June 9th, 2012 
G It’s time for Smackdown, but I know what you’re all wondering… will Stan Stansky be on the show tonight? Only one way to find out, let’s kick it, shall we?
Can I kick it?
Yes, you can!
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
– We’re told we will see a replay of the Cole/Cena “match” from Monday again tonight. Great. Booker T mocks Cole, and cue the entrance of Del Rio’s car spot.
– Del Rio reminds us of his attack on Sheamus on RAW and they throw to the clip of Ricardo and Alberto beating down, then dangling Sheamus by one arm over the stage. Del Rio is then interrupted by one of the most awesome things I have ever seen… ever! Words can’t describe it, properly… so here it is:
Sheamus looks like he finally started tanning… wait, WTF? Yeah, you ARE seeing this right.
– Del Rio shocks us telling us this is actually not Sheamus, and anyone can be Sheamus and beat his chest like a caveman, and so forth. Ricardo steals this whole promo. Then the real Sheamus comes out (unfortunately) and immediately attacks. Punches, etc., and at least The Great White is still selling his injured arm. The Irishman lays out the heels, but is unable to deliver a Celtic Cross due to Ricardo RodSheamus catching his legs. Out come the referees… and HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA FLOW CHART PLAYAH stops the brawl, as Teddy Long is acting on Johnny Ace’s behalf tonight. He’s still a tool of Laurinaitus and tells us about some matches we’ll get to in a moment or so… like right now:
It’s even more funny on Twitter when wrestlers tweet drunk, but I digress…
– * Alberto Del Rio vs. The Mediocre Khali. God help us all. Let it be known, the best part of this match is watching Ricardo’s reactions to Del Rio taking big Khali chops while still dressed up as Sheamus. Hilarious visual. Del Rio takes the big man down, and keeps him there are he works the legs. Not a thrilling match, but not as terrible as I thought it would be. Del Rio of course wins, submitting Khali with an armbard, and RodSheamus raises his arm in victory.
Charles Barkley @G: “FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!”
G @Charles Barkley: “I take it you just discovered memes on the internet, Chuck?”
– The Funkadactyls and Brodus meet up with Teddy backstage. Teddy informs him that as of now, he is a permanent member of the Smackdown roster and will no longer appear on RAW to be protected from the Big Show (yeah, how long is THAT going to last?). Brodus notes Long should tell the Smackdown roster when he sees them, he is going to see The Big Show and is going to “Eat… Them… Up.” Brodus needs to lay off the Bath Salts, someone better call his momma and set up rehab. LOL, that was a horrible joke. I blame you.
– Another crop of kids are leaving high school and into the real world right now. And not “The Real World” Mr. “The” Marine 3, The “Really” Miz came from. It’s a different world, from where you’re coming from… flip-up sunglasses and shit… I get a wee bit distracted this thing:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lfxYhtf8o4&[/youtube]
Click to watch what I wished I heard at my grad back in the olden days. I’m still bitter about getting attacked by an Albertosaurus, but I blame that nowadays on Funk music eventually commencing. Or Ricardo Rodriguez accepting my scroll dressed as me. Click to watch if the video doesn’t show up on your end.
– * Brodus Clay vs. Derrick Bateman. Funk is gonna roll. Disco ball is in full effect, as is the dance routine. I’ve said it many times, I am SO NOT sick of this. LOVE IT! LIVE IT! LONG LIVE THE FUNK! Maybe because I was a huge fan of grabbing some cakes as a little G whenever The Junk Yard Dog came out. I also like Bateman’s work, and sadly do I expect a squash here, especially considering he gets absolutely no ring entrance. His work on NXT over the last 7-8 months has been excellent. Brodus tosses Bateman around like a ragdoll and makes quick work of him with his headbutt, a toss over the ring barricade, and a Funky Splash. Pin, win, kids dance with this generation’s JYD.
– Booker T’s favorite moment on RAW (for the 1000th episode), was on July 2, 2001 when he debuted vs Buff Bagwell in the Invasion angle in a god awful match that essentially ended Buff’s momentum with the WWE. He doesn’t say that, but the IWC is all thinking it. Admit it.
– * Sin Cara vs. Drew McIntyre
Will the streak continue… tonight?
– Since this is taped, who really knows. Drew McIntyre has been the chosen one for no ring entrance. But he does get some offensive maneuvers in after a lucha attack combo by the masked man. The best spot has Drew on the ring apron, Cara runs at him, but Drew lifts him into the air, and knees him as gravity takes over and the lucha falls to the outside. Later he lands a big boot. This is clearly not a squash. A couple of near falls later, has Cara leap from the ropes into a modified hurricarana, which Drew looks to reverse, BUT NO!! Sin Cara flips him down onto the mat, grabs the pin and the win. Short, but sweet match in which McIntyre still looks good in. Win/Win.
* Ryback vs. Tony Andriotis and Kevin Mahoney. “Mirror, mirror on the wall… who will be the first to give Ryback his first pinfall?” says Tony, and Kevin answers them. Cheesy, but funny. Cole notes that they will be the next to run into a wall. Ryback does his usual shtick destroying the jobbers, pulling out all his power moves including a double spear, clothesline, a disgustingly stiff powerbomb, and his backdrop dual suplex. Then pins one of them using the other. One has to wonder if this is how the WWE is destroying the current, but growing, modern independent territory system. He punches himself in the head and mouths what I think was “Mental Machine” to the camera.
Not as cool as the Hun catapulting the decapitated heads of your brethren into your hold. Maybe cooler than catapulting plague ridden corpses into your hold. Somewhere in between.
– It’s the return of… THE PEEP SHOW! But Cody Rhodes enters first, and spouts off that Christian should be answering to him… Christian makes his way out, and notes if Rhodes wanted to host, all he had to do was act. Rhodes questions Christian’s intentions being questionable and he is a heel at heart. Christian replies that he spent so much time on the shelf this year, and had a moment of clarity after inducting Edge into the HOF. Christian understands that his time is a privilege that can go away in an instant. He doesn’t want to known as the whining sniveling guy asking for “One… more… match!” or be known for a HOF career built on effort. Rhodes doubts Christian is going into the HOF, etc. TNA cheap shot? Rumors that Christian might show up a the 10th anniversary of Slammiversary this Sunday as an alumni of theirs? Ric Flair? WOO? I wish he said the last bit, because I think it was implied… cough, cough, lawsuit, cough. But why put two great talkers in a segment, when you can add a third?
Even Cody understands that kicking a ‘Swoggle isn’t being a star. There will be no hugs today.
– Dolph Ziggler says he’s here to end this segment and be the best by beating Christian right now… Cody joins commentary. Rhodes joins commentary.
– * Non-Title Match: Christian {C} vs. Dolph Ziggler. Be honest with yourself,.. you already know this match is good. The two trade spots as the ring gets cleared. They work around this well, and take the match to the outside and roll into a commercial break. I’ve got to give credit where credit is due. This is done to help allow the ring crew to clear the Peep Show set out of the ring in a short amount of time (they tape live-to-air to minimize editing in post production, after all).
Smackdown time… time to get down to business. Time? Wait… let me check my watch, I’M NOT WEARING A WATCH? WHAT? Hold on, what time is it?
– And we’re back… And I’m right, see… all the set has been cleared as Dolph is pulling off Christian’s face as the referee tells him to break the hold. The ground game becomes a trend for a bit, and Rhodes talks about boxing. It doesn’t matter… this match just builds and build in it’s greatness, with near falls and Dolph playing the classic ring general role (and fucking well, I might add). After taking the brunt of the abuse, Christian lands a frog splash FTW. Just go watch this.
– Speaking of which, FFW the next part. It’s the RAW Rebound and you probably saw/read about that earlier this week. Courtesy of the right man, RYTMAN!
– Josh Mathews and Booker T mock him post segment. Cole has had enough, and grabs the arena microphone. Cole notes he has hit the bottom of his career and then… JR’s music plays. But it’s Hornswoggle dressed as JR… more chuckling. I thing this is kind of insulting until Swoggle kicks his Ross impression in the ring calling for some more humiliation clips of Cole. Look, after all the fucking bullshit McMahon has put possibly the best commentator in the business, this is a hard thing to rate. Swoggle is awesome here.
Speaking of hugs being given, here are the fucks I’m giving… 3 hour tour…. a three hour tour. Three hour RAW? Kill me now. THERE IS NO MIDCARD. NOTHING!
– Cue Damien Sandow’s music. He calls Swog’s a miscreant that erroniousle leads the sheep of the product towards the worst that society has to offer… sorry, I’m just paraphrasing here. Essentially, Sandow intellectually calls us all idiots and… wait, what? Tyson Kidd runs in? From Calgary, Alberta, Canada? One of the best technical wrestling employed by the big “e”? Sandow walks away as if not to compete, but then sneak attacks Kidd, slapping on his finisher, and swoon-pinning Kidd for the win. Then hits a cartwheel because he can. You know what? I loved this segment. Thumbs up!
– Kane is interviewed backstage about AJ’s slutfest as of late, with her batting her “Daw” jail-bait eyes at the Big Red Machine. Yes, I said that. Kane gets all disturbed and walks off. He gave no fucks that day, he’s a monster dammit. Katie who? After Kane leaves, AJ is seen looking on. I guess.
My go to alternative to people’s faces when I get the munchies after doing Bath Salts….
– Teddy Long is quoted to have been forced to announce Antonio Cesaro accompanied by his lover Aksana, among other achievements… Teddy looks on trying to be strong as the two Euro-tease (sorry if offended anyone there) him on the ramp and down to the ring. But since Jimmy Uso gets no entrance…
– * Jimmy Uso vs. Antonio Cesaro. I can’t believe his Jimmy’s brother is nowhere to be seen. So-called family… But at least he is not another total squash job, he’s a mid-level squash job. Cesaro demonstrates some abilities, but this thing is short. That theme continues, as Long is forced to raise Cesaro’s arm in victory. Mid arm-raise, the heels make out, Long throws his arm down angrily and storms out, name-tag in tow.
I hardly follow the sport, but this is one drunken fan I would NOT want to get into a fight with in the stands.
– Sheamus’ break-through Battle Royal on November 23, 2009 was his favorite RAW memorable moment. Jesse “The Body” Ventura called the match with Vince McMahon. That was a cool moment, unarguably.
Need to focus… get through the episode… fuck me… this is some tripped out stuff, right here.
– * Non-Title Match: Sheamus {C} vs. Kane. It’s a slow paced brawler match. Lots of the typical spots from both guys spread out a double segment, and I totally am FFW’ing through it. It goes on as normal speed. Our climax is Kane and Sheamus struggling on the top ropes, reversal… Kane misses the flying punch, Sheamus’ third finisher is not enough, blocked Brogue Kick… Del Rio and Ricardo run down, but only Ricardo eats it. Ricardo is sadly not in his Sheamus garb, rather his usual outfit. Kane takes advantage of Sheamus, but his momentum is slowed by AJ running, or perhaps skipping out, and making smiley crush troll faces at Kane as he remembers the script of See No Evil. Sheamus fucks him up, but this match was ruled a no DQ, NSFW, NR-17, fuckfest of a mother, good time all around…
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
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This Smackdown Review Appears on Two Sites!
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Bored Wrestling Fan
A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!
Wonderpod Online
The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.
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Shameless Plugs!
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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.
Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, Glasenator, Jonkind and/or Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!
LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!
Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.
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