Normally I end my intro blah’s with “hopping time” or some variation of such. Nope. Not so much this week.

See, See? You killed him.

Gravity wins again. It’s falling down time smarks, hit the link below. I get progressively angrier and jaded during this review. Maybe it’s just this week, maybe it’s not. The ball is in the WWE’s court on this one…

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question. And this week is NO FUCKING EXCEPTION.

– The letters in my Alphagetti suddenly begin reorganizing themselves. “Tonight on Smackdown,” it says, “Chef Boyardee will address the meatball Swagger’s contest with Alberto Del Ravioli for a shot at Beefaroni Ziggler’s title. Random meat products found in this bowl of pasta also include Miz TV and generically bland rivals Randy Mini O and The Beefaroni Show.” I dig in, and think about that Mick Foley commercial many moons ago.

If you go out to the woods today, prepare for a big surprise….

– The Miz TV segment kicks things off. Disinterest begins immediately as Miz begins speaking. Randall Keith Orton challenges the viewer to care THAT much more. Big Show might save this. We are shown clips of the build to this match this Sunday. God this is boring. At least J.T. is seen in the audience holding up pieces of random fans and is feeding them to the shambling ThinkSoZombiEJoE at ring side.

– Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter interrupt this borefest, and Coulter denounces any interest in the competitors in the ring, rather, the ultimate victory of Swagger over Del Rio for a title shot at the concussed Dolph Ziggler eventually. Of course, out comes Del Rio with Ric-Rod saying the same thing, basically. Can our parade be over? Of course not, don’t be stupid, stupid. Mark Henry, The World’s Angriest Man, tells them “That’s what I do” and he’s going to be the guy remembered beating Sheathless. He’ll have no place to put his sword, dammit. J.T. is seen holding up a sign in the audience saying, “Where’s Poochie?” Of course John Sheamus comes out and blathers a bit, then bum rushes the ring and the so-called faces stand strong while the faces flee. You’d think The Ghost of Teddy Long would have Booker T’d his way out, playah, and booked a 6 man tag match. But you’d be wrong.

Admit it, you’ve often wondered what it would look like too.

– Our parade marshal shows up after the commercial break and books the 6 man tag match for the main event.

– Enter Team Beta, The Shield. The WWE wants to remind us that Rollins and Reigns also still wrestle matches, you see. Now don’t be shocked, Rollins and Reigns are actually on the PPV this Sunday facing Team Hell No!. I had to look this up, to be honest with you. And I sadly watch pretty much all WWE programming.

– * The Usos vs. The Shield (Rollins and Reigns). As the Usos do their little dance, Jim Neidhart runs out of nowhere holding up a sign that says “Who?” It’s a diversion as a man wearing a Team Alpha T-Shirt and a red and white lucha libre mask. He hits an inverted piledriver on Jimmy, and then a moonsault on Jay. Once again, he teases pulling off the mask, then chops his crotch and disappears into the night. The softening up of the Uso’s allows for a swift Shield victory. Post match, The Shield swarm the fallen Samoans…. BUT HERE’S COFFEE KINGSTON BOUNCING DOWN TO THE RING WITH A STEEL CHAIR! He unleashes his attacks on Ambrose, primarily, and chases the trio off (possibly into the night, but likely to backstage to watch the rest of the show standing up… because Kofi stole their chair).

You’re playing it wrong.

– Long welcomes back Miz. Miz cockily acts like it’s like he never left. Sandow interrupts and talks down Miz, and offers Teddy the opportunity to help him produce the Damien Sandow show in place of crap like Miz TV (YES DO IT!). Long takes it into consideration, but also books the two wrestlers into a sports entertainment hugging session.

– * Tons of Funk vs. The Prime Time Players. What a sad state tag team wrestling has once again become. It seems like only yesterday that the WWE was poised to boost the division back into relevance. All they had to do was elevate it via Team Friendship with a few exchanges of the titles between a few teams. Alas, no. Not much to report here, Tons of Funk win in a passable match. It wasn’t a squash. It wasn’t even a medium-sized gourd. It just happened.

Every time.

– We’re shown clips of the dance off from RAW between Fandango and Jericho. Sadly, one of the best parts of RAW. And I say that without sarcasm or any other misleading literary constructicon. Devastator forms and begins to destroy part of the arena until… “ME GRIMLOCK! DINOBOTS GO!” Or maybe I go on an axe murder kill spree. Whatever. Something happens.

– * Antonio Cesaro vs. Chris Jericho. People at WWE think Cesaro is boring, namely Vince “Dimentia” McMahon, according to the dirty dirt sheets. The fuck? I guess that probably explains why the WWE has been so shitty for a while. He must not watch either. This match, however, should be epic. With the slightest gesture, Jericho pops the crowd. They still seem dead moments later… until Jericho and Cesaro really begin to pick up steam… right before a commercial break too. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign letting me know that Jorge won’t be visiting my apartment tonight, as he just arrived to join him in full Iron Man armor. It has added herpes powers, which he shares with the audience. Jorge is like Oprah that way, expect he just shows up in audiences and gives people things. BWF RADIO. Every Sunday at 2PM EST, available at boredwrestlingfan.com and live on Mixlr (for now… tune in for details this Sunday for our Extreme Rules preview show with a very special guest).

Ninjas and shit. I hid one in your place. Don’t worry, he’ll find you.

– Advertisements for new Whiskey flavored popcorn air during the break. Man, oh man, I think I know what J.T. and Jorge are eating right now. We return and Cesaro has Jericho locked in a headlock, which Y2J breaks… only to be put right the fuck back into it. Somehow this rest spot isn’t boring. And it’s not JUST because of Jericho. Cesaro is boring my fucking ass. The crowd is reacting well to Jericho’s spots, exploding as if they just got free herpes, and Cesaro shines demonstrating his technical gifts and psychology to work. SHINING WIZARD BY JERICHO! Beautiful! After a great back and forth, Cesaro looks to set up his finisher, only to be reversed into a Walls of Jericho. Cesaro submits clean??!? Sigh. Fandango enters post match, to attempt to interfere, but Jericho runs him off. Y2J then hits a Codebreaker on Cesaro, and stands up to stare angrily at Fandango, while bleeding visibly from the mouth.

@Charles Barkley @G: “Check me hanging with Joe’s favorite wrestler!”

@G @Charles Barkley: “I think you haven’t been listening to BWF Radio for a year or so, Barks.”

– Coulter and Swagger do one of their videos about Extreme. Coulter notes a bunch of great points about being extreme as a reaction to what life delivers. He calls out the government for lying to the people, police budget cuts, schools being closed, coverups, etc. They will not be vilified for questioning such things. Coulter then likens Del Rio to being part of this problem. Yeah, it’s basically the same stuff they did going into WrestleMania, but it’s far better articulated and less racist than before. It’s also much more in line with the right wing politics that actually often make sense in American politics without sounding batshit insane. That’s scary. Now keep in mind, I’m a Canadian, so I see all of these things with that POV. Feel free to disagree with me in the comments below specifically to any point Coulter made.

Stormtroopers and masked wrestlers always hide their identity.

– * The Miz vs. Damien Sandow. Miz’s new shirt says, “Haters Wanted”. He’s begging for heat. The cameramen manage to find a few people reacting to Miz when he comes out… just a few. Cody Rhodes joins commentary to build his YouTube match with Miz in a “We Forgot To Build A Storyline Match.” Rhodes early into the match grabs a live arena microphone and yells at the crowd to “Stand up!” and root for Sandow. I do this at home. The commentary is horrible here as Cody tries to put over Sandow, while Cole is completely off the rails. The match in the ring is actually pretty good, and Sandow looks pretty solid, but inevitably jobs out to a Figure Four submission. I guess WWE decided to make their undercard talent look terrible tonight with Cesaro and Sandow. ThinkSoZombiEJoE is seen in the audience holding up a sign written in blood stating, “What the fuck is wrong with this company?”.

– Please don’t pay for Extreme Rules. Don’t endorse this. If you do, send a copy of your cable bill to Stamford and make it clear you tuned in to watch the Shield capture the tag titles and the U.S. title, and if they don’t, you might as well just close up shop now. This is beginning to get fucking ridiculous. Remember how terrible the WWE was in between 1993-1996? I realize there was some great stuff with Bret, Owen, HBK, Taker, Diesel, Kid, and Hall then. But everyone else had day jobs and ratings were brutal. Then WCW starting kicking ass and taking names for a while until WWF figured it out with help from a couple writers now demonized by the IWC. That’s what it took to fix shit. So… Yeah… we’re back to that now.

Just another example of why Bruce Lee was awesome.

– I guess The Bellas sent another gift to Katie Vick from her fake secret murder, Glen Jacobs. Natalya interviews her or talks to her or has her own talent wasted in conversation with her backstage about it. This week she was given a pound of crack cocaine.

And he’s gone.

– * Non-Title Match: Kaitlyn {C} vs. Aksana. Aksana gets tossed around a bunch. Kaitlyn essentially rape-shreds her with some super dick (more on cock talk after the show, every Sunday 2PM EST). Aksana demonstrates her ability to lock on a headlock. If you are watching this, I suspect you have no legs or arms. You are a just a head and a torso that cannot reach the remote control. Live breaking news interrupts the broadcast! 2,421 head-torso-only people in the city of Calgary have been found dead due to repeatedly slamming their heads into the closest sharp object in order to commit suicide rather than watch this match! Kaitlyn wins after 64 head-torso-people opt to roll out of an overhead plane as opposed to watching this and take out Aksana.

– * Randy Orton, Sheamus, and Alberto Del Rio vs. Mark Henry, Big Show, and Jack Swagger. Whelp. We’ve got 1/2 hour left to go in the show. I suspect many a clip packages yet to come. Ring entrances and commercials eat up 10 minutes. We’re back, and I’m not. I’m in the room watching. Just not typing… fuck the WWE right now. I’m pissed off at the potential wasted in this company right now, so I’m throwing rocks at people on the highway in protest. J.T. is not seen in the audience, nor is Jorge. They left early to beat traffic. ThinkSoZombiEJoE left 90 minutes ago after consuming the entire ring side audience and went to check out Iron Man 3 (which has mixed reviews). Our mystery masked lucha libre invader in seen backstage (standing up of course) watching WWE: Bret Hitman Hart – The Dungeon Collection. I hit a 2010 Toyota Corrola with a knuckleball. The driver gets out, and I run off like a little bitch cackling to myself. All the competitors get their spots in, and get to look good. Typical flow chart shit here. They want you to not go to various foreign country websites and stream this PPV that they can’t shut down because piracy laws don’t apply there pay for the PPV. Good luck with that, WWE.

Once again, Mario is kind of a dick.

– All the faces play the distress role at some point, as the face-isolation concept is exploited to maximum use. They save a bunch of their spots to the end. Then everyone involved finds themselves outside the ring except Orton and Swagger, and the guy with the wellness violation wins. Ok, fine. It’s Randall Keith Orton.

Godzilla had it coming.

– Final Thoughts: Tonight wasn’t a terrible show. It certainly wasn’t great either. Now, I realize that it’s a go home show, and that means they are just carrying through to the PPV. That’s normally fine. The bad thing is that they’ve had PLENTY of time to start up the new “Season” of WWE post WrestleMania. The RAW after was great because of the crowd. No new debuts. No major movement. I totally understand why long time viewers are beginning to tune out. I’m not at that point yet, but fuck… seriously. Why are they jobbing out their newer talent in favor of older stale characters? How does this benefit them long term? NXT is the brightest spot in the company and half of that regular roster could rejuvenate the program if they let them. I’m going to hold out hope they steer this ship straight soon, or else much like J.T. fired RAW last week on BWF Radio (live every week on Sunday at 2PM EST), I might just have to fire the entire brand for a while myself. Thank god for the Shield, Daniel Bryan, Antonio Cesaro, Damien Sandow, Cody Rhodes and a healthy CM Punk. Jericho gets a pass from me, and Brock Lesnar if he actually is allowed to beat HHH. And get this, I think I ACTUALLY enjoy Fandango (partly because Johnny Curtis is actually good) just because it’s fucking different. Other than that… I really wish Ted Turner would purchase TNA and fire Hogan and Bischoff immediately.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

———————————————————-

I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!

———————————————————–

Listen LIVE starting at 2 PM EST here. here on Mixlr.com.
Check out BWF Radio every week. It goes up on i-Tunes on Sunday in the late afternoon of North America
Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

———————————————————-

This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

———————————————————–

A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

A go to place for professional wrestling, boxing, MMA, and other combat sports news, rumors, podcasts and so forth. Always a nice place to get your fix, or simply learn more about the performers and athletes themselves. They are one of our go to resources for news and information for BWF Radio, and we wouldn’t have it any other way to share our content with them. Great site!

———————————————————-

WTF?

———————————————————–

When will Joe noticed I changed this section? Maybe on BWF Radio, this Sunday at 2 PM EST? Which Sunday?

———————————————————-

Shameless Plugs!

———————————————————–

Bored Hockey Fan is by the fans for the fans and delivers content related to hockey in any forms. We encourage similar minded people to contact us and represent their team’s POV, while retaining the rights to their work.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, Glasenator, Jonkind and/or Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.