-It’s been a long time, hasn’t it.  I haven’t reviewed a wrestling event in AGES.  But, if you were thinking that I would miss this, then you’re obviously not thinking.  Because it’s WRESTLEMANIA,  AND IT’S TIME FOR BIG FUCKING WRUSSELMUNYA V:  THE MEGAPOWERS EXPLODE!!!

Intro

-It’s Lillian Garcia, and she’s here to do what she does best, sing the second national anthem!

-The stage, much like last year, is kind of plain.  I guess this is the new trend for WrestleMania, which is completely fine with me.  I’ve never been a fan of big, hulking stage sets.

-And, the super-serious WrestleMania intro!  According to this, there’s only two matches tonight, Cena and the Rock, and The H’s and the Undertaker.  IT’S THE DOUBLE MAIN EVENT!  IT’S WRESTLEMANIA!

BLINK AND YOU’LL MISS IT: Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus for the World Heavyweight Championship!

-… Well, hey.  At least they were on the PPV this year, right?

-Sheamus comes down, and we have proof positive that the sun is NOT his friend, as his normally pale skin looks grey in the Miami sunlight.  And then we have World Champion Daniel Bryan, with the INCREDIBLY adorable AJ Lee.   For those who don’t follow wrestling, short story long, Daniel Bryan is a cowardly champion who revels in even the smallest triumph, and he and AJ Lee kind of have a Randy Savage-Elizabeth Vibe…

-Before the match begins, Daniel Bryan gets a good luck kiss from AJ Lee.  And  then gets punted in the head.  One. Two. Three.

-Once again, the World Title Match (AND the Royal Rumble winner) curtain jerk WrestleMania, which is bothersome enough.  The fact that the match went all of 18 seconds is the WORST INSULT OF ALL.

-Nah, I’m not that insulted.  Just, sad.  The match could have been just a LITTLE bit more, but oh well.  At least Daniel Bryan can say he defended a World Title at WrestleMania, right?

-And I mean, shit.  Daniel Bryan was just starting to catch fire as a champion.  The crowd was REALLY into the YES! YES! YES! Gimmick!

BACKSTAGE SHENANIGANS!!!

-OH DIOS MIO!  THE HEELS!  THEY’RE SCHEMING!  SCHEMING LIKE HEELS!  Team Johnny is getting themselves pumped up for tonight’s epic showdown for control of BOTH RAW and SmackDown, when the man himself, John Laurinaitis, Executive Vice President, Talent Relations, shows up in an IMPECCABLE white suit to give his team one last pep talk.  THANKS COACH.  No wonder he took the name Johnny Ace.  It took me four attempts to spell the name Laurinaitis correctly.

Kane vs. Randy Orton: I’m Not Quite Clear As To Why They’re Feuding

-I mean, aside from the fact that, otherwise, two of WWE’s top stars would be doing nothing for Mania.

-I haven’t done RAW Reflections in forever, but I gotta say, Kane’s Casey Jones mask is FUCKING COOL.  The rest of his ring gear, from his Fruit Roll-Up mask, to his onesie that looks like he stitched it together from pieces of the Undertaker’s discarded tights, is not.

-Not the most exciting match I’ve ever seen, no sir.  The crowd doesn’t like it either.  Then again, for a match with pretty much no drama going into it, and considering that these two guys are as basic as you can get, in regards to actual wrestling, what do you expect?

-In a surprise turn of events, KANE actually wins with a top-rope chokeslam.  Hopefully, this ho-hum feud is over, too.  If only Wade Barrett hadn’t dislocated his elbow…

BACKSTAGE SILLINESS!!

-Backstage, Eurotrash Superstar (man, I haven’t used that name in FOREVER), some Deadliest Catch guy and MICK FOLEY! Are eating Alaska King Crab.  They do silly things, and Ron Simmons shows up to shout DAMN.  He disapproves of their dining etiquette.  It didn’t drag on as NEARLY as they could have made it, but still.  This time could have been given to poor Daniel Bryan and his Gingered Adversary.

HOLY CRAP THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP IS BEING DEFENDED AT WRESTLEMANIA YOU GUYS!

-Ever since I was a little shithead kid, the Intercontinental Championship was my favourite championship.  It makes me so mad to think about what WWE did to the belt in the past decade, but it seems that they’re making amends.  The first step in the right direction was to bring back the classic championship belt, the nicest looking championship in the history of title belts.  THEN they have Cody Rhodes, a dude who has REALLY has been coming into his own in the past year, carry the belt and improve its image tenfold.  And NOW, the Intercontinental Championship actually is defended at FUCKING WRESTLEMANIA.

-The backstory was, for weeks, Cody Rhodes has been dogging the Big Show on his ridiculous history at WrestleMania.  And really, he’s done some really embarrassing shit.  So, Cody kept ripping on the big oaf, so here we are!

-And you know what?  This was a decent match.  The Big Show is by no means a bad wrestler, and they put on a perfectly acceptable match.  And, logically, Big Show had to win.  Considering all the shit the dastardly Cody Rhodes had been talking over the past few months, the bad guy needed his comeuppance.  And, the Big Show deserves a little something something for the bullshit WWE puts him through.  And, above all else, THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP WAS DEFENDED AT WRESTLEMANIA!

Who The Fuck Cares About The Divas Match?

-That’s a rhetorical question.  We all know that no one cares about the Divas Match at WrestleMania.

BACKSTAGE JOURNALISM!!!

-Backstage, Matt Striker (wearing the weirdest tie I have ever seen) is with Shawn Michaels, a dude whose looks have been ravaged by the passing of time, hyping up Triple H-Undertaker.  In case you weren’t aware, Shawn’s the special guest referee.  Nothing to make fun of here.  Except for Shawn’s leathery complexion.

-Oh, in case you care, 78,363 dudes are at WrestleMania this year.  WHOOO NUMBERS!

THE END OF AN ERA: TRIPLE H VS THE UNDERTAKER THREE TWO!!!

-It’s scary to think that this really is the last match of an era.  I am old enough to remember when both the Undertaker and Triple H debuted.  Fuck, I’m SO old.

-BUT, before we get to the match, we have a special guest!  IT’S GOOD OL JR, JIM RO-WAIT A MINUTE.  Something’s up.  He’s thinner.  He has a goatee.  THAT’S NOT THE REAL JR!  THAT’S JR’S EVIL TWIN FROM A PARALLEL UNIVERSE!  The Nega-JR only eats Sushi, hates college football, and lives in Portland, Oregon.

-Shawn is out first, and he’s being his goofy, goofy self.  DAMN IT SHAWN, STOP BEING SO SILLY!  YOU HAVE AN END OF AN ERA TO OFFICIATE!

-And here’s Triple H, and he comes out through CASTLE GREYSKULL!  HOLY CRAP, HE IS HE-MAN!!!!

-And here’s the Undertaker, dressed like the Super Shredder.  Sure, go ahead, rub the end of my childhood in my face a little more, won’t you!  BTW, Taker got himself a haircut, and it actually doesn’t look as unusual as I thought it would.

-Oh, this is also to be contested IN THE HELL IN A CELL CAGE!  INTRIGUE.  There’s been like 25 Hell in a Cell matches since 1997, and between Triple H and the Undertaker, they’ve been in 19.  That’s fucking impressive.

-This match was TEN TIMES better than last year’s video game spotfest.  This actually felt like there was structure to it.  Having Shawn in the match actually helped, as the drama was increased tenfold, being torn between loyalty to his best friend, and concern for one of WWE’s greatest icons.  They brawled all over ring, they beat the PISS out of each other with chairs and ring steps and sledgehammers.

-At one point, Shawn actually nailed the Undertaker with the Superkick, which lead DIRECTLY into a Pedigree.  At this point, I was certain the match and the streak was over, and the Kliq had won BUT NO!  The Undertaker persevered, and eventually nailed The Son In Law with the Tombstone.

-And the Undertaker nabs victory number 20, and stands victorious over the defeated Triple H.  I swear, after the second Pedigree, I thought the H’s would kill the streak, but I’m happy that his business sense won over.  You won’t sell a lot of DVDs titled “19-1,” right?  Anyway, post-match, the three of them, Shawn included, leave the arena together, and take my childhood with them. 🙁

WWE Hall Of Fame, Class of 2012

-It’s time to cool down this crowd with a little fluff!  TIME FOR THE HALL OF FAME!

-This year’s class included Mil Mascaras, the mighty Yokozuna, the Four Horsemen, Mike Tyson (the non-fans at the WrestleMania party I was at had no idea why he was there), Ron Simmons, and EDGE!  Goddamn it, I miss Edge.

BACKSTAGE CELEBRITY CAMEO!!!!!

-Josh Matthews is backstage with some rapper named Flo Rida.  I GET IT!  BECAUSE HE’S FROM FLORIDA!  I GET JOKES.  They say some things, BUT THEN Heath Slater barges in to do some stupid shit.  The Flo Rida dude roughs up the Pride of West Virginia, and Tyler Reks and Curt Hawkins show up FOR NO RAISON!

THE END OF AN ERA THE BRAND SPLIT: TEAM JOHNNY VS. TEAM TEDDY

-Holy shit.  This match has NINETEEN people involved in it.  NINETEEN!  Talk about your scrambling for a WrestleMania Payday.

-I’m just happy that they had the teams wear colour coded t-shirts, so you could keep track of what was going on.  Because there was NINETEEN FUCKING PERFORMERS IN THIS MATCH IN TOTAL.  That’s just… Holy crap.  But hey, I guess I can’t be too mad.  It gave people like Zack Ryder and Dolph Ziggler their WrestleMania moments.

-There was just far too much going on to give you any sense of this match, all you need to know is that Team Johnny won, and Johnny Lau… fuck it, Johnny Ace is now the de facto master of WWE.  GO HEELS!

CELEBRITIES AT RINGSIDE: Alex Rodriguez, that baseball guy, and HAHAHAHAH TORRIE WILSON.  I hope Pay-Rod likes Billy Kidman’s sloppy seconds.

BACKSTAGE FORESHADOWING!!!!!!!!

-WWE Champion CM Punk has an encounter with the new General Manager of the WWE brands, Johnny Ace.  Johnny tells him if Punk gets DQed, Jericho wins the WWE Championship.  I guess THIS feud is back on, eh?

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: THE BEST IN THE WORLD VS. THE BEST IN THE WORLD

-This is the match I have been waiting MONTHS for, guys.  MONTHS.

-Jericho is out first, with the Lite-Brite jacket.  Unfortunately, it malfunctions.  THAT’S QUITE ALRIGHT, because no one will remember that.   This match has too much promise.

-Maaaan, they should have hired Cult of Personality to play CM Punk to the ring.  That would have been super cool.  OH WELL.

-This match.  This goddamn match, you guys.  This match will live on as one of the greatest WWE Championship matches of all time.  Jericho and Punk brough their A-Games, and then some.  And you know what?  This was everything it should be.

-This match wasn’t built on any drama, or any elaborate storyline, despite Jericho’s catcalls about Punk’s family history.  This was simply a match between two dudes who claimed to be the Best In The World, over the most important championship in all of the World.  So, they did what they were supposed to, and they wrestled.  They WRESTLED, you guys.  They gave a clinic in mat wrestling, and proved to everyone why, pound for pound, they are the absolute best WWE has to offer.

-In the end, though, only one man could be the true Best In The World, and that was CM Punk.  The wrestling world is Punk’s oyster, now.  And, honestly, I guarantee these two guys watched Steamboat vs Savage, WrestleMania III, SEVERAL times, because there was a certain old school flavour to it.  The near falls, the technical mastery, this match was a showstealer.  Dare I say it, this match is probably the best wrestling match I have seen in 10 years.

WRESTLEMANIA 29

-WrestleMania 29 will take place in New Jersey, in the new football stadium they’re building.  DRESS WARM, DUDES.  New Jersey is not NEARLY as warm as Miami in April.

BACK ON-STAGE FUNKASAURUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-HERE’S BRODUS CLAY!  AND HE’S CALLIN’ HIS MAMA!  BUTWAIT!  HIS MAMA IS ALREADY HERE!  AND SHE BROUGHT THE BRIDGE CLUB!  OLD LADIES ARE DANCING!  DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE AND COOL DOWN THAT CROWD, BECAUSE IT’S MAIN EVENT TIME!!!!

ONCE IN A LIFETIME… UNTIL NEXT YEAR:  THE ROCK VS JOHN CENA

-Here it is, a match literally one year in the making.

-First out is… Puff Daddy?  What the fuck?  OH, he’s introducing some rapper to play the intro to John Cena’s entrance.  Some skinny white dude with tattoos.  I dunno, I am like 15 years behind the times, as far as Rap goes.

-John Cena is out first, wearing Celtics green.  The most simplistic entrance he’s had in a LONG time, actually.

-Next up, IT’S THE FLO RIDA GUY!  AND HIS MIC STAND HAS A MAP OF FLORIDA THAT’S SHAPED LIKE AN F, WITH LO ATTATCHED!  AH HAHAHAHAHAHA CLEVER!  He plays the intro to the Hometown Hero…

-DWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYNE.  The Rock.

-At this point, both in the write-up, and in the match, I am SO burned out.  But, I will persevere!

-John Cena deserves a goddamned medal.  Because, he carried the Rock on  his back, and made this an actually GOOD match.  It was not the technical masterpiece that Punk-Jericho was, but it would be unrealistic to expect that of these two.

-After trading finishers, and TWO GODAWFUL Sharpshooters by the Rock, Cena attempts to finish off the Rock with the People’s Elbow, ONLY to run right into the Rock Bottom.  Three Count.  Boom.  Casual Fans go home happy!  I… am indifferent.

All in All…

-TEN TIMES BETTER THAN LAST YEAR.  THAT’S FOR GODDAMNED SURE.

-Dare I say it, dudes, this is probably the best WrestleMania since the mythical WrestleMania X7.  This show was so goddamned good.

-Almost every single thing about this show was so so SO smart.  The main event matches (Taker/Hunter, Team Johnny/Team Teddy, Punk/Jericho, and Rock/Cena) were given the time they deserved, and the undercard was, well, the undercard.  This WrestleMania, for the first time in a long, long time, felt like a WrestleMania.  Everyone, EVERYONE brought their A-Games, including the production staff.

-The pacing of this show was so intelligent, too.  Spacing out the big matches with fun filler to cool down the crowd, organizing it the way they did… I can’t say enough nice things about this.

-The only let downs of this WrestleMania were the opening match, which is obvious, and the Rock winning, but I’m not even upset about that.  That’s how much I loved this event.

-In years to come, this event should be held in the same esteem that WrestleMania III and WrestleMania X7 are held.  It encapsulated everything that is pro wrestling, and it felt like the big event it should be.  And, unlike last year, I have absolutely no regrets about paying money to see this.  It was worth every single cent.

-Thank you for reading.

-END.