-We’re one step closer to WRUSSLEMUNYA, boys and girls!  It’s just two weeks away, so we gotta kick this here Pro Wrest… I’m sorry, ENTERTAINMENT into high gear!

-We kick off RAW with BOOMER SOONER!  Jim Ross?  Nah man, it’s just Michael Cole, pretending to by JR.  Pretty standard Jim Ross impersonation, except that Cole wins points for making fun of the man’s Bell’s Palsy.  That’s some top notch heeling!  Cole throws his Cowboy hat at Jerry Lawler triumphantly, and then zips right into his protective plastic cube the second Lawler motions to stand up.  Seriously, Cole’s heel character is very entertaining at times!

-Wait.  What’s that I hear?  IZZALL ABOUTAGAME, ANHOWYAPLAYUT!!  IZZALL ABOUTCUNTRAL ANHOWYAKINTAKIT!!!  Those H’s come out to do your standard, 30 minute promo on the Undertaker around WrestleMania time.  “I’m not scared of you.”  I will end the streak.”  Standard stuff/  But THEN, Ted DiBiase Jr. comes out, FOR NO RAISON!  God, Teddy SURELY didn’t inherit his dad’s charisma, did he?  Teddy blah blah blahs, until the H’s have had enough of this mid-carder sharing camera time with him, and pulverizes the Kid.  GOOD FOR YOU, HUNTER!  I KNEW you still had “It” in you!

-And by “It,” I mean “Squashing Undercard Guys.”  Of course!

-LATER TONIGHT:  John Cena will talk to us Via Satellite, and The Miz is GOING TO REWRITE MIZTORY.  Or something to that effect.

-Back from break, and we have our NEW Champion of the United States Of America, Sheamus O’Shaunnessy!  It’s NICE to finally see an Irishman catch a break in the United States of America!  He makes short work of that plucky Evan Bourne, who doesn’t have a WrestleMania match this year, because they moved Money In The Bank to its own PPV.  Maybe Evan can play video games with Kofi Kingston at WM?  It’s not like Kofi has a Title he could defend or anything.  SPEAKING of titles!  Sheamus has one!  But a certain Internet Darling wants it back!  Daniel Bryan comes out and invokes his rematch for WrestleMania!  Sheamus agrees by kicking Bryan in the face!  I wonder if that’s how Sheamus notarizes all of his contractual obligations?  Like, if he takes out a mortgage, he kicks the broker in the face?

-Back from break, Randy Orton is getting out of a bus, and some dude with a mic runs up, and asks Randy about the bus.  YES, RANDY, TELL US ABOUT THE BUS THAT WE ALL KNEW YOU AND YOUR FAMILY RODE AROUND IN AND ARE CURRENTLY INSIDE RIGHT NOW!  IN NO WAY IS THIS FORESHADOWING HAM-FISTED OR ANYTHING…

-Eve Torres vs. Maryse gets shit all over by Michael Cole!  And again, I cannot blame him for doing so.  Women’s wrestling is the ONLY thing that has declined in the past few years for WWE, as far as in-ring product is concerned.  It was funnier when he did it to the Bella Twins, though.

-Back from break, and THE CORRE ARE HERE!  OH SHIT, LOOK OUT!  IT’S THE CORRE!!!  THEY’RE TAKING OVER AND SHIT!  Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel against Eurotrash Superstar and KOZ-LOV.  Quick match that’s followed by a trademark CORRE BEATDOWN, until Two Large, Bald and Flabby Old Dudes come down and chokeslam some people!  Tag Title match-a-comin’ for WrestleMania.

-Here’s John Cena, LIVE VIA SATTELITE!  Cena says, thanks to the Rock’s silly Fruity Pebbles nonsense, he hasn’t been able to focus, and THAT’S why The Miz has constantly gotten the jump on Cena!  OH MY GOODNESS, SUPERMAN HAS A WEAKNESS!  And his weakness is crusty, old promowork from a decade ago!

-COMMERCIAL: The TRUE Story of WrestleMania is on DVD now!  Because, you know that Vince McMahon would NEVER EVER lie to us…!

–Back from break, and someone let Michael Cole out of his hypodermic containment facility!  He’s out running victory laps with Jack Sthwagger, to jack’s shitty Rage Against The Machine knock-off.  Cole has ANOTHER Lawler-Embarrassing exclusive!  Cole has gotten his greasy hands on the LAWLER FAMILY ALBUM (conveniently labelled as such!).  Basically, Cole makes a bunch hilarious captions to some old, timey pictures of Lawler and his daddy.  THEN, he Calls Lawler and Lawler Sr. LOSERS!  THE NERVE!  That’s all that Jerry can stands, he can’t stands no more!  He temporarily disposes of Jack Sthwagger, but before he can get his hands on Michael Cole, Jack SNEAK ATTAX Jerry and slaps on the Ankle Lock!  This has to be one of the best feuds WWE has written in years, and it’s focused on ANNOUNCERS.

-YO, Haters.  Do you want to know WHY WWE booked a match involving Snooki for WrestleMania?  Because the mainstream entertainment media just gave WWE LOADS of free advertisement for Mania!  I will say, though, Snooki doesn’t look entirely human.  More like a muppet or something.

-John Morrison (w/ Trish Stratus) vs Dolph Ziggler (w/ LayCool and Eddie Guerrero’s Widow) was a pretty good match.  You know, until that damned COMPUTOR ruined it by making it a clusterfuck handicapped match.  Things happened.  Have I mentioned that Trish Stratus looks STUNNING as a brunette?

-SIN CARA: THE VIDEO GAME!  IT’S COMING!!!

-A bunch of wrestling dudes talk about Triple H and the Undertaker.  WE GET IT, they’re kind of important!

-MAIN EVENT is Rey Mysterio vs Randy Orton in a WrestleMania rewind!  Wait… Randy and Rey never had a singles match at WrestleMania…  Something’s fishy about this…  It’s almost as if WWE revised history or something!  Like they erased someone!  AW SHIT!  WWE’S MUCKING AROUND WITH A TIME MACHINE AGAIN!  Decent enough match, until that DASTARDLY CM Punk shows up on the Titantron!  He’s hanging around that TOUR BUS we all knew Randy Orton rides around in, saying he can’t wait to meet Randy’s wife!  Triple H’s home invasion/accosting of Randy Orton’s wife was much more fun, but this will do.  So, randy Orton BOLTS to the parking lot, knowing full well what it’s like to have someone making vague threats unto one’s wife, and makes it to his extra-special tour bus, ONLY to be Pearl Harbored by CM Punk, who clobbers Randy in the back of the leg with a pipe wrench!  An actress pretending to be Randy’s wife sticks her head out of the Tour Bus, possibly to ask the boys if they wanted her to heat up some popcorn, but then ends up SCREAMING and locking the door!  CM Punk blows her a kiss and toddles off to troll stupid fans on The Twitter.

-Our closing segment tonight is REWRITING MIZTORY!  Here’s Alex Riley, who was rehired as whatever, and he has a big thing underneath a cloth sheet.  And here comes the Miz!  Who is Sans-WWE Title.  Wait.  No Title?  Mysterious thing under sheet? HOLY SHIT, NEW WWE TITLE BELT YOU GU-Aw shit.  All they did was turn the Spinny Logo upside down, so it looks like an M.  M FOR MIZ!  GET IT?!  HUR HUR HUR.  Oh, btw.  Cena’s not actually Live Via Satellite.  He was in Pittsburgh the whole time!  HAW HAW!  FOOLED YOU!!  Cena comes out and charges the ring, beating up Alex Riley while the Miz heads for the hills!  And we Fade to Black!

-All in all, this show was a little flat, but I think that’s because we’re getting to that point where we’re just anxious for WrestleMania!  It’s kind of like Christmas, that way.  I’ll spare you my condescending “Shut The Fuck Up, Asshole Attitude Era Fans” lecture, and say that WrestleMania 27 is possibly the most wonderfully booked Mania in a long, long time.  EVERY single match feels important so far, and it just feels like it’s going to be one of THOSE WrestleManias, in league with Three, Ten, and Seventeen.  NEXT WEEK, the Rock shows his face on RAW for the first time since he said he was NEVER GOING AWAY.  See you then!

-END.

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