Just as we kick off the show, we learn that Josh Matthews will not be with us since he was murdered by Brock Lesnar on Monday NIght RAW. So it’s just Cole and Booker on commentary…. I debate hitting mute… Ok, let’s just hop to this, shall we?

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– * Daniel Bryan Promo kicks off the show as he tells us he cut the umbilical cord that was AJ. And reminds us of the 18 second loss at Mania, and claims it does not count… rather it goes on AJ’s record, not his. He’ll win at Extreme Rules, and when he was asked last Monday to referee the Henry/Sheamus match, he called it right down the middle. This gets some good heat from the crowd who witnessed the obvious fast count. Then Bryan does “question and answer time with Daniel Bryan.” All loaded questions, and get this… you’ll be shocked… all the answers are “YES!” Great promo, as per usual. Worth a watch. And even after they boo the crap out of him, the crowd immediately chants YES! along with him.

– * Alberto Del Rio vs. The Big Show (Non-Title Match). This match begins immediately after Bryan’s diatribe. Bryan looks disgusted as Ricardo Rodriguez announces Del Rio. Then Del Rio plays the question game too, with all answers being “Si!” Big Show’s music puts this to an end… Show asks whether it’s YES! or Si! repeatedly to each side of the arena repeatedly. The heels look unimpressed, Show goes to attack, and they flee the ring…. except Rodriguez who is caught by the giant…. Ricardo is asked by Show which he thinks it is, but he looks like he is going to cry and eats a chokeslam.

How about now? Creeped out?

– We return and Del Rio and Show get down to actually wrestling… Show dominates early, Del Rio turns it around and isolates Shows left arm… Del Rio attempts to set up an armbar, but Show lifts him into the air and a modified Electric Chair is delivered. As Show goes to slam Del Rio again, Cody Rhodes sweeps his legs. DQ! Rhodes grabs a kendo stick and a steel chair. The stick only makes the giant angrier, so Rhodes tries the chair, but Show punches that into Rhodes. Rhodes takes his belt off his jeans to attack, but Show ends up with it and straps him twice as Rhodes flees…

– Eve and Johnny are talking backstage. Teddy Long pops up overhearing that Eve is his administrative assistant. Long says he thought that was his job, to which Johnny responds, “You’re just my employee.” Eve suggests Long goes and gets himself a name tag. ZING!

“Not right now, mixing. No requests please.”

– * Damien Sandow Vignette. This time he runs down catchphrases and theme music citing Voltaire and teasing illumination. Illuminati anyone? Mayhaps. I know some people hate the genius themed gimmick, but I’m curious to see what this guy can do in the ring. It’s been a long time since he was Aaron Idol Stevens…

– * Nikki Bella vs. Alicia Fox (Non-Title Match)

Here’s my take on this match ^.

– It’s fucking terrible. Just plain terrible. Twin Magic while the referee was distracted. I’m so glad they will be dead to us soon.

Charles Barkley @G: “Can I be a Diva, G? Go ahead, make a joke.”

G @Charles Barkley: “About what?”

– Just prior the match, Young and O’Neil make some racist comments towards Yoshi backstage. Cut to Teddy dusting John’s office, wearing a maid’s outfit with a giant “Hello, my name is Teddy” name tag. Aksana arrives, breaks the news she isn’t really into Teddy any more, and John and Eve arrive telling us that Antonio Cesaro is getting a tryout match. And then they tell Teddy will be an commentator tonight but the catch is that he is not allowed to say anything except for what John tells him from backstage. Internet fans, this is exactly what we know is going on… this could be hilarious.

Drew, the Truth Shall Set You Free!

– * Darren Young and Titus O’Neil vs. Yoshi Tatsu and Ezekiel Jackson. Teddy is at his own table, with a People Power shirt. He doesn’t respond to Cole initially. Then Cole asks why he didn’t sign O’Neil and Young, and he relays John’s message that he made a big mistake. Meanwhile Tatsu sells some moves by Young, but gets some offense in before being beaten by Titus and Young who do a neat looking top rope clothesline onto him with Titus converting it into a slam. A little sloppy, but convincing tag team finishing move. Ezekial Jackson doesn’t even get into the ring. What a waste of Teddy.

Come on, this one is pretty disturbing… hardly looks like Vince at all!

– * Michael Cole Interviews Randy Orton. You know this is going to suck. Cole notes that Laurinatus handed down an edict that any wrestler who attacks an announcer will be immediately suspended. Orton doesn’t care, Then we get clip packages about the Kane/Orton boredom. YAWN! This ends with… HAILING FROM CALGARY, ALBERTA, CANADA!!! Oh wait, it’s Jinder Mahal. WHAT THE FUCK? HOW DOES THIS MAKE SENSE? Jinder in full fledged racist gimmick, who tells Orton after the PPV he’ll be waiting for him. Orton asks him if he’s an announcer. Jinder says no, so Randy RKO’s him. I actually got a laugh out of that.

If this one doesn’t remotely creep you out, I give up.

– * Antonio Cesaro vs. Tyson Kidd in a Tryout Match. Aksana is our ring announcer, and doesn’t fail terribly. Cesaro is billed from Switzerland and as a former Rugby player who was kicked out of “the” league for excessive violence. Tyson is in here to make him look good, because Kidd can do that with ANYBODY. Cesaro doesn’t completely dominate, but it might as well be a squash. Teddy is still out there, and Johnny tells him to do his bidding and hold up Cesaro’s hand. Then Aksana makes out with Cesaro in front of Long who tears up and walks away heartbroken. Holla, holla holla!

– Lesnar and Cena video package, so it’s detective work time. That Lesnar mark-out guy from RAW following WrestleMania was on Reddit this week claiming to be a superfan with this facebook account. Who knows if the dude on Reddit was indeed him, but the guy in the shot certainly has been to a lot of events. THESE TWO GUYS ARE THE SAME DUDE (in the second one, the guy I refer to is the front row man standing above the “W” in the ring barrier banner)

Brock fan freaks out April 2nd.

Brock fan is also an Orton fan, freaks out for the steel pipe attack. Same shirt, same face, same dude.

– * The Mediocre Khali vs. Cody Rhodes. WHY? WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN? Rhodes does the smart thing and takes the giant off his feet, but he let’s him get up. The Mediocre Khali chokeslams Rhodes and pins him clean. WHAT??!?

I lied, this one is rather disturbing as well…

– Another segment with AW talking to the Colons about their misuse on television. AW certainly has the gift of gab. Ryback walks by, looking all roid ragey. AW looks him up and down and follows him to pass him his business card. Has AW actually signed anybody yet?

– * Ryback vs. Jacob Kaye. Jacob talks about watching Smackdown each week and that he will be the first jobber to win. He’s a local guy who wants to escape Grand Rapids, Michigan. The Usos watch on the monitor backstage. IT’S THE EXACT SAME THING WE’VE SEEN FOR FOUR WEEKS IN A ROW NOW. OMG, KAYE WINS! KAYE WINS! KAYE WINS!

LOL, of course he doesn’t

– Ryback fucking murders him with a clothesline and a power slam move. Ryback shouts “Finish Him!” before his finisher, and follows up with his now catchphrase, “Feed. Me. More!”

– Matt Striker tries to interview AJ about her flipping out last week. Katelyn shows up, runs off Striker. Then she tries to talk some sense into AJ, who slaps her. AJ is clearly selling the misguided obsessive story again.

I’m banking on the monkey.

* Sheamus vs. Mark Henry (Non-Title Match), fella. Honestly, I’m not even remotely interested in this. You know what that means… FFW speed set to 2/5 at least. Henry dominates the first portion of this match. Very slow, controlled plodding style. Some like this stuff, and if you like that old school style, you’re not me. My attention span has been destroyed by video games, the internet, and other various social media. We return to the same thing. POWER MOVES! The only logical thing I can think of why they would book the World Champion this weak… is that if when Chicago cheers the roof off the building for Bryan on Sunday, that Mark Henry is going to be waiting for his title match. Sheamus can’t get a break, missing everything while Henry slaughters… Sheamus manages to eke out a win with a lucky Brogue Kick. Daniel Bryan is seen a top the entrance ramp clapping with a shit-eating grin. Sheamus grabs a mic, “C’mon down here, fella!” Sheamus goads him on reminding him of the 18 second win. He claims he will retain without fluke, or because of AJ. And does his own “Yes!” chant. The crowd gets into it…

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Two Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, Glasenator, Jonkind and/or Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.