Oh man… so stoked… The Royal Rumble is this Sunday, and tonight’s Smackdown is the last show before the best event of the year. Let’s just skip the crap, and see what the WWE has in store to build on their final show towards this magnificent event, shall we?

One more thing… 1993, January 27… we lost one of the most notable professional wrestlers of all time. I’m going to grab a cold one in his honour, and hope you do too…

RIP Andre.

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– The show starts with Big Show coming out and talking about possibly retiring after the Triple Threat match at the Royal Rumble due to his accident running over AJ. Bryan comes out and calls BS, says he grew up watching the WWE as a place for athletes, not genetic freaks… and that Show is no Andre the Giant… Bryan slaps Show, who tosses him to the ground. Then Mark Henry comes out calls Show a crybaby and Daniel one with Napoleon complex. Cue Thuggin’ and Buggin’ Teddy Long who makes a bunch of matches. My computer crashed multiple times during this awesome segement.

Peter Parker has spoken.

– * Non-Title Match: Cody Rhodes {C} vs. Justin Gabriel. Why a non-title match? Shouldn’t it always be on the line? I say this all the time, sorry. Just a pet peeve. Gabriel lands a modified Code Breaker into a flip on Rhodes that looks very cool. The man with the best Shining Wizard in the WWE (IMO), lands two splashes on Rhodes, but a missed third attempt allows Rhodes to land his own modified jump kick off the middle of the top rope, Cross Rhodes finisher, pin and the win.

Charles Barkley @G: “This show is fixed… what a scam”

G @Charles Barkley: “Hmm. Speaking of scams, BWF’s J.T. wanted me to ask about about your comments concerning Weight Watchers last week. It’s a scam?”

– Santino and Yoshi Tatsu are tagging now, and argue of their potential name with Teddy Long… enter the often fired, never really though, Drew McIntyre enters… Babe Ruth metaphors, etc. McIntyre “has to knock one out of the park tonight” to keep his job for the 349,073,275,290,375,690 time.

My favorite is Larry. But regardless, I’m bringing the whole posse with me. You’ve been warned. Also, I don’t care that one of them is gay. That is irrelevant.

Charles Barkley @G: “I meant that it works, for me. As long as the dollar bills keep rolling in…”

G @Charles Barkley: “So it works? Long term?”

– * Drew McIntyre vs. Sheamus. This doesn’t look well for the former “Chosen One.” McIntyre and the Great White exchange blows… McIntyre desparately attempts numerous pins, which is great psychology for the story! Too bad it’s not enough as the Highlander eats Irish Stew via a Brogue Kick. Sheamus wins. McIntyre is fired again.

Ahh… she think’s she’s AJ…

– * Non-Title Match: Epico & Primo {C} vs. Yoshi Tatsu & Santino Marella. You already know what I’m going to say about the titles. I guess I should be more forgiving as the tag division is at least getting some growth. Rosa cuts a promo in a mini box, old school style… but in what I assume is Spanish. Not being fluent, it might as well have been Martian. Good people, those Martians, especially that Marvin guy. Cole rips on Rosa for this as well. Whatever… Santino is AWESOME in this bout, and Tatsu holds his own. The Colons come off strong, and I have no complaints. Since Lagana has become quiet having signed on to work with TNA’s Ra Ka King promotion in India… I’m bringing Sexy Back… #IWantTAGTEAMWrestling

Charles Barkley @G: “You keep your nose out of my business honkey. I’ve thrown enough elbows under the boards, you’ll just be another number.”

G @Charles Barkley: “Shit, sorry Chuck. Hopefully this helps your tee-off…”

– Your American Dragon (The Canadian Dragon is actually Steve Corino) and whispers poison in Mark Henry’s ear about hurting Big Show as he will be the bigger threat in the PPV match on Sunday. Total Grima Wormtongue move, if you ask me. Awesome heel Bryan move as well.

GWT666 @G: “Shh… listen… you need to express your sentiments and show yourself as strong by presenting me as a face.”

G @GWT666: “Hmm…”

– * Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett. Grima Wormtongue is a really classy guy. Barrett comes out and runs down Orton on the microphone. That’s right, the man who emits stoic boredom to me, is back. No surprise entrance at the Royal Rumble!! I think Grima Wormtongue should be considered a pure genius. I’m guessing he might enter at number 27, and the announcers can talk about the St. Louis hometown boy getting a lucky number. He won’t win though… you’ll need to tune into BWF Radio this Sunday to find out my pick…Hold on, I’ve got an urgent incoming call from my consolatory, Mr. Wormtongue. Orton is seen walking from the parking lot down to the ring for about an hour. Orton goes to attack Wade Barrett outside the ring!! My role-model and decision maker, Mr. Wormtongue, is your new god. For whatever reason, Teddy Long sends out the NXT D-Listers down to help restrain Orton? WTF? This allows Barrett to escape, so Orton RKO’s Tyler Reks, Curt Hawkings, Trent Baretta, and the Usos. I guess Orton is back to being HHH v.2 a la 2002 – 2006?

Lasers are my current favorite meme. Simply based on the fact that lasers are just plain fucking awesome, unless you are equipped with them as weapons on the 1980’s G.I. Joe cartoon.

– Why was Kaitlyn on Smackdown tonight? Well, she is apparently AJ’s best friend, according to Daniel Bryan, who Wormtongue’s (best adjective ever, I’m told) her into telling the Big Show that Mark Henry is planning on trying to injure Big Show tonight. I bronze my marionette strings onto a belt and call it Daniel Bryan Heel Turn Championship.

– * Ted DiBiase vs. Hunico. DiBiase is working with a broken wrist in a wrap. I’m sure his former Legacy leader, Randy Orton, told him it was a great gimmick for his Dad… but Teddy must have missed the point that he used a cast, not tensor wraps. This is a short match, and Hunico wins. Then the Comacho guy joins him and they beat down DiBiase post match. They isolate and work his broken wrist.

– Aksana and Teddy are interrupted Calgary’s own, Natalya. It ends up in a booked match. Since Beth Phoenix is relegated to Superstars because of soap opera fun with her relationship with CM Punk (according to the dirt sheets and a mildly vague tweet from Punk), I suppose I can’t complain. Actually, yes I can. She’s fucking wrestling fucking Aksana. Miss “Let Me Entertainment You.” Fuck.

Pretty much my take on much of prowrestling… and likely some dude named ZaH from a long long ago time.

– * Brodus Clay vs. Alex Riley. Just prior the match, Randy Orton mocks Brodus stating, “You only get to squash ONE jobber? I just took out five of them… glass ceiling M&M Peanut!” Wow, what a dick move by Orton! I swear that part happened, in my mind. It was the best part of the show!! Ok, Brodus gets his usual entrance with the Funkette’s announcing him once again. I am still not even remotely sick of this. His entrance is tweaked again to include new moves, which is likely part of it. A-Ry actually starts dancing too, in the background!! HA HA HAHAHAHHA! Nice. Riley does a little respect thing with Brodus, which is great… then Brodus “My Bad’s” him by leaving a bro hanging for a fiver, with a slam, splash and a quick pin.

Reason number 2,747 why I hate buses. I hate taxis more… assholes are the worst for distracted driving trying to get a fare. Yes, I realize this has nothing to do with wrestling. I have nothing against the concept of efficient public transportation. I loved Vancouver’s set up when I lived there. But in Calgary, it’s the Middle Ages equivalent of public transportation, and the dick moves the opporators of said vehicles do. They called our most notorious wrestling school the Dungeon for a reason…

– I would imagine something was screwed up on the show. We are reshown pretty much the entire match between Kane and Ryder from RAW. Broken back via going through the stage, etc. Since Ryder was used as an accessory, like a toy poodle, to Cena’s abysmal program with Kane… well… FFW.

I think the lesson here is actually to NEVER sit beside that guy.

– Break taken… go get laundry (totally violated the apartment building’s hours, I have a trick. MWUH HA HA!!! (Spoiler Alert, tune in to Wonderpod Episode #96 next Friday for the return of “Evil G”).

– * Aksana vs. Natalya. I just realized Aksana’s entrance theme is a remix of Val Venis’ entrance. Sans, “Hello Ladies!” and the rest. But because the WWE can go to hell, and die. Aksana gets an immediate schoolboy reversal, pin and win. Fuck you WWE. Natalya goes to submit her post match, but Tamina interferes and lands her poppa’s frog splash to end the segment. Booker T calls Tamina the Warrior Princess. Wasn’t that Beth Phoenix’s one time title? Or something very similar? Either way, neither are Lucy Lawless portraying Xena, so fuck all of this.

Facial expressions are over-rated… Actually, no. Way to be stoic, Mr. Future Endeavored.

– * Mark Henry vs. The Big Show. Great hype… terrible delivery. I expect this to be like watching two cement trucks fill up, then leave for work early on a Monday morning. Boring. As. Fuck.

I want one of these in every room. All it needs is a DVR so I can FFW through all the bullshit.

– Daniel Bryan made his way to ring side to observe and manipulate. Bryan attacks a prone Show outside the ring with a steel chair as the referee looks helplessly on. He nails him like 90 times. Then, rolls into the ring and locks a Labelle Lock on Show while Henry is off getting popcorn from the vendors, I guess. The latter part of this was good for building the Royal Rumble. I don’t care that this final segment was kind of weak, the Rumble will make up for everything.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

BTW, Actually
These reviews started off in a place called Project Wonderboy, a site that shares the name with it’s original founder, “whatever.” But this incarnation was under the Morphine Nation banner. That site is now evolved with all it’s original members at BTW, Actually. This place is all about challenging censorship and political correctness in an intelligent way.

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, Glasenator, Jonkind and/or Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.