Egad, RAW was horrible this week. I’m not even going to bother getting into it, instead turn the page to everybody’s favorite “B” Show. So, let’s just hop into it… shall we? Oh, and if you haven’t heard, it looks like Dave Lagana has jumped from ROH to TNA. Totally unrelated, I know.

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– A lengthy recap of the Big Show returning last week is played.

– Theodore Long comes out accompanied by Johnny Ace… they make up some stat about being the second longest running show in their category of episodic television… which is garbage. This is a wrestling program, I don’t care if you want to use the sports entertainment tag, sorry WWE. Did you know? Did you care? To celebrate this, they are to have the largest (unannounced) battle royal with cheese in history. Why is it the biggest? They added one more wrestler to make it 41 over last year’s Royal Rumble match.

– * 41 Man Battle Royal (Winner Gets a Title Shot at the Champion of Their Choice). This is going to be impossible to recap in real time, so let’s just say every male wrestler on either RAW or Smackdown is in it, unless they are already title holders… well WWE or Heavy Weight title holders. William Regal is even in it. Damn, that ring is crowded. No Big Show or Cena… or blue Sin Cara…

I wish shaving worked in reverse this easily…

– Notables: Cody Rhodes is first eliminated. Orton spends significant time outside the ring, on the apron behind a pole. NXT guys are in this, even though technically they are vying to get a contract on their show… John Morrison lasts more than 10 seconds?? They have the audacity to cut to a commercial for this “historic” moment! Primo is still employed, and lasts longer than JoMo. David Otunga, Mason Ryan, Tyler Rekks, Primo and Jinder Mahal all last longer than Daniel Bryan. Santino does the hang on the ropes spot, but then attempting to setup the Cobra is eliminated by Christian! HA HA! Zack Ryder lasts to be 15th eliminated… Sheamus Brogue Kicks Heath Slater off the ring apron in a very cool looking elimination, and Sheamus goes on to clear a bunch more…

Mario is totally winning this battle royal!

– Final eight remaining: Sheamus, CM Punk, Jinder Mahal, The Miz, R-Truth, Wade Barrett, Randall Keith Orton, and Jack Swagger.

– Truth and Punk both go next… after Punk takes out Truth, Miz capitalizes on a turned back… Punk and Truth fight ringside… Christian runs in and eliminates Sheamus! Orton eliminates Barrett and Swagger immediately, then gets Mahal… Miz is playing possum, sneaks up on Orton and thinks he eliminates him, BUT NO!!! The final two square off! Orton goes into Viper mode attacking the ring matt… both are on the ring apron trading punches… RKO on the Miz and both men fall to the outside as the referees argue over who won… Orton is your winner since he technically hit the floor last.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

– That’s kind of bullshit. If he executed a move that eliminated himself, I think that means there is no winner. I read they are doing another one of these in the month, so if you like clustershmozes like me, stay tuned.

– Josh Matthews asks Orton who choses to face Mark Henry tonight (as was the stip).

At least it’s a better match on paper than the battle of old men being showcased on Bound For Glory this weekend.

– Alberto Del Rio is shown leaving since Orton didn’t pick him, and therefore he has no reason to be here. Theodore Long tells him no deal, he’ll fight Sheamus tonight.

– * Beth Phoenix (w/ Natalya) vs. Kelly Kelly (w/ Eve Torres). God I hate Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly’s new shrieking like a banshee gimmick. Ugh… Pheonix appears to dominate for a bit, and is clearly carrying the load. Shocked? Phoenix gets a decisive win, but not before Kelly botches a spot and clocks Beth in the head. Shocked? Outside the ring, if you watch Beth, she clearly laughs to Nattie and says “She got me in the head.” HAHAHAHHA! Beth is a class act. Kelly is a… what’s the point. I generally don’t wish career ending injuries on wrestlers… generally.

Charles Barkley @G: “I actually watched RAW this week on your suggestion. That New COO guy was supposed to wrestle a broomstick, and they failed to deliver.”

G @Charles Barkley: “I think ‘failed’ is the correct description. Indeed.”

– Sin Cara Blue’s entry music hits, but we cut to the back and see Sin Cara Black beating the shit out of him. Black grabs Blue’s mask… and walks away… with his back turned, he takes off his own mask so we cannot see his face, tosses the black mask down and puts on the blue mask. The “You stole my gimmick in Mexico, so I’m stealing your gimmick in the US” storyline continues. Then he comes out to the ring.

Headbanging Bear and the kids in the crowd are at odds about this development. Stupid kids. You got the biggest Battle Royal in history, and you are crying? The bear needs to show them how to ride the lightening…

-* Sin Cara Black vs. Justin Gabriel. Business picks up right away, as Gabriel hits a sick looking sideways rolling splash to the outside! Then Justin goes for a frog splash right into Cara’s seated, but launched, kick… Cara hits the top rope to land a 180 splash on Gabriel to pick up the win! Sweet little spotfest, which I’m sure was retaped 210937967423 times in front of the live crowd.

– Long talks with Air Boom, then Vickie enters petitioning for Dolph and Jack to face the Boom for the titles. No deal, says Long. Enter Zack Ryder who says why not let him team with Kofi tonight instead, WOO WOO WOO, you know it! Holla holla holla! (they say this each twice). See, they are selling an injury angle on Bourne from last week, so this kind of makes sense.

MMA Hurricarana? Yep.

– We’re told for like the 5th time that WWE broke their personally defined record of episodic television. Bleh.

-* Alberto Del Rio vs. Sheamus. Robert Rodriguez is spot on, as per usual. Some people complain that Del Rio’s character hasn’t evolved a lot since his debut. I’m not one of these haters. He doesn’t need to change too rapidly. AND…. AND… he has his own damn personal ring announcer. How does THAT not separate him from the pack? Whatever… on to the match. They start off things slow, and build. Tests of strength, submission attempts, etc. They don’t seem to have the best chemistry though, and things feel awkward. After about 5 minutes, Captain Charisma sneaks in as Rodriguez causes a referee distraction, allowing for a cheap shot to Sheamus’ head and Del Rio gets the win.

– Post match, Christian hits a spear on Sheamus, but recovers quickly! Christian looks pissed, so he hits another spear! I can smell a PPV match coming out of this, perhaps?

Right out of nowhere?

– Some new movie trailer for a Cena debacle is shown. I think it’s called “See No Profit,” “The Marginal,” or “Triple H Gets Out of Jail Part 4.” Then Vickie “excuse me”‘s her way to the ring intro-shrieking her stable tag team…

-* Zack Ryder and Kofi Kingston (w/ Evan Bourne) vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger (w/ Vickie Guerrero). All of these four are doing double duty tonight, having already appeared in the Battle Royal. Cole and Booker begin arguing about whether Zack is legit, and it becomes very annoying. Ryder looks great here, which I am content with. He’s truly become elevated into the midcard over the last few months. The faces are in much control for the start of this bout… and as Swagger tries to drag a dazed Ziggler out of the ring, Kofi launches onto both of them… commercials ensue…

It’s even better when this happens for real in nature.

– We return to the match, with the heels in control. No real explanation is given. Swagger slows things down as the heels single him out in their corner. Kofi manages to reverse Swagger into a mid rope swinging 180 reverse DDT! Then gets the hot tag to the Broski. Near fall for Ryder, who asks the ref, “Are you serious, bro?” HA HA!!! This turns into a sleeper hold on Ryder via Ziggy Ziggler, but is reversed into being flung into a ringpost. Things get chaotic, and Kofi hits a heel spot by sneaking in, lands a Shining Wizard and drags Ryder on top of a fallen Ziggler for the win. I didn’t like this finish. Too tweener… far too tweener.

My five-time removed cousin taught a monkey to play video games once, but this is ridiculous!

– Striker talks to Sheamus backstage. Sheamus tells us about Christian being like some troll he knew back in Ireland who would bite people in the arse who tried to cross his bridge. Until a great white bull came across the bridge and knocked him right off. It sounds stupider written, but not when Sheamus spins a yarn, fella! EVEN MORE CLIP PACKAGES AIR THAT WE SAW TO START THIS SHOW! FUCK!

-* Randall Keith Orton vs. Mark Henry (Put the Audience to Sleep Match). With a mere ten minutes remaining, we can only expect this one ends short, perhaps a result of both the Big Show and Cody Rhodes with run-ins. I’d expect it is Rhodes first, costing Orton a title shot and setting up that program… and Show evening the odds to setup that program… They take things outside, and Henry introduces Orton to his friend, the steel ring post. Henry tosses Orton back into the ring to end the ref count, even though titles can’t change hands on a countout. DUMB. HE’S A HEEL. More rest holds ensue… FFW time, this is boring as hell.

– Cody Rhodes runs in causing the DQ by attacking Orton. The show actually goes into an over-run! Huh. No worries, I always record wrestling to account for that on my DVR. Rhodes grabs a paper bag at ring side… but no! Big Show runs in! Totally predictable, right? He attacks Henry, and then grabs Rhodes from mid air by the throat, and tosses him into a waiting RKO (ok that spot WAS cool). The faces stand tall as… Cole reminds us of their so-called episode record… and….

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

See you next week in Mexico. I expect one hell of a show. This was easily better than RAW.

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
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LarG Productions
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Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.