I skip this show every week for the past 9 months, then show up at random to review it.  That’s how ThinkSoJoE’s IMPACT review works!

Hmm.   What channel is Spike TV again?  Ah, there it is, 895.

Sting is apparently the network executive.  I mean, Heath Farley.  Oh wait.  No he’s not.  Immortal beat up some folks, Bully Ray didn’t give Anderson a chair, Angle pinned Anderson.  This apparently happened last week.  I have no idea.

Bully Ray has a mic.  This is apparently the Immortal faction I’ve heard about.  He puts over Steiner (Largest arms in the world), Gunner (TNA’s BlueChipper), Abyss (The only man he’s afraid of), Jarrett (The only man who can take the AAA title away from Mexico), and calls Anderson an asshole.  He says this town isn’t big enough for Immortal and Fortune.  Anderson takes a mic and asks if he heard that correct.  He calls Bully Ray an asshole and says the ring isn’t big enough for the two of them.  Last week, Bully Ray volunteered Anderson to face the best wrestler in the world Kurt Angle.  Not only that, but he screwed him.  Ray says Anderson couldn’t get the job done, but Anderson says he screwed him.  Anderson says he hopes that it was worth it.  It’s not going to happen necessarily any time soon, but he’s a vindictive person, and he’ll get him back.  Ray asks who Anderson is again.  He reminds us that he’s the guy who lost the World Heavyweight Title after being in Immortal for one week.  Week.  He’s weak.  Bully Ray is a 23 time World Tag Team Champion, and when Bischoff and Hogan ain’t around, he’s in charge of this illustrious group.  He’ll become the World Heavyweight Champion.  Anderson is dog crap on his shoe on the way to winning the title.  Anderson’s got an idea.  Hardcore Justice.  Neither of them are booked.  They might as well settle this.  Anderson decks Bully Ray and Immortal separate the two.  Then somebody’s music hits.  Apparently it’s Fortune’s music, because they come out.  Kaz calls him “Bully Ray Cyrus,” and wants to remind him that it sounded like they were going to call out Fortune.  If that’s the case, they’re RSVPing.  Fortune hits the ring, and run off Immortal.  James Storm seems to have hurt his back.

Tonight, the Bound For Glory series continues as Hernandez faces James Storm, and we’ll have the contract signing between Sting and Angle.

Miss Tessmacher is taking on Madison Rayne, NEXT!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

The Knockout Champion, Mickie James is here for some reason.  She’ll be facing Winter at Hardcore Justice.  he’s joining in on commentary for the following match.  Madison Rayne is out first.  Miss Tessmacher is apparently one half of the Knockouts Tag Team Champions with Tara, and is Madison Rayne’s opponent tonight.  Tara gets tossed, so it’s one on one.

Miss Tessmacher vs. Madison Rayne

Tessmacher does a Stinkface, and then Madison Rayne is in control for some reason.  This match is booked really well.  Hair tosses by Rayne.  Madison turns to yell at Mickie and Miss Tessmacher rolls her up for the pin.

Winner by pinfall:  Miss Tessmacher

Madison Rayne attacks Tessmacher after the bell.  Mickie goes to stop it but Angelina Love stops her.  Mickie takes out Angelina but is taken out by Winter.  Angelina holds Mickie, and Winter thwacks her across the face with the Knockouts title.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

In Texas last week the BFG series continued.  A bunch of people won matches and got points.  I don’t really care.  They showed the leaderboard, but I wasn’t paying attention.  Also in Texas last week, the pussy ass singer of Kings of Leon had a hissy fit because it was “too hot” and canceled the rest of his tour.

The next match is also a part of the BFG series.  Which, if I recall correctly, every single match these guys are in no matter who they’re facing count toward this, so I guess that’s redundant.  Devon is out first, and he’s taking on the one and only Phenomenal AJ Styles!

AJ Styles vs. Devon

I’m a huge fan of AJ Styles, and since November I’ve only seen him wrestle once – at the TNA BaseBrawl here in Buffalo.  AJ works a headlock for a while, then the pace picks up.  Meanwhile, The Pope is hanging out in the crowd with, apparently, Devon’s kids.  Devon hits a spinning elbow for a two count before turning his attention to The Pope, which costs him when AJ Styles locks in Alberto Del Rio’s finishing move, but Devon gets to the ropes.  Styles sets up for the Styles Clash but Devon escapes.  Devon goes for a reverse impaler DDT.  Styles hits a Pele for two as Daniels shows up at ringside.  AJ goes for a springboard after he’s distracted by Daniels, misses, and Devon rolls him up for the pinfall victory and 7 points in the BFG series.  Yes, that’s two matches with essentially the same finish so far tonight.

Winner by Pinfall:  Devon

Daniels and Styles argue, Pope and Devon exchange glances, and this segment ends.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Taz and Tenay are all gung ho about Sting vs. Angle.  And why not?  Angle wants a clean victory over Sting.  This is TNA, buddy, that ain’t gonna happen.

Video: Sting and Angle’s history.

Pope is babbling backstage but I can’t hear him because my wife is talking about a mirror.  Apparently, he’ll be facing Devon at Hardcore Justice.  Up next, it’s Pope vs. Samoa Joe!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

WTF did I just see an ad for?  Anyways, Pope is making it rain.  Matt Morgan is making conversation with Taz and Mike Tenay.  And Samoa Joe is making the angry “I didn’t get an entrance on TV” face.

The Pope vs. Samoa Joe

MAJOR names in the industry have been praising Samoa Joe lately, and the guy doesn’t even get an entrance on IMPACT.   Which likely means he’s not winning.  Let’s just call it Pope with a roll-up off of a distraction and be done with it.  The fans are behind Joe, but Pope isn’t when Joe comes running in backwards to the turnbuckle.  Pope takes control, when Devon comes out to the ring.  Joe uses his power to turn the tide briefly, and then manages to lock in the Kokina Clutch to get the submission victory…  but he won’t let go.  Joe gets disqualified, and thus loses 10 points in the Bound For Glory series.

Winner via Disqualification:  The Pope (wins 3 points)

Joe chases after referee Jackson James.  Joe says they don’t want him anywhere near the gold, hence why he’s in this stupid tournament.  It’s because he’s a threat.  They tried to kill him, but they won’t.  They will not.  He will not go silently.  They’re responsible for their actions and will be held accountable, and the blood will be on their hands.

James Storm and Robert Roode meet up in the back, and Storm is in no shape to compete.  Roode says they have to defend the Tag titles in three days, what’s more important than that.  Storm says nothing is.  Roode offers to take his place,  and Storm agrees.  Roode vs. Hernandez, coming up!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Brother Ray is on the phone asking how he instigated and wondering why he has to apologize to a guy he doesn’t like.  He says he’ll do it out of respect to the caller.

Street fight time!  Accompanied by Rosita, Sarita, and Anarchia, is Hernandez.  Mexican America will get a tag title shot this Sunday at Hardcore Justice.   What the fuck is Sarita wearing on her face?  James Storm is accompanied by Bobby Roode, or at least that’s how it’s announced.  Storm can’t go, so Roode will take his place.  Christy Hemme confirms such.

Bobby Roode vs. Hernandez

I haven’t watched this show in forever.  Who the fuck ARE all these people with Hernandez?  I mean, I know who Sarita is.  I think she’s the taller one, right?  Roode takes control and starts using weapons early on.  And when the hell did Roode go back to being “Bobby?”  It sounds weird to me.  Hernandez turns the tide, and Supermex flies with a shoulderblock before whipping Roode with his belt.  Roode starts to battle back, but to no avail.  Hernandez scores a two after a shot with a trash can lid.  I stop watching for a few minutes because it’s really bugging me what Sarita’s wearing on her face.  Apparently it’s a protective mask.  I have no idea why.  Roode Superplexes Hernandez into the ring and grabs a Kendo stick.  Roode cracks him three times with it – once in the stomach, once in the back , and once in the head.  Roode takes control for a while, but he makes the mistake of charging at Hernandez, who brick walls him.  Hernandez goes for the Border Toss, but Storm reverses it.  He hits the Double R Spinebuster but the referee is distracted.  All hell breaks loose, Taz finally explains that Sarita is wearing the mask because of Miss Tessmacher, and Hernandez – guess what – takes advantage of the distraction and rolls up Roode for the pinfall victory and the 7 points.

Winner by pinfall:  Hernandez

Bully Ray finds Ken Anderson and apologizes for any and everything he’s done that’s offended Anderson.  Bully Ray wants a handshake.  Anderson refuses.  Bully Ray feels like a jerkoff begging for Anderson’s approval.  Anderson shakes Ray’s hand, and Ray knees him in the balls.  He says “Who’s the asshole now?”

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Oh crap, there’s still another 50 minutes left of this?  Ugh.  Oh well, let’s keep marching forward.

Later tonight, we’ll review the Kurt Angle vs. Sting Empty Arena Match from 2009.

Austin Aries?  I remember this dude, kinda.  Wasn’t he like Austin Starr or something like that?  He’s a pretty ugly dude.  For no reason we show the Spanish Announce Team.  Aries’ opponent is a guy who wowed me back at the BaseBrawl, Alex Shelley!

Austin Aries vs. Alex Shelley

Aries attacks Shelley before the bell.  Damn, even this dude’s tattoo is ugly.  That should be his gimmick.  World’s ugliest X Division guy.  Even his tights are ugly.  Shelley takes over and dominates early.  Next week, apparently, we’ll have several new X-Division talents debut.  They’ll have to work hard if they want to be as ugly as Austin Aries.  This match is all Alex Shelley.  Seriously.  I feel like I’m watching my pal Barry Hardy on Superstars back in the day.  Of course, as soon as I said that, Aries starts to mount a comeback.  It doesn’t last too long though.  Shelley takes him down but misses the stomp from the top rope.  Aries was going to go for Sliced Bread, but Shelley escaped.  Aries tosses Shelley from the ring and then puts on Shelley’s jacket.  He’s planning on using the spikes on the jacket as a weapon.  Shelley goes for Sliced Bread #2, but Aries crotches him on the post.  He hits a brainbuster and picks up the victory.

Winner by Pinfall:  Austin Aries

Aries gloats and puts the boots to Shelley.  Brian Kendrick runs out to make the save.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Usually around this point in the review, G starts talking to Charles Barkley.  Where you at, Barks?

Ah crap, I said CHARLES Barkley.  CHARLES. Not GNARLS Barkley!

Eric Young is coming from his agent’s office.  He came to terms on a contract, and he’s going to take some acting lessons.  His acting coach, Marki Costello comes in.  She asks about his belts.  He says he’s in charge of television because he’s the Television Champion.  She tries to coach him.  She fails miserably.  She says it’s been a complete waste of time.

Coming Soon, he fights Scott Baio, apparently.

Kurt Angle is going to do commentary on a match from two and a half years ago now.  Yay.

Sting vs. Kurt Angle (Empty Arena Match from February 2009)

Kurt Angle can talk about a match from 2009 all he wants.  Do I have to talk about it too?  Drow already talked about this matchhere.

No Contest.  In an empty arena match.  That made perfect sense.

I don’t know why I’m reviewing this live.  I could FFW through this stuff a la G.  BTW, they didn’t show the whole match, presumably because Booker T and Kevin Nash work elsewhere now.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Sting has arrived.  I guess when you’re the Champion you’re allowed to show up an hour and a half after the show starts.

And now we’ve got another BFG match.  Whoever gets the fall gets the points.  Steiner and Gunner are the first team.  Their opponents are some dude named Crimson. He’s undefeated, apparently.  I stopped watching 9 months ago and have never seen the guy, so I’m not impressed by that statement.  His tag team partner is…

ROB VAN DAM!  THE WHOLE F’N SHOW!  ROB VAN DAM!  THE WHOLE F’N SHOW!  ROB VAN DAM!  THE WHOLE F’N SHOW!  ROB VAN DAM!  THE WHOLE F’N SHOW!  ROB VAN DAM!  THE WHOLE F’N SHOW!  ROB VAN DAM!  THE WHOLE F’N SHOW!  ROB VAN DAM!  THE WHOLE F’N SHOW!  ROB VAN DAM!  THE WHOLE F’N SHOW!  ROB VAN DAM!  THE WHOLE F’N SHOW!

It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten to see RVD in action.  He’s one of my all time favorites, so I’m excited at the prospect of this match.

Rob Van Dam & Crimson vs. Scott Steiner & Gunner

Not a bad start to this one with Steiner and Van Dam going back and forth.  Gunner gets the tag in, and he gets a little back and forth time on offense with Mr. Thursday Night.  Crimson gets the tag, and then it’s his turn to go back and forth with Gunner.  Pretty decent match so far.  Surprising when you consider that one of the guys in the match is Scott Steiner.  It’s Steiner that finally manages to maintain some offense, taking it to Crimson.  The Immortal stablemates utilize quick tags to keep the fresh man in the ring and to cut the ring in half.  Gorilla Monsoon would approve.  Crimson uses his power to create some separation.  He gets the tag, as does Gunner, and RVD takes the momentum right away, but Steiner snatches it from him with a belly-to-belly suplex.  Van Dam takes back over with a springboard kick and a Rolling Thunder.  This match breaks down, as tag matches tend to do.  Crimson spears Gunner in half and RVD five-stars him, but Steiner’s the legal man, who hits the Steinerline on Van Dam for a two.  Steiner sets Van Dam up on the top rope, but Crimson catches Steiner with an Electric Chair.  Van Dam catches the Five Star on Steiner, and picks up 7 points and the win for his team!

Winners by Pinfall:  Rob Van Dam (earns 7 points) and Crimson

RVD is now in second place behind Crimson.  RVD says it feels awesome to win, especially since he’ll win this tournament.  In three days, RVD and Crimson will face each other at Hardcore Justice.  Crimson congratulates him on getting the 7 points.  At Hardcore Justice, Crimson will win and get the points and stay in first place.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

We get a rundown of the Hardcore Justice card.

JB is in the ring with a podium and a red carpet.  That means all hell is about to break loose.  I mean, we’re going to have a contract signing.  He brings out the challenger, Kurt Angle first.  And then, the TNA World Heavyweight Champion, Heath Farley himself, STING!

Angle signs the contract first.  Apparently they read it earlier.  Sting signs, and it’s official.  Goodnight folks!  What do you mean there’s still five minutes left?

Angle says that there are very few men that he respects in this business, and Sting is one of them.  Sting’s never screwed anybody.  If Angle becomes half the man Sting is, he’ll know he did a good job.  But at Hardcore Justice, it’s business, not personal.  No matter what happens, there will be a handshake at the end.  But the man who will win will be Kurt Angle.

Sting doesn’t feel like laughing too much.  He thanks Kurt for his words.  He’d be lying if he didn’t say he’s just as much a fan of Kurt Angle’s.  He calls Kurt the greatest ever at everything.  When it comes to the title, it’s never meant as much to Sting as it does right now.  The company belongs to Dixie Carter, not Hogan and Bischoff.  He made a vow to everybody that before he hangs up his boots, he’ll bring the company back to it’s rightful owner, so losing is not an option for Sting.  Angle will have to come real close to killing Sting to win the title.  Sting will win.  That’s what’s real.

The end.

Overall?  Meh.  It seemed to go on forever.  It was better than it was when I last saw it, but I’m not sure that I’d watch this on a regular basis on Thursday nights.  It did what it needed to do tonight, however – I’m interested in the storylines heading into Hardcore Justice.

———————————————————

Find this review in the following places:  BoredWrestlingFan.com, and at Wonderpod Online.

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