Wow, I just worked for 15 hours. So naturally, what do I want to do? Watch some Smackdown, you ask. Actually… yes. I do. See it’s “Beat the Clock” matches to determine placement in a TLC match. This is a gimmick I love. This review might be a little more convoluted than normal, however. Let’s hop to it, shall we?

Totally stolen.

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

G’s podcast recommendation! This week: BWF Radio Episode 3 featuring J.T., DrowGoddess, ThinkSoJoE, G, AND… wait for it…. wait for it…. Pintnoir. With each week we grow in power.

– Our show opens with referees and medical officials tending to a fallen Booker T. Then we are shown clips of Cody Rhodes attacking the Bookman from behind as he headed to the announce table. Cole and Matthews try to move the show along, as Rhodes remains present. And we welcome back Lillian Garcia! She is immediately cut off by Cody Rhodes… “I hate to be the purveyor of the truth, but NO ONE cares that you are back…” begins Rhodes. BOO!! I’m glad she’s back. Rhodes wants to know who is going to fill the announcer chair? It’ll be Rhodes himself. Excellent. I’m liking this.

Just for my fellow Beavis and Butthead fans… no other reason…

– * Wade Barrett vs. Ezekiel Jackson. Beat the clock match. Jackson is still employed? Huh, I learned something today. The purpose of this match is to bore the living hell out of us with restholds and brawling to draw out the time on the clock. You know it’s sad but true. We cut to commercials, so instantly add 2 minutes to the current 3:25 or so…

This Beat the Clock match licks. C’mon retard, are you lactose intolerant or something!?!? I shit you not, that is what the host is saying to the contestant featured above. People were less sensitive about stuff like that on television back in the golden age of television. And trust me, I’ve been there. Time travelling, mofo, time travelling…

– Little known fact, John Cena beats the clock by flying in reverse of the orbit of the earth around the sun to turn back time. Meanwhile, Ezekial Jackson does the opposite in matches by burning away time in my life I WILL NEVER GET BACK. BASTARD. We’re at 7 minutes now. Fuck this, FFW time. Barrett, with the pin with a 7:53 minute mark to beat…

– Cut to my current favorite heel, David Otunga’s coffee mug. Love that mug. Otunga notes to Teddy Long that Foley booking him into a match on Smackdown last week was in violation as he is a RAW talent, and the result should be stricken from the record. Long reminds him that as a WWE talent he is under the authority of whoever runs what show he appears on, and promptly books him in a match tonight against Sheamus, playah. Holla! Funny segment. Otunga as a lawyer keeps growing on me. I wish he’d stay out of the ring though. Just let the coffee mug wrestle instead.

Also totally stolen. But I still take full credit.

– Matthews interviews the American Dragon Daniel Bryan in the ring. Glad this is done for the live crowd… Bryan talks about dissapointment of being so close to winning the title, and that he let it slide through his fingers… until Micheal Cole interrupts… Bryan flips out and tells him to shut the hell up and respect him. Cole demands to know why. Bryan holds his own here, and goes to tell tap out Cole! YES!!! BUT NO!! Bryan is sidelined by a flying knee to the head courtesy of Cody Rhodes. Medical staff and referees appear once again, as Bryan (still injured from the World’s Strongest Slam in the cage match), is helped out. Rhodes looks to leave… THAT WAS AWESOME! I loved both of these talking segments.

Granted, it didn’t blow me away as much as this dude… but it was still a great bit of television.

– Cole gamer rages about being attacked, as Josh Matthews notes that Bryan and Rhodes will face each other tonight…

– * Zack Ryder vs. Heath Slater. This one seems pretty predictable. Slater might have the WORST worked punches in the business today. Turrible. But for some reason the guy is given some offense. Ryder Broskies up, lands a Rough Ryder, and makes short work of the One Man Job Band. Too bad that wasn’t a beat the clock match.

Just ask Jimmy Snuka.

– * Ted DiBiase vs. Jinder Mahal (from Calgary, Alberta, Canada). Mahal cuts a screen-within-a-screen promo and for those not fluent in the tongue of my hometown, I’ll translate what he said. “The Calgary Flames are terrible this season, and it’s time to shake things up. Trade Iginla, and rebuild. Get rid of the other Sutter.” And unless you follow the NHL, that made as much sense as Mahal’s Punjab rant as it did to me. I don’t understand why this isn’t a beat the clock match. Is this being continued next week? Dibiase more or less jobs out Mahal in two minutes.

Charles Barkley @G: “A-roo?”

G @Charles Barkley: “Wrong Barkley… Fraggles rule… wait, the dog has a fucking Twitter? And that dog was a rip-off of Sprocket from The Fraggles?”

– Cut to Big Show clips from the Country Awards show, or some crap like that. The Weapon of Mass Destruction makes his way down to the ring afterwards to address the Chair Match against Mark Henry at the TLC PPV as we go to break.

– We come back and the two cut a typically great promo here. Both question each other’s health and ability. As things get heated, Henry says he wants to say something to Show’s face, but demands if he enters the ring that Show will not touch him. Show fantastically emotes a deep breath and agrees. Henry notes that they both have something in common. They are both two of the best big men to have ever grace the ring and are former champions. Henry shows signs of mutual respect and his oncoming face turn. “We are going to have a fight that people are going to talk about for decades,” notes Henry, “Let’s let bygones be bygones…” placing the title down in the ring, “…and let the best man win,” extending his hand in respect. Show shows hesitation. Handshake! BOO says the crowd… “Oh yeah, you think you’re a monster… I can see it in your eyes,” says Henry. “But you just think it, I know I am,” he continues and then CLOCKS SHOW WITH A CHEAP SHOT!!! STRAIGHT OUT OF MMA AND BOXING!! Show recovers, shoves Henry outside and takes a chair to Henry’s injured knee! I know I am going to hate this PPV match, but Dog Gamn, I love this build!!!

Swerve into a swerve. Well played Mark Henry.

– Special ring announcer! Hornswoggle, who we are reminded can now speak… AND HE DOES. He’s obviously pretty stoked to be allowed to talk on the show once again. Hey, it’s different. And therefore it was fun to watch. This leads us to…

– * Sheamus vs. David Otunga. Of course, the reason Hornswoggle speaks now, is that he beat Sheamus in the “All I Want For Christmas” Battle Royale (with cheese). THIS IS ALSO NOT A BEAT THE CLOCK MATCH!?!?!? WHAT IN THE FUCK?!?!? We’re told on commentary that only Orton and Ziggler are eligible in this gimmick. Weak. Otunga gets some offensive moves in, but clearly the coffee cup could do better. Sheamus hits a Brogue Kick and this debacle is over.

YOU FUCKED UP!!! YOU FUCKED UP!!! YOU FUCKED UP!!!

– * Daniel Bryan vs. Cody Rhodes. This is a smark’s match. This is a match of psychology. I will not slap a star-rating on this bout, no fine reader. What we get is Rhodes back to his slow and methodical heeltastic self working upon Daniels injured ribs, and Daniels still finding the right spots to take ridiculous risks to try and win anyways. Even when effective, Bryan sells his injury throughout. Ring count outs are effectively used. Booker T’s music hits, allowing him to pass through the magical invisible force field to make a run-in! He chases away Rhodes to end the match. I like a non-finish here. It builds Rhodes program with Booker, as well, opens another door to a Bryan program possibility.

Charles Barkley @G: “RAWR!!!”

G @Charles Barkley: “Did you hack Barks’ account? Meh, they’re Cena fans. Eat up, lil’ doggie? Probably tastes like Little Jimmy. Wait, that didn’t sound right…”

– Teddy Long is talking to playahs on his cell phone, and then the sexually charged Aksana appears. Fuck that. Rhodes is mad, and he cock-blocks (Holla!). Teddy books Booker against Rhodes for the I.C. title, and then Aksana looks interested in Rhodes, potentially setting up a “hook-up” angle to completely ruin something I WANT TO WATCH ON TELEVISION. Fuck you WWE, don’t even consider this bastardized ignorant slut character (that is 20+ years too late as an ethnic stereotype of Soviet-controlled Germany, and she’s from Lithuania, writer-monkeys) latching onto Cody Rhodes in any capacity. Don’t ruin a good thing… I am still missing the mask, dammit.

My sentiments exactly.

* Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler. Beat the Clock match. BTW, they totally let my sleepy-ass down tonight. The show was fun, sure. But this gimmick is one of my favorites, and only having two beat the clock matches feels like a big “Fuck You G.” Not cool. I will not purchase your PPV. LOL, who am I kidding I never pay for your shit, I always have a hook up to steal it.

Chuck D told me to fight the powers that be. I listened, learned, and took action. I beat the clock so bad, I gilded it in gold, put it on a chain, wore it around my neck, and became the best pitch-man of all time…. all time…

– Even Flav can do Randy Boreton’s entrance pose better:

YEP!

– Oh wait… let’s start this again, I’m ridiculously tired at this point…

– * Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler. Beat the Clock match. There is about 10 minutes to go, so this one will come down to the wire. Brain fried, just watching now… Orton goes to put away Dolph quick and early, making constant looks to the remaining time (why wouldn’t people ALWAYS try and put away people early?). Ziggler’s turn around is focused on wearing Orton out with sleeper holds. Normally this would suck, but with a running clock it comes across strong. Later, Orton lands a top rop suplex at the 2:35 mark, BUT NO! Another near fall at the two minute mark, smark! Ziggler runs down the clock by running away, but Orton snags him for a suspended DDT from the middle rope! Thank god for Wade Barrett, who runs in and boots Orton outside the ring at the 30 second mark. A sloppy RKO at the 8 second mark allows Orton to win. FUCK THAT. Barrett grabs a microphone and congratulates Orton since now as the winner he gets to choose the stipulation against Barrett at TLC. Barrett suggests his recommendation, clearing props and setting up a table. No one goes through it though, because Orton is over. And by over, I mean boring as fuck. Barrett escapes, and Orton eyes a laid out Ziggler nearby. Orton puts Ziggler through the table instead because the WWE is intent on making and building new stars.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out… you know you love this J.T.

———————————————————-

This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

———————————————————–

A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

BTW, Actually
These reviews started off in a place called Project Wonderboy, a site that shares the name with it’s original founder, “whatever.” But this incarnation was under the Morphine Nation banner. That site is now evolved with all it’s original members at BTW, Actually. This place is all about challenging censorship and political correctness in an intelligent way.

———————————————————-

Shameless Plugs!

———————————————————–

The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, Glasenator, Jonkind and/or Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.