As I stated yesterday in my morning ramble post, today and tomorrow will be re-post day’s. I was going to start with a story series I wrote for the Morphine Nation, until another of my favorites came up in an Xbox Live chat last night. This little tale, started as a parody of another post and became so much more to me. I rarely laugh while writing, but a lot of this had me chuckling. Enjoy your Saturday and enjoy my little origin tale.

I have traveled a long and varied road to arrive here to work for the nation and its much darker and longer than most know. You see I am an immortal and not the glittery gay kind either. I am the stuff that nightmares are made of and eat glittery vampire pricks for lunch. I also eat ass kissers, attention whores and stupid people like a fat kid eating candy. I felt it was high time that my road to this soon to be stellar web site was made known. Follow after the jump if you’re brave.

I was born in the late 1200’s in Scotland and stood with Wallace and his men before they did him dirty. In fact it was my clever parchment one liners that kept up moral at the battle of Stirling Bridge. Classics like how many English does it take to hold up an arrow? Depends on how good your aim is. Wallace use to love those, jokes and after his death I fled Scotland for what is today Romania where things turned odd. I was drinking in a tavern late one night when I was bitten by a mysterious gentleman in a bright blue robe. Turned out that it was Vlad the impaler’s great, great, great grandfather and I became a creature of the night. I refuse to use the word vampire as that term has become stained with the stench of foul mouth breathers

After slaying a few thousand Turks for being ugly I headed to Germany to make damn sure Gutenberg, got the damn printing press invented. I was so sick and tired of mugging monks for parchment to write my wonderful sonnets to murder, rape and drinking blood of the stupid. As the centuries rolled on I wandered the world doing pretty much as I pleased. I finally settled in the Americas around the time of the revolutionary war and while I may or may not have hand in a few assassinations and some strife I kept mostly off the radar until the day Al Gore single handily invented the internet. Its birth has created a new race of creatures that could have only been spawned from the pits of Hades.

Seeing the threat long before anyone else, I found myself a home on a very little forum and hung around there combating these foul creatures with many fine humans. These things don’t go after blood or meat no they feed on the intelligence of humans. They drain their victims to the point where words like rolfcopter, teh, omg, l33t and other bastardized phrases are the height of cool. They think things like cats being tortured with keyboards and those ever disgusting glittery vampires are high art. These monstrosities are what led me to these forums and in turn the blog and its where I at my very advanced age battle these mindless goons daily.

While I am on good terms with the command staff of the site I never felt the need to bury my head up their asses to get what I want. I used my immense talent and a healthy respect for them to obtain my place here. Granted while I would never go the ass licking route I wouldn’t hesitate for a second to sink my fangs in to their necks if feeling famished.

The site I call home is strong and filled with intelligent people, but I fear even it can’t survive the intelligence sapping plague that is the internet. Even now I can’t help, but feel that we are being infiltrated by these internet zombies. Never fear though gentle readers I have no plans on surrendering at this point, I was always be in the shadows watching the human world and writing a nice witty post for the masses every now and again. May Luigi bless and keep you all.