OH NO! THE ROYAL RUMBLE WAS PREDICTABLE!!?!? THE FUCK?!?!? IT’S ALMOST AS IF THE WWE HAS BEEN BUILDING UP STORIES FOR OVER A YEAR?!?!?!? Seriously, if you can’t accept the outcome, I have to call you out as not having watched wrestling during the Hogan/Macho Man Rock and Roll Wrestling era of the WWF. Just because the IWC is up in arms and joining in the Culture of Outrage, doesn’t mean shit to the WWE. Most of you steal their PPV’s anyways. They are trying to tell a long story, and most of you shit on them for fast-tracking their story-telling. And then you get off on whining about it being predictable? WTF? Think about how awesome The Lord of the Rings would have been if Frodo failed? OF COURSE HE TAKES THE RING TO MORDOR AND DESTROYS IT. Fuck. And many of these are the same people who complain about Vince Russo swerving the story all the time. GET OVER IT.

I enjoyed the 2013 Royal Rumble. With that rant out of the way, let’s see what the “E” serves up for Smackdown this week. Now this is generally a show you can take a massive dump on… but perhaps not tonight? Only one way to find out. Go Go Gadget Hopping Shoes!

Who gets buried… tonight?

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– Empire State Wrestling voice over guy runs down the last segment on RAW where Sal Herman had he job interview with Vance McArcher about his involvement with The Sponge and Bud Maltby, and the subsequent return of Brick Layer. Layer, laid out the boss with his patented Hi-5, D-Lo… too slow.

The only so-called “obvious” outcome at WM I’m not thrilled with. But since Lesnar re-upped his contract, maybe they’ll give Laser the win and have a rubber match at WM30? One can only hope not.

– ADR is seen in the parking lot pacing and clutching his baseball furies bat. Bookworm Tee is running his mouth off about the Elimination Chamber match for Smackdown with his selected wrestlers: Randall Keith Orton, The Mediocre Khali, Daniel Bryan, Kane, Sheamus and The Ghost of Teddy Long. WTF? It’s Jack Sthwagger! He’s back, and bearded. It’s the American Way! Or so we’re told. He demands to be put in the EC match, but Bookworm demands he earns his spot. Dolph Ziggler is at ringside with AJ and Biggie Smalls, and laughs off bothering to put himself the brutality of the EC since he’s got his MitB briefcase and walks out while Bookworm calls him a chicken… and that he will still face Alberto Del Rio tonight. Then the GM tells us he’s kicking this show off with a bang… TAG TEAM ACTION, playah, hollah…

– I think it’s cruel and unusual punishment to put Khali in one of the EC pods, let alone, make him stand there for god knows how long. It’s even more cruel to force the audience watch it. Imagine the size of the Swiffer-Picker-Upper you’d need to clean up all the dust from his exploding knees? Actually, come to think of it, I’d like to see Hornswoggle carrying one of those around with him when those two come down to the ring to help me tell the two apart.

The WWE really is international, isn’t it?

– * Daniel Bryan & Kane vs. Sin Cara & Rey Mysterio. This must be JT’s of BWF Radio, as he is seen in the front row holding a sign up claiming, “This is made of rubber. The Flip, the Flop, and you don’t stop!” He hates the bouncy guys. Not me! This is a fun bout, and worth a look. Mysterio seems to be back in good form (or hides it well), sticking it to Kane. The Bryan is tagged in, and draped into the prone 619 position but comes to in time to exit the ring and shout “No!”. That was clever. We return, and Sin Cara and D-Bry are putting on one hell of a show. Bryan gets his surfboard stretch spot in briefly, and tags in former dentist who was a burn victim by fake diesel fuel. Poor guy, and now he’s got his sights set on the lucha libre. Cara gets a hot tag to Rey Rey who has another shot at the 619 on Bryan, BUT NO! He runs into a chokeslam attempt! NO!!! Reversal, but the legal American Dragon snaps a No Lock onto Mysterio, Cara breaks it up, splashes Kane, Mysterio finally hits the 619 and the pin… and the win. And Team Friendship yell at each other outside the ring. Great match!

Wait for it…. wait for it….

– Duct tape clips are shown. Red Green fully endorses this. Mutt Streaker asks the ever-pacing, bat-carrying, ADR if he is awaiting The Big Show. No shit, huh. I thought he was on deck and no one told him MLB is in the off season.

– * Great Khali vs. Jinder Mahal (from Calgary… Alberta, India). We are mistreated with clips from Khali Karaoke on RAW. That was god awful. So is this match. It’s a small gourd. Khali goes over as Hornswoggle vacuums up the remains of his knees.

– Team Rhodes Scholars is dissolved. And of their own volition, according to them. They’ve opted to remain friends but walk their roads alone. It’s a pretty slick little promo, and then they hug, but Booker T shits all over the two because Be A Star. I appreciated that. I also went on the record a couple times following their loss to Team Friendship at The Royal Rumble, noting the tag division has become irrelevant. Oh well, easy come, easy go. It is a shame, but if they are not putting the straps on TRS, there is no point for them to be together. Both guys can shine as singles stars, no reason to mire in the fens. J.T. is seen in the audience with a teardrop tattooed below his left eye.

“That’s the weirdest sign he has ever held up,” I think to myself out loud to I presume no one.

Immediately, and with surprise, my head is slammed into my computer desk 5.23 times!

“OWWW!!” I think quietly in my head, “What did you do that for!?!?!”

I turn to face my returning secret assailant. “No reason,” he whispers loudly into my face, “I hadn’t done that in a while, and felt nostalgic.”

Jorge of BWF Radio infamy is seen outside my balcony holding up a sign which reads: “He did it for the Rock. Well, actually me. I have herpes? What was that all about you dick?!? You think J.T. is the only person who can write on a sign, you asshole? Can you believe I fit ALL of this onto a sign, anyways?”

Jorge then gets onto three-story high stilts and meanders away, as I wonder how I deciphered smeared feces on that sign into English. Probably used Google Translate, I suspect reading this back. Don’t know… I suffered a concussion from that attack.

Glad you waited…. except it’s Mason Ryan now. What am I saying? What could I be referring to? Fucked if I know, bubba. Built like a brick shit Hoss.

– Even MORE clips of the Heyman/McMahon stuff air. It helps, since I’ve already forgotten that they showed this 45 minutes ago due to post-concussion related trauma. This time around, Vince performs Sub Zero’s finishing move from Mortal Kombat and picks up the FATALITY!!! SWERVE!!! FUCK THE STORYLINE WE’VE BEEN BUILDING UP TO ALL YEAR!! PUT YOSHI TATSU OVER BROCK TOO!!! (On a side note, I do like Yoshi Tatsu, just saying). We are shown Vince being wheeled out on a stretcher board as a sad faced Stephers looks concerned, and the graphic tells us it’s a WWE.com exclusive. But it’s on TV. So, exactly how is this “exclusive” to their website. I re-concuss myself as opposed to trying to understand this.

Randall Keith Orton cannot hide from Team Alpha.

– We get more, yes MOAR!, clips of Royal Rumble with Cena pointing at the WrestleMania NYNJ sign. Now, I’m not an expert on the ancient roman numbering system, playah, hollah… But can someone fill me in on the values of NYNJ? I’m pretty sure of one of two things. Either it’s the 29th WM, or my math teacher was a total fucking liar.

Teaching poodles to fly?

– * Sheamus vs. Damien Sandow. Sadly, the outcome here is predetermined. Because wrestling is totally realz. I just hope they give Sandow a solid showing with Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt tonight… I really felt liked they jobbed Damien out on RAW. Sandow returns to his darting, and ring hopping ways early, exploiting the rules like a smart heel should. Good! Hey, they even let him land his Cubito Aequet, and that makes me smile! But Sheamus, the King of Selling, will not succumb to this charade (albeit the People’s Elbow is sure fucking more powerful now? THQ needs to update that move’s power in WWE’13, me thinks). As the pale bastard teaches the kids at home to count, it’s time for us to battle injustice. I agree. Sheamus turns his attention to Ambrose, Rollins, and Mumbles as they invade the ring! Team Beta apply inverted sunscreen lotion to “it” which causes Sheamus’ skin to actually burn without being exposed to Earth’s star, and then Triple Bomb him back to Ireland where he can pick up some new generic Irish stereotypical lines about arses to be used in future promos. Good. I guess Sheamus wins via DQ from interference.

@Charles Barkley @G: “Did you see me trying to show that weather honkey where the Phoenix Coyotes would be relocating?”

@G @Charles Barkley: “I don’t think he’s ever heard of Seattle…”

– * Wade Barrett vs. Randy Orton. Backstage, Team Alpha is seen trading money for Barrett Barrage Energy Bars with the Medium Sized Business owner.

“Do you think this will work?” asks Joe.

“These are tasty, and really bring out the herpes on my lips,” notes Jorge.

“Just follow my lead,” retorts Wade, “You guys need to attack on my signal.”

“Ok, you wanker,” quips Joe, “We’ve got your back.”

“Yeah,” replies Jorge, “We’ll be the guys giving HIM the souvenir!”

“I don’t call my finisher that anymore, wanker.” responds this big Brit.

– Meanwhile, Barrett goes hard and super-dicks it right to Randall Keith Orton early. Yeah, you read the right. If you don’t get it, come back later. I’ll divulge the “rules” to my Smackdown reviews once in a while. Let’s just say it involves James Storm of TNA. Or… check the BWF Radio archives like the Astroboy cartoon show to figure out what it means.

Shut up internet. You should be happy for this, if nothing else. This was so telecasted, and you say you are shocked? Fucking culture of outrage, enough. The IWC rules. Don’t get me wrong. But most of us steal the fucking show anyways. They’re in it to make money. Fuck.

– Orton, gets back into assault mode, and attempts his draping DDT spot. Barrett will have none of it, and tosses him into a steel ring post, tries to land his Bull Hammer, but hits the post himself! Oops. This super-charges the Robot, and Orton picks up the win. After the Viper leaves… and Barrett is greeted by Team Alpha.

“Guess you shouldn’t have called us wankers,” says Jorge.

“Actually, he only called you a wanker,” notes Joe.

Jorge stops and angrily glares at Joe for a moment. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign, “Getting shot in the eye is far worse than CM Punk losing the title.” All tensions are immediately lessened because it’s still real to me.

– Wade Barrett is interviewed backstage momentarily, but spots Bo Dallas. So naturally he goes to attack him and lays out the rookie. He’s got some seriously wet hair.

– * Coffee Kingston vs Jack Swagger. Ahh… back to this. Interesting. Swagger’s beard and new look is a wee bit rugged. I choose to step back from being a dick, and reassess a former WWE champion (now with less Eagle). I think that if the idea was to repackage Ol’ Swags here… they fucked up. He still is rocking the basic same ring gear, and the commentators are stuck on the All American American American American, from America American. Sure, he has a beard now, and Christian Slater “Pump Up the Volume” hair-do from 1990 (love that film). Nonetheless, his in ring work is still solid and he submits Kofi with the Ankle lock. But it still feels the same. Not sure… just not sure… will give him the benefit of the doubt though. Wish he dropped the lisp.

– Out in the parking lot, ADR runs around looking for Big Show who leaves a WWE bus… but his stealth tactics do not go unnoticed by Rio. Show forgot to duck, and shows up on ADR’s Ric-Radar. They destroy some cars and shit, and I realize the baseball bat is actually a steel pipe, like it matters. Show attempts to escape and successfully hits the “Y” button on an idling car nearby. Is that the “triangle” button for PS3 users in GTA? I don’t know. What I really don’t understand is why people leave their cars running in San Diego. It’s not like it gets cold there. AND don’t even try to tell me it “does.” Fuck you, I live in Canada. I ran over a ground hog tonight. He was holding up a sign in the audience saying “More Winter, G.” Not anymore, roadkill. Apparently that groundhog rose from the dead and turned Amish. Who knew?

So I guess everyone is Christopher Daniels now.

– Ric-Rod is told by ADR to not worry about tonight’s match, even though the trooper is walking beside his buddy with his Mexican bucket of KFC, and donning a neckbrace. ADR goes solo to the ring, and Ric-Rod probably sneaks off to talk to his pal El Local who will appear next week on NXT against the technically challenged Xavier Woods of former TNA fame. Turns out he kept the discman and pager that Dixie Carter gave him to sign there, after all… wait, what?

Why did I leave NJPW? Why did I leave NJPW? Why did I leave NJPW? ….

* Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler. Whoop-dee-do. Actually this should be good… I let my brain bleed more due to previous concussions as I search for a safety helmet online. Why, oh why, does I dos dit to mern bramklaukkafhkghkhg….. Actually, it’s because it’s headlock time, so I revert into post match analysis. J.T. is seen holding up a sign that is blank. Hmm… Biggie Smalls grabs said sign and rips it to shreds, because Wellness Policy. He is ejaculated from ring side. Commercials.

Didn’t think that one out, huh? Good work, retard. See you in jail. And by “see” I mean me watching you on that shitty show that leads into Impact on Spike, fucktard.

– Commercials allow me to contact my local health authorities. They tell me that fictional assaults causing head trauma are not covered by Canadian Health Care. I send Team Alpha after them. ADR punished Ziggler, and sets him up for a top rope suplex, which he hits, as AJ emotes at ring side over the solid spot. Even after that spot, Zigomanis (www.boredhockeyfan.com) denies his attack, and manages to attack and return to the dance. Back and forth we go, as both men do an excellent job main eventing our show. A perfect dropkick via Ziggler on a flying ADR keeps the man in the game, but ADR survives with an armbar to submit the man with spaghetti hair and a beaten up briefcase. Big Show appears on the Trinatron who has abducted Ric-Rod and tells ADR to remain in the ring or he will murder El Local. Any more backstage assaults will result in the death of the personal ring announcer, and then he WMD’s the abducted for good measure. ADR calls for the doctor as…

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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