Chris Bosh knows it’s hopping time!

DO IT NOW!

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– The WWE Bill collector shows up at my house, and notes it’s time for Payback. Apparently I have 48 hours to make good on my debt or some random wrestlers will beat me down, and take my lunch money again. There will be an unraveling of Snakes and Goats, without protection, and random shit will happen. Meh.

– Our show kicks off with the Daniel Bryan coming down to the ring. The crowd pops and Yes! is chanted throughout the arena. He notes his preconceived notions to his successes coming into the WWE prior to, and now that he’s here. To him, the biggest surprise is becoming a tag champion with Kane. Kane comes out. Kane observes that Bryan is “breaking up” with him, for Orton. They will be Team R.K.NO!!! This is a cute segment, as Kane doesn’t think Bryan can’t beat the Shield with Orton since Bryan hates him, and Bryan’s paranoia about being the weak link comes into play. Bryan suggests Kane is the weak link and screams at Kane. Ortbot comes out and tries to quell the tension. I think it’s time for this to end on Sunday, and just fucking turn Orton already.

– Backstage we are shown the Shield watching laughing at their infighting. Ambrose notes that after all these months, trying to put together these “super-teams,” none of them of been successful. DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE SHIELD NOW! Ambrose was perfect here.

I am more and more distraught by the evolution of the fanboys/fangirls during E3, which is a giant advertizement, afterall. Also it’s a way to test the market and make changes… and cheap shots. Nintendo came out unscathed from that shit. So I suppose this gif makes sense. Meh. Notice nobody playing their PC is represented? Yep.

– DID YOU KNOW? The WWE June PPV changes names every fucking year? Of course you didn’t, it’s one of those forgettable PPV’s that means shit.

– Jorge has teleported onto my balcony and let’s himself in.

Jorge: “Did you see – * Sheamus vs. Antonio Cesaro?”
G: “No, I missed that. I was choking out my neighbour. What happened?”
Jorge: “Well, first they set to square off, but then Damien Sandow enters the arena and goes off about humiliating Sheamus weekly, and on Sunday he will play host to his Irish wake, and then walks off.”
G: “That would be cool. I’d like to see Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt die.”
Jorge: “Yeah… ummm…. so the two square off, working a stiff strong style. Kind of like they are teasing Cesaro is a viable threat. They showed some crap from the WWE APP with Zeb Coulter hanging out with that tasty Renee Young backstage. Boy, I’d tap that G!”
G: “A-Yup. Go on…”
Jorge: “The spot before the commercial break saw Cesaro leap from the ring to the outside, right into Sheamus’ arms! They make out for a while, exchange herpes, and then Sheamus slams him into the guard rail killing a Make-A-Wish kid in the process!”
G: “That happens every week. What happened after the break?”
Jorge: “Sure, see… wait, who is that guy crawling across the carpet at us?”
G: “Oh shit. My bad. I guess I didn’t completely choke the life out of him. One sec… ohh you like that? Bang on my wall at 4AM? Really? … fucker… just… die…”
Jorge: “G, are you ok? Are you ok? Are you ok, G?
G: “I’m good. That guy just got hit by a smooth criminal.”
Jorge: “Ok… sure. Well we return, and Cesaro is firmly in control, so they are not jobbing him out like a bitch at least. It’s a really solid match, but ultimately Sheamus wins with a Brogue Kick.”
G: “Yeah, that move the masked mystery lucha used last week in the review. Lance Storm’s finisher.
Jorge: “Oh, I forgot. Damien Sandow ran in and attacked that pale Cena redux post match.”
G: “Good. Fuck Sheamus. I hope he dies too.”
Jorge: “You already said that.”
G: “Yeah, but in wrestling if you say it once, it’s a rumor. If you say it twice, it becomes the truth.”
Jorge: “Welp, off to go find J.T. and eat some of that tasty whiskey flavored popcorn found only at Smackdown tapings! SHAZAM!!”

Pretty much.

– And just like that, Jorge teleported away leaving only a wisp of smoke and a small pile of feces matter on my carpet. I tend to the body of my neighbour. I call it the “Toss it off the balcony and forget about it method.”

The purpose of this sign must simply be to taunt towards and encourage the opposite of it’s intent.

– Bray Wyatt vignette #3 airs. They’re coming. Let’s hope it’s this Monday.

– The Ghost of my neighbour, or Teddy Long, is backstage talking with ThinkSoZombieJoE on the phone. See, the dead communicate with each other. That’s how they find you and give you Hardee’s Cheeseburgers. You have to go into the restaurant though, because Randall Keith Orton has likely destroyed the DriveThru intercom via an R.K.NO! Then Dolphry Ziggler, AJ Styles, and Biggie Smalls arrive threatening Long, and distracting him from his meal. They make demands for a match. Biggie Smalls returns to eat a bunch of Teddy Long’s burger. Wow. Compelling television.

@Charles Barkley @G: “No time from Smackdown, G., got to keep rowing.”

@G @Charles Barkley: “You are a peculiar fellow, Chuck.”

– Oh fuck, I spoke too soon. Fuck.

– ThinkSoZombieJoE shambles into my apartment (I left the door open again. Sometimes I do that to trap random game in attempts to wrestle them and then eat them later. This usually ends with my untimely defeat via Pedigree).

G: Hey you undead fucker, what’s the skinny?
Joe: RRRR… ARRRR!!!!!
G: So you’re saying it’s * Great Khali (w/Hornswoggle and Natalya) vs. Heath Slater (w/Drew MuckInsider and Jinder GeeHall?)
Joe: THREE EMM BEE BABY!!
G: Dude, stay in character!
Joe: RAWR!!
G: Khali remains immobile, as Hornswoggle runs around with a vacuum sucking up the remains of his knees at ringside?
Joe: Argle bargle. Brains?
G: So Khali does dick all, and just chops and shit? Then outside interference with the entourages distract Khali, and allow Slater to hit a DDT on Khali?”
Joe: “YEAH! IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME! YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WAS AWESOME? I SAW MARY MASON RYAN AND ALEX SHELLY COMPUTER LIVE ON FRIDAY!!!!
G: The fuck? What do you mean?
Joe: How should I know? You made me a zombie in these things, you Canadian troll.
G: I sure did.

– Joe plops down on my couch. I notice he has dragged up my former neighbor’s corpse and is munching happily away. Maybe he’ll chime in later. It’s rude to talk when your mouth is full, afterall. Regardless, Joe does this every week on BWF Radio (2PM EST), on Cocktalk. Screw you Smackdown reviews, indeed. At this point, Joe at BWF Radio would be wise to cue up some wind-blowing sample (about 3 seconds long) for a future J.T. segment.

ThinkSoJoE tagged me on facebook, noting this was my bathroom. LOL. This is clearly a photo from some tropical climate like New York State. Hardly any ice, nor a standard Polar Bear towel distributor. Pfft. Canada, yeah right JoE.

– * Alberto Del Rio and Chris Jericho vs. Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston. This is a holding pattern match, let’s just get that out of the way. J.T. is not seen in the audience holding up anything. The “pattern” is not the use of the word “holding” in the last two sentences (make that three if you count this one), it’s the fact that I’ll be reading this paragraph live on Sunday’s episode of BWF Radio and he told us he couldn’t make it. So if he shows up, he’s a filthy liar.

– Anyways, back to the match. They give it time, but it’s standard fare. Writing about it will only open a portal to the 9th plain of hell and unleash demons of redundancy on a local daycare. Nobody wants that. Post commercial break, it’s more of the same for a while. Don’t take my apathy as a sign of a poor match. It’s certainly not, but it’s not going to make or break any storylines at this point. C’mon, jerk, this is the last Smackdown before a PPV. Serious, WHO IN THE FUCK WATCHES SMACKDOWN ANYWAYS??? Wait, what? FUCK! ADR eventually ends this filler match with a Fruit Rollup pin on Ziggler. Guess who retains on Sunday? John Cena, that’s who.

Guess what his Finishing Move is. Seriously, guess…

– Backstage Renee Young interviews Jericho about his match against Chicago. He does a decent job reciting history (like his debut match against Joe’s favorite, The Rock), and whatnot. Enter the Paul Heyman. He reminds us about the hometown factor. Again, this is actually well delivered and both men are awesome. It just seems off for a build. Jericho slaps Heyman, and shit.

– Jorge is seen in the audience holding up a cardboard cutout of J.T. who is holding up a sign that says:

[ThinkSoJoE hint. When J.T. speaks you play that wind blowing sample]

J.T.: …
G: Ahh, yes. * Non-Title Match: Kaitlyn {C} vs. Aksana.
J.T.: …
Jorge: Did Joe cue up that wind blowing sample? I hope so, if not, I’m going to punch him in the dick right now.
[Jorge punches Joe in the dick]
G: I hope so. Either way, Aksana is in this match, let’s see what else J.T.’s sign says…
J.T.: …
G: So this match fucking sucked, and it was a BIG surprise?
J.T.: …
G: Yep. None finish, Kaitlyn freaked out and attacked the referee as Aksana ran off into obscurity.”
Joe: More or less.
G: That didn’t sound like a wind blowing audio sample.
Joe: Fuck you, G.

The Batman is the fourth member of the Shield.

– * Non-Title Match: Wade Barrett {C} vs. Curtis Axel. We get a preamble from Barrett about bothering to fight now, or just put it off until Sunday for the Triple Threat Match. Barrett dicusses distributing a new Perfectly Fucked Up Redebut Energy Flavored Barrett Barrage Energy Bar with Axel instead. Then the Miz shows up, and encourages them to fight. That’s what they do on Friday Nights after all. How many words, Joe?

Joe: One! BALLGAME!
G: Two words. Ball, and Game.
Joe: BALLGAME! I’m a zombie! RAWR!
G: TWO WORDS, DANIEL BRYAN IS FRIENDS WITH RANDALL KEITH ORTON NOW!
Jorge: I’m only here for the Hardee’s burgers.
Joe: We’re in G’s apartment, you need to teleport to JBL and Cole, or my brethren, fellow undead Teddy Long for some of that.
Jorge: I found some partially digested Hardee’s Cheeseburger in Biggie Small’s bag?
G: I just got a text from J.T. that says he saw Randall Keith Orton dropping a…
Jorge: I’m on it!
JoE: Teleported again.
J.T.: …
Joe: G?
G: Did you play the audio file?
Joe: I don’t know. I might have not read this until the day of the show and came into here completely unprepared like we get paid to do this.
J.T.: ….
G: Two words.
Joe: ONE!

– It would not be much of a match, really. In fact. Miz would interfere on Barrett, and then allow Axel to take advantage of the win. Then Miz would attack Barrett post match. I can’t believe I miss Fandango this much. I didn’t hate him before, in fact I defended Curtis.

– Wyatt Family Promo #4. HE’S FUCKING CRAZY IN THIS ONE! They have little weird looking dolls in this one…

Like most, I think Daniel Bryan is awesome. But this is a wee bit creepy.

– * The Shield vs. Kane, Randy Orton and Daniel Bryan. This looks like a solid main event with just under 30 minutes of TV time. GOOD! Sit back, and watch. Enjoy. It’s filler, but like before, nicely consumable for a match. If you are like me, The Shield and Bryan deliver what might convince you two matches at Payback will be worth it. You get everyone put into strong positions, and that, I suppose, keeps our PPV card looking strong.

Nom, nom, nom, or some meme shit. You know the drill.

– Shred-rape with a Superdick. That’s what happens to Seth Rollins, who gets tossed from teh top rope by Kane into an RKO by Randall Keith Orton. This allows the legal man, Daniel Bryan to submit Rollins via a No-Lock, for the win. More on this, on Cocktalk, after the game. Stay Tuned.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!

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Listen LIVE starting at 2 PM EST here. here on Mixlr.com.
Check out BWF Radio every week. It goes up on i-Tunes on Sunday in the late afternoon of North America
Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

A go to place for professional wrestling, boxing, MMA, and other combat sports news, rumors, podcasts and so forth. Always a nice place to get your fix, or simply learn more about the performers and athletes themselves. They are one of our go to resources for news and information for BWF Radio, and we wouldn’t have it any other way to share our content with them. Great site!

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WTF?

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When will Joe noticed I changed this section? Maybe on BWF Radio, this Sunday at 2 PM EST? Which Sunday?

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Shameless Plugs!

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