Well, here we are again. Yes, it’s Friday. I started off my day driving through the snowy tundra hell that Calgary has become over the last week in search of a drill bit set for my Dad. Then I had the delight of appearing on an upcoming special episode of RWR with Alice Radley. Then, I returned to the tundra and honed my trades, only to return to Smackdown. That’s what life is… a series of down-endings. You start being ripped from the womb. Childhood is awesome, but you don’t appreciate it. Then you work. Then you die. So with that bleak metaphor…

Then we found out our RWR recording was corrupted and the file was lost. Alice and I had a fun conversation… but it seems that Barkley hates wrestling fans.

Hopping time…

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question. Often these reviews are read aloud on BWF Radio, a show that ThatDamnDoubleC hijacks and attempts to be funny in the show notes. He’s never funny. Also, go fuck yourself, RAW review.

– I just read the non-spoiler match listing. This will not bode well. Four. Four non-title matches. Ahem…

– DIE!!!

– Four-sided die, to be exact.

– Our soulless automaton champion of Monday Night Chafed makes his way down in search of more human slaves now that the robots have taken over. In 10 days, he shall be upgrading his software and installing more RAM against the Man they call Cena-Evil. They have been doing battle for about five years in a match for the ages. And that matches’ time limit is almost up. Amazon drones begin delivering flaming paper bags willed with robot used oil discharges to the audience within a half an hour.

It was free cake night.

– Then John Connor Denial Bryan rushes out to note that he has never been legitimately been beaten by Orton. And he’s too legit to quit. Even though he has been distracted by parachute pants, and training to become a preacher in a bayou. He wants a match tonight with Astroboy. Astroboy is unable to detect the mistake he made in his account of the adventure in tonight’s episode and his punishment is to face Dray Bryatt in a match of no significance… TONIGHT!

London is that much better than you.

– * Non-Title Match: Big E. Langston {C} vs. Fandango (w/ Some R. Ray). Yay? I liked Johnny Curtis. I like Mr. Cocaine Hands. I suspect there is absolutely no reason for Big E. Smalls to get murdered by not-so-much Damien Sandow two Sundays from now. So this match is pretty much a paper cut in the book known as “WWE Letting G Down”. Langston eats him, and grinds up his bones to make some bread. Damien Sandow shows up and reads a book to Big E. Cocaine and all the children in the audience… only to be interrupted by some dick named Jack that Hogan and HHH always refer to in their promos. J.T. is seen in the audience with Jorge and Joe climbing up what appears to be a giant, phallic-esque foliage growth that has erupted through the north section of the arena. Mark, of BWF Radio, looks on, commenting, “Why in the hell are you three climbing up that?” Joe responds, “I’ve already died in these reviews, what do I have to lose?” J.T. follows up with, “Peer pressure?” Jorge is seen eating beans. Only Mark survives. Or maybe he was kidnapped. Perhaps he is no longer Leo Krueger. It doesn’t matter.

THAT DOG LEARNED TO DRIVE A FUCKING CAR. Jerk. Seriously. A car. Think about that..

– * Non-Title Match: Goldust and Cody Rhodes {C} vs. Ryback and Curtis Axel. The Rhodes Bros get to work early with Together-We-Are-One-Wrestler-Who-Is-Still-Boring. If TWAOWWISB was given to actually win the belts in this match, they would have problems too. It looked like a good start, as Goldust and Rhodes seem to do little wrong. However, the finish is heeltastic (in the loosest sense of the words) as Cody attempting to get back into to the ring is dragged in by Curtis “No-Days-Off-From-Being-Charismatic” Axel and rolled up. Yawn. He gets the pin, and suck. and suck. and suck.

Spoiling kayfabe before the internet. Did smarks live in their Mom’s basement before electricity? I hope so. They could look after the smoked salted meat that way. People might try to steal that stuff. Snap into one!

– I’m still looking for the little gem in this episode. It’s in here, dammit.

– “Bad News” Wade “The Barber” Barrett is out here. First he tells us that Barrett Barrage Energy Bars stock has been decreasing at a rapid rate, as the corpse of multi-share owner Jorge (of BWF Radio Fame) is seen plummeting from the sky half eaten, and half pants-less. J.T. is stapled to him holding up a sign stating: “Investing was a bad idea in this gimmick too!”. J.T. is saved by a flying trampoline sited in Glasgow and returns well beyond the Avatar plant world, to cloud city where he cunt punches Lando Calrissian. He then steals Billy Dee Williams moustache and sells it to Eric Cartman and opens a new chain of fastfood chili outlets, because that’s how he boils. Not that I would stir the pot. I was fired unceremoniously fired from J.T.’s Chili Funtime for adding my own homemade ingredient.

… so yeah.

– What a waste. Barrett is tells us the audience is cowardly sheep. Is this like reverse-DDP? When he retires, will he do Agoy?

– Tonight Punk will take on a single member of The Shield tonight. They cut a fun promo, and one in which Reigns starts. It might be the gem. Reigns, actually… no seriously, leads this promo and does a very good job. “It’s going to take the baddest man in The Shield to take him out…” says Reigns, as our promo nears it’s end. He is cut off by Ambrose, who notes, “In other words, It’s me.” They hi-five and shit, but Roman looks a little upset, only furthering the storyline.

– * Non-Title Match: Dean Ambrose {C} vs. CM Punk. This might be our gem. The Shield enter, and in classic mode, Ambrose gives them their departure and heads out alone. 😀 I miss that. This is pretty cool. Ambrose and Punk are clearly calling this in the ring, and that makes me swoon. I remember Punk calling Ambrose the WWE’s secret weapon. The two trade spots in a match that really displays what could be potential for a PPV quality match (and I’m not shocked) for segments. This may be the best match I watched this week. I just watched it, and shit, this is why I watch wrestling. Punk SHOULD be the US Champion, but for a match… yeah. Watch this. I found a third thumb to put up. Punk wins with a GTS, as he should. And yet, it leaves me watching more.

– Backstage, Renee Young talks to Rey Mysterio about the Cena/Orton title match thingy. Zeb Coulter and his crew interrupt wondering why Mysterio wears a mask and what he is hiding. Rey, retorts noting he was born in ‘Murica, so this prompts a match issuing via Coulter. Rey notes that print media is dead, and the internet is the wave of the future. Suddenly a Tsunami filled with the ink of lies floods the interview! Michelangelo of Renaissance fame is seen swinging his nunchucks, skateboarding, and screaming that the pizza-dude is late. He is a repeated complainant, and dies from ingesting a double-pepperoni filled with staples for not tipping. Raphael shakes his head, and then turns his shell, quietly mumbling, “You should have gave him a real address, Mikey. That was a dick move.”

Just another thing of beauty. Albeit, if this happened in a game…

– * Natalya vs. Tamina. AJ joins commentary to detract from the best two Divas from actually wrestling. Sigh. Gotta fuck up everything in the female division, don’t you, WWE? AJ is all banter and head tilts we can’t see as Cole attempts to ignore people screaming at him in his headset. The two ladies have a great match, regardless. The crowd kind of reacts, and that is what you want. It’s a shame it’s short, but Natalya picks up the win.

Reason 1 soccer games are low scoring.

– Shopzone ad. Fuck that.

– * Rey Mysterio and Big Show vs. The Real Americans. I see. I kind of care about this. This is really a story about Show defending Mysterio, because of some backstage shenanigans tonight. It’s a typical, but fun match. Will this be on TLC for no reason? Probably. It seems like a bit of a waste of all four guys though. The best part is Show putting Rey on his shoulders to get the finish with a diving headbutt. But still, why? Worth a watch. Storytelling need not apply.

The world changed. Hobo won. Deal.

– Contract signings… RAW… It’s been 5 years, and the time limit is coming to an end. I hope we get this in 2018 too. RESTART THE MATCH!

– Alice and I discuss this:

It’s always a good idea to make light of WWII, because… umm…

– HEY LOOK!! It’s Bad News Brown here to tell us that the product is in a down-turn! YAY! He has good news? We are garunteed to only have one champion, and will be the champion of champions. But the bad news is that he will be targeted by random heels that will job to him, because LOL, Cena wins.

– The non-spoilers said * Kofi Kingston vs. Alberto Del Rio was a thing. I maybe missed it. Oh well.

He really is a robot. He can put his arm back on (and add a third), so play safe. Order… cheese… burgers.

– * Non-Title Match: Randy Orton {C} vs. Daniel Bryan. I can’t say I’m thrilled about this. This feud was ruined, and since it’s purely a fucking grudge match, why should I? Why should you? Exactly. Fuck this. The match itself is good, don’t get me wrong, even with the backstory being a steaming pile of RKO-Collector items. Fuck it. This match is good. Don’t get me wrong. I just don’t care about it. Non-title can suck my ass. It’s filled with digestive fluids and solid matter, only available at your local G.

@Charles Barkley @G: “Thanks for letting me kidnap the not-you, you.”

@G @Charles Barkley “First my marker, and now this!?!”

– Then the Wyatts run in and distract, and Orton gets an RKO on Bryan for the win. Spooky. I guess. Beards of a feather will beard together? Lame. Just lame… Movember is over, so I guess it’s Beardvember?

– My bad, Bray Wyatt is seen on the Turnertron cutting a promo… Wyatt questions how many times Bryan must cross this burning bridge fighting alone, and essentially aludes to that Brian should side with the beards and whatnot. Yeah, if cults and shit. I kind of dig this tangent. It would be better if they make this whole gimmick about the bullshit screwing over of the IWC fans, and the kids who like pointing upwards multiple times while voting affirmatively.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!

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Listen LIVE starting at 2 PM EST here. here on Mixlr.com.
Check out BWF Radio every week. It goes up on i-Tunes on Sunday in the late afternoon of North America
Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

A go to place for professional wrestling, boxing, MMA, and other combat sports news, rumors, podcasts and so forth. Always a nice place to get your fix, or simply learn more about the performers and athletes themselves. They are one of our go to resources for news and information for BWF Radio, and we wouldn’t have it any other way to share our content with them. Great site!
Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We cirumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?

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Shameless Plugs!

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