Since my DVR selectively chose not to record Impact last night, I opted to give Smackdown a chance. Did it record? I hope so, but you wouldn’t be reading this sentence if it did not.

Probably the biggest story, or strongest, is that Mark Henry won the title from Orton last Sunday. It took him fifteen years to do it, and he has no inclination to accept praise from the fans. They never rooted for him before, so why should he care now? Let’s see how this episode unfolds, shall we?

Got my ducks in a row this week… I hope.

– Laurinaitus starts of the show in the ring with the whole Smackdown roster at ringside (but only one Sin Cara). HHH has lost control, etc., was his original opinion. But after Monday Night RAW, John has changed his mind and feels HHH is indeed doing a good job. The Game will be here later, but first, let’s introduce the new champion, Mark Henry.

– Henry comes out looking angry, but agrees to shake Johnny Ace’s hand before taking the microphone. He begins to point out how the guys at ringside didn’t believe in him… but is quickly cut off by HHH’s music. Hunter walks into the ring and extends his hand for a congrats. Henry will have NONE of it, and leaves the COO hanging…. so Christian finds a microphone somewhere and enters the ring. He tells HHH he thinks he is doing a great job… and goes into a classic Christian weasel promo about how Henry isn’t marketable. Then he fishes for a “one more match” chant, but this isn’t Canada so the crowd no sells. HHH still grants Christian his title match for tonight in a lumberjack match, jack.

Reason one not to drink the kool-aid err… local water.

– * Sheamus vs. Heath Slater. “This match is like Ronald McDonald versus the girl from Wendy’s” notes Cole, claiming someone Tweeted him that earlier. Whatever, this looks like a feeder match. Slater gets some offence in, surprisingly. I expected a total squash, but Slater certainly looks decent here and even lands a nice looking reverse Diamond Cutter. But it was not to be, as Sheamus “hulks up” and Brogue Kicks Slater back to Saved By The Bell to hang with Zack, Screech, and Mr. Belding. Your winner is Sheamus.

– Christian petitions Khali to have his back tonight, to which Khali “clearly” says, “I understand, you are small.” That was funny!

Charles Barkley @G: “Hey G, I heard a rumor on the dirt sheets that BANG BANG! Mick Foley accidently leaked he will be a special guest referee in an upcoming WWE PPV…”

G @Charles Barkley: “I heard that too, but there doesn’t seem to be much more than that. A rumor. But I think it is safe to assume we will see him again soon in some capacity.”

* Wade Barrett vs. Justin Gabriel. Well, here’s the squash match. Barrett destroys Gabriel in under two minutes, landing his Wasteland finisher for the pin. A shame. But Heath Slater gets time. Ok.

– Orton cuts a terrible interview segment with Matt Striker about going to hell in reference to the uber-rushed upcoming Hell-in-a-Cell PPV. Then we’re shown clips from all of the best classic HiaC matches, full of spots we won’t see at the PPV… as you might be able to tell, there is no way I am shelling out for this card. Christian appeals to Ezekial Jackson backstage to help him out… rinse, lather, repeat.

* Beth Phoenix & Natalya vs. AJ & Kaitlyn. Really? Gawd awful if this isn’t a squash… I guess Kaitlyn can do a dropkick. She can also take a double team delayed brain buster. AJ, on the other hand, can barely perform a dropkick. Why are these two not in OVW learning how to wrestle? Ugh. Phoenix puts AJ (and us) out of her misery. Divas of Destruction FTW.

Total squash match?

– * Non-Title Match: Cody Rhodes {C} vs. Randy Orton. After some good back and forth action, Rhodes takes off a turnbuckle, distracting the referee. Then he assaults Orton with his mask, and attempts to hastily put it back on and go for the pin. BUT NO! Orton kicks out at 2.5, and the referee notices and questions Rhodes about why his mask is off… Orton grabs said mask from the ref, clocks Rhodes with it and get’s DQ’d. Rhodes wins, but Orton beats the hell out of him post match… Orton grabs the ring bell, and rings it menacingly and knocks him in the head. Rhodes GETS BUSTED OPEN THE HARD WAY!! COLOUR!!! Then Orton goes to put Rhodes through the announcer table, AND IT DOES NOT BREAK! HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Orton has had this problem multiple times. Orton walks out frustrated with Rhodes blood all over his chest. There is no way WWE could edit this out, as it appears Rhodes must have been gushing. But they went as far that someone off camera must have wiped Orton off between walking away from the table to the entrance ramp.

– Sheamus is also approached by Christian, who gives him a potato. In the funniest bit of the night, Sheamus notes sarcastically that he’s Irish and all they eat are potatoes. As Christian leaves, Sheamus takes a bite out of it, and spits it out stating with disgust, “This isn’t from Ireland… It’s from Idaho.”

I am completely addicted to Dead Island… just putting this unrelated animated gif into this review makes me want to FFW through the rest of Smackdown and go play it… but I can’t let it absorb my life, right?

* The Great Mediocre Khali vs. Jinder Mahal. Remember this story arch? No? You’re not alone. I’d bother explaining it, but stopped caring around the same time that WWE creative did the same. I wish they’d bill Mahal from his real hometown. That’s right, folks. He’s from Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Jinder goes right at the Mediocre one… hits a nice looking DDT (yes, Khali sells this well), among other spots. ARGLE BARGLE! And Khali takes control with his slow lumbering style, lands some power bomb thing, and places his foot on the chest of Jinder “Future Endeavored?” Mahal for the win.

– * Daniel Bryan vs. Sin Cara. Things start off with some catch-as-catch-can, leading to a surfboard stretch on Cara. The referee counts whenever Bryan’s shoulders are down here, which is fucking awesome. Attention to details, folks! Then things get messed up. The second Sin Cara runs in, takes out the first Sin Cara. Then cheap shots an injured Bryan and gets the pin. And I guess it counts as a win for the first Sin Cara? WTF?

This is a pretty awesome little gif. Lucha meets a Heavy Weight.

– Christian approaches Zack Ryder to help him, but Ryder notes he cannot as he is the Assistant Manager of Smackdown. Then Zack kayfabes a call from “Hugh.”

* WWE Tag Team Title Match: Air Boom {C} vs. The Usos. Hey look! The only two legitimate tag teams in the WWE! That means you have a fifty percent chance to be a champion then, huh? And it’s like two minutes long. Sure, there are a bunch of cool high spots and a fun watch… however, by squashing their only competition, THERE IS NO COMPETITION. BOO!!!

This FIFA glitch is Sid Vicious to look at. Painful… Hall of Pain?

* World Title Match: Mark Henry {C} vs. Christian. Looks like they are giving this 7 minutes at best. It starts really slow with Henry just tossing Christian around. Then out to the matts… where Ezekial Jackson tells the other lumberjacks to back off, and then attacks him himself. More Henry pushing around Christian. Captain Charisma can’t get any attacks in, really? After a while, Christian has to land two top rope missle drop kicks on Henry to drop the big man… Henry exits the ring and pulls Christian out with him, but the lumberjacks ALL attack Mark Henry. Henry FUCKING KILLS ALL OF THEM. Except Khali, who just stands there looking confused. Sheamus tosses Christian back into the ring, and into an awaiting World’s Strongest Slam. Mark Henry retains his World Title with a pin.

– Post match, Randall Keith Orton runs in and attacks Henry. Orton’s standing dropkick must have more magical powers than those of Christian as it’s power rating launches Henry outside the ring.

– Final Thoughts: Lots of action (maybe too many matches), but whatever. That was great. Sheamus eats a potato made me genuinely laugh. Also, seeing Rhodes busted open was fantastic because it’s so rare on WWE television in the current era. A shame they squashed the wrong things tonight like Justin Gabriel, Christian, and the entire tag team program.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
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LarG Productions
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ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.