Are you ready for some TNA insanity? Lord knows I’m not, but I never am. Recently we saw a long built storyline around reviving the Main Event Mafia shattered by the WWE resigning both Booker T and Kevin Nash… as a result the second coming of “they” was swerved to be Fortune, plus Scott Steiner, Crimson and Kurt Angle. It’s a good thing they employ Vince Russo, eh? Alright, onto the suffering folks!
- Before we get to the show, I wanted to include this screen capture… I had an awesome back and forth with a buddy on facebook last week, ending with me wishing my Green Bay Packers life long fan a happy Sunday (which he got). The person at the end was clearly oblivious to what this meant, even though we’ve both worked with Matt for years who wears his Packers jersey and hat religiously.
Sometimes people get the point, and other times they completely miss it and decide to post a comment anyways. It’s kind of sad. Matt-tastic knows the score… He’s a good friend for that… I’d submit this to failbook, but don’t have the patience. Sorry it’s kind of blurry… I’m exploiting free services since I don’t get paid for my suffering…
- ON TO THE SHOW!!!
- Tonight’s show is called “Don’t Be Roode”
- And Immortal is out to address the face turn by Fortune….Jarrett, Karen Angle Jarrett, Bischoff, Jeff Hardy, Some Internet Guy, Rob “Natural Physique” Terry, Gunner and his pal are all out! Bischoff notes Flair still hasn’t phoned him and proceeds to attempt to bury Fortune. He runs down the members of Fortune one by one, but makes the following comment about Roode (that might be somehow related to the title of our show, no?):
“And then Robert Roode…. another example of a Canadian devoid of any charisma, who will never be a star in this lifetime or anybody else’s.”
Typical American versus Canadian shtick that has no context really. Sad, Eric, sad. And I don’t say this because I’m a Canadian, no… I say it because it was a meaningless point about Roode.
- His other rips were a little more focused on the characterizations of the Fortune members, I guess they ran out of ideas for Robert Roode? He calls Kazarian the “Clay Aikin” of professional wrestling… Jeff Jarrett calls out Fortune and tells them to grow a set and talk face to face with some real men. Lord knows Jeff Hardy’s facepaint leads me to believe that statement. They oblige Immortal as the crowd chants “AJ Styles (clap, clap, clap clap clap). Jarrett is all bitter since he hired them all and know he’s repaid like this? Robert Roode takes exception as Jarrett runs them all down, and notes that yes, Jarrett gave them all opportunities… stating, “You know what WE did with that opportunity? WE BUILT YOUR COMPANY FROM THE GROUND UP! [...] week after week, month after month we’d look around the locker room at the ‘new face’ of TNA” and pointing out that the recruits were always washed up and whatnot. HA HAHAHAHHA Angle and Steiner technically are their allies and are included in that reference indirectly. Roode is awesome here… brawl ensues and out comes Crimson, Angle and Steiner to help Fortune clear the ring… decent start to the show, explaining the whole swerve…
- Cut to backstage as we see Velvet Sky and Winter arguing until Angelina Love breaks them up and tries to quell the storm, and if they don’t get on the same page tonight, “we are going to get killed.” Well, rules are rules… and the mighty PatMan knows the score:
I was thinking of making a joke about how quick that was, but then someone would make a “that’s what she said” joke. And that would not be funny, just fucking redundant… so I won’t…
- Bischoff talks to Hernandez, and about how Dixie Carter dropped the ball with him, and how Hogan and him want to see him rolling in the big money and successful in the biz… all he asks is for him to hurt a few people along the way. Hernandez seems to be on the same page.
- Some Internet Guy/Brother Ray/D’Angelo Dinero versus RVD/Devon/Somoa Joe in a six man tables match. I guess they’ve already dropped Ray’s “Bully” name. That was also quick. Brother Ray is seen ranting at Devon’s sons still at ringside (they live in the iMPACT zone now). Tenay still calls Ray “Bully.” As the faces enter, everything breaks into a clustershmoz… Joe and the Pope run out the arena immediately. The Dudleys fight amongst themselves, and RVD shows Some Internet Guy how to wrestle. A nice spot by RVD has him launch a cross body from the inside of the ring onto Matt Hardy, who blocks with a steel chair to take out RVD for a little while. Tables begin to be set up by the remaining four men… Ray audibly calls Devon’s children “two little bastard kids” and puts Ray through a table. Total match time is like 2 minutes? WTF? Some people might spend more time reading this paragraph than the match was given time, but I digress…
Is it? Really TNA? Lame.
- I pause to enjoy this rendition of the Stones classic featured in the above video (possibly not visible at BTW, Actually if they do not have their plug in issue figured out… click here to see all videos in this post).
- I love how music interleaves with my wrestling observations, especially when I become aware that I might be the ONLY person to pick up on them… like CM Punk’s Fugazi reference last week on RAW!
- Karen Angle Jarrett and Jeff address the crowd, and Karen asks whether the fans enjoyed their Jarrett Bunch vignettes last week. Instant heat on Karen, who takes this to a nice level of sarcastic heeltastic action! Well done! But Angle will have none of it! NO! He came here to sign a contract for this Sunday’s PPV (oh… yeah, right, one of those). A wall of security separates the two parties as Karen totally berates Kurt facetiously as if she’s talking to a five-year old. “Just give me the damn papers, and let’s get this over with,” says Kurt. “Watch you mouth Kurt, my kids are at home watching this…” starts Jeff. Jarrett wants to up the ante this Sunday. If Kurt wins, he gets sole custody of his and Karen’s kids (wow! Fucking crazy, kids on a pole match?). If Jeff wins, Kurt has to give the bride away at the renewal of the Jeff/Karen wedding. Well… at least this show isn’t PG, huh? Kurt signs…
Pretty much… yep, it’s crash TV redneck shit at it’s finest…
- Sarita/Rosita/Madison Rayne/Tara versus Winter/Velvet Sky/Angelina Love/Mickie James. Rosita is that promised cousin of Sarita from last episode, she has the model look. The question, of course, is can she wrestle. We all can download porn, so the big question remains… LULZ, as Winter botches the patented slide through Angelina’s legs entrance. Velvet and Angelina do their ass shake thing, to which the masterful Patman uses the adjective aspect of that description as motivation to watch. Wow, eight Knock Outs? Another short match that at least featured Rosita hitting a neat looking backwards shooting star press from the top ropes onto PatMan’s Velvet Sky! That, I must add, looked really cool. Mickie James calls out Madison Rayne to settle their beef once and for all… commercials…
I need a car wash too, actually.
- Madison points out that Mickie came to TNA to prove she was the top female wrestler in the top female wrestler division in the world. Nice. Madison says that there comes a time in every athletes career that there’s a time to decide whether to hang up their boots and walk away. So does that make their match at the PPV an I quit match? Who knows, it’s TNA. But their match will be a last Knock Out standing match, I guess.
- Jeff Hardy backstage cuts a very generic promo. Shocked? No, of course not.
Charles Barkley @G: “I’m getting angry just watching this inane turrible garbage.”
G @Charles Barkley: “In this case, I totally agree.”
- Kurt visits Beer Money, and asks them to destroy Jarrett as a favor to him for talking smack about his kids. Robert Roode says he’ll do him one better, and will opt out of the match and let Kurt take his place to get some revenge on Jarrett. AHH.. DON’T BE ROODE. I GET IT NOW. Wow, that kind of actually made sense…
Pizza Delivery, Star Wars style!
- Matt Morgan versus Mr. Anderson. I guess this is a title match? And Jeff Hardy sits on top of a ladder outside the ring watching to see who his opponent will be… wait, what? TNA confuses the hell out of me sometimes, I don’t get this at all. Why is this match taking place three days before a PPV? After some lackluster action between the two, we get a referee bump and Hernandez interferes attacking Morgan outside the ring. Afterwards, this allows Anderson to pick up the win. Then Anderson is laid out by Super-Mex as well. Odd, since the announcers point out that Hernandez conversation with Bischoff… yet, the logical attack would take place on Fortune at this time. Bizarre.
Damn, I love this retarded show!
- Brother/Bully Ray talks to no one other than the camera man all bitter about Devon putting him through a table and he wants to fight Devon AND his two bastard kids in a street fight at Against All Odds this Sunday.
- Brian Kendrick versus Robbie E w/Cookie versus Suicide (Christopher Daniels is under the mask). Kendrick sits down into his meditation Jedi pose after entering. Robbie E notes that they are not doing the usual Jersey Shore crap tonight. Nope, he’s mad that he lost his X-Division title. The winner goes on to join the rest of the X-Division crew at the PPV to determine the number one contender versus both the the Bucks. Again, short-as-fuck. Robbie wins after a Cookie ref distraction and advances. Meh… the worst of the three moves on to the finals. Sadly, the most watchable match of the evening.
These are some mad ninja skills.
- Shannon Moore and Jesse
Neil Neal whothefuckcares tell us they represent the 1% of society who go out and dress like 1% of society. I prefer to blend into society and manipulate it as best I can to my advantage.
- Rob Terry/Murphy/His Pal versus Steiner/Beer Money at the PPV is announced…
- Devon retorts to the Bubba/Bully Ray challenge. Also, another match is made three days away from the PPV. And I’m sure TNA wonders why their buy-rate sucks.
- Jeff Jarrett (w/ Karen Angle Jarrett)/Jeff Hardy versus AJ Styles/Angle. Commercials. We return with AJ tagging immediately to Angle to face Jarrett who cowardly leaves the ring and brings in Hardy instead. That was good, at least. Keep the two apart to build the match… We get a false tag as Angle tosses Hardy into Jarrett whose hand touches Hardy’s back, but Jarrett backs off as if it didn’t happen… decent action here, and the heel Hardy finally gains some momentum, and getting Jarrett into the match with a laid out Angle… Karen shrieks in Kurts face whilst prone on the ropes… heel tactics make a fake tag bring back in Hardy…. We actually get a commercial break here as TNA allows a match to go beyond 2 minutes…
Boom! Head shot, indeed…
- We return to a weary Angle making a last minute reversal to Hardy from the top ropes into a suplex. Both men’s tag partners desperately want to make the tag, and as they do AJ takes Jarrett down… allowing for an angry Angle to attack him, but AJ is still the legal man, and grabs a pin over the distracted Jarrett. Well at least we actually got something resembling a match tonight. Post match we see Jarrett do the old-heel-beatdown with Hardy in tow… the ringbell is rung to no avail. Heels don’t care about ringbells, they naturally all have tinnitus. Immortal enters the fray to make things heelish, but being TNA, RVD also runs in to help… sense is not made, but whatever. Beer Money, Mr. Anderson as well… etc.
- The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.
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