-RAW REFLECTIONS!  Snarky wrestling editorializing of televised wrestling the night before, so we can have a laugh later!  Telling you why your opinions on wrestling are WRONG, coupled with jokes!

-So, we kick off RAW in the Rock’s office.  Yeah, another week, another LIVE VIA SATTELITE promo.  And Cena is supposedly the heel in all of this, because he’s 1) Not the Rock and 2) Telling the truth.  Rocky is SUPPOSEDLY talking to Barack Obama, who watches RAW.  This strikes me as odd, because I thought the Rock was a Republican?  Whatever.  Some kid dressed up as John Cena shows up and Rocky makes the same jokes he’s been making for the past few weeks.  The only GOOD part of this is when he goes all serious.  Back to St Louis, people, we have a wrestling show to put on!!

-At ringside, Michael Cole has the COLE MINE, a protective plexiglass cube to protect him from Jerry Lawler… which becomes instantly useless the second he steps outside of it to check the email the RAW GM, COMPUTOR… but we’ll get to that in a second.  Because, The MIZ IS HERE!  Who cuts one of his best heel promos since becoming WWE Champion.  That aforementioned E-Mail comes in, and lets us know that tonight, Cena will be facing Alberto Del Rio, and that the Miz will be facing AW SHIT the Tall Khali.

-Seriously, how good do you think a match with the Tall Khali can be?  Garbage, until Alex Riley shows up to save the Miz from Khali’s Tall-ness.  While Khali is distracted, The Miz grabs himself a chair and pummels the panir out of The Tall Khali.  It’s funny watching a chair beatdown in the New WWE, where Headshots are VERBOTEN.

-Later in the show, Michael Cole has a SURPRISE GUEST to embarrass Jerry Lawler with!  Oooo!  Sounds Scandalous!

-Video package for Triple H vs Taker II.  WHY ARE THEY NOT MENTIONING WM 17!!!  Assholes.

-Oh, that Snooki thing all  The Kids think is cool is lurking around backstage with poor John Morrison.  She offers John a spot on the Jersey Shore, in a plug so shameless, it would make Snake Oil Salesmen and War Profiteers scowl in disapproval!  Vicki Guerrero shows up to screech at Snooki, and Snooki responds by calling Vicki fat and slapping her.  EDDIE GUERRERO’S WIDOW, EVERYONE!

-Back from break, here’s Sheamus O’Shaunnessy, who is slowly shedding the King gimmick, as it has been a curse for him since he won King of the Ring.  So, now that Sheamus has abdicated his throne, who is next in line?! He’s here to face Daniel Bryan in a Title vs Career match, that PROBABLY would have been better served for WrestleMania, but what the fuck do I know?  GOOD TV match though, as it got Corey all worked up; at several points, she yelled at the TV when Sheamus was almost beaten.  Good ending with Sheamus getting the win by kicking Bryan’s head off, and he wins the US Title!  For extra heat, Sheamus should rechristen the belt the European Title next week!

-Hey, Jim Cornette’s Seven Year Rule applies, here!

-Back from commercial, Michael Cole is here with his special guest, Brian Christopher!  That’s Jerry’s son, if you didn’t know.  The former Grandmaster Sexay TEARS Jerry a new asshole, calling Jerry a negligent father.  Dude wouldn’t even acknowledge Brian as his own son!  Jerry retorts that Brian is a bigger fuckup than Charlie Sheen (I know, but it actually works in this context!).  Brian fires back with asking Jerry how does it feel that his fuckup son has actually been to WrestleMania, and Daddy hasn’t?  Or, how does it feel that Brian was one of the most popular wrestlers in the WWF/E, and Jerry wasn’t? (VERY legitimate point)  Brian slaps Jerry around, and Cole eggs him on, calling Jerry a COWARD and a LOSER!  However, a certain someone has heard enough of thisOH SHIT IT’S JIM ROSS!!!  Good Ol’ JR makes a surprise visit to RAW, and tells Cole to fucking knock it off!  Cole does not cease and desist, though.  On the contrary, Cole tells JR to GO AWAY!  THIS IS HIS SHOW NOW!!!  JR responds by calling Cole a RAT BASTARD and goes to leave, but then Cole challenges JR to FISTICUFFS!  While this is happening, Jack Swagger Pearl Harbors Jerry Lawler, and then ATTACKS JR!  OH NOES!!!  Cole slaps on the Ankle Lock on JR, and this is fucking great!!!

-Back from break, Randy Orton is here!  In his hometown of St Louis!  You know, Attitude Era apologists, if you weren’t so busy pissing and whining over John Cena, you would absolutely love Randy Orton.  He’s here for the last match in a gauntlet of NEX Nexus dudes!  His final opponent is that Batista-lookin’ motherfucker, Mason Ryan (what a stupid name).  Man, Mason Ryan is greener than Grass (either the kind on your lawn, or the kind a certain Legend Killer enjoys…).  Randy makes short order of Mason Ryan, and finishes him off.  Post-Match, PUNT to the head, and CM Punk has nobody in his corner for his showdown with Randy Orton at WrestleMania!  Another feud that’s being booked wonderfully!!

-The next Inductee to the WWE Hall Of Fame is… Drew Carey?  Because he was in the Royal Rumble, once?  GOD, Drew Carey is not ageing well, either…

-Backstage, Trish Stratus (who looks much hotter as a brunette…) and that Snooki thing walk backstage, and Zack Ryder makes an appearance!  I don’t think Snooki totally “gets” this whole wrestling thing, guys…

-Trish Stratus vs Vickie Guerrero was fucking garbage.  I attempted to fast forward through it, but Corey  reminded me that it was Live TV, unfortunately.  And that Snooki thing is going to wrestle at WrestleMania?!  Oh for fuck’s sake…

-SIN CARA IS COMING!  Corey saw the promo and said “That looks like a fun video game!”

-Shawn Michaels is talking about Hunter and Taker again.

-Main Event: John Cena vs Alberto Del Rio!  I really enjoy Alberto Del Rio, lately.  Such a classic heel.  And this is SMART SMART SMART booking, to expose Del Rio to a larger audience.  After a little back and forth, Del Rio’s walking tank, Brodus Clay interferes, and earns Cena the Dairy Queen victory.  Post match, Del Rio and Brodus Clay beat the piss out of Cena until THE ROCK OMG IS HERE!  Oh wait, It’s The Miz!  THAT’S AWESOME!  The Miz comes out and further destroys Cena by dragging Cena up to the Ramp, and hits the Skull-Crushing Finale to Cena on that WWE sign on the stage!  Fade out!

-THIS was a good show.  A VERY good show.  You asshole Attitude Era fans better have paid attention, and not just to the Rock promo at the beginning.  Every single match and segment tonight (aside from the Snooki debacle) showcased WWE’s future, busting their ass.  Right now, the New WWE is on the very cusp of greatness.  But, you asshole Attitude Fans won’t even give them a chance, will you?  You’re all “I USED TO WATCH ALL THE TIME WHEN THE ROCK WAS THERE, NOW HE’S BACK AND I’M WATCHING FOR HIM AND HIM ONLY CUZ THE CURRENT PRODUCT IS SHIT EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN’T SEEN MORE THAN A MINUTE OF IT IN 10 YEARS BECAUSE EVERYTHING NEW AND CURRENT ALWAYS SUCKS!”  You are the worst fans, you know that?

-END.