Smackdown will save my week. It has too. I wasn’t thrilled about RAW nor Impact Wrestling (haven’t caught up on ROH yet). Obi-Wan will show up. It has to happen. I’ll complain about that stuff on BWF Radio #16 this Sunday. Until that time, let’s hit up Smackdown, shall we? Giver!

Happy 3/16 Day! One for the marks!

“You sit there, and you thump your Bible, and you say your prayers, and it didn’t get you anywhere… Talk about your Psalms, talk about your John 3:16 … Austin 3:16 says I just whooped your ass!”

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

Quick Shill: A fellow wrestling buddy of mine is promoting a HUGE music event, MTT Fest on March 24-25, 2012 in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. If you know anybody who lives in or near the Calgary area (or yourself), I highly suggest you check out this two day music festival featuring the likes of dean & britta (galaxie 500) sonic boom (spacemen 3) damo suzuki, to name just a few. Ticket information here. “Let the cosmic journey begin.”

And onto the show….

– We kick off the show with…. CHRISTIAN! And it’s time for The Peep Show! Christian gets a big return pop, of course. And he’s here to talk about the GM Team Battle at WrestleMania. “Captain Charisma”‘s guests are John “Mr. Excitement” Laurinaitus w/ David Otunga, and Teddy Long w/ Aksana. Christian decides to put his personal opinions aside and asks both GM’s to attempt to convince him to join their team. Long rolls his eyes, telecasting what we knew all along… Team Excitement is clearly going to be all heels. Christian scoffs at Long and tells him he isn’t getting what he deserves…. One… more… match, and runs down Columbus. John promises Christian if he joins up, he’ll get that title shot. Christian officially joins Team Laurinaitus. HOLLA HOLLA! Long wants to book Christian in a match, but he is unable to book him in a match due to injury, David Otunga gets to face the newest member of Team Teddy, RIGHT NOW….

Back when I could still “pull-off” the Impact Reviews on Thursday (THANK YOU, PINTNOIR, CLAP CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP), this would have been the perfect shoutout image to PatMan of Wonderpod. Don’t let his wife know, though. We’ll all get in trouble.

– * David Otunga vs. Kofi Kingston. Otunga is not even in his ring gear, it’s time for sweater vest action? Well, not so much. Otunga does remove the top, but remains in his dress pants. Kofi is flying all over the place, making Otunga look like a million bucks. But the story of this match is complete distractions. First you have both GMs join commentary (so five at the table) with Aksana and Christian standing beside them, plus Santino at ringside. Then Otunga’s pants rip right down his ass crack… Christian tries to interfere, gets tossed, meanwhile Otunga attacks Santino with his dress belt, who tries to take it…. [breathes] Santino takes the belt, the distraction allows Kofi to land the finish and win. Talk about overbooking…

– Meanwhile, backstage… Daniel Bryan is waiting backstage by at the Diva’s locker-room and AJ wants to show him her new dress, which he tells her it looked better on the mannequin. Bryan wants her to look like Miss Elizabeth or Stephanie back in the day after she wins tonight to become next in line for the Butterfly belt.

By the time I get this post up, I can honestly say, “Happy St. Patrick’s Day!”

– * Brie Bella vs. AJ. Ugghhh…. I guess they are trying to get over on Twitter with hash tag “Double Trouble.” They must have forgotten to add “Running The Ropes” at the end of their plea for attention. After AJ comes out, Daniel Bryan comes down celebrating like he just one the title and shouts like an overbearing Hockey Dad telling her what to do. This continues throughout the “match.” I’ll give AJ some credit, she looks better than she has (some improvement), landing only semi-awkward drop kicks, and a cross body from the top ropes. Bryan is AWESOME in his role. AJ wins, and Bryan is flipping out over it and presenting himself as if he won that match too. What a great heel role. Somehow, he completely saved this segment. Watch this. I can’t believe I am saying that, but do yourself a favor if you are enjoying what he has been doing over the last while.

Charles Barkley @G: “Can’t watch Smackdown this week, G. I’ve been sealed in some impenetrable plastic containment unit with a coyote! A COYOTE! “

G @Charles Barkley: “While you’re up in space, see if you can locate Survivor Naut G of Wonderpod, will you?”

– Next up is that cliche filled god awful clips from the Rap off versus the Rock Concert on RAW… Actually, Cena’s bit was way more fresh. The Rock’s was… umm… awkward and sad. Clearly, Cena won this week. Disagree? Share your opinion below. We’ll be talking about this on BWF Radio 16 this Sunday, I assure you. Who won? Is the Rock phoning it in? WTF?

For no reason.

– Matt Striker interviews Cody Rhodes about his feud with Big Show. Cody notes that 364 days out of the year, Big Show is a dominant threat, but every year at WrestleMania he’s a choke artist. If you want to see how he’ll destroy a giant, just watch next. The obvious counter point here (at least to me), is that it’s a leap year. Think about it. In all fairness since this match seems so obviously predictable that Show WILL win… they’ll swerve us and Rhodes will defeat him as well. And Rhodes could use the win to get that much further over as a character. I kind of want to see Cody win just for the sake of this promotion’s future. Why am I ranting so much about this, you ask? When you see who his opponent is, you’ll understand.

Some people might assume that this resembles a little carrot hugging a bigger carrot… but they’d be wrong.  Actually, the carrot is not hugging anyone.  In fact, the carrot is about to deliver a Razor’s Edge (or Celtic Cross) on the other carrot.

– * Cody Rhodes vs. The Mediocre Khali… for fuck’s sakes. They find shots of kids in the crowd doing the Khali arm raise entrance spot…. and I feel bad for a minute for all the shit I throw at Khali. Every generation should have their “Andre the Giant.” Too bad these kids got this guy. Khali throws some punches here and there, but Cody gets the big man off his feet and works submissions on him for a while… then Cody attempts… ahh fuck it, punches Punches. PUNCHES. Rhodes starts to work the lower body, then hits his “Disaster Kick” (modified Shining Wizard hop of the ropes spot), and gets the win.

Skycraft? Minerim? Something like that…

– And if things couldn’t get any worse, Randy “Sandman 2000” Orton, is headed to the ring to talk. That is not as obscure as it sounds a nickname. Anyone dubbed “The New” or “Second coming of” or “2000” in wrestling is doomed for eminent failure in professional wrestling (yes, including the New Age Outlaws, but it took them much longer). Secondly, who is that guy who comes around as you fall into slumber? THIS IS NOT AN ECW REFERENCE!

– Well the crowd is over for Orton, and we’ll have to disagree on this one. Just like Gary Bettman and I will have to disagree that Columbus deserves and NHL franchise (let alone Phoenix, albeit the team is good). Loved the “Randy” “RKO” “KONY” sign tandem:

– Then Randy takes the microphone and tells us he normally doesn’t talk about his problems, he just hunts that person down. NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR PROGRAM WITH KANE AT WRESTLEMANIA. #ALCREED. Fuck this shit. Orton embraces hate, etc. Blah blah blah blah… I go get another beer. Orton calls out Kane. I call out my pillow. Kane comes out and reminds us of last Summer about a Street Fight between the two. Kane ate an RKO upon a steel chair. Post match, they had a handshake… July 22nd, 2011, we’re told. Kane’s all pissed off at what the writer’s scoured through the archive to attempt to logically build this feud. Kane hates that he was kind of a good guy…. this program is as retarded as they come. Blah blah blah, biggest stage possible, blah blah WM28….

^ Promptly began farting on fellow cellmates to attempt to get over. Verdict? Failure. The Anvil is in deeper trouble for missing a court date this week. I’d much rather watch this on Court TV than this Orton/Kane program.

– * Big Show vs. Drew McIntyre. Even though Drew has been fired 129034901785409315701375401739051390564901365013675893741723450917345901735919035719037590173590173513095781035913905791035701957903 times, he got rehired by Johnny Ace last week. So, if Teddy is back in charge, shouldn’t he just discharge the guy? DUMB. Anyways, this match looks like a winner. Long HOLLA’S at him explaining that Drew signed a one year contract with John last week, so he goes to the flow chart and makes this match. Fuck this… FFW. I guess like I mentioned every generation needs a _________. And the __________ here is a “Brooklyn Brawler.” But that is an unfair dis on the Brawler, right? But since March 17th is not about Scotland, rather Ireland, take a guess who takes a Weapon of Mass Destruction in under a minute? Show wins. Green food colouring takes over all consumable food items.

By the time I get this post up, I can honestly say, “Happy St. Patrick’s Day!”

– * Mark Henry vs. Yoshi Tatsu. I guess they brought back the Job Squad this week. Tatsu doesn’t belong here, if Sesame Street taught me anything. Another squash, this time by Henry. Meh.

– Z! True Long Island Story gets some time on TV now that WWE has their talons sunk into the rights to the show. Ryder is launching a social media gathering to get himself on Team Teddy next week in Philly. Seeing how few members have been announced on that side, and that it’s also Team Face, bank on it.

I don’t know about you, but I would have rather taken the whole damn day off and watched the NCAA March Madness event. Me and Evan Bourne would’ve smoked up some synthetic week to make sure we got the time off. The Evan would tell me a story about a botched call by the referee in a one-on-one tournament he once played in.

– * Sheamus vs. Chris Jericho. Main event time? There’s a half hour left in the show… hmm… this might be a winner, folks.

– Jericho gets on the microphone and wants to address the comments he made about Punk’s alcoholic father on RAW. He got a bunch of negative feedback from internet folks, and will not apologize. He plays up the DNA element and that Punk is hiding from his truth. “I know him better, than he knows himself… oh yes I do. I know he stayed up late as a child crying…” etc. Great promo, but do we NEED this for this match. WILL this put this match over the HHH/Taker or Cena/Rock match at WM? Nope. A shame, this was great, but could have been saved for a rematch. This should be about the belt, and who is the “greatest.” It’s actually a great heel promo (go watch it). My only criticism is that it doesn’t feel necessary. Jericho invented Canada, afterall.

Well done.  Let’s go grab a cold one? Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!

– * Sheamus vs. Chris Jericho, for real? Mayhaps… perchance…. This looks like an actual winner, as the two trade spots. Sheamus naturally shows children how to count at home, which means we’re in for a long good bout if it happens against a Jericho at the three minute mark, smark. Jericho manages to reverse, and Sheamus spills his drink to the outside (you drink, you drive, you spill) as the referee counts to ten. Daniel Bryan w/ AJ saunter out as we cut to a commercial break…

Happy April Fool’s Day! Oh wait, he got that wrong too. Maybe he is so absorbed with MMA thinking about the UFC event on the 21st, he got his dates mixed?

– Jericho is wearing down the Great White, as we return. But it’s not boring. Why? Because Jericho might leave once in a while, but remembers how to deliver…. cough…. cough…. Once again, spots are traded, as Sheamus gets moments of recovery, while the Ring General carries the load. With Bryan’s “Dead Lights” stare and AJ’s meek accompaniment, we see a development in the so-far lackluster Heavyweight title match seem meaningful. Good. About FUCKING time. Funny that the silence gimmick is working better for Bryan here than it did for Jericho. No explanation needed, as opposed to the botched video-segments poorly addressed. Bryan snickers as Sheamus cannot solve Jericho. Smug. Smug is the word for it. CELTIC CROSS REVERSED INTO THE WALLS OF JERICHO! Sheamus grabs the ropes! NO! Another attempt by the palest wrestler in the WWE, but NO! To the outside! All of this backfires as Jericho manages to launch Sheamus into the announce table, and Bryan cheap shots him with referee distraction. HEELTASTIC! Referee countout, and Jericho wins!! Bryan leaves with a shit-eating grin… and….

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Two Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, Glasenator, Jonkind and/or Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.