Jimmys and the like. You can now leave your audio rants and ravings and we will try to play it online. Keep in mind, we are trying to keep it clean. So do your best to avoid the language that offends people easily offended. I make a concerted effort to not call the product fucking shit ass bitch cock cunts. You can too. See? This is not on the air.

Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-220-8949. Or, coincidentally, 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “G” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even stalk you! Hey, free stalker! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Two Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

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Shameless Plugs!

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