-Jesus tapdancing CHRIST, how long has it been?  I honestly cannot remember the last time I did this.  5 Months?  Six?  Shit, I’m sorry, guys.  If you REALLY want an explanation, I’ll give it to you:  A few months ago, I started working Tuesdays.  And then, X-Mas hit, and my time to do ANYTHING creative was eaten up.  HOWEVER, with WrusselMunya 27 looming in the horizon, better now than ever to start up your favourite wrestling Internet-thing!

-WHAT YOU MAY HAVE MISSED:  The Miz is WWE Champion, Sheamus O’Shaunnessy is King of the Ring, Michael Cole has become VERY abrasive in his heeling, and some guy from the Attitude Era started showing up, promised he would never, EVER leave.  He’s been on RAW one more time since making that promise, four weeks ago.  In a pre-taped segment.  WELCOME BACK, ROCKY!

-Anyway, Here’s the Undertaker!  With the most godawful theme music they have ever given him.  I’m sorry, but Banjo Plucking REALLY kills his spooky entrance.  Triple H-Undertaker appears to be the centrepiece of Mania.  Taker-H’s is a No Holds Barred Match, to hide the fact that taker’s Wrestling Days are all but over!  Demon Banjos start up again!

-Back from break, the Miz announced that he won’t be on RAW tonight, via Twitter.  Also, The Rock and John Cena were bickering on Twitter.  Something about using The Social Medias to extrapolate TV feuds really bugs me.  Also, considering how behind the times Vince is (remember, this is the guy who Kyboshed Pirate Paul Burchill, because he never saw Pirates of the Caribbean…), I’m surprised that they’ve embraced Twitter so much.  I would have figured that Vince would be all into MySpace.

-Backstage we-HOLY SHIT, THE NEXUS IS ATTACKING RANDY ORTON!  Oh, right.  This is the NEW Nexus, guys.  They booted all the good ones over to SmackDown, and surrounded CM Punk with IRS and Mr Perfect’s fat kids, David Otunga, and some Batista-lookin’ goof who cannot speak to save his life.  And, CM Punk and Randy are feuding over something that happened in 2008.  I’m as shocked as you are.

-OH, also, there’s this storyline where Randy has to run a weekly gauntlet of Nexus dudes, and whoever he beats, cannot be at Punk’s side at Mania.  Last week, Mike McGuillicu… fuck that, Mr Perfect’s kid, he lost.  This week, David Otunga loses.  Kick in the head!  All Punk has left is that big goof!  OH NOES!!

-HEY KIDS, IT’S CHRISTIAN!  You remember him, right!  To think, 10 years ago, he was one of the biggest acts the company had, and was heading into one of the marquee matches of WrestleMania 17.  I predict the dude will be at Mania’s pre-show battle royale.  Poor guy.  Anyway, he’s got an axe to grind against Royal Rumble Winner ALBERTO DEL RIO!  Instead, Alberto doesn’t feel like wrestling, so his protege, King Kong Bundy’s rebellious teenage son Brodus Clay, is gonna do it!  Typical Fat Guy match, with Christian avoiding being squished by Fat Guy moves.  Christian wins with a Tornado DDT, which is a MUCH better move than the Unprettier.  Post-match, Alberto Del Rio ATTAX and locks Christian in the… Armbar.  This dude’s finisher is the fucking ARMBAR.  This dude is main eventing WrestleMania wil a killer gimmick, and his finisher is a fucking basic ARM BAR.  IN 2011.  THIS DUDE IS AN ACCOMPLISHED LUCHADORE AND HE DOES A GODDAMNED ARM BAR, PEOPLE.

-…I’m sorry, I’ve been waiting for MONTHS to say that.

-VIDEO PACKAGE:  Hey, everyone!  Meet Sin Cara!  He’ll be taking over for Rey Mysterio, now.  He does Rey Mysterio-like moves, and he wears a very marketable mask!  SIN CARA, EVERYONE!  Stupid name.  Should have called him Mistico.  Oh, for you not-smarks, this dude is one of the biggest box office draws in modern wrestling history.  Also, WWE has so much money tied up in him, they didn’t even give him the Developmental Treatment!

-For the WWE Hall Of Fame, Class of 2011, we have Shawn Michaels, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Bob Armstrong, and now, SUNNY.  Oh, Tammy Lynn Sytch.  You ushered an entire generation of wrestling fans into Manhood!

-You know, you can hate and hate and hate on Michael Cole for ruining this Diva’s Match between Bella One (I don’t care what her name is) and Eve Stupid Torres with his dickish comments, but you know, deep down, he’s saying what you ALL are thinking.  No one gives a shit about this match.  No one gives a shit about the Divas.  I’m sorry, I’m sure they work their butts off, but that’s just the truth.  This is just filler material.

-Back from break, and Michael Cole is here to announce his pick for the special guest referee for his match with jerry Lawler at WrestleMania!  This is becoming one of my favourite angles on RAW.  It’s clearly reminiscent of the Kaufman-Lawler feud of Yore, and it’s old school “Big Mouthed Cowardly Heel Gets His Comeuppance” flavour is nice.  So, Cole’s pick for special guest referee is OH SHIT, IT’S JBL.  At first, I wanted to smile.  And then, I remembered, this is JBL.  One of the few people in wrestling I have a personal vendetta against.  THANKFULLY, Stone Cold Steve Austin comes out and saves the day!  Austin Stuns JBL a few times, pours beer on Michael Cole and has fun!  He’s also the NEEEEEEEW Special Guest Referee at WrestleMania!

-Jack Swagger consoles Michael Cole backstage.  oh, Jack Swagger is “training” Cole to wrestle, FYI.  Also, I had no idea that Jack Swagger was so friggin’ tall…

-AWKWARD fucking match between Daniel Bryan and King Sheamus O’Shaunnessy.  Sheamus apparently sprains his ankle and gets counted out.  Apparently, someone high up in WWE doesn’t like Sheamus, so he’s been losing a lot.  Post-match, Sheamus Sez, if he can’t beat Daniel Bryan for the US Title next week, he’ll QUIT!!  In days long-gone, that meant that he was taking time off.  Now, it means he’s moving to SmackDown, the KISS OF DEATH for WWE Headliners.

-Back at ringside, CM Punk squashes R-Truth, whom I guarantee will be cut sometime after WrestleMania.  Completely pointless.

-VIDEO PACKAGE: Shawn Michaels blah blah blahs about Taker and The H’s.

-back from break, Dolph Zigger (whom, I am told, is being referred to as a former World Champion) is on RAW now, with AW CHRIST VICKIE GUERRERO.  He has a decent little match with John Morrison, who REALLY needs to get his ass in gear if he wants to be anything more than King of the Midcard.  Post-Match, it’s announced that the ANNONYMOUS RAW GENERAL MANAGER has signed Dolph, but not Vickie.  IF Vickie wants a job, she has to win a match next week.  Against HOLY SHIT TRISH STRATUS WILL BE ON RAW NEXT WEEK!!!

-COMMERCIAL:  Triple H was in some movie called the Chaperone.  Looks fucking godawful.

-In our main event promo, John Cena is here!  The Rock apparently got upset when John Cena responded to The Rock’s killer return promo with a Rap.  So, Cena obliges, and responds to The Rock in Hip Hop.  C’mon, that was clever.  Cena goes on to cut what is a REALLY good heel promo.  he rips on The Rock for not showing his face on live television since his magnanimous return, laced with a few masturbation jokes (TV PG, PEOPLE!).  He even had a parody of the Rock’s new T-Shirt, “I BRING IT/ VIA SATTELITE.”  Some fat guy in a smelly, old Austin T-shirt screams “YOU BROUGHT PROPS?!”  A piece of advice, Attitude Era Refugees:  Shut the fuck up.  After Cena legitimately busts Rock’s chops, the Miz appears OUT OF NOWHERE, to remind us that there IS a WWE Title Match at WrestleMania between the two!  The Miz Pearl Harbors Cena, and cuts a fairly good Heel promo, DARING The Rock to talk shit about him!  And we fade to black!

-You know what?  For the first time in a long, LONG time, I find myself on John Cena’s side.  He’s completely right in this feud with The Rock.  The Rock doesn’t give a shit about Wrestling the way he says he does.  He abandoned you asshole Attitude Era fans to go make a bunch of crappy Disney movies, coming back to the business he SUPPOSEDLY loves so much on rare, rare occasions, mostly via Satellite.  See, he loves you, but he’s just so dang BUSY to actually entertain you in person!  And, to all of those people who have recently returned to pro wrestling, because the Rock has made it COOL TO WATCH AGAIN, and are loving the fact that The Rock is supposedly schooling all of these “NEW GUYS I DON’T CARE ABOUT,” allow me to quote myself, from my 25 Best Wrestlers on TV for 2010 list:

“Some old wrestling fans can complain and bitch about how “WRESTLING ISN’T WHAT IT USED TO BE,” and how you “CAN’T WATCH THIS CRAP ANYMORE,” but hey.  There’s a reason why WWE doesn’t cater to your tastes anymore, and most of it has to do with your decision not to watch pro wrestling anymore.”

-End.