Let’s skip the intro crap, and we begin with clips of the Big Show/Orton match from RAW. Orton was concussed and is being pulled from this Sunday’s Elimination Chamber match up. So our go home Smackdown will serve to find his replacement in a Battle Royal. Teddy Long confirms the stoic faced Orton kayfabe, but it’s all legit too. So sell me on the PPV WWE, I wouldn’t have shilled out the money for Orton anyways. BTW, if you somehow didn’t hear the announcement WWE made themselves on their own website, I’ll save the spoiler for after the jump as I run down this episode of Smackdown…

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– *Mediocre Khali and Big Show vs Wade Barrett and Cody Rhodes. God help me… I’m rooting for the heels. Khali gingerly makes his way to the ring, and I still have trouble watching the guy’s gait. The story here is Barrett exudes confidence facing Khali while Rhodes is very reluctant and cowardly. Khali works a while, then hot tag to Show who dissects the heels, chokeslam, pin and win. Post match, Show lands his WMD punch on Khali.

So what to watch on Sunday? Elimination Chamber? The Simpsons/Family Guy/The Walking Dead? Hmm… I can steal all of them online, but only one costs $55 to pay for… so…

– Backstage, Teddy Long is speaking to his imaginary friend about Orton being concussed. Mark Henry enters, pleading his case to be Orton’s replacement, and now Long NEEDS him. Big Show enters demanding something, Mark Henry tells him not to interrupt, so Big Show lands ANOTHER WMD punch and knocks Henry the fuck out (he’s still injured folks)… then Show flips out on Long and destroys his office.

– *Hunico vs Ted Dibiase. This feud continues, I guess. Talk about miring in the midcard! Comacho was officially added to the webpage roster this week, so I guess we can expect more of this. Hunico continues to speak is a mash up of English and Spanish. I speak neither language, but understood him saying something about taking back something from Dibiase. I’ll give them this, in the ring the match is fairly good. It’s a shame both men’s respect gimmicks and this storyline is flat out terrible. Comacho interferes allowing Hunico to roll up Dibiase in a schoolboy for the win.

Charles Barkley @G: “I’ve decided that if Shaq becomes a wrestler at Mania this year to face the Big Show, I’m taking up a career as a Wedding DJ…”

G @Charles Barkley: “We’ll see what comes out of this. It doesn’t necessarily have to happen this year, since the draw will be Rock/Cena and Punk/Jericho… the dirt sheets are claiming the WWE had that planned only if the WWE Network launched on April 1st.”

– *Epico and Primo vs The Usos. Really? On the go home Smackdown? They must really want me to not order the PPV. Was Superstars full of Cena, Rock, Undertaker, and HHH/HBK videos this week. Come to think of it, that would fill an hour… hmm… Anyways, this match was pretty fun to watch. And for those missing the tag division in the WWE (or TNA for that matter), it’s a nice taste of coordinated movesets, appearances and psychology. Nothing to write home (or here) about. Epico and Primo pick up the win with a little help from Mendez.

No cameras, thank you.

– Meanwhile, I caught a case of Vampirism in Skyrim last night, so I read up on what that means to my character. I don’t like the booking, so plan on curing this immediately. I don’t know how this is relevant to wrestling, but since I don’t know how the last two matches are relevant to Sunday’s PPV, I guess we’re even.

– Bryan rocks the microphone first, reminding us of his attack on Big Show on RAW with a belt shot to Show’s head. Bryan garners MASSIVE heat from the crowd here, and he reinforces it by getting on his soapbox about being a Vegan and considered not capable of being a champion. He’ll prove everyone wrong on Sunday again. Bryan is supposed to face Orton tonight, but that won’t happen due to the concussion. Bryan demands they announce him as the winner due to forfeit… Lillian announces it, and Bryan heeltastically begins celebrating like he just won the title for the first time….

Disturbing? Possibly…

– Holla holla, hold on their player! Take a wild guess what Long does? He books Sheamus as Orton’s replacement…

– *Daniel Bryan vs Sheamus. So, does this solidify Bryan is losing the title on Sunday? I mean, why give away a match between these two that potentially would take place at WrestleMania? Who in the chamber is conceivably going to carry the title if not Bryan? Your answer is Wade Barrett. But I’m sure we’ll get into all of this (and likely some rants), Elimination Chamber predictions, and the week that was in professional wrestling on BWF Radio episode 12 (available on Sunday afternoon). I plan on extending my own streak, and hope we can get a good turnout from the BWF crew…

While not perfectly historically accurate, this is pretty clever.

– Anyways, back to the Great White Celtic Warrior versus American Vegan. Sheamus dominates to start, making he-of-the-decent-spraytan-unlike-Miz his whipping boy. After much disrespect to the champion, Bryan grabs his belt and says fuck this noise… beginning to head out to the back. BUT NO!!! Sheamus will have none of it, and re-instigates the action. Bryan turns things around with a series a kicks, some dropped, others standing… after some nefarious stuff by Bryan, Sheamus completely loses his cool and tosses a referee aside forcing a DQ. Bryan wins.

A new meaning to I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!

– *Jinder Mahal vs Ezekeil Jackson. Why? Seriously. I do not care about this at all. Same criticisms of Mahal. Jackson is also a bottom feeder. THIS DOES NOT BUILD MY INTEREST IN THE PPV. Mahal locks on the Camel Clutch on Mahal, but fails to break his back, fuck him in the ass, and make him humble… so Mahal turns it into a Sleeper Hold, and tries again! Big Zeke taps, Mahal wins.

Speaking of camera shots of the audience, this is the best Kiss Camera cameo ever.

– *Tamina Snuka and Alica fox vs Beth Phoenix and Natalya. At least might play up a likely Tamina/Beth title match at the PPV. So it’s slightly relevant. Natalya starts with Fox, and is almost all giggles and smiles, as she dominates Fox. Oh fuck, then the do “it.” Natalya locks on the sharpshooter on Fox, makes a facial expression alluding to the idea she shat herself, the referee sells the fart. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. Tamina interferes, takes out Natalya for the win! Tamina goes to land her Daddy’s splash on Phoenix post match… nope. At least they kept them apart mostly to build up the PPV bout.

– Cut to Lauranitus enters to talk with Long and is petitioning to get Otunga into the Battle Royal. OTUNGA’S COFFEE MUG DOES NOT MATCH HIS OUTFIT. His streak is over.

– Clip package of the absolute worst storyline of 2012 thus far on any promotion… the Embrace the Hate featuring Kane’s double mask, Cena’s selfishness, Eve’s terrible acting and the prop known as Zack Ryder. And the kicker is, that Kane said Cena embraced the hate on Monday, and his goal was done… so WHY are we having the match on Sunday? The payoff was that part. THIS. IS. STUPID. There should be some kind of discount on the PPV to have to sit through this one… ugh. FFW!! DO IT NOW!! What, you can’t travel to the future?

As Ralphie from the Simpsons would say, “It tastes like burning!”

– *Battle Royal. The winner will replace Orton in the Elimination chamber. Ok, we’ve seen a number of these this year… and I won’t like. I LOVE Battle Royals. While the Royal Rumble was a bit anti-climatic this year, it was fun. So the question is, do we get a legit finish that pleases the IWC fan base… or….

…OR… do we get a finish for the kiddies like with Hornswoggle’s win on the Smackdown Christmas Special in the “All I Want for Christmas Battle Royale?”

– Only one way to find out, folks. And our entrants are out… Imagine every guy you forgot was on the roster that wouldn’t go to Abu Dabi (i.e. Superstars and NXT talent), and that guy is in it. Even Otunga, who is escorted by Johnny Ace himself. It’s a clustershmozz, but you already knew that. Percy Watson gets eliminated. Who? Exactly. Drew McIntyre has a good showing here, but he won’t win. Dibiase is dangling from the outside, pulls the ropes as actually-still-employed Darren Young. They dangle beside each other until Dibiase lands a neat looking kick on him mid-dangle, and eliminating Young and saving himself. Nice creative spot. I’m pulling for Micheal McGullicutty… oh, wait he’s gone.

And again, about things on camera, this one was not necessary. Do you think Alex Trebek would sink this low? HELL NO!

– In the second half, the mini stories worth noting is Hunico and Dibiase, Primo eliminating Epico, Santino and Otunga… The Man with the Best Shining Wizard in the WWE Justin Gabriel’s interesting elimination of Primo. Our final four are Santino, McIntyre, Ezekial Jackson, and Otunga. McIntyre dominates all four, but his ego is his downfall. Down to two as the crowd is totally behind Santino over Otunga. The Cobra has been out for a while now. Santino “Hulks Up” in entertaining fashion, and no-sells Otunga’s lawyer powers. SANTINO WINS! He does all his celebratory stuff post match, including snow angels.

– Yes, you read that right. Having watched it, and thought about this since Wednesday when WWE.com revealed it… well, good on him. The guy has bumped his ass off for us, and entertained us for a long time now. And you know what? This is a guy who deserves a mainevent pay day. If they actually put the belt on him (which I doubt), he’s the perfect guy for Bryan to squash in a rematch clause match. Let’s hope they don’t do that, though. That would kill any credibility the belt has left.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

BTW, Actually
These reviews started off in a place called Project Wonderboy, a site that shares the name with it’s original founder, “whatever.” But this incarnation was under the Morphine Nation banner. That site is now evolved with all it’s original members at BTW, Actually. This place is all about challenging censorship and political correctness in an intelligent way.

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, Glasenator, Jonkind and/or Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.