Ahh… Black Friday Night Smackdown. There will be a ton of people not watching, even some that normally would. All six of them. So that just leaves me, the sole viewer of this program to review it for them.

Yep.

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– Voice over guy promises us tonight on Smackdown that Vickie Guerrero will continue to grow her online porn site by teasing more Cena on AJ action, Bully Ray and Brooke Hogan in some outside voyeur scenes, as well as Claire Lynch meets Jarrett from Subway… and yawn.

– Our show kicks off with Miz TV and Mr. Knee Injury himself, Jonathan “the pervert” Cena. And that is exactly what Miz is implying as he compares Cena’s latest actions as a TMZ story. Just in case I didn’t see him sucking face with AJ on RAW, they show the clip again. Miz is trying WAY too hard to be Morton Downey, Jr. and begins sucking back cigarettes… well he’s just sucking. R-Truth shows up out of nowhere, beats down John Morrison and lights one up himself as some British guy yells at him “That’s illegal!” Isn’t Miz supposed to be a face now since he’s in all those crap movies coming out? I don’t know, but all he establishes is he is either a catty junior high school girl, a douchebag, and/or just plain terrible at entertaining me. AJ comes out and tilts her head and shit. Dolph comes out and says Cena is ok, but dat ass AJ is trouble. “All I know is that if I was John Cena, I’d have feelings for AJ,” Dolph continues, “I’d hate her guts. And here’s why…” he notes….

I guess this explains all the cold sores.

– They replay Dolph’s Heeltastic rundown on AJ in the men’s locker room. J.T. is seen wearing nothing but a housecoat, holding up a sign stating, “Dolph’s promo was awesome! I wonder if it was pent up stress from his break up with Amy Schumer?” Cena comes at Dolph, so Dolph runs after Cena in the bathroom! “WATCH THE OIL!” Shouts ThinkSoJoE, wearing nothing but a towel, who is mopping up some spilt motor oil for his supersoaker, but it’s too late! Dolph and Cena slip and break through a bathroom stall! The two wrestlers are seen unconscious on the ground as Jorge walks out of the shower, wearing nothing, and says, “Dude, I was in the shower. Of course I’m naked! Plus, I just wrapped a walk on role in Vickie’s new porn website!”

True Love.

– After the segment Vickie comes out and shameless plugs the new site, Ex-Squeeze-Me.com, and the segment is put to rest. Cena tells the heels off, I guess. Then Ryback comes out looking to tango with the Darren Young, playah. They don’t give him promo time, since they’ve used every variation of words related to eating they could find in their Thesaurus on Monday.

– * Ryback vs. Darren Young. Young lasts longer than you would think, and this is likely a result of how awesome Titus was on commentary on RAW. He once again does a great job, but then ultimately does the job after Ryback kills Young. Titus yells at Ryback demanding to know what is wrong with him, and gets Shellshocked for his ability to talk (Ryback is jealous). J.T. is seen in the audience holding a sign asking, “Is this the part of the BWF Radio show where Joe and Jorge talk about Ryback being a beast, like the time Joe saw him in Buffalo?”

Dirty, dirty, dirty…

– * Non-Title Match: Antonio Cesaro {C} vs. R-Truth. Our first of THREE non-title matches of the evening. Regardless of our non-fighting champions being booked into a pit of apathetic doom, Cesaro comes out noting that clearly everyone has enjoyed their American Fake Thanksgiving, and that the REAL Thanksgiving is in October. Then he calls them all fatties and throws open-blade-locked army knives at them with notes attached stating, “Even though we tape Smackdown on Tuesday, and Thanksgiving hasn’t even taken place yet, I have perfected time travel.” Sadly, the note is written in lemon juice and no one in the crowd clues in they need heat to make the secret message appear. R-Truth knows, so he beats Cesaro handedly in almost seconds, defeating the Swiss U.S. Champion. Truth lights up a fat blunt, and places the heater under every single audience member’s note and they collectively sigh, then become angry immediately. But like the Swiss, they are apathetic and do not do anything. Also they are fat.

– If you haven’t figured out I am a sarcastic asshole sometimes in my reviews yet… I don’t hate Americans. I need dual citizenship so I can eat a shit load of turkey in November too.

– Brokerage T talks with Seamless backstage about Big Show. T makes great points about Sheamus being a fucking dick, but then contradicts himself and tells Sheamus he will punish Show later.

No caption can explain this one.

– * Sin Cara vs. Alberto Del Rio. On paper, this match could be really good. But if the moveset is written in lemon juice, Sin Cara is going to botch it up. JBL puts over Ric-Rod, and wishes he could introduce him. Ironic, no? Del Rio enters in his car. JBL kind of ignores that part of Del Rio’s gimmick as Cole shits his pants over the car. JBL does call this match an “Old Neighbourhood bad blood” match and talks about CMLL and the lucha libre history between the two. This one IS wrestled under the semen-detecting blue light of Cara. Del Rio is booked like the giant here, but Cara is not made to look completely weak. In fact, he looks pretty crisp…

– After we return from commercial break, Cara and Del Rio seem to be wrestling kind of stiff! Very cool, I’m liking this alot. This is what I think the WWE wants from these two, but it takes a familiarity, trust level, and comfort for them to rise to the occasion. While it ends a little later with Alberto submitting Cara with the armbar, still a great match.

– Backstage, Team Friendship have a nice comedic Calvin and Hobbes segment where Bryan asks if Kane’s anger towards him tonight is because Bryan didn’t invite him over for Thanksgiving… but also questions if Kane even likes Vegan Turkey. Kane scoffs. Bryan promises that if they win their match against Big Show tonight, Kane can come to his house for Christmas. Kane asks if he can beat up Xanta Klaus. Bryan thinks about it and replies “deal.” Balls Mahoney is immediately seen waiting by the phone staring at it rubbing his hands. Jorge passes by him, hits him with a steel chair and calls him a freak.

“Team Friendship Forever!” screams BWF Radio’s own, Jorge. He’s hijacked my image captions now. Pretty sneaky for a dude who hides from social media. Who dropped his pants in the kitchen with a bass guitar?

– * Non-Title Match: Big Show {C} vs. Team Hell No [Edit: Jorge] FRIENDSHIP. Bryan starts off, getting tossed around by Big Show and slapped up. No surprises here. After suffering at the hands of the giant, Bryan gets his wind back for a very long rest spot, snapping a sleeperhold on a standing Show. Honestly, I’d have a tough time calling it a rest, as Bryan enthusiastically and desparatly is keeping his head up and giving it 110% as Show expresses and sells immensely. But of course, Show escapes while Kane gets the hot tag and manages to drop the Big Show. Sheamus is seen in the audience watching, he’s a mouth breather, and behind him an audio tech is seen connecting two XLR cables behind him. Kane tags in Bryan who tries to finish off Show, and the WALKS AWAY! THE FUCK? Show gets out, finishes off Bryan and wins! Kane has foolishly tossed away his XXX-Mas Xanta Klaus beatdown opportunity!

– Sheamus is now seen sharing a pint with William Regal in the audience (they sell glass pint glasses in concessions now? That will turn out ugly). Show gets on the microphone and issues a chair match challenge for the TLC PPV and walks away. Sheamus’ eyes bug out like Quaid’s did when he was thrown into the outside on Mars near the end of Total Recall (the original, not the shit remake).

@Charles Barkley @G: “See these guys, G? I ate all of them on Thursday. ALL OF THEM.”

@G @Charles Barkley: “Ahh… sounds about right. Weight Watchers gets the weekend off, huh?”

– * Non-Title Match: Neon Mute Coffee Kingston {C} vs. Damien Sandow. We get a tout from Codrick Rhodes with a toque and a wrapped up shoulder throwing darts. OH MY GOD!!! RHODES IS IN ACES AND EIGHTS!!! WWE IS STEALING EVERYTHING FROM TNA!!! Fuck, whatever. At least Cody was wearing a Pete “The Plumber” Shirt. This should be vastly better that the snore-fest Sandow and Sheamus had on RAW which actually killed ten puppies out of sheer boredom. I didn’t kick those, nor did the bite me. But they might as well have, because that match sucked my balls. As Spatula City ads air, I teach poodles to fly. Alice Radley is seen smiling and pointing at Kofi the whole time, holding up a rubber ball.

Just after the confetti dropped, the judges realized that they had made a mistake and the prizes were relinquished.

– And we’re back. Sandow and Coffee battle, and damn I AM enjoying this match. These guys are all over the ring, detestably stealing the show. Great match, but Kingston BOOM BOOMS himself a victory. Wade Barrett grabs the microphone post match (I guess he was on commentary), and promises that he will be coming for the I.C. Title which he intends to hang in his store on Random St., Generic City, Insert-Country-Here. The locals will flock to purchase Barrett Barrage Energy bars made from the sweat and tears of the illegal immigrants Wade currently employs. Randall Marsh and other local town residents are heard complaining, “They took our jobs!” ThinkSoJoE jumps out from the audience and Wesley Snipes Barrett in the head with his supersoaker. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign stating, “Joe, wrong Randall!” JoE shrugs, ducks under the ring, and appears in the Midget People’s Court. His legal representative is David Otunga, and the prosecuting attorney is Joseph Parks. Hornswoggle finds him guilty of all charges against shooting the world’s tallest midget, but Jorge jail breaks Joe out and the two escape screaming, “Cobra! RETREAT!”

These are the types of animated gifs I love the most.

– Speaking of Destro, and his buddies, the CM Punk title celebration from RAW is shown. Then a bunch of marks are shown touting on Tout, sweating gravy from their Turkey dinners they haven’t actually ate yet because it’s Tuesday. Drow Goddess arrives, wielding a Scimitar… straight out of Menzoberranzan. She’s back, and not happy. Limbs are severed, heads are decapitated. Dryders begin to swarm the arena like out of the cult classic “Eight Legged Freaks” starring former WCW champion, David Arquette (Jorge pops up in a oldschool screen-in-screen graphic saying, and a young Scarlett Johansson!). The audience is either enslaved, web-wrapped, or killed with relentless abandon. Drow Goddess leaves in triumph to make her way to the Prison where Rick Grimes and the other Walking Dead characters (mostly) are holed up. She says coldly, “CM Punk better be good on the Talking Dead on Sunday, and not presented as some yokel backyard spotfest retard because he’s wrestler or Chris Hardwick dies.”

– TK3-Blar contacts me to arrange to fix my dishwasher hose and commend me on the ancient tribal recital at the Red Scion. The beating rat dog’s still-beating heart was accepted by the ancient evil gods. I text him back, “KTHX, I already notice that Drow returned last week.”

Just another day in the Great White North. Couldn’t find anything weird for this image post.

– * Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler. Orton enters the ring dragging what appears to be a giant piece of electronics that features nine pictures of sandwiches with prices beside them. I think I see a speaker attached to it. Wade Barrett sneaks out and places Getglue stickers for Barrett Barrage Energy Bars to each of the nine sandwich pictures. This distraction allows JoE to try and hack Orton’s system with a gadget he found in the Batman Arkham series. Doesn’t work, wait for the sequel maybe?

– I have no interest in this match, even with the 20 minutes allotted. Sad. I like Ziggler, but it happens. I decide that I’ve put Baby in a Corner. Patrick Swayze is dead though, so I should try and just watch. AND I DO! Our first segment is total Orton robot bullshit. WWE soap-rapes us all!

– We return, and I am calling Orton on being complacent and lazy here. Even the commentary is having a hard time justifying the retarded delays in Randall Keith Orton’s attacks. Joe dances around him multiple times, and the Viper doesn’t even notice. J.T. is seen holding up a sign in the audience, alongside Drow, Jorge, and Alice. The letters form the word, “LAZY.” What a terrible night to have a curse. Simon Dean PM’s me, “My last name is not Belmont, Fuck off weirdo.” I can’t blame him, but at least Dolph makes a near fall superplex look good. Orton ingests a fish meal, and goes into his dangling DDT sequence. Mat is punched, BUT ZIGGLER EATS A CHEESEBURGER AND ROLLS UP THE ROBOT! RIC-ROD OUT OF NOWHERE GET’S SUPERSIZED WITH AN RKO! DEL RIO CLIcks of the caps-all button and yells at Orton FUCK YEAH, ZIGGLER WINS!

– I actually kind of enjoyed this show from start to finish. Why the fuck did this air on a holiday weekend? Oh well. Go watch it, going to go jam with Cole…

That’s what you get.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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Survivor Naut G Has Returned to Wonderpod!

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Yes, folks. It’s true, it’s damn true. For the remainder of 2012 on wonderpodonline.com, the Survivor Naut G series is back for action-packed, hilarity with special collaborators Chris and Andrew Lloyd as well as some special surprises! While the gents discuss video games, the radio mini-series will invade weekly to poise a query during the adventures that ensue. Some one dies too. Who will it be?

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LEAVE YOUR WRESTLING FEEDBACK FOR BWF RADIO!

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That’s right smarks, marks, Little Jimmys and the like. You can now leave your audio rants and ravings and we will try to play it online.

Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-220-8949. Or, coincidentally, 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “G” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even stalk you! Hey, free stalker! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

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Shameless Plugs!

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A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, Glasenator, Jonkind and/or Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

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