Wow, it’s Thursday already… And like a ritual of shame, pain and self-abuse, I will be reviewing the outlandish lack of action that is Total Nonstop Apologies. This week I hear that they installed a convex glass dome over the entire ring (now with 3 sides), and sealed 7 men inside in what had been dubbed a Suffocation match! Each wrestler will try to stay alive the longest until all participants are dead… THERE WILL BE NO WINNER!

The sad thing is, that would probably be the longest match on iMPACT in months. Let’s see what “really” happened.

You may not get a lot of details tonight as I am bagged from working both jobs today, and tomorrow will do the same. I should be in bed right now…

– Tonight’s episode is entitled, “The Rise of the Fallen Angel” Nice and obvious.

– Speaking of which, Christopher Daniels opens the show with Fourtune in tow.

– OPENING FORMULA CRACKED!!!!! They are going to talk, and talk, and talk until someone else comes out to do the same. Then more people will follow, mimicking the others… sigh.

– Daniels gets a good reaction from the crowd… Daniels talks about his rocky relationship with TNA. But, it comes down to his friendships with guys like Styles, Beer Money, and Kaz who built the company, etc.

Daniels is back because of what Bubba did to AJ!!!!”

– So, Daniels offer to replace AJ in the group. But we are interrupted. Immortal and his pal are out, the whole gangs’ here! Even Some Internet Guy. Not his brother, of course. Ric Flair does his usual awesomeness notes to Daniels, “I don’t even know who you are!” Essentially destroys him with the microphone, “This is prowrestling man! There’s no crying, there’s no kissing ass… there’s just being the best you can be, everyday!”

WWE@ G “NOT PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING. WHAT WE MAKE IS CALLED ENTERTAINMENTS! YES, “ENTERTAINMENT” PLURALIZED. WE DON’T KNOW EITHER. /COMMUNICATION.”

G @WWE: “Fuck off. “That’s” entertainment. Well, Ozzy and Sharon saved the bit. Whether it was necessary to be on RAW is another issue altogether.

– Flair is gold here, and Daniels holds up well against the ridiculously intense Ric Flair. Thank “God” for guys like CM Punk (who is my current choice for the next best heel promo now, and for the future). Daniels is actually smirking in a way that emotes he is loving this exchange deep down, I’d bet. Flair warns that they’ll send him home at the PPV in a stretcher.

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT?:

Flair, to Daniels:“Take your fly-by-night, in-and-out-of-the-company-ass… and hit the bricks, pal! You don’t even have a contract to wrestle here. It’s called power. It’s called glory. It’s called being in the house that Flair built, brother.”

Maybe? Maybe not. I’m only eight minutes into this show, and have it paused to type this. Daniels retorts questioning Flair being delusional with the “God” stuff (even though you know the guy is loving mic-to-mic with a master). I guess “The Network” wants Daniels here, which you’d think explains everything….BUT NO!

– Our third group is out because OPENING FORMULA CRACKED!!!!! Hogan and Bischoff our our last interrupters. They hate “The Network.” They really do. Hogan kyboshes everything because he is in charge of TNA. Hulk calls Daniels a “superhero” sarcastically (see: Suicide?). He agrees. “Superhero Daniels will have to make his way past Bully Ray, tonight. The baddest man on the planet, brother.”

– Bully Ray gets up in Chris’ face, cuts his usual brand of segment. Ray is concerned with mascara and black nail polish. That triggers a brawl. Wow, this opener was intense…. I think the following animated gif will explain:

TNA uses a Hong Kong Fuey Chop on G’s brain! Not really a cool thing to do in hockey, either for that matter! Hilarious though? Yeah…. kind of…

– Hogan and Bischoff talk backstage, and both agree that the Network seems to be getting info from the inside. Yep, we have a rat. Of course this is the first we’ve heard of it.

– * Hernandez & Anarquia (w/ Sarita & Rosita) vs. Tommy Dreamer & Brother Devon. I have no clue if I spelled Anarquia correctly. He’s this “fan” who ran in over the last couple of weeks. Anarquia? No. Think all of Chavo Guerrero’s mannerisms.

– We cut to a Spanish announcetable with Hector Guerroro and Willy Somethingorother. Did they have one of those before? Meanwhile, Dreamer carries the Anarquia guy for a while. Devon gets in too. But then Devon kisses one of the X-itas. Didn’t catch which one, don’t care. And this leads to the LAX bastardization winning. Matt Morgan runs out to save the faces, Hernandez runs away with his crew. You know what? This was longer than two minutes, so I give this match a pass. Verdict? Entertained… barely.

HOLY SHIT! Hope that kid was alright.

At least this kid was:

This little dude is a warrior. Just walked away as if nothing happened. Wow.

– Winter and the zombified Angelina Love are backstage. Angelina is eating the flesh of Curry Man, since he’s marinated. Actually Winter does more of the mind games shit to a docile Angelina who keeps on drinking the zombie Kool-Aid from a red disposable party cup.

– * Gunner vs. Samoa Joe. Your Pope, my Pope, THE Pope joins commentary. Not much here, but a squash match. Joe submits Gunner (or Murphy, or their pal…).

– Anderson backstage being documented by Wayne Arnold. He got a note from Sting about finishing what they started. Meh.

* TNA Knockouts Tag Team Title Match: Rosita & Sarita {C} vs. Velvet Sky & Angelina Love. Rule… they be rules:

PATMAN! RIGHT HERE, PATMAN!

– Angelina no-sells reacting to Velvet talking to her, and Sky looks distraught. Match begins… yawn…. Velvet carries the match… but when she goes to tag in, Angelina stares off blankly. Winter calls for Angelina TO ATTACK! She beats down Velvet and your new champions are the X-sitas. Meh. Turrible?

Charles Barkley @G: “Yes.”

G @Charles Barkley: “Agreed.”

– Mr. Anderson runs into Eric Young, backstage, looking for Sting. Orlando Jordan is there too. Anderson saunters off all crazy-like, shrugging off the two standby comedic relief guys. Hey, at least they got TV time? Where’s Brain Kendrick these days anyways? More of the hunting of Sting continues post commercial. Ken’s in rafters and this part is shot in a cool way. Ken is attacked from behind by a guy in a black trenchcoat!! It’s RVD! SWERVEZ!

– RVD beats Anderson while heeltastically messing with his head. This is a sadistic heel turn with weapons and torture. And yet, I have no clue who the heel REALLY is.

Barks did it first.

– We get a clip package, THAT SHOULD HAVE AIRED BEFORE THE BACKSTAGE BEATDOWN! DUMB! We hear from Anderson and RVD about the title being taken from them by Sting. Afterwards, more RVD beatdown clips, with RVD stating, “It’s 420, buddy. That means you’re about to get smoked.” That, my friends, was the old school RVD. Bong hits for Jesus?

– Nope, it’s Sting. He’s going to talk in the ring, and call out RVD who might be upset that Sting buzz-killed the Mr. Anderson-bonghit he just took. Brian Kendrick and Jeff Hardy are MIA, so the good stuff is hard to come by…. RVD is Towlie?

Don’t do that Towlie. You skills of playing “Funky Town” on a touch-tone keypad are epic.

– RVD and Sting talk about trying to get over Sting coming back out of nowhere and winning the title, and yet RVD lost his title without losing. RVD! Great promo from him! He shows respect but notes his history in the undercard under the Stinger, but Hogan and Eric Bischoff come out. Hogan continues his praise of RVD and his current push. He wants RVD versus Sting tonight!

– Madison and Tara bicker backstage. Madison is called insane, while she claims Tara is only here because blah blah blah…. rules apply:

Complain, complain… then the two get on a motorcycle and drive away…

– * Robbie E (w/ Cookie) & Generation Me versus Brian Kendrick (huh, he lives?) & Chris Sabin & Suicide. Wait? Who is Suicide tonight? Daniels, Kaz, or someone else? Huh, I liked that little detail. We do get a slow heel domination on Suicide, as they keep him separated from Rich Flynn’s copyrighted sarcastic trademark. Yep, classic heel beat down in the corner. Kendrick hits a hot tag, after hitting the hot-knives…. but keeps the momentum going until the Bucks take over… Generation Me cost themselves a win with their ongoing feud. Thus, Kendrick gets a pin on Jeremation-Me for the win.

– Hogan rips on Gunner, Terry, and his pal. Gunner slaps the other two in the face because he’s somebody? That’s what they want me to think. Anderson enters to talk to Hogan… Anderson wants to be the referee in the Sting/RVD match in exchange for backing Hogan later. Hogan is in.

Charles Barkley @G: “I beat up a Godzilla once…”

G @Charles Barkley: “Is this like the third or fourth time this year I’ve told you the creature’s NAME is “Godzilla”? It’s not an animal-type! Fuck.”

– We see Mickie James dead on the asphalt in an alley. Tara picks up the bike from the ground, and drives off while Madison runs on foot. She must be the Bionic-Woman. I am pretty sure the bike is faster.

Unless of course you’re in the backseat with Ghost Rider?

– Security. EMT’s. Mickie James.

– * Lumberjack Match: Bully Ray vs. Christopher Daniels. Basically Immortal versus Fourtune. While we do get time allotted, it’s mostly brawler dominance by Ray on Daniels. Finally we get some offensive by the face, but more heel attacks continue. Interference ends what could have been a decent match. Hogan wraps a chain around his fist and takes out Daniels with referee distraction. Ray for the win.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJBKyTfCjCc[/youtube]
Rich Flynn of Smackdown review fame left this lying within my “News Feed” facebook page. Perfect!

– Too long… too much… Jeffry Jarret-Karen-Angle-Jarrett is out. Or just Jeff? I don’t know anymore. They build a steel cage tonight because… umm….

– Jeff calls out Angle, blah blah, losing interest here… so is the crowd. Jeff talks about Angle being in prison (due to ice and snow mounds?). Jeff brings up wanting a rematch in a cage. Then he brings up their shared custody children. BOO, says the crowd. This is bad. Jarrett uses the “Queen’s Music” to bring out Karen, but it’s Angle who locks the door to the cage and we get a teaser for the Steal-Per-View. Nothing really happens, Jeff and Karen (where the fuck did she come from?) run off.

– I FFW through a bunch of video garbage.

– * Non-Title Match: Sting {C} vs. RVD. Mr. Anderson is the guest referee. I get to see a little bit of the RVD I love here. That much, makes this watchable for fans of him. But barely. At this point I am completely disinterested…. once again. TNA Epic Fail? Nah… when you do that weekly, it becomes normal. Anderson hits his Mic-Check on Sting, allowing RVD to land his 5-Star Frog Splash! Anderson counts three!! RVD wins!

– Anderson calls for the belt to hand to Sting, but hits RVD with it. He yells that it is his time now, etc. Rob Terry and his pal come down? They act friendly with Anderson, and place him up on their shoulders as if Anderson joined Immortal. Hogan comes out clapping to the results. Anderson may very well have joined Immortal. But it’s TNA, so who-the-fuck really knows? I say this because Anderson attacks his pal and Terry immediately afterwards as Hogan looks on distraught. Yep, a multi-PPV storyline started, AND finished in five minutes.

The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.

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This iMPACT Review Appears on Three Sites!

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BTW, Actually
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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, and Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.