What could happen on Smackdown tonight? Best to keep everyone in the dark, right? I mean, god forbit the outcome of a title match would be leaked on the dirt sheets, let alone on the WWE.com website itself. Seriously, right? That would be completely self-defeating and retarded. So clearly Alberto Del Rio didn’t win the title,. there’s no way! So grab your favorite burlap sack, ’cause it’s hoppin’ time!

Let’s see if the WWE can suspend my disbelief.

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– Inbred Jimbo’s Chicken Hut and Wrasslin’ parlour’s voice over guy tells us that some guy named Doug “The Rake” Jackson is appearing tonight. The Broken T comes out and says anything RAW can do, we can do again on Smackdown. On RASH, we got Ziggler vs. Cena, so we will get Cesaro vs. Randall Keith Orton.

“Lock and load time, boys,” states Jorge.

“Got the Petrol Truck, J.T.?” asks Joe.

J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign that says, “Yep. Set, and armed.”

– Big Show saunters down to the ring as Team Alpha gets prepared, angry that Broken T has booked him in a title match against ADR. TAKE A FUCKING GUESS WHAT WILL HAPPEN. Show is convinced it’s a conspiracy, and because of the high percentage of Latino population in Miami, they will get behind ADR. Show goes off into racist mode claiming T cannot give “people like this a Latino hero. THERE ARE NO LATINO HEROES. THERE ARE NO IRISH HEROES.” Umm… Big Show is now BWF’s Geography Champion! Show demands T changes his mind and man handles the GM. Del Rio runs out, drops a kick, casts a wizard via kick, and knocks him outside the ring. Big Show screams that he will destroy ADR later…

Not to be confused with Scotty Goldman, @Wealthy Indian spends £14,000 on a shirt made of GOLD to impress the ladies.
Money-lender Datta Phuge 32, from Pimpri-Chinchwad, commissioned the shirt which took a team of 15 goldsmiths two weeks to make working 16 hours a day creating and weaving the gold threads. […] “I know I am not the best looking man in the world but surely no woman could fail to be dazzled by this shirt? The gold shirt has been one of my dreams. It will be an embellishment to my reputation as the ‘Gold man of Pimpri”‘
Daniel Bryan’s initial reaction was one of anger, as he stormed off mumbling something about, “Datta bastard stole my New Year’s resolution!” King Midas, when reached for comment, responded, “Meh. Have you seen MY wardrobe?”
Shout out to Alice of Rational Wrestling Review. This part of this week’s review wouldn’t have happened without her. Think about sending her money…. then send it to me first. That would be cool. I think I need a new PVR.

– I guess we are getting Rock history clips tonight, as we are shown Shawn Stasiak demanding his title shot from Sept 13, 2001. Yeah, everyone remembers THAT. I mean, it’s not like anything else happened that week, right?

– * Non-Title Match: Antonio Cesaro {C} vs. Randy Orton. Orton makes his way out first… and Joe and Jorge immediately flank the ring. “NOW!!!” they scream in unison. From the corner of the hard-camera side, I see J.T. push a button and out of no where A PETROL GAS TRUCK FALLS FROM THE RAFTERS AND APPEARS TO CRUSH RANDALL KEITH ORTON!!! Team Alpha celebrate as the impact causes a massive firework, but THE VIPER EMERGES UNSCATHED!!! Team Alpha gets the hell out of the arena as fast as they can (except J.T. who calmly walks back to his seat while whistling a Johnny Cash song).

– Meanwhile Cesaro and Orton are fighting among the debris in the ring, but it’s a short set up for a commercial break. We return as the orange cyborg eats a clothesline and JBL keeps calling Cesaro a throwback. Both men trade spots, and Cesaro is “allowed” to display a great variety of slams. Orton even eats a flying European uppercut (although the replay angle they chose makes it clear how much Cesaro misses the punch). Draping DDT on Antonio… BUT TEAM BETA MAKES THE SAVE! Stomp down and triple powerbomb as the match is called a non finish.

One hell of an off-ramp.

– Maffew Stroker interviews 3MB to talk about being in the Royal Rumble. Heath’s Mom told them they have a 10% chance to win the match. But now they have to take care of Sheamus and beat him like an Irish drum. Then they walk off playing air-drums and Jindar Mahal makes a cymbal “ting” sound off of Stroke’s head. Back to the commentator’s and Josh One-T Mathews asks JBL if he thinks the 3MB have a chance at winning the Rumble. Layfield deadpan stares at Josh for a couple seconds and says, “NO!” That’s a win in my books.

– Cut to the home of WrestleMania 28 Miami venue. Punk cuts a promo, and notes he is not going to come and ruin his home coming and that he is a huge fan of The Rock’s college days, and puts on a Johnson jersey… notes that Rock never played here, because he played in the Orange bowl… which was torn down. Paul Heyman chimes in stating “They laid the Smackdown on the Orange bowl.” Punk wants Rock to have a good homecoming…

Plus, you’ll get a jet-pack.

– * Dolph Ziggler and AJ Lee vs. The Medicore Khali and Natalya. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign stating, “Dem Knees.” I begin to realize how not into watching Smackdown I am tonight. Matt Striker interviews ADR backstage about Show’s racism. ADR responds, “didn’t you read the spoilers, dick? I’m winning tonight you fucking idiot. It’s on our own website. What a dipshit this guy is, huh Ric-Rod?”

– We’re back and our match is underway. Khali pretends he is still mobile and kind of shambles around doing his chops on Ziggler. Christ, Khali can’t even lift his arms to gesture to Ziggler to get up. Dolph tags in AJ who LITERALLY SKIPS CIRCLES AROUND KHALI AS HE GOES TO TAG IN NATALYA!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! Natalya gets in and exposes AJ’s secret “Michelle Tyson” abilities, as JBL puts it, and AJ bites Natties ear. Josh Mathews makes a Twilight reference. Biggie Smalls enters, beats down the Khali zombie. Hornswoggle magically appears, so Biggie Tupac’s him.

Well played!

– More Punk segments… Punk notes that Rock might think he can come back to save the people, who can rot in hell. You should probably just go watch these or read someone’s review who transcribed the whole thing. It’s really good.

– 1999 Rock and Sock connection clips…

– If you smell… hit. Well, that was early. He’s here to address CM Punk from earlier this week and today. “Finally, the Rock has come back?” Check. Eyebrow? Check. Rock’s Florida rap guy thing-a-mabob who helped ruin parts of WrestleMania last year is in the audience. Great. Rock is saddened that CM Punk didn’t show up tonight. Rock is still trying to get the “Cookie-Puss” catchphrase over. Rock wants to have fun tonight… but oh my, he is interrupted by Team Rhodes Scholars! 😀

@Charles Barkley @G: “Your PVR is broken? That’s turrible, unlike me… I’m Great!”

@G @Charles Barkley: “Wifey tastes like corn flakes? Thanks, Barks you egomaniac!”

– “Allow me to beg your indulgence for one moment. My name is Damien Sandow, and I am the savior of the unwashed masses…” and you get where this is going. They are here to correct the Rock, noting that Rock is not going to become champion, but they are. Tag champs that is. And they invite him to get out of the ring. Rock then sets up the “What” chants… calls Rhode’s mustache a Caterpillar on the lip. “Sweet tapping Jesus, what is on your face?” Sandow invites a wager with Rock. He wants to find his apprentice, and wants to see if he can answer three questions. Rock accepts… Question number one: “Who was the 19th president of the U.S.?” “Rutherford B. Hayes… bitch,” replied the Rock. Rock then implies our savior looks like the product of an Abe Lincoln/Gremlin love child. Cody asks, “What film won the Academy Award for Best Picture in 1993?” Rock replies, “Shindler’s List.” Rock then accuses Cody of being a rapist. Rock changes the rules and requests to ask the third question… “What happens when you combine a geographical aggregate of minerals with it’s lowest form?” Sand replies, “That would be, you’d get, Rock Bottom.” “Exactly,” responds The Rock. Sandow takes one, Rhodes looks concerned… eats one too. Meh, whatever. I enjoyed that. I know people have been shitting on Rock from Monday, and that’s fine. This is what ALWAYS happens when he comes back, Hamburglar.

Oh man, now I want Lego to endorse a Castlevania Lego game.

– * Handicap Match: Sheamus vs. 3MB (Mahal, McIntyre and Slater). Man, I don’t like this at all. JBL calls this unfair and that 3MB needs a couple of more people out there. Sheamus runs at them immediately and they all run out?!? The Fuck?!?! Heath runs in and is murdered by Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt’s Brogue Kick. Pin, win. Thirty seconds, maybe.

I’m sure he’s ok.

– * Non-Title Match: Team Hell No vs. The Prime Time Players. This story line is paint-by-the-numbers. PTP’s isolate the Goat, hot tag to Kane. Kane kills players. Double chokeslam attempt thwarted, but a Flying Bryan double-knees them to the face. Chokeslam on Young, pin/win. Team Hell No win. Like 2 minutes. Doctor Shelby on Monday and shit.

It’s times like this I’m glad I’m lactose intolerant.

– * World Title Last Man Standing Match: The Big Show {C} vs. Alberto Del Rio. I could give a fuck about this match since the WWE ruined it for me. I’m not going to accept the argument that the dirt sheets would have spoiled it. I make an effort to only visit sites that DO NOT RUIN THAT FOR ME. It can be done if you have half-a-brain. Fuck the WWE. Joey Styles can visit the Iron Sheik’s Twitter. You already know who won. Ric-Rod does a fantastic job announcing Del Rio, but you already knew that. J.T. is seen in the audience asleep… almost nodding off, until he realizes he is on television and snaps up with a sign declaring, “TEAM ALPHA, IT’S GO TIME!”

Ha ha, Ryu. No. Wait, what? You’re misunderstood? No, you’re just a Ken clone. I’m on team Luigi here.

– Suddenly I feel an electric shock BUZZ THROUGH MY BODY!!! “STOP COMPLAINING, AND REVIEW THE DAMN SHOW!!” my angry weekly attacker tells my convulsing body on the floor. Jorge opens my glass balcony door and steps inside muttering something about me needing to vacuum my floors more often. “Stop,” I plead, “read what’s written inside the WordPress text field of my review…” I hear mumbling as the two use their fingers to follow along the words upon my monitor screen, and something about going to dictionary dot com a few times. “They did what?!?!” shouts Jorge angrily. Joe grabs a nearby Jiffy Marker noting to Jorge, “I guess this worked last week…” He writes on my television, “What next J.T.?” A couple seconds pass… nothing… “G!” Joe yells at my near-paralyzed body on the floor (I secretly agree I need to vacuum more), “Your communication method with J.T. is not working!” “My PVR is broken,” I retort, “The time space continuum must be unavailable at this time,” I wheeze. Joe and Jorge huddle for a moment. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign, “To Titan Towers, troops!” and he literally runs out of the arena on top of people in attendance. My attackers leave as swiftly as they came.

– Meanwhile, the match is pretty fun. Very hard hitting. Lots of brutal spots with chairs, and props. ADR really works hard to take down the angry giant. After attacking the show with the steel steps, Del Rio tips over the announce table, televisions and all, to bury and defeat the Big Show.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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Survivor Naut G Returned to Wonderpod!

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