I’ve read the matches (non-spoiler version) ahead of time, and kill… me… now. This does not look good, people. There’s one or two on the card that look passable. But I must warn you, there will be much FFW content on this debacle. Unless you like immobile big guys that can’t really do anything in the ring. If that’s the case, enjoy! Not me, though. Ugghhh… It is hopping time… more like skipping time. Oh well, maybe they’ll make up for it with a whimsical Hornswoggle and Natalya cover of “Dueling Banjos” using flatulance instead of the five string percussive chording hybrid of an instrument? Fuck.

Hopping time, folks….

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– Friends is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

– Hart Legacy Wrestling voice over guy leaves, unpaid and angry. On the way out, he shouts something about the Shield Squad featuring Deany!, Sethro Tull, and Mumbley Joe being sent back to OVW in a crate since they’re facing Jonathan Coachman, Photo-Sheamshop and Ry-youtube or some crap. Alberta Delaware Rio-She-Dances-On-The-Sand and Ric Flair have both been suspended because of attacking Bagpipe Show. Drew McIntyre is seen backstage with 3MB sobbing that there was no gimmick needed Paul E. Whiteshly, and he’s certainly more Scottish. Mike Myers appears as Fat Bastard and suddenly it all makes sense. We’re told that the WWE is also inducting “Scott Hall” this year, claiming he is “obviously” more “Scott-ish… hic… derp” than McIntyre. Meanwhile Tiffany calls it right down the line in TNA… a line that Hall himself cannot walk. Turns out I can cross it though. Like two “X’s” on the back of my hands. I grab a beer.

If you don’t love this, you suck.

– The WWE logo comes up with a bunch of superstars, and David Otunga for some reason. The voice over guy ponders which wrestlers will impress Breakdancer T to earn a spot in the Elimination Chamber of Horrors. Also, what was up with Big Show’s hotel experience from RAW.

– We immediately cut to a WWE bus, and some guy pops out before Big Show to check the O.R., you like it so far? Check the O.R., you love the O.R. Cue the opening song…

– Big Show is in the ring noting that “Things around here are completely unacceptable” and the double standards that because he is not popular he has to be treated unfairly? Be A Star WWE Universe! Show calls BS on people cheering the face champion for being a criminal. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign saying, “Didn’t ADR cut this same promo after Sheamus took a dookie in his car a couple months ago?” Show is on point here, in his usual awesome ways, calling ADR a “Mexican Clint Eastwood.” Also, Booker T must be held accountable for this happening on his watch all because of jealously. Booker comes out demanding to know what his problem is, and Show retorts and demands to know how Del Rio knew his hotel accommodation. He alludes that T or one of his cronies gave out the information. T points out a seven foot tall giant is going to have a tough time hiding his location. Booker books Show into a match with Kane. Kill me now. Show flips out, having no time to prepare. Great segment, too bad the match will be slow and plodding and cause the reversal of the time continuum.

If she used force jump immediately after this, I’d consider watching tennis.

– * Cody Rhodes vs. Kofi Kingston. Coffee is a good match up for Cody, and looks to grab an early win… but to no avail. Rhodes picks up momentum and lands a Cross-Rhodes. I think this match was maybe 3 minutes… too short. Much too short. Oh well, it leaves more time to show RAW clips of the tensions between Team Friendship.

– Daniel Bryan and Kane meet backstage, and Bryan asks for forgiveness for his interference on RAW, and feels that they should still be friends. Kane agrees. Bryan notes he should be out at ringside with Kane for his match tonight because it will mess with Big Show’s head. Kane has heard enough, and tells him to not utter another word. It’s a great segment, actually.

…

– More RAW clips from two weeks ago of Brock Lesnar F5’ing McMahon, and JBL calls it “the most disturbing thing he has ever seen.” Really? Not even the Mass Transit incident in ECW? Speaking of “really?” and “ECW”, clips from last Monday’s RAW and Miz TV are shown with Paul Heyman, Vickie Guerrero, and the Last Big Thing, Brock Lesnar are shown. It didn’t include Lesnar throwing the director’s chair onto the Miz outside the ring which was hilarious. Then Sammartino HOF clips and the video from Monday. Yay! Original content for all! Don’t get me wrong, I love the Bruno history package. I don’t mind seeing that again. I won’t mind seeing it multiple times.

– * Mediocre Khali vs. Titus O’Neil. Khali enters in a cloud of smoke with Hornswoggle and Natalya. Oh wait that’s dust. ‘Swogs immediately puts on a HazMat suit and begins isolating regions of the arena screaming at the audience to not inhale the fumes. He breaks the glass in a nearby box, and outcomes Goldberg! Goldberg goes into Kirby-mode, and clears the arena of the dangerous gasses emitted from Khali’s knees and mentioning something about this being his favorite part of his own entrance pyro when he was still active. Actually we get a commercial break. J.T. is seen at ringside, with a gasmask, holding up a sign, “Stop lying, G. That totally happened. You fucking liar.”

Umm….

– We return, and Titus will have no entrance as Khali is slapping his chest. That’s his move. Booker T and The Ghost of Teddy Long are seen standing backstage watching on TV and evaluating the two men’s performances for consideration of being entered in the EC matchup. NO! NO! NO! Khali swats down Titus in record time and does his best Roman Reigns impression with the win. Time to have sex with Mae Young folks! That’s right, Mark Henry is here! First he murders Titus O’Neil some more, tossing his broken corpse into the ringside barricade. Then he wipes his feet on the apron, and enters to face the immobile Khali. Henry pretends that Khali is actually good at wrestling, selling some argle-bargle spots, then picks up the former Indian police officer (bet he was easy to out-run, huh?) and casually slams him down.

– Mark Henry is now on the microphone talking in his angry way about destroying Daniel Bryan, Rey Mysterio, and Sin Cara on RAW. He blames Booker T since he assembled an elite group of World Champions but left out Mark Henry. It was a critical mistake to leave out The World’s Strongest Man. Henry calls out Booker T to come out and address this, or he will destroy the entire Smackdown roster. Out comes Booker (he’s getting called out for a Manager of General Managing General Mismanagement or what ever he tried to say on Monday). Henry essentially demands to be put in the EC match. But Booker tells him he will have to face Randy Orton to make this happen.

@Charles Barkley @G: “Did you know on this day in 1986, Spud Webb won the slam dunk competition? It’s because I let him.”

@G @Charles Barkley: “I did, Barks. I was nine. It was like the most awesome thing I ever saw in basketball at that point.”

– Backstage Big Show is seen yelling at the bus guy from earlier and putting on his ring gear. Show mutters something as he leaves the parking area, and ADR saunters around from off camera smirking. I guess this match is up next. Great. Not watching this at…. BAM!!! Baseball bat to the back of my head! “T-ball, bitch,” notes my secret weekly assailant, “or should I say ‘G-ball’?”.

“Dude!” I stammer, “How many head injuries do I have to sustain writing these god damn reviews? I do enjoy damage to myself on a daily basis.”

“Remember that scene in The Untouchables?” my attacker questions, “Review the damn match or I’ll find a way to put Joe Pesci in this movie…”

“Fine, I’ll watch it, but I’m getting some more alcohol,” I comply, “I’ll do one of those post match recaps…”

But he’s already gone, like Zack Ryder’s push. Jorge may or may not have been on my balcony this week as we do not know at this time if he can make the weekly BWF Radio show. What i do know, is that there is a flaming paper bag on the concrete outside. I just let it burn. It still burns… That’s your metaphor, Captain Obvious, for this match.

Truth.

AND THEN:

Immediately the internet responds…

– * Big Show vs. Kane. Kane kicks things off early with a Shining wizard, then backflips onto the top turnbuckle and immediate back onto Big Show with a twisting 540 frog splash. Not to be outdone, Big Show reverses into a surfboard stretch on the Big Red Monster, then tosses him 4,500 feet into the air, teleports above him and drops into a fiery spinning reversed DDT into a pool of snakes and snapping turtles. Actually Show pretty much just punches Kane out with a WMD. Then ADR calls out Show to the parking lot. Show discovers that ADR has facetastically stolen all of Big Show’s bus’s tires and placed it on cinder blocks. Then ADR dumps orange paint from above on show. Then ADR is seen atop a towtruck telling him he knows a guy who can give him a tow. He’s a face, folks. He’s the new John Cena. Fuck.

So it would appear that fucks were given that day for this guy.

– * Jack Swagger vs. Justin Gabriel. Sthwager gets a promo in a box about being a real American, which I’m told a real American takes what he wants. Too easy. Just too easy. Fellow oppressor of indigenous people, Justin Gabriel has been recently allowed out on probation for his involvement in apartheid. No mention of his crimes of murder as his identity as a sparkly werewolf remain a secret. Did I?…. oops. It doesn’t matter, because Swagger is here to kill him. Gabriel flips and flops around a bit, and J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign with an animated gif on it featuring the opening part of the Itchy and Scratchy Show (how the fuck did he do that). Swagger also joins the short match list as he quickly submits Gabriel with the “Patriot Act” or Angle Lock.

Love it.

– Cut to Brodus Clay and Natalya reading to kids in continuation of the WWE’s push to encourage literacy with their “Reading Superstar” and “WrestleMania Reading Challenge” program. I can’t make fun of this, sorry. If I did, it would go against me posting text-based content online, and that would be fucking stupid.

At least somebody gets Cena’s jokes, because I sure as hell don’t.

– Fandango teaser video. Why? And by that, I mean, why debut this guy so close to WrestleMania? It’s almost as bad as… oh, here’s the unannounced match Joe was referring to on facebook earlier this week.

– *Tensai vs. Drew McIntyre (w/ 3MB). Great. McIntyre starts off looking strong, and then 3MB interfere. DQ win for Tensai as Brodus Clay runs out to defend his chunky dancing buddy. Great. They clear the ring and I stab my brain with a nearby pencil. Nope, still alive. The Flockadactyls get into the ring too, Brodus’ music plays and yes, the new dancing team of Clay/Albert is officially on TV.

– * Antonio Cesaro vs. Sin Cara. Sigh. Cesaro comes out waving the American flag like a good Swiss patriot. Then he gets to work early, but the match is under the blue/yellow lights of Cara… so… Nope, Cesaro is beating the bejesus out of the little lucha. Sin Cara turns it around and hits a number of technical spots we haven’t seen out of him to date, including one that almost resembles a Canadian Destroyer, but into a pin attempt. Too bad for Cara though, since matches are only allowed to be 3 minutes tonight, and Cesaro tosses him into the air and lands his brutal European uppercut spot for the win.

There is no maybe.

– Backstage Stik Matter interviews Randy Orton about binary code. Something about Henry being… yawn. I don’t know. Injury this, injury that. Put him back on the shelf. My brain crashed trying to download that promo. Had to reboot.

– Backstage Stik Matter interviews The Miz about getting his ass handed to him on RAW by Lesnar. Miz recites his lines about facing the baddest wrestlers on WWE over the last few years, and standing up to them. But then when he faced Lesnar, he saw something in his eyes he couldn’t understand. Cesaro interrupts Mikey! and says he loves America since it’s the only place someone can get destroyed and come back and whine about it. Miz decides he is going after the US title and attacks Cesaro for being honest.

Being dead means the flow of blood to the brain stops. Therefore, The Crazy Taker’s actions here are justified and rational. That bottle of water said things… terrible things…

– Shield recap with all the crap related to RAW. Fuck this show. Seriously. FFW. We’re shown some post-RAW footage with Cena calling out The Shield with his pals Sheamus and Ryback. “Justice gets served.” This can’t end well.

– * Randy Orton vs. Mark Henry. Backstage we see Team Alpha.

“What do we got planned for Orton this week, Joe?” asks Jorge.

“Not much,” Joe replies, “Our new buddy Mark Henry should be able to take out this garbage.”

J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign wisely observing, “Yeah fuck this episode. Glad I got in on the seat-filler gig.”

– They waste a bunch of time coming down to the ring. As you can tell, I’m THRILLED about this contest. The two go outside of the ring early. Henry grabs Orton’s face a bit, and then Henry gets tossed into a steel post. The steel post spot, it’s like the new worked punch in the WWE this week, huh? Speaking of worked punches, Orton take one seated upon the top rope to the outside. He then stands on his chest. Yawn… Yawn… Yawn… then Henry locks on the Vulcan death grip. Backstage, Joe, Jorge, and J.T. are seen drinking coffee out of over-sized mugs, and Jorge offhandedly asks, “which one of us is fucking Rachel this week?”. The other two shrug. World’s Strongest Slam, Orton is killed and his internal coolant fluid spreads across the mat like the java spilled from Team Alpha after they clinked cups and Joe accidently spilled some of his drink on one of Central Perk’s tables. They all share a laugh and…

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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