With Survivor Series only days away, this would be the WWE’s last ditch effort to squeeze the buy rate juice out of it’s viewers… too bad many people have stopped watching Smackdown. Why you may ask? Perhaps because it has lately been a rehash of RAW matches from the previous Monday, or the same ones to follow on the next Monday. And tonight we get THREE non-title matches, or so I’m led to believe. Great. Whoop dee doo. Let’s hop to it, shall we? …until the juice runs down my leg.

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– Our show begins with TNA’s voice over guy running over the catch-as-catch-can booking that has plagued the Survivor Series card over the last three weeks. The WWE logo comes up, and I’m… just getting start. Fuck.

– Newly turned face, The Miz. It’s Miz-TV time, and the crowd chants “This is awesome, clap clap clap, clap, clap.” He explains he is not going to fall in line under any leader, which is why he left Team Ziggler. It would have made more sense for him to explain he was on board was to help CM Punk take down Ryback, but since the WWE dropped that angle the whole point of this match makes it irrelevant.

You knew this dance would find it’s way into the Squared Circle eventually. Thankfully, Christopher Daniels found a way to make it entertaining.

– Out comes Mick Foley, and shills his new Christmas book (featuring Miz) and grabs his cheap pops. Foley’s curious which Miz will show up at the PPV. The wrestler or the douche. Wait. That’s the same guy. This segment serves to bring out Team Foley. Coffee, Calvin and Hobbes, and Randall Keith Orton. ThinkSoJoE hops the guard rail, now equipped with a Gatling Gun Super Soaker (he changed his character class to Heavy Arms Specialist of the early 1900’s) and begins to spray motor oil at Orton! Jorge yells, “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” and dives in front of the liquid of deceased dinosaurs to protect Team Friendship. BWF Radio guest Alice smiles and points at Coffee who is doused in oil, while JT is seen in the audience holding up a sign saying, “Good work G, you got all of us on the show in about a paragraph).”

– Actually, Kane and Bryan bicker, Kofi tells them we’re supposed to be pals, and then Randall Keith Orton notes he has spat in Foley’s face numerous times. The team is broken. Team Ziggler stands a top of the entrance ramp claiming to be a strong unit of five (even though Cody Rhodes is notably absent). Del Rio is not paying attention. He and Ziggler have words about who should be the leader. Foley mocks them, and notes Booker Tee Hee granted Foley power to make matches tonight. After Kane is booked into a match, among others, Daniel Bryan starts yelling NO! And then… Damien Sandow interjects, “SILENCE! SILENCE! SIIIIIILENCE! It is obvious that Team Foley is in complete disarray. You have a goat-faced, one-word-wonder who is running around with an anger problem. His tag-team partner Kane, whose unbridled brutality is the very reason my tag team partner, Cody Rhodes is not with us this evening! And then… you have a braided neon mutant who now claims he has the ability to fly!” Coffee cuts him off. Too bad, that was the lines of the night, IMO.

– * Non-Title Match: Kofi Kingston {C} vs. Damien Sandow. The first portion of our bout, is a story of Kofi flying around with reckless abandon, while Sandow heeltastically picks his spots and takes advantage of the outside of the ring to do so. As we return from a break, Kofi’s approach wears thin and Sandow gets the edge. Sandow hits a very elegant Cubito Aequet (sans middle finger), but of course it’s not enough. Kofi gets a second wind and goes for his BOOM spot, but Sandow’s intelligence staves off the attack. Sandow positions himself outside of the referee’s vision, pokes the Neon Mutant Coffee in the eye, and rolls up the I.C. Champ for the title and the win! Great match! Ok, the title DIDN’T change hands. BUT IT SHOULD HAVE.

You don’t even want to know what the nunchucks do.

– The phone calls between AJ, Serge, Cena, and Dixie are re-aired. Meh.

– * Kaitlyn, Layla, and Natalya vs. Eve, Aksana, and Alicia Fox are given no entrances in lieu of the RAW clips. Is this not the entire division (except AJ) in the ring? Wow. I guess that explains why Aksana is “wrestling.” Alice grabs Aksana and continually shakes her demanding what her credentials are not only as a woman, but also representing our so-called sport. Aksana is shrieking, “LET ME ENTERTAINMENT YOU!” repeatedly. Alice face palms, and tosses her into the depths of hell along to join Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly where they are forced to learn to run the ropes for eternity. There is no way they didn’t pipe in audience noise here. I am contacted by the Seventh dimensional being TK3-Blar again. It notifies me that I am to activate the red scion in the arranged meeting place tomorrow at 5 PM MST. “Bring the artifact and the dog who bit you over a month ago’s still beating heart and place them into the scion before reciting the scripture,” the omniscient being tells me, “And tell this to no one.” I promptly broadcast this message during this match, SINCE NO ONE IS FUCKING WATCHING. Meanwhile, someone wins… and rescues the Springfield children who were standed on a desert island during the model U.N. field trip/Lord of the Flies parody Simpsons episode. So it was Moe Szyslak.

– Sheamus is still waiting in the underground arena parking lot for The Big Show. This is the third segment of him doing so. I didn’t mention it before, because it was meaningless drivel. Booker Tee Hee shows up BLAH BLAH BLAH don’t attack Big Show asshole or there will be consequences and repercussions, you feel me? Sheamus starts feeling Booker Tee Hee! WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING? Actually, Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt promises nothing because role models for children like jumping people and beating them up. Egad.

–

Steve Austin is responsible for many of history’s vehicular disasters.

– * Alberto Del Rio and Dolph Ziggler vs. Randy Orton and The Miz. Miz and Ziggler start off the match, allowing ThinkSoJoE to comically sneak up behind Orton with a giant magnet. He places the magnet beside Orton’s charisma drive, wiping it clean. Poor Joe, that was a waste of time. Joe ducks under the ring, and Ziggler and Miz’s antics cause Orton to fall to the outside and we hit a commercial break. Just prior, JT is seen in the audience holding up a sign stating, “When G was a kid, his family had a Coleco ADAM computer that ran off audio cassettes rather than floppy discs. It was fucking slow.” How does JT know that I wonder, as I place the ancient artifact and kidnapped rat-dog into my backpack for tomorrow.

HHH not even trying to be subtle about burying talent.

– We return. and the Miz and Ziggler are still carrying much of the load of this match. These two work well together, in all seriousness, while Del Rio remains disinterested in helping Dolph, and Miz stubbornly does not want Randall Keith Orton’s services. Del Rio finally gets involved and beats on The Miz. Miz finally has to tag in Orton, breaking his hand in the process screaming, “WHAT THE FUCK!!! IS YOUR HAND MADE OF METAL??” Orton replies, “Adamantium, hu-man” and channels the power of Ultron, beats up the Avengers and the other heels. Then as he goes to lock on his “encephalo-ray” and put Del Rio into a death-like coma, Miz breaks his other hand tagging himself in and steals the win with a Skull Crushing Finale on Alberto! Randall Keith Orton locks on concussive blasts of energy on The Miz with an RKO post match.

Only one thing missing from the Jerry Lawler segment to garner even more heat on Heyman and Punk.

– Some more highlights and crap. FFW. FFW now or… waste your fucking time.

– Sheamus comes out in street clothes to probably talk. It’s brief fortunately, Sheamus is still pissed about Show’s attack on Regal and wants to fight now. Show comes out to respond, and cuts a great heel giant promo about being scared of what Show might do to Shameless. The pale bastard goes to attack, but Booker Tee Hee stops him in his tracks, smearing Yogurt everywhere. Booker demands the Mr. Arse leaves the building as Show walks away. And of course he’ll run in later during Show versus The Mediocre Khali.

– Backstage Show is informed by Booker Tee Hee he will be in a match tonight, and it won’t be Shamu (who died weeks ago in my reviews). I already kind of mentioned who it would be. SPOILER ALERT!

No worries Brad, as another roided out genetic freak is here to eat you.

– * Kane vs. Wade Barrett. This is going to be a total spotfest! I wonder if Kane will hit his 480 Twisting Senton Reverse Shining Wizard? Nah, it’s a brawler match and I’m already tired out from this show so the WWE blesses me with an immediate DQ on Barrett as Ziggler, Sandow, and Del Rio run in and attack Kane!! Naturally, out run Bryan, the Neon Mutant, Randall Keith Orton to Reebok Balance out things. Nelly, with band-aids over each eye begins singing at the top of the ramp about his Airforce One’s (which he was never paid a dime for by Nike, look it up, folks). Actually, it’s the Miz who stands there staring at his team. JT is seen in the audience holding a sign stating, “G, I don’t think anyone remembers that song, that was like 10 years ago.” Jorge gives Kane and Bryan a hug. D’awwwww!

Just. Plain. Awesome.

– More fucking RAW clips, this time with the Prick/RyVanBack/SeenYah story line as the focus. Great.

– * Non-Title Match: Antonio Cesaro {C} vs. Sin Cara. R-Truth has joined commentary with Little Jimmy who asks to be called James. This match is NOT under the blue light of Cara, as the Swiss neutrality political diplomacy will not allow it. Cesaro manipulates the wee lucha, cutting his steak with the knife and fork tools, then cleaning his teeth with the tooth pick. He then tosses the Jack-O-Latern he left on the porch for the last few weeks in the trash, as that’s all this match was… and oversized gourd. Cesaro hits the Neutralizer on Sinned Karma for the win. Post match, R-Truth name drops Hacksaw Jimmy Duggan, leading the crowd in a “USA” chant. Cesaro (and myself) rolls his eyes at this. Little Jimmy walks out in a huffington post, and demands TMZ stops calling them dirt sheets.

– I didn’t notice any Fandango(o) teasers on the show. But fuck the WWE, G IS GOING TO HELL, AND WILL KEEP A SEAT WARM FOR YOU AS HE BURNS IN THE FIRE AND BRIMSTONE. HE EVEN BROUGHT MARSHMALLOWS FOR ALL TO ENJOY! “Mind if I cut in?” Is Fandango(o)’s new catchphrase eventually going to become the same thing with a different meaning when he goes Emo? I heard they interviewed Russo for the Attitude Era DVD that comes out this week, or some shit like that. Look, at least I didn’t say he’d go “Elmo.”

@Charles Barkley @G: “Wait, what? Did you watch the news this week? The accuser recanted his claims.”

@G @Charles Barkley: “What next? Is someone going to pay $5000 for a single Twinkie on E-Bay. Yeah, right.”

Holy shit, really? REALLY? Here (and below).

I think who ever buys this should consider switching their drug of choice to heroin. Way cheaper.

– Back to clips of Big Show and Sheamus from earlier tonight. This of course sets up our main event.

* Non-Title Match: The Big Show {C} vs. The Great Khali. Kill. Me. Now. Khali shambles to the ring, with each step taking a year off the life of his ruined knees. During this, I contact Seventh dimensional being TK3-Blar and confirm that the intergalactic satanic maniacal plan is a go. I get his voice mail notifying me that Pete The Plumber is off for the weekend and to call back during normal office hours. Weird. This match is fucking terrible so I put the thing on 3/5 speed FFW. Still terrible. I receive a call back from “Pete” a.k.a. TK3-Blar to ignore the plumber behind the curtain and to proceed as planned. I ask him if his son is named Dusty, and if his grandson Cody sustained a concussion. He hangs up. Big Show takes a bit of a beating, and goes for a chokeslam, but gets a WMD punch to the face for his efforts. Big Show wins! Show turns to the camera and mouths the words, “Obama, you will never find me (see last week’s review).” As predicted, Shameless breaks Booker Tee Hee’s orders and breaks and enters his way back into the arena! He’s a face! Well, his entrance music does at least. Show looks concerned and immediately teleports to the underground parking lot (he moonlights as Dhalsim from Street Fighter II). Matt Striker approached Show and mentions, “The entrance music is coming from inside the house!” Sheamus attacks Show, Show ends up tossing Sheamus onto, and breaking the windshield of a car. So Sheamus no sells this, and puts Show’s head through the windshield of another car… Show is seen laid out as…

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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Survivor Naut G Has Returned to Wonderpod!

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Yes, folks. It’s true, it’s damn true. For the remainder of 2012 on wonderpodonline.com, the Survivor Naut G series is back for action-packed, hilarity with special collaborators Chris and Andrew Lloyd as well as some special surprises! While the gents discuss video games, the radio mini-series will invade weekly to poise a query during the adventures that ensue. Some one dies too. Who will it be?

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LEAVE YOUR WRESTLING FEEDBACK FOR BWF RADIO!

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That’s right smarks, marks, Little Jimmys and the like. You can now leave your audio rants and ravings and we will try to play it online.

Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-220-8949. Or, coincidentally, 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “G” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even stalk you! Hey, free stalker! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

A go to place for professional wrestling, boxing, MMA, and other combat sports news, rumors, podcasts and so forth. Always a nice place to get your fix, or simply learn more about the performers and athletes themselves. They are one of our go to resources for news and information for BWF Radio, and we wouldn’t have it any other way to share our content with them. Great site!

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Shameless Plugs!

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Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, Glasenator, Jonkind and/or Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

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ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.