Since I have things that force me to only appear briefly on BWF Radio 101 this Sunday, I plan on making this the worst best G’s-non-present Smackdown review ever. It will still be better than the RAW review, of course, but I assure you, it will suck. And no, this is not just a swerve or a distraction to confuse ThinkSoJoE into skipping over the word-for-word verbatim that usually appears on the show.

Wouldn’t it be hilarious if this got read on BWF Radio when I am away this Sunday? Dog Gammit… only one way to find out. Maybe J.T. Hogan will read the whole thing in his J.T. Game voice?

Hopping time…

I never lie in my reviews after all.

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question. Often these reviews are read aloud on BWF Radio, a show that ThatDamnDoubleC hijacks and attempts to be funny in the show notes. He’s never funny. Also, go fuck yourself, RAW review.

Yep.

– I ascend from my apartment basement after stretching some taffy on the Rack and putting some random people in my Iron Maiden, to turn on this Smackdown show I’ve heard so much about. I’m told it’s the bees knees, which tells me nothing. I’ve never seen knees on bees as I run in fear from them like Rob Ford will run for Mayor in Toronto on a platform to legalize mayonnaise in Canada. For too long have our BLT chicken sandwiches been lacking the egg and oil based fattening condiment. WE WILL BE SATED!

Humans are funny.

– * WWE Tag Team Title Match: Cody Rhodes and Goldust {C} vs. The Real Americans. The Ghost of Teddy Long Time is seen hovering near ringside dancing in a Roaring Twenties style, as he currently haunts this arena. He was last seen holding up a JT in the audience with a beauty pageant sash stating, “ALL FUCKING CHAMPIONS SHOULD DEFEND THEIR CHAMPIONSHIPS IN EVERY MATCH LOCAL HOT CHICK, PLAYAH”. Wait, what? So they wrestle. JT WINS! And the wrestlers wrestle too, because wrestling. It’s given a bunch of time, as it should. No complaints. And yes, even Jack Swagger is good here. This match is highly watchable. Swagger ultimately puts Goldust into his anklelock, which Rhodes breaks up. Cesaro gets his swing spot on Cody, then Goldust runs in for a near fall rollup, but NO! And Goldy pins Swagger as Zeb Coulter weeps. So does my guitar which became sentient after I broke a string. It tells me it’s like breaking an arm. Bullshit. My arm is not made of nickle wound coils. Fucking lying guitar. I smash it and end it’s complaining. That guitar was a mark for itself, anyways. Champs retain.

– Ryback has issued an open challenge to anyone. I hope Stan Stansky comes back. Or maybe that popcorn dude that also sells smuggled Barrett Barrage Energy Bars on the side. He has that new Evan Bourne inspired flavor that all the boys who used to like his milkshake in The Deadman’s yard loved. Formaldehyde is the secret ingredient. Shhh… just between me and you.

Matt Striker puts Evan Bourne on the shelf forever? Not sure, we tried to get Striker on BWF Radio. ThinkSoJoE is getting back to him apparently… or is he? Evan Bourne is back in a couple weeks… Yeah.

– A cloud of dust envelops the arena, as the Mediocre Khali answers Ryback’s mumbly-joe issued challenge…

– * Ryback vs. Mediocre/Replaceable Khali. There’s some dude in Japan training to be the new Khali. This is going to be as exciting as the fake Razor Ramon! I wonder if the new guy will accidently kill anyone while training too… Vote on the WWE App to find out! They have a match or something. This is fucking terrible. Nothing to see here, move on. Ryback or Kelly Kelly wins, I guess.

@Charles Barkley @G: “Skipping out on BWF Radio I see, G.”

@G @Charles Barkley: “I could take you in hoops in a zombie apocalypse, brah.”

– AJ Styles and Diesel talk with Vick-Rod about Turtle Deviants on E! And they are facing the Thomas Hurtles tonight because Sharknado. AJ is concerned as she is supposed to be court for a child custody battle with Claire Lynch during the scheduled match, but Vick-Rod notes their child, Sweet Pea, will be on a pole. So it’s all good.

– Did you know? There’s a PPV this Sunday. No, I’m serious. There is actually a PPV this Sunday.

– Booker, Foley and Bret on the pre-show? What a screw job. Maybe Bret will run in and fast count Orton? Wouldn’t that be hilarious. Sigh. Being 36 means I’m not in their key-demo. HBK with the T-Shirt Gun at the SS PPV. Fuck you Colonel Mustard.

I see.

– * Handicap Non-Title Match: AJ Lee {C} vs. Cameron and Naomi. Since this match’s stips suck, I don’t even really watch it, and chat about awesome Canadian television shows (yes, I know) like Kids In The Hall, SCTV, The Littlest Hobo, and Degrassi Junior High elsewhere. Naomi wins with her ass-attack thing, and AJ passes out due to dehydrahation or something. My interest in waning. See, I’m still in love with a girl named Spike.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahIrTy4WDGM[/youtube]

– Bray Wyatt cuts a decent promo. It’s kind of redundant though, but what do you expect at this point.

– * The Shield vs. Rey Mysterio and the Usos. I want to enjoy this match. So I try to seperate myself from being a total dick. The problem is, I don’t really enjoy castration. The last four times I tried it, it was only fun for three or four minutes, and then it just got old. Rey Mysterio knows what I am talking about. ThinkSoJoE is shambling around ringside attacking and eating people in the audience until Jorge runs in and places a James Brown cape upon him…

Jorge: Woah little doggie… you’re ok, man. Chill.
Joe: RAWR!!!
Jorge: No seriously, Joe. You’re not a zombie anymore.
Joe: RAWR?
Jorge: G made you human again.
Joe: Really? He never explained why.
Jorge: G! …. G! …. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, G?
Joe: He left early, remember? RAWR? So I’m not a zombie anymore?
Jorge: He said he’d explain it in a later episode. Where did he go?
Joe: That’s one of the trivia questions on this week’s episodes. I suspect he’s off to impregnate JT.
JT: What?
JT Hogan: Brother!?!?
JT Macho Man: OH YEAH!
JT HHH: Time to play the game!
JT G: I’m ready for it, buddy! Shred rape time!
JT: I need help…
JT Al Snow: What does everybody want!?! What does everybody need?!?!?
Jorge: This got awkward fast.
Joe: Happy Fake Thanksgiving everybody!
Mark: Am I in this segment?
Joe: Nope.
JT: Nope.
Jorge: I think Christopher Columbus was Spanish and he thought the locals in the US were from India, so just like you, Jinder Mahal is not from Calgary.
Mark: I’m not from Calgary either.
Jorge: Racist.
Mark: What?
Joe: Drew McIntyre told me Heath Slater was from Nepal.
JT: Where is G?
Mark: I heard he’s hanging out with Wilson, and Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor, is all angry like.
Joe: That’s bullshit, I saw him taking it to Vera while Norm is hanging with Cliff at Cheers. I saw it on Brazzers last week through my all-inclusive VIP membership account.
JT: PFFT. G was riding Snuffleupagus into new heights of orgasmic history with his cocktalk inspired 3D endeavor known as, “One G, One fictional-wooley-mammoth, One JT.” We worked hard on that video.
Mark: I hope you worked hard.
Jorge: Ha ha!
Joe: I don’t get it.
Mark: Who won that match?
JT: Where’s Poochie?

– It’s actually a fantastic match and worth watching. It serves to put over everyone, and they all look good. Realistically, though, it comes as no surprise that Mysterio comes out on top to defeat Ambrose ultimately after much shennanigans. He hits a 619 and Drops A Dime on Dean to finish a pretty fun bout. Will they prevail on Sunday? Mayhaps… Buy steal buy steal the replay.

I think we can all relate to this. Walking on the moon, that is.

– Big Show is all smiley in the ring to remind us how exciting and exhilarating his match with Randall Keith Orton will be on Sunday, because piracy. The only reason Show is back is to punish him and the fans and drop the buyrates because, well shit, no one really wants to see this. They play clips and stuff. A bunch of black bears and chipmunks dance outside the ring attempting to distract us. It doesn’t work. Napalm drops upon the arena and everybody dies again. Oh well.

– Show plays the spoiled brat card on Orton. Orton has no real retort. I wonder who will die on The Walking Dead this Sunday.

– Backstage, R-Truth begins a Shop-Zone promo, and enters into a dream state and Delicious Pretty Ricky enters. This is insanely racist. What the fuck is wrong with this company?

YOINKS! (and on a side note, the fellow who stole the “stick” is named “Perry” and the fellow who had his “stick” stolen is named “Semin”. Do the math).

– * Big E Langston and Dolph Ziggler vs. Curtis Axel and Damien Sandow (Random Match!). To be honest, I can’t complain. This is out of left field, so I kind of like that. And it gives us a little more of the Ziggler/Langston closure we need. Big E makes short work of the heels. Post match, Axel attempts to be relevant and attack Langston, but he chokes in a cloud of cocaine hands and falls outside the ring into imperfection, because that’s how he rolls. Christian is dead, I guess. Cocaine overdose?

– Renee Young talks to ADR backstage. I don’t care. They’ve jobbed out ADR to geek-status via super-Cena. This isn’t relevant. FFW. Fuck this.

Fuck that bear. He’s no ordinary bear.

– I stop caring. I also stop caring for pedestrians. I hide out in the Rocky Mountains over the weekend and change my license plate and re-paint my car. FFW THROUGH THIS SHIT!

– * Daniel Bryan vs. Luke Harper

SHEEPDUCTION!

– Lantern entrance. Etc. FFW. Looked decent. Ran out of steam. Normally I’d care… yawn/ Sleep time. Bryan, I guess. Yawn. All you need to know is that Bray gets involved, Bryan gets angry, Punk runs in and shit gets all clustered. The Wyatts stand atop at the end, so Punk/Bryan will probably win on Sunday. Meh.

– Side note: * 3MB vs. Prime Time Players. I read this match happened on the show. Don’t remember seeing it. Doesn’t matter if it did. I assume someone won. Hopefully it was Howard Finkel.

The fuck, Santino?.

– Final Thought: The WWE hasn’t put any care into this PPV. Why should you? Don’t spend your money on this one, folks. If they don’t care, why should you? Don’t support the company if they are apathetic… that’s foolish.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!

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Listen LIVE starting at 2 PM EST here. here on Mixlr.com.
Check out BWF Radio every week. It goes up on i-Tunes on Sunday in the late afternoon of North America
Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

A go to place for professional wrestling, boxing, MMA, and other combat sports news, rumors, podcasts and so forth. Always a nice place to get your fix, or simply learn more about the performers and athletes themselves. They are one of our go to resources for news and information for BWF Radio, and we wouldn’t have it any other way to share our content with them. Great site!
Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

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Shameless Plugs!

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Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, Glasenator, Jonkind and/or Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

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An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.