Here we are, once again. Smackdown time. What type of show will we get with a kind-of-returning Jerry Lawler? Probably one involving a robot in the main event against a concussion victim? You guessed it, let’s hop to it shall we?

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– Our episode opens with Rick leading the other survivors into what appears to be a homestead in the woods. No words are spoken as they methodically storm the house, killing all the zombies within. Daryl shoots an owl with his crossbow, while Carl finds some dogfood… oh wait. Wrong show. The Walking Dead lit it up with their third season premiere episode though, I watched it twice on Sunday and skipped TNA’s BFG PPV. No regrets.

I don’t make memes that often, but when I do they might involve zombies.

– Our show REALLY begins with the likely concussed Miz sporting a nasty eye injury from the Kofi botched Trouble In Paradise on RAW. He says he will defend his IC title at Hell in a Cell (no he won’t). Then he brings out Team Friendship as his guests. Miz calls bullshit on the two coming out separately and not as a team (good point), then runs down Bryan as being beneath him with a brief history lesson. Kane relates his own history as a tag champion, so regardless of who is he with, if Daniel is a problem, Kane is the solution. YES! NO! I AM THE TAGTEAM CHAMPIONS! RINSE, REPEAT. Big Show lumbers down the ring, tells the 46 people in the ring that he has a problem with D-Bry running his mouth about beating him in the amount of time it takes to microwave a frozen burrito at 7-11. The parade continues as BWF Radio’s Jorge’s favorite Vickie accompanies Dolphrey Ziggler. Blah blah, briefcase, blah blah HitC cash-in, blah blah. You know exactly where this is going. Booker T summons the ghost of Teddy Long with his Ouija flow chart board. Miz calls him on it, beautiful. Still happens, playah, suckah, brother, dude, Bubba the Love Sponge. He books everyone into a tag match and Miz versus R2D2.

Well played.

– * Randy Orton vs. The Miz. I keep seeing some red trace of light flash across the camera lens, creating a flare. Throughout the duration of the match… Meanwhile, Orton and Miz tango in the ring until our first commercial break. Nothing really too worthy of note here. We return to Miz casually head-locking Randall Keith Orton, then we cut backstage (THANK GOD) to Matt Striker interviewing Del Rio, only to be interrupted by Ric-Rod. Del Rio regales himself as superior to Orton. From the Skybox interview segment, I’m able to catch a glimpse of some random redhead wearing a one-of-a-kind ThinkSoBrain T-Shirt with a supersoaker filled with Castrol Motor Oil! PRODUCT PLACEMENT! DOES JOE HAVE AN ARMY?!?!?

Charles Barkley @G: “Still locked out, huh?”

G @Charles Barkley: “You might not hate other athletes, but I sure as fuck do right now… and owners hiding behind The Bettman.”

– Orton “somehow” has recovered with a top rope superplex from the top ropes! JBL is in disbelief and shouts down Josh “One T” Mathews. Orton channels his inner “Maven” and dropkicks Miz, but it’s not enough. Orton enters into his finishing move sequence, ultimately hitting an RKO and picking up the win. We cut back to the Skybox as ADR and Ric Rod ask JT (HE’S THE THIRD MAN!!) to borrow his water gun! Actually, ADR grabs a microphone and tells Orton they will be doing this on his terms.

– The Ghost of Teddy Long is talking to the only person paler than his ghastly entity, who requests he gets one more match with Wade Barrett. Long grants it, and makes a lumberjack match against Barrett and Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt.

This is brilliant.

– * Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow vs. Tyson Kidd and Justin Gabriel. You read that right. The match opens with a creative spot where Gabriel rolls up Rhodes, and Kidd jumps in the ring and kicks him square in the fucking head. Team Rhodes Scholars isolate Gabriel as a testament to the years of apartheid, and beat on him for a bit. Tyson gets a hot tag, and takes advantage of his TV time blowing my mind. But, heeltastic tactics prevail with confusion over the legal man (Rhodes) who picks up the win for the dastardly duo.

– Backstage, Long tells Booker and Eve about his main event match, which Eve claims she came up with last week. Eve leaves her iPad as she walks off with Booker, so Long snoops into her pad and… wait this sounds wrong… but that’s what he does. Teddy Long’s ghost is a total pervert.

This power struggle angle keeps spinning right round, like a record, baby, right round like a record…

– * Non-Title Match: Kane & Daniel Bryan {C} vs. Dolph Ziggler & The Big Show. I enjoy watching half of these guys wrestle more often than not. So to curb my interest, Big Show and Kane get a bunch of time at the start of it. The clock moves backwards as they kick and punch and stuff… great. I write the memoirs of my 35 years on this earth, and still have time to document those of 9,000 years of my ancestors during this time. In 7,326 B.C., the nomadic desert @Goftheinternet clan took down three sabre tooth tigers using only a rock. First commercial break.

Hmm… so Never Never Land is Tatooine?

– And like a reoccurring nightmare, we’re back. And thankfully Dolph is facing Bryan at this point. Then Dolph tags in Show. FUCK YOU WWE! Show manhandles Bryan for a while until he finally reverses with impossible physics into a DDT. Back to Ziggler who manages a pin attempt, but it is broken up by Kane. Kane used his one and only allowable run in spot (this is a legit rule, folks, they added this a few years back, prove me wrong). Bryan finally channels his inner Dragon and tags in the Big Red Machinist. Kane works Ziggler like a piece of steel on a lathe, demonstrating why a Ziggler/Kane program would breathe new life into Kane. Bryan slaps on a No Lock, submitting Ziggler for the win.

Colonel Mustard in the Kitchen with the Internet Meme.

– * Non-Title Match: Antonio Cesaro {C} vs. Ted Dibiase. But prior to this Cesaro is seen outside of Sun Studio home of Johnny Cash and Elvis Presley. He calls it rootin’ tootin’ music and garners heat saying it should be demolished and that it is no longer part of Cesaro’s America. AWESOME CHEAP HEAT! Dibiase sells massively for Cesaro as he gets his ass kicked, but the power of rugby fueled knee socks is just too much. Cesaro takes out Ted to a nice dinner and a movie, and then “pins” him Sheiky-style for the win.

– RAW rebound crap. FFW! You know the drill. Should’ve brushed your teeth more often, dipshit. Then we get WWE’13 adverts depicting what might happen.

Sounds like Attitude Era booking.

– The 3 MB’s (no, not megabytes) are in the ring. They’ve lost their leather jackets, and they do their shtick. I’m kind of turning a page one this shtick… but oh shit! OH MAN! BETTAH CALL MY MOMMA! THIS IS LIKE WHEN ANTHRAX AND PUBLIC ENEMY TEAMED UP!!!

– * Brodus Clay vs. Heath Slater. We’ll see who indeed Bring’s The Noise here, folks. Naomi and Cameron clap at ring side, and I swear I notice BWF Radio’s ThinkSoJoE trying to pass Cameron a mickie of vodka like Lance Armstrong’s trainers passing out a styrofoam cup of steroids at the Tour De France. The 3 MB’s try to interfere to allow Slater to pick up a win…. AND HE DOES!!! ACTS OF TERROR IN THE ROSE GARDEN!!! Naomi is saddened, while Cameron has passed out at ringside… Mitt Romney runs off Joe, and starts yelling at Naomi, WHY DON’T YOU JUST BUY MORE MONEY?!? Well, some of that happened on Tuesday night’s taping. What part is true? Fucked if I know, I’m drunk right now.

I can’t decide if it’s so terrible it’s awesome, or just plain terrible.

– Backstage to local small business owner Wade Barrett being interviewed by WWE’s man on the street, Matthew Stryker. Barrett feels the odds favor him, since many of the lumberjacks in the match tonight are actually illegal immigrants who work for his warehouse that he has falsely promised an additional 10 cents in pay for their loyalty. Rey Mysterio is shown among the migrant laborers nodding his head, stating “Drop the dime!”

– * Layla vs. Natalya. Normally I’d FFW the hell out of the Diva’s match, but it’s my girl from Calgary… Alberta, Canada. Sadly, Eve has joined commentary. Even more sad, is that this is still about the Blonde Wig bullshit, and Layla is being booked strong. But the Brit’s focus on Eve allows Natalya to get some good spots in… then the wrath of god (who hates wrestling fans), stabs me in the fucking heart and Layla gets the win.

– Backstage, Long shows Katelyny-Honey-boo-boo Eve’s i-Pad and some evidence we can’t see. The Kate-Evil-Lynn takes a photo on her iPhone of the iPad that we can’t see, suggesting the idea of Shakespeare’s “Play-within-a-play” only lacking the artistic creativity and dramatic genius of the “Bard of Avon.” That is, of course, unless the theory that Shakespeare was just a pen name of a group of travelling actors and playrights and not just one man. But if theatre and professional wrestling has taught me anything, everything we see is 100% true and accurate. Like the saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice… wait didn’t I kill you for that bullshit you pulled on me last time?” Does anybody know a good place to purchase lye and an axe? I know it’s unrelated, but…

Photobombing’s got nothing on this guy

– * Non-Title Lumberjack Match: Sheamus {C} vs. Wade Barrett. The lumberjacks are all the guys we saw tonight, and a bunch of other guys who were probably on Saturday Morning Slam and Superstars/Mainevent. Well, except for the quality talent. Being a lumberjack is clearly not ok. Fuck you Monty Python, they say. That’s harsh. I like some of the Monty Python stuff. What a bunch of dicks… what was I doing again? Oh right… review.

– This starts out stiff and brawlish, much like the two have delivered over the past couple weeks. Honestly, if you dug those matches, you can’t go wrong here. Big Show watches, donning his hoodie. Even R-Truth is outside the ring, who has been as invisible as Little Jimmy on WWE programming this week. After a commercial break, we return an Sheamus teaches the kids how to count at home, AND the lumberjacks outside the ring who clap and count along with him. Someone is clearly stealing my shit in Stanford. Fuckers. I’M MAKING FUN OF YOU!! FUCK!

What’s the point of going to the zoo then?

– The hard no bullshit action keeps a steady pace, and I know many fans of this style are smiling right now. That’s cool. Not enough flippy-floppy action for my liking tonight, but I’ll take this smashmouth mainevent without hesitation. Barrett utilizes his migrant laborer lumberjacks to his advantage for a break, but even this is not enough… so Team Friendship runs out to make the save on the overwhelming number of heels at ring side. This turns everything into a clusterfuck as Team Rhodes Scholar gets involved too, and Sheamus picks up a win over Barrett. Big Show remains idle (moving wears him out). He’s just watching like Bubba the Love Sponge. Dolph Ziggler teases a cash in, BUT NO!! Big Show WMD’s Ziggler, then walks out! Yogurt, Zigzags, Feta Cheese, Metal Shavings, Shed Skins of Jake Robert’s pet, and Tar and Asphalt everywhere! Big Show mumbles some crap on the microphone about Sheamus…

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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Survivor Naut G Has Returned to Wonderpod!

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Yes, folks. It’s true, it’s damn true. For the remainder of 2012 on wonderpodonline.com, the Survivor Naut G series is back for action-packed, hilarity with special collaborators Chris and Andrew Lloyd as well as some special surprises! While the gents discuss video games, the radio mini-series will invade weekly to poise a question during the adventures that ensue. Some one dies too. Who will it be?

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LEAVE YOUR WRESTLING FEEDBACK FOR BWF RADIO!

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That’s right smarks, marks, Little Jimmys and the like. You can now leave your audio rants and ravings and we will try to play it online. Keep in mind, we are trying to keep it clean. So do your best to avoid the language that offends people easily offended. I make a concerted effort to not call the product fucking shit ass bitch cock cunts. You can too. See? This is not on the air.

Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-220-8949. Or, coincidentally, 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “G” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even stalk you! Hey, free stalker! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Two Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

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Shameless Plugs!

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Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, Glasenator, Jonkind and/or Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

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ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.