Did you buy the replay? Yes? Why? This shit’s free. Now armed with a functional PVR, I can resume my normal routine watching while I review without stumbling around looking for the streams. Don’t cross the streams. If you slip, you might get wet. Why would you try and anger water flowing, anyways? You’re just crazy. Oh wait… that’s me. So pretend you’re playing Frogger, because it’s hopping time, folks.

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– Metroplex Wrestling voice over guy tells us something about geology returning, and Armando Estrada returning to capture the coveted Nacho Hat of Glory from the worlds tallest midget, Gigantor, the space age robot.

– Seriously, it’s time for ADR’s celebration winning the title last week. Ric-Rod is all smiles and silly, in his own awesome way. Alberto wears his white suit down, because he’s a good guy now. Maybe he’ll steal his own car and take a shit in it? That’s what WWE feces do, after all. It doesn’t last long, as Dolph “Spaghetti Hair” Ziggler, AJ Styles, and Biggie Smalls are out to ruin it. The Mariachi band just stands back and watches. Biggie cuts a free style rap on Ric-Rod, it’s one line and has no rhymes. Dolph gets all threatening like, but overgrown CM Punk The Big Show is out in his hoodie. He’s got the “I’m going to kill you like Mante Te’o’s girlfriend.” But since it’s a parade, Sheamus must also come out because he “cannot resist a Fiesta Del Rio!” And all his great friends are right here! Sheepleless even reminds us of his grand-theft-auto incident, but he just wants to be super-special-best-buddies-forever and they shake each others hands and totally make out. Where’s The Ghost of Teddy Long when you need him? Oh there he is, it’s Brisk(er) Tea to party it up too. Booker tells Show if he ever touches him again, “I will ruin your day, suckah!” Of course he Booker T’s a tag match for the main event. I already feel Lance Armstronged by this. Then they all dance and shit. Then I get informed we get ANOTHER Rock concert tonight.

ARE YOU READY TO PARTY?

No caption needed.

NO.

– * Antonio Cesaro vs. Coffee Kingston. We are shown clips from Twitter where Trent Baretta totally puts over the Neon Mute as a swell guy. And then clips of the terrible moment when Ric Flair put over The Jizz on RAW and essentially gifted him the Figure Four Leg Lock. JT is seen in the audience holding up a sign proclaiming, “Wait, both of these guys are immigrants. I’m an American, who do I root for?” Cesaro and Trent Baretta’s favorite person continue to have an excellent match, with Cesaro working his stiff strong style and Kofi doing his flippy floppy stuff. Our finish comes with Kofi leapfrogging to the top turnbuckle and hopping back down to attempt hurricanrana, only to be destroyed by the Neutralizer! Cesaro retains and waves the American flag like the patriot he is. JT stands and salutes holding a sign stating, “I’ve made my choice, I’m rooting for this guy!”

– Backstage, Miz is cut down by the Colons who mock his terrible “Really?” catch phrase. Then Miz proceeds to imply all Peurto Ricans look alike mixing up Primo, Epico, and Mendez. Jorge and Joe are seen slightly off camera muttering something about aquiring a new target, douchbags, and a bass guitar.

I hate those mother fuckers. You know who you are.

– * The Mediocre Khali vs. Tensai in a “Punish the Live Crowd” Match. Natalya and Hornswoggle are at ringside, and Josh Mathews and JBL liken this show down to Optimus Prime and Megatron, and so on. I suppose if you say a lie often enough, you’ll believe it to… or so the design of WWII propagandists continually tell me. Khali wins or something. No one cares. Half the audience in the arena is now dead. And I don’t mean quiet. Nattie is smoking hot in her retro look though.

– Team Friendship are discussing how lame Cody Rhodes mustache looks. Bryan notes that some people just don’t know when their facial hair begins to ridiculous. LOL. Yes/No back and forth. Randall Keith Orton enters the scene questioning their ability to function as a tag team. Orton’s monotone delivery almost kills the segment, but Bryan saves it noting they are working through their anger issues and after they win their three man tag match tonight they will have a group hug. Randall is not much of a hugger. Bullshit. He hugged Barney that one time. I saw that on the internet and as we all know, every thing on the internet is true. That’s how auto-correct works, duh.

Randall Keith Orton and Tommy Dreamer exchange the obligatory handshake.

– * Daniel Bryan, Kane & Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes, Damien Sandow & Wade Barrett. Team Alpha shows up, and Jorge looks very conflicted. JT hops the ring barricade and they have a quick huddle. Nearby microphones pick up some of the conversation…
“We have to take out Orton!” shouts Joe.
“But it’s Team Friendship!” pleads Jorge.
“Maybe I could make a sign that says…” begins JT, but Joe immediately cuts him off, “No, priority is to keep away from Team Friendship… dammit, we’ll get him later.”
“Plus, we still have that douchebag to get to later,” adds Jorge. The group blends back into the shadows, except JT who hops back into the audience and his seat.
– Damn those ring entrances ate up a lot of time. Things start off in the faces’ favor as Kane and Bryan isolate Rhodes. Cody finally escapes to the outside as Damien Sandow and Barrett console him. The medium-sized business owner hands Cody a Barrett Barrage Energy bar, and then turns to the ring side camera and holds another bar. Just as he is about to say something, we go to commercials.

I know, I know… don’t read the comments… The Fuck?

– We return. And now Rhodes has turned the tables on Kane who is isolated in the heel’s corner. The heels all take some time on Kane, but he finally makes the hot tag to Randall Keith Orton who demolishes, venerates, and decapitates the heels. Things get a little crazy, but ultimately Orton pins Damien Sandow. The heels, well two of them, make their way backstage. Guess which one had his head cut off? Post match, the group hug ensues as a reluctant Orton is sandwiched by Team Friendship and appears disgusted by the whole thing. He proceeds to defecate in their ring bags backstage.

Dreaming of cheese burgers, I’d bet.

– Turns out the Rock concert is just that bullshit from RAW. What a waste, they didn’t even incorporate the OBVIOUS 3MB connection. Turrible. Good, I can FFW through this without guilt if breaking the review rules. I snap around 180 degrees immediately and surprise my secret weekly assailant. “You can’t do shit, buddy,” I say to him, “I’m following the rules.” He puts his hands up and backs away. Jorge is seen on my balcony dropping his head and sadly para-sailing away. “Weird,” I think, “There’s no body of water anywhere near by my place.”

@Charles Barkley @G: “Skipping wrasslin’ tonight G, got to attack a submarine.”

@G @Charles Barkley: “Is that code for gorging at Subway?”

– * The Miz vs. Primo. The match is underway as we return from break because… well… you know… ROCK CONCERT. Miz is all cocky and heeltastic, good thing he’s a bad guy because… well… you know… LOGIC. TEAM ALPHA ARE HERE, and it looks like Jorge has para-sailed all the way there! “Holy shit, that’s some impressive para-sailing!” says a sign that J.T. is holding up while running down to join them. Joe pulls out some bear mace and immediately sprays Miz in the face with it, while J.T. is giving him a wedgie Nelson Munch would be proud of. Jorge, however, is distracted, hitting on Rosa Mendez at ring side while pointing at his belt buckle.
“JORGE!!” yells Joe, “IT’S GOD OF THUNDER TIME!”
Jorge pulls an black Ibanez bass out of nowhere, plugs into his pedal board and ringside amplifier, and sets the volume to 11.
“LOW B STRING!” shouts J.T. and Joe follows up with, “The only thing that ends with “ez” that we dig, is frequencies below 320 Hz motherfucker made by Salvador Ibáñez! His workshop was destroyed in the Spanish Civil War!”
Unfortunately that history lesson gave ring side security enough time to escort Team Alpha out of the arena. Meanwhile, Primo’s cousin and Rosa attempt to distract the Miz, but the douchbag ultimately wins. Primo does get substantial time in what could have merely been a squash. This isn’t terrible, like the Miz as a whole, but you see, Salvador Ibáñez’ workshop was destroyed in the Spanish Civil War because… well… you know… pronunciamiento. Ahh, good ol’ facist dictatorships. You can’t spell dictatorship without at least 75% of “dick.”

BOOM!

– * Kaitlyn vs. Aksana. I shoot myself in the brain 13 times. Review over.

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I return from hanging with Saint Peter again. Dude’s STILL doing keg stands! What an animal. I guess they’re giving me like a 90th chance. Suckers. I don’t think they’ll ever catch on I’m not even religious! Oh shit, they brought me back just in time to watch this debacle play out. Meanwhile we are shown a clip of Eve “quitting” the WWE. Maybe one of those stray bullets missed my brain and killed the Diva’s division? Seriously, it’s fucking dead in the water. Aksana locks on her 3 minute headlock of boredom, now with an added elbow strike! Somehow she is dominating Kait-Jeremy-Lynn here. Kate-Jerry-Lynn… oh fuck it, you and I both know you give no fucks about this match. Crate-Line wins with her move thing… I think. It doesn’t matter.

– A cool music and clip package for Mick Foley being the first inductee to the 2013 WWE HOF airs. Well done. Worth a watch. It might have aired on RAW, but I FFW through that show like no tomorrow. Too long. But you already knew that.

Just another surreal moment… happens every day to someone.

– Shaky-cam Shield promo airs. It starts with the camera phone on the ground. Not the best place to leave expensive technology, but considering how rough the video is, I suspect this one has been dropped a number of times already.
“Attention WWE Universe,” begins Ambrose.
“Attention Sheamus,” follows Rollins.
“Attention Rand[all Keith] Orton,” responds Joe.
“Attention, Ryback,” mumbles Roman Reigns.
“We are the Shield,” says Rollins.
“On January 14th, The Shield crashed Mick Foley’s Hall of Fame announcement… but not for nothing. On behalf of all the broken bodies and broken dreams he left in the wake of his… Hall of Fame… career,” continues Ambrose looking disgusted.
Rollins goes on, “We spoiled the celebration in the name of justice.”
Ambrose goes on “Mick you may live in denial for the rest of your life. You may deny the responsibility for the example you set for all those would-be superstars who sacrificed their bodies for being in the name of ‘hardcore.'”
Reigns chimes in, “Either way, we hold you accountable.”
Rollins says, “Everyone is held accountable. Ryback is held accountable. And now Ryback, you want back what we took from you!”
Reigns: “What’s done is done! You’ll never get it back.”
Jorge says, “Rand[all Keith] Orton? Ha ha ha!” “Randy, there are 206 bones in the human body,” continues Ambrose, “There are 206 bones in your body… we broke one.”
J.T. holds up a sign that says, “Hold on, robots have bones?”
Reigns mumbles, “We’re just getting started…”
“And Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt?” continues Rollins, “You like to fight to fun there, fella?”
“We fight for justice,” awkwardly states Reigns.
“Ambrose”
“Rollins”
“Reigns”
“All of you,” states Ambrose, “You will believe.”
“Believe in the Shield,” from Rollins.
“ARGLE BARGLE BELIEVE IN THE SHIELD,” screams a forced Reigns.
J.T. is seen in the background holding up a sign stating, “I hate the flippy floppy guys,” and Jorge plays a sweet bass riff as we fade to Tyler Black.

– Overall, that was the best The Shield promo to date. Reigns kind of sucks in it, but the rest made up for it with their great personalities. They really need to give Reigns the Bobby Lashley “no talking” gimmick. He’s not convincing me in any way and the only thing detracting from this segment.

BWAH HA HA. Also extremely humble.

– Randall Keith Orton is seen backstage shaking his head, watching the promo while standing up like how all people watch television. Sheamus is doing the same, questions how funny this Shield thing is. Orton disagrees, he doesn’t find The Shield funny and he doesn’t need the Arseman’s help. They bicker over who will win the Royal Rumble and shit. Then they argue who has the more boring promo. It’s ruled no contest. Meanwhile I wonder if I win a prize for transcribing that entire The Shield video. Actually, I think I am getting one. It’s in the mail and it involves a self-aware train, a sci-fi cowboy with missing fingers, and one of the best re-occurring villains in modern literature. Down the rabbit hole, I suppose. Thanks Alice! Yeah that’s right, mid-review shout-outs.

Shit, that didn’t take Teddy Long.

– * Alberto Del Rio & Sheamus vs. Big Show & Dolph Ziggler. Very much a brawler with Dolph doing his best Kofi impression (or is it the other way around?. Either way, I decide to hold down the lower-case “b” button on my keyboard in honor of how mixed I am about this match. bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb. Biggie Smalls get sent to the back like Tupac to the morgue. I’d like to think both guys are free styling together with Jimi Hendrix, John Bonham, and Cliff Burton right now. That might be the best open-mic night I’ve never been to.

– The referee notifies Ziggler, who has Del Rio locked into a sleeper, that the cameras are recording again. Action picks up. Sheamus goes to the top ropes, only to be tossed to the outside by the Big Show. More of the same typical tag team stuff, but it isn’t horrible. Just too many tag matches tonight. We truly are being haunted by The Ghost of Teddy Long. A neat spot where Show stands on top of Sheamus occurs. I don’t think I’d ever want to take one of those. Sheamus hot tags ADR, who almost finishes Dolphry Ziggler. ARMBAR! Big Show breaks it up. Sheamus picks up Show for the White Noise, lands it, but can’t muster the strength… ADR uses his Shining Wizard to put Show to the side lines, and then dumps a bucket of water on the giant. Show walks away sad that he got a free shower. Count out on the legal man, ADR and Sheamus pick up the win. Balloons in the colours of Mexico fall from the rafters and explode splattering blood every where! Pennywise “The Dancing Clown” is seen running around mumbling something about “homework. J.T. holds up a sign stating, “They all float down here.”

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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