Oh hey, Smackdown is on again. Do YOU know what that means?

YES!

I see. Hopping time, then.

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– The back of the jar of pasta sauce lists the ingredients, to kick off the show. Kojak sends a memo to Chicken Alfredo by gnawing off the foot of his personal trainer, Rigatoni Ravioli, while Kojak’s own man servant reads poetry aloud, donning a beret and snapping to the beat. Sunblock used their UV rating to their advantage, laying out Oompah Loopahs and Albinos alike, until professional eating champion joined The Sunblock’s victims.

As silly as the Pancake Patterson segment was, it gave us this.

– Miz TV, like WWE voice over guy, is back. And his guests are Randall Keith Orton and Sheamus. Joe and Jorge are seen backstage plotting and scheming.
“Do we have to sprint down to the ring again, Joe,” asks Jorge.
“No,” replies Joe, “That didn’t work out so well for us last week. We’ll get Orton during his match later”
– Back in the ring Sheamus and Orton discuss the finer points of having the Big Show on their team. Then Miz calls Show out to join the “talk” show. Show notes that he doesn’t like either of them, but working together should be a force that can take out Team Beta, The Shield. The unlikely trio bicker and fight, until Booker T comes out and books them all into a six man tag match.
“Joe, how did you know that was going to happen?” asks Jorge, backstage.
“A little ghost told me,” replies Joe, pointing at the apparition known as Teddy Long to mortals.

Unreal. Check out ThinkSoJoE’s tribute to Marty’s third career goal here.

– * Zack Ryder vs. Mark Henry. Before the match starts, we throw to the announce team that has been rejoined by JBL who has returned from conquering Mt. Doom and has cast the one ring into the depths of the abyss. This match, on the other hand, is mercifully short as Mark Henry eats Ryder with a World’s Strongest Slam. Post match he gives him another two for good measure. Ryback, of course, comes out in a fit a jealousy that Henry is stealing his jobber-squashing gimmick. The two men collide, and Henry is taken down by a clothesline. Heeltastically, Henry rolls out, walks off, and points at the WM sign.

– Backstage, The Ghost of Teddy Long admits to booking the Ryback/Henry match. Booker is irate that Vickie announced it on Monday Night RAW, telling the spectre that he works FOR Booker. Playah? I thought I worked WITH you. Booker is even more angry. J.T. is seen streaking behind them waving his junk around. Not even that can make the two chuckle. Booker is THAT mad.

Happens to J.T. every week. Dude totally munched popcorn and drank whiskey with my bro.

– We’re reminded that eBook T is also being inducted into the WWE HOF, because it still burns. And he has promised The Ghost of Teddy Long, that he is coming for him ni…. umm…. yeah. Part of that infamous line IS in the clip package.

– I return from switching my over my laundry three floors down in my apartment building. SNAP! I hear as my left leg immediately bursts into pain as a bear-trap tears into my flesh, right to the fucking bone. “Good thing that wasn’t my right side,” I think, “Because that’s not a leg, that’s my penis.” I notice written in blood on the wall, “Don’t slack off… review the damn show. This time it was your pet hamster, next time it’s you.”
“NOOO!!!!” I cry holding the corpse of my precious little friend in my arms… then realize I don’t even have a pet hamster. Then I realize this dead hamster is actually my neighbor, Ted, who just moved in yesterday. Easy come, easy go I suppose. I notice Jorge on my balcony using my BBQ again. He notices I returned, and jumps onto the water slide I recently installed and into the shadowy depths of the night.

– * Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ Biggie Smalls and A-Jay-Z). A-Jay-Z has joined commentary and talks about Beyonce, buoyancy, Oingo Boingo and the Kofi bounces down to the ring on his in typical rubber patented Pogoball (wait, what! Bitch stole my segment!). Kofi dominates until we hit a commercial break. The fuck? No one got tossed out of the ring? We return and both guys are just going bezerk in the ring, bumping massively for each other in high risk spots and telling a fantastic story. Ultimately it culminates with Biggie Smalls taking a top rope crossbody outside the ring via Kofi, and then Kofi getting pinned after a ZigZag. Then Langston hits his finishing move, whatever the fuck it’s called, on Coffee post match because he prefers Green Tea laced with steroids.

– We’re reminded of Jericho’s mockery of Fran-Drescher-Go on RAW. Next up will be more clips of the CM Punk/Undertaker program. J.T. is seen in a commercial holding up a sign for the WWE App that shows a video about never being allowed to go to the bathroom ever again.

@Charles Barkley @G: “Remember when I was on the animated version of Clerks? I thought it was turrible they canceled that show.”

@G @Charles Barkley: “Yeah, that was pretty cool. ThatDamnDoubleC reminded me of that while I was reviewing Smackdown last week. TV networks suck a dick like that sometimes.”

– Then another little bit of Orton, Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt, and Show squabbling. Orton is playing the “voice of reason” between the three. Maybe Orton is making a personality turn? Nah… once a Cylon, always an RTD2.

I don’t know why this kid was one of my favorite parts of Impact this week, but it was.

– * Chris Jericho vs. Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Coulter). “My fellow Americans, welcome to Jack Swagger’s America,” begins Jack as he passes the microphone to Coulter. I hate to call it typical, but what we hear is. The match gets the double segment treatment, and for good reason… it’s great! There’s far too many spots to describe, and a kick out of The Patriot Act and then send Swagger to the outside. Fandango’s music hits and the Dancer does his thing with the unnamed lady to distract Jericho. Swagger takes advantage to cheap shot Jericho, BUT NO! Near spots come in abundance as finishers are teased, but a Fandango ultimately hits a cheap shot that allows a Swaggerbomb to the Canadian as Swagger picks up the win. Fandango meanders into the ring post match, and beating upon Y2J shouting, “What’s my name!” Fandango goes to the top rope and legdrops Jericho, then grabs the microphone, inhaling the ‘A’s’ stating “It’s Fuck… Ding… Go….”.

With all the cat gifs on the internet, FINALLY, someone got it right in relation to wrestling.

– Rekcirts Ttam interviews Big Show. Blah blah blah trust each other.

– More Cena/Rock package shit. Fecal matter everywhere.

– Team Rhodes Scholars are in the ring, and Rhodes introduces the team with the Bella Twins on their arms. It’s an ugly sight.

SILENCE! My best friend Cody Rhodes and I, are more than proud to introduce to you… the class of the diva’s division… The two women with enough beauty and intelligence to accompany the Team Rhodes Scholars, Nikki and Brie, The Bellas. You’re welcome!

That promo was unfortunately ruined by the Bellas. Didn’t even deserve quotation HTML code in Word Press. The Funkadactyls dance down with Brodus Clay and Sweet T, Sweet T is wearing a coon-skin cap. Did the Bellas get matching boob-jobs? What is this?

I suspect someone’s a smartass. A funny smartass too.

– Dog Gammit, I have the worst head ache tonight, it’s affecting my reviewing. Someone stabbed my brain with a protractor while I tried to make a perfect circle in math class. I think it was that new kid, Maynard James Keenan.

– * Rhodes Scholars vs. Brodus Clay & Sweet T. This match is a joke. The teams fight for a few seconds until the Bellas try to get involved. Then the Funkadactyls attack them outside. The men get involved, and the match is rule no contest or DQ for Brodus/T. Brodus’ music plays, ahh… fuck, whatever. Not worth the time.

Bubbles of the Trailer Park Boys was a huge Nation of Domination fan as a kid.

– Rekcirts Ttam interviews Sheamus and Orton if they are on the same page. Sheamus tells us they are. Pointless. This time J.T. runs through in the background clubbing seals in honor of Sir Paul McCartney. It’s what he would have wanted.

– * Non-Title Match: Antonio Cesaro {C} vs. The Miz. This crap again, and not even for the belt? Medium Sized business owner, Wade Barrett is on commentary discussing with JBL about the opportunity to invest in Barrett Barrage Energy Inc., that now offers a new flavor: “J.T.’s Home Made Baby Seal Seasoning.” JBL tells him to ship him a comp package, as his recent visit to Mt. Death has given him a new appreciation for murder. He also asks if they still offer the soap-rape flavor. Wade leaves commentary. There was a match? Yes, there was. Two minutes or so long. Terrible, though, as Miz submits Cesaro with the Figure Five Indian-Leg-Wrestling. Then Miz and Wade look at each other intimately and discuss their future together in another match I don’t give a fuck about at WM29. God damn, I really am not feeling the Showcase of the Immortals this year. Hopefully JBL finds a way to climb Mt. Olympus and murder the Zeus, Athena, Ares, and all those other fuckers booking this fucking shit. Did I mention that I have a headache? I tried drinking it away, now I’m just drunk and all J.T. like. Speaking of which, J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign requesting, “Hey G, pass me a shot of vodka, brother, dude, brother.” I try and shatter my television. FUCK! I guess only using the Jiffy marker filled with the ink of lies works can travel through time and space that way, not shots of vodka. “Fuck!” I scream at my television and hurl it off my balcony and accidently hit Jorge on the concrete below. I suppose I should’ve remembered to install the pool that water slide connected to. Oh well. Sorry Jorge.

SWERVE!

– * Randy Orton, Sheamus & Big Show vs. 3MB.
“Lock and load time?” asks the newly dead Jorge.
“Yep, this has to work,” retorts Joe and pushes a button. J.T. is seen sprinting down to the ring as Randall Keith Orton makes his way out to the ring strewing cheeseburgers and fish meals everywhere. The Randall-Bot begins to pick up his prize, BUT THE BIG SHOW STEALS ALL OF THE McDONALD’S FOOD FROM ORTON!!!
“NOOO!!!!” Screams the corpse of Jorge backstage. Joe is seen spraying Lysol into the air.
“Dude, you’re already decomposing,” mutters Joe, “Fuck Rigamortis brings forth quite the stench. Why the fuck is a dead guy able to talk?”
“Remember in Romeo and Juliet when Paris noted “Oh, I am slain! If thou be merciful,. Open the tomb. Lay me with Juliet. PARIS. (he falls) Oh, I’ve been killed!”?”, answers mortal coil victim Jorge. He continues, “HOW THE FUCK CAN SOMEONE WHO IS DEAD TELL US HE IS DEAD WHEN HE’S DEAD?”
“So you’re alive then?” asks Joe.
“G is drunk, and has a bitch of a head-ache,” replies Jorge, “I’m probably at home playing one of my bass guitars and thinking about making Alice of Rational Wrestling Review Dot Com chortle her drink out of her nose, or maybe signing up for facebook. I hear facebook is really awesome and I want to join all my fellow zombies.”

J.T. Miller Undresses Ellis With An Awkward Deke.

– J.T. is seen holding up multiple signs in the audience, like out of that Bob Dylan video from before we were all born:
“Back to drinking whiskey and munching popcorn in the seats”
“Zombies and dead people don’t have the ability to talk. Hey look! G bought us both more vodka shots! Sweet!”
“The McDonald’s plan didn’t work.”

Joe is sign backstage holding up a sign saying: “I don’t know what the fuck is going on anymore. I bet my cousin is pretty confused right now too.”

Joe’s cousin is seen beside Joe in studio on Sunday, at 2 PM EST on BWF Radio, holding up a sign that says, “… umm …. is this G guy always on this many drugs?”

– It’s kind of a fun bout, as the quasi-faces try to one up each other performing their partners moves on the 3MB. Math professor, Big Show even teaches kids how to count at home to spite his fella, fella. The three collaborate to destroy 3MB with Sheamus picking up the win with a Brogue Kick to Calgary… Alberta, India’s own Jinder Mahal. Then Team Beta’s music hits, and The Shield make their way out. They stand in the aisles watching and munch some popcorn with J.T. and G and do some shots of vodka. Then they hit the ring, swarming it and looking for an opening. There is no opening.

Fuck right side jacket pockets. They’re over-rated, anyways. Dick.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!

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Listen LIVE starting at 2 PM EST here. here on Mixlr.com.
Check out BWF Radio every week. It goes up on i-Tunes on Sunday in the late afternoon of North America
Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

A go to place for professional wrestling, boxing, MMA, and other combat sports news, rumors, podcasts and so forth. Always a nice place to get your fix, or simply learn more about the performers and athletes themselves. They are one of our go to resources for news and information for BWF Radio, and we wouldn’t have it any other way to share our content with them. Great site!

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WTF?

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Why is this section even here? What could it mean? Will Joe even notice? So many questions, none of which I will ever answer.

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Shameless Plugs!

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