Everybody and their brother is going on about the next gen consoles and I can’t help but think “meh.” A lot of people don’t understand this attitude, so I’m going to help explain it based on an overwhelming sense of apathy and the fact that it really doesn’t matter who wins the next console war or even if there is no clear winner, like the current one.

Which One Do I Fucking Buy

The age old question when a new console generation is on the horizon is always which one to buy. When we’re talking the new gen, we’re talking Nintendo 3DS, Playstation Vita, PS4, Xbox One, Wii-U, Ouya, Steambox, and some sort of iOS device. That’s 8 consoles. Count ’em, fucking 8. Assuming each one averages $500 a pop, that’s $4000.

No way in hell I’m affording that. But that’s okay! Just pick one, right? WHICH ONE. The problem is there will be a ridiculous amount of games, some better on certain consoles, some exclusive, and some that will be the same regardless of the console…all coming out in just the next few months.

Oh, but that’s easy! Just pick the one my friends’ pick. What if I don’t want that one? What if they pick it because they want to play Call of Duty Modern Same Ol Shit, but I want to play Final Fantasy Same Ol Shit and mine is only available on the OTHER console? What if I pick one at random and NONE of my friends end up getting that one? But, you know what…

When The Fuck Am I Going To Play It

Lately I’ve been working 7 days a week. This is primarily because I’m gearing up for the holidays, but even after they’re over, I will probably still have to keep this going for a bit. On a good day, I wake up, get the kids out the door, then sit down and play a game for an hour before I have to get ready to go.

By the time I get home, I don’t feel like doing anything, so I drink a bit while watching TV, then go to bed, only to start it all over again the next day. Assuming I got a portable, I would never fucking play it for two reasons. One, everything I just mentioned. Two, it is the weirdest feeling in the world to play a portable at home when you’re SURROUNDED by home consoles and PCs.

I barely have time for the games I have now, so what makes me think getting a brand new console would motivate me to play more? Oh right, I could play with my friends online! Oh, but damn…what would I play? I mean, there’s Watch Dogs and…and…what the hell else is there? Oh shit, looks like I don’t even know what there is to play.

What The Fuck Is There To Play

The only two games I know of that are hitting new consoles is Watch Dogs and there’s some basketball game or whatever that I have no interest in. That’s it. Sure, I’m sure there’ll be Call of Duty something or other, probably a new Halo, maybe a new Metal Gear, various exclusives per console, and so on, but if you asked me what 5 games I’m looking forward to…well, I honestly couldn’t tell you.

Now sure, this is easily the most pathetic excuse I could come up with, but it’s a valid one. I honestly could not tell you what is coming up on the new consoles, what exclusives will be available, what would be the best system to play certain games on, or why you should care, let alone why I should care.

But again, I could probably just figure that out AFTER I have a console…though, that does feel like putting the cart before the horse. But let’s assume I go on my friends’ recommendations for both consoles and games and then just deal with it. Well, there’s one very huge problem with that…

Oh Not This Shit Again

I bought Modern Warfare 2 on my friends’ recommendation and indeed did have a lot of fun with it both on and offline…for about a month. Then everybody started playing Bad Company 2, so I followed suit and once again, had a lot of fun both on and offline…for about a month. Then everybody started playing Left 4 Dead 2 and I followed suit…then they went to Medal of Honor and that’s where I decided “fuck it.”

Why? Well, it would’ve been one thing if each purchase was $40 or less or let’s say I really just had money to burn, but that’s a resounding NOPE in both instances. For most of those purchases, the game was $60, only had about a month’s worth of appeal, and eventually was only fun if I wanted to buy more into the game (i.e. map packs) or if my friends were actually online to play with AND weren’t playing something else I didn’t care to own.

So even IF I chose to get the consoles and games everyone else was playing, I would eventually end up with no money whatsoever because I’d be constantly following suit, working overtime solely to fuel a gamer habit to play games that, while fun, are only momentarily fun and completely dependent on my friends playing them at the same time, furthermore…

Don’t I Already Have Shit To Play

This is the final, main point. Currently, I have over 300 games on steam, hundreds of console titles, and hundreds of titles available for download on XBLA and PSN. If I had to do a full headcount right now, it probably would be over 1000 titles and that’s not including anything I have emulated right now either.

Even with that many titles literally right at my fingertips, I often have no idea what I want to play and have spent several minutes at a time trying to figure out the answer to that very question, which often leads to me being annoyed by the ironic convenience that I strived for again and again when I was a child.

In summation, I don’t give a fuck what you’re playing or why or on what. At some point I’ll give a shit and get whatever new system, but that won’t be for a while. I’m perfectly happy to be a gamer hermit because it means I know what I have available and I’ll never get completely bored with them either. Have fun spending money! PBBBBBBBBT!!