Tonight, Smackdown hails from my city of birth, the mean streets of Edmonton. A place ravaged by gang warefare between Polar Bears and Steve. You know, Steve? Everyone knows Steve. He’s a tough dude. Saw him wear shorts in July once, in three feet of snow. There’s a statue of Jericho there too, inventor of Canada. In Canada, we all hop. Do you hop? You should.

Why wear wrestling gear when going anarchist?

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– WWE Canadian voice over guy tells us Gord(ton), Steve, Kingston (Ontario), Team Canada have all been take out by the Canadian Shield (this exists, look it up, eh?). But they’ll all be ok because of free health care. The Canadian Shield is unstoppable as a beaver dam on Lake Ontario, covered with Maple Syrup. All members of the Canadian Shield shoot for their clubs to determine an overtime winner. It’s Aboot time.

– We indeed kick off the show with The Shield making their way down… Ambrose fist bumps Rollins and goes to grab some popcorn and Royal Canadian whiskey shots and watch with J.T. in the audience. Reigns sticks around because Team Hell No! has two members out.

Somehow this exists.

– * Kane vs. Seth Rollins. This is a decent match. Rollins keeps things lively, because Kane is… well, big and lumbering. But these are the type of matches that he needs to keep my attention: Against guys who keep my attention. Rollins essentially works the bad leg of Kane the entire match, to explain how to take down the monster. Sadly, even after a long amount of work, Kane scores the victory with a Chokeslam. Reigns protests the decision, although he was interfering himself while Bryan assaulted Rollins with the distraction.

– No fucking around here, tonight folks, we get going right into the next match. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up Dean Ambrose, who is holding up his US Title.

@Charles Barkley @G: “I hear that Way Bryant is coming to RAW. Isn’t he the fat dude from Nexus?”

@G @Charles Barkley: “Uhh… I think I know who you mean, Bray Wyatt? And yes, he was Husky.”

– * Daniel Bryan vs. Roman Reigns. I suppose they intentionally mixed up the big guys in these two matches, although Bryan and Rollins would have been fantastic in a singles match. Oh well. A neat spot in this match features Bryan “Danieling” up while a prone Reigns dangles in a corner. Bryan runs at him with reckless abandon and lands a furious flying dropkick, stomps a mudhole into Reigns until he is seated on the matt, and then runs back and forth into another soaring missle dropkick. This whips the crowd into a frenzy (that or ThinkSoZombiEJoE is attacking the Edmontonians again). Nefarious heetastic interference by Rollins due to Kane’s interference. This ends up being a DQ win for Reigns, as Kane blatantly attacks in plain sight of the referee. Team Friendship bicker post match.

Much like Kane, Joe fucked up.

– We’re shown clips of that Tragically Hip Gord(Downie)ian Knot spot last week between Sandow and Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt. Sandow is back for another interview, and I’m way too tired to even consider transcribing it. Sandow gets MASSIVE heat for noting about how Edmonton “gave away” Wayne Gretzky for “nothing.” Hockey purists know this is far from true, and also remind people they won a cup without him in 1990. That was their fifth cup (and last), but clever Sandow garners cheap heat.

– “When it comes to intelligence, I AM THE GREAT ONE,” continues Sandow as he SILENCE(!)s the crowd. This week his feat of intelligence is the shell game, which is promptly interrupted by the simpleton Sheamus. Sheamus blah blah blah, arse and balls references, blah blah blah, not funny. They run through the routine as Sandow goads Sheamus to pick wisely. He does not, “Congratulations, you idiot license is good for another year!” declares Sandow. Sandow lets Shaemus choose again, from the remaining two cups. Big Irish fucks up again… but suspects the ruse. Sandow was entertaining here, but this age old scam is not really a measure of intelligence. Sheamus bullies Sandow into revealing the third cup as the Edmonton crowd loudly roars, “SHOW YOUR BALLS! SHOW YOUR BALLS!” Sheamus questions if Sandow is actually smart, or just a cheater, then Brogue Kicks him.

JOE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE! DID YOU FUCK WITH THE SPACE TIME CONTINUUM AGAIN!?!?!?

– * Curtis Axel vs. Sin Cara. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign stating, “There can only be one…” I wonder what he means by that? Out comes Joe Hennig to destroy Sin Cara. Paul Heyman brings his new client, and spins his web of propaganda in epic fashion. Then hands Curtis the microphone, who brags about his wins over HHH and Cena. He finishes with, “But when you’re a Paul Heyman guy… Life is perfect.” He then makes quick work of Sin Cara, who does get a wee bit of attacks in, but is finished with a Perfectplex. Post match our red and white lucha masked man of mystery runs in!!! He’s wearing a BWF.com 5th anniversary T-Shirt!!! (Check out BWF RADIO THIS SUNDAY FOR OUR FIFTH ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL!). Dean Ambrose is seen marking out in the crowd!! Jim Neidhart holds up J.T. so he can see better! Our mystery lucha runs to the ring ropes and lands a Lionsault on the fallen Sin Cara! He then places his foot a top of the fallen Mexican, and flexes his muscles screaming, “YEAH, BABY!” I don’t know how many more weeks of these teases I can take… WHO IS THAT MASKED MAN!?!?!

This answers all your questions.

– * Big E Langston vs. Alberto Del Rio. Biggie Smalls does his “clap for cocaine” thing, man that’s an excessive amount of powder. Reminds me of Boogie Nights, which reminds me of Dolph Ziggler, which reminds him of nothing. This match looks to be a showcase for the slain rapper, who is booked dominantly against the Santa Claus Killer. All power spots, and massive grapples. The crowd dies during this match, it’s kind of meh. Biggie gets the win after AJ attacks ADR outside the ring and then is struck by “The Big Ending” powerslam.

– I’m too tired for SD tonight, me thinks. Review format change time. I’m totally watching this with a heavy thumb or else I won’t make it through the episode, and that means I probably won’t be able to watch the rest of it until it’s too late to post about it.

– FFW’d through RAW crap.

– * Kofi Kingston vs. Ryback. Kofi is off to get surgery, so this is how they wrote him off TV. Kofi is booked strong to start, then Ryback assumes control. Beheading via clothesline, Shell-Shock. Ryback wins in a short match. Post match, Ryback sets up a table and Kofi is put through the table. This happens three times.

Easiest won fight ever.

– Yawn… at least I set up some gifs ahead of time. This is actually a pretty good episode, I’m just fucking wiped out. Jorge arrives at my balcony and leaves me a pile of pillows with a note attached, “These are herpes free, I got treatment.” That was awful nice of him. Sadly I find these the next day, and the thunderstorm made them all soggy. As I clear them off my balcony, I discover a bunker where a Japanese Imperialist from WWII is hiding. He thinks the war is still on. I am shot, and die. Thanks Jorge!

– Jericho cuts a silly, but amusing promo, with fellow Canuck, Renee Young. It involves learning how to say the word, “Mange.” I smirked, but it wasn’t as good as when Jericho called Austin a slut.

Work it, human.

– * Chris Jericho vs. Cody Rhodes. This match should be awesome, and the announcers say the same thing. Oddly enough, I click on the animated gif sub-reddit and stumble upon this little gem that conveys my reaction. I don’t know what wind I’m on, but I am certainly awake for this fucking match!

Wait… what? 16-bit Carlton dance? I kind of wish it was 8 Bit so I can reminisce watching this dude on Silver Spoons with Ricky Schroeder before his days in Bel Air.

– They have 25 minutes left in the show, and the crowd is surprisingly quiet as things start slow. J.T. and Ambrose are seen in the audience pissed drunk. ThinkSoZombiEJoE shambles around ringside making signs out of Calgary Flames corpses that read, “Ambrose, how are you that drunk? You have a match! Jericho just submitted Cody in like 3 minutes?” Ambrose holds up J.T. who is wearing a T-Shirt that says, “JoE, didn’t you see my work in CZW? I played a drunk. J.T. is my new manager, BTW. We think alike.” So yeah, Rhodes submits to the Walls of Jericho. Kind of a waste.

– Then they reshow the fucking awesome as fuck, fucking Bray Wyatt family video from Monday again. Of course I watch this again, because it was the best part of RAW hands down.

I totally thought this guy was a dead man.

– * Non-Title Match Dean Ambrose {C} vs. Randy Orton. What’s this? Has Team Alpha reformed? We cut to a screen within a screen, as JoE, Jorge, and J.T. are seen backstage!

JoE: So what’s the deal? Aren’t we supposed to organize an attack against Orton with a super-soaker filled with motor oil?

Jorge: Zombies don’t talk.

J.T.: Hold on… I need to write up a sign here… one second.

Jorge: Dude, we’re standing right here, you can talk to us directly.

J.T.: Get on facebook, I can only communicate via text and wrestling signs.

JoE: You’re speaking aloud right now!

J.T.: No I’m not!

Jorge: YES, YOU ARE!

Dean Ambrose: Nope!

J.T.: See? Do you see now?

Jorge: Where’s Lee at? At least that guy makes sense.

JoE: Oh, about that… I kind of ate him.

Jorge: You gave him herpes, at least? That’s the Team Alpha way. Justice. Herpes. Random transportation devices used to invade G’s apartment.

G: Yeah!

J.T.: How are you here?

G: How is Ambrose here? He’s in a match right now, dammit!

Ambrose: Belee Dat, Playah!

G: Wrong gimmick, Dean Malenko.

Ambrose: Nope.

G: Dean Douglas?

Ambrose: Nope.

JoE: SHUT THE FUCK UP, NEITHER OF YOU BELONG HERE! G, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE REVIEWING THIS! AMBROSE, YOU’RE IN THE DAMN MATCH ON THE TV RIGHT NOW! YOU GUYS ARE TOTALLY RUINING THE FIFTH ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION OF BORED WRESTLING FAN DOT COM!

J.T.: Chill out man, I write on a sign and hold up but read aloud anyways in order to bury this joke into the ground redundantly.

JoE: I’M A FUCKING FLESH EATING ZOMBIE, DON’T TELL ME TO CHILL! I’M AS COLD AS ICE!

Jorge: Is that the break song this week?

JoE: Screw this, I HOPE Orton wins you goofs.

G: Does that mean I don’t get ice cream cake?

J.T.: You’re lactose intolerant.

Ambrose: I ate that cake.

– The actual match is good. It kept me awake. Much of it is due to the freshness of Ambrose, who is full of energy via ice-cream cake. After a good solid ten minutes of match time, Orton looks to robot his way to a victory, but his dangling DDT spot is reversed via chinbreaker. Ambrose goes up top, but his axehandle is thwarted via dropkick. The Shield interfere, bringing out Team Friendship. A clusterfuck ensues, but Daniel Bryan goes into beast-mode and clears the ring. The match is ruled in favor of Randall Keith Orton due to the Shield’s initial interference. All in all, a pretty solid Smackdown episode. Edmonton got a good show. I wish I had more energy to review it better, but life sometimes serves up a roshambo with gravel on top to the nuts. It is what it is.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!

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Listen LIVE starting at 2 PM EST here. here on Mixlr.com.
Check out BWF Radio every week. It goes up on i-Tunes on Sunday in the late afternoon of North America
Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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WTF?

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When will Joe noticed I changed this section? Maybe on BWF Radio, this Sunday at 2 PM EST? Which Sunday?

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Shameless Plugs!

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