Once again it is Saturday and that means digging out a post from my archives. Last week I started you off with the first Episode of Mister Sandy Toaster Pant’s and his adventures. This week we will move on to episode two in that fine series. If you happen to miss the first episode it can be found here.

When we left Mister Toaster Pants he was making his peace with the toaster gods and choosing which scary method of transportation he would use to get across the river. After considering his choices and taking into account his fear of lubed snakes he went with the giant hamster ball shot out of a rubber band. The Mad Scientist outfitted Mister Toaster Pant’s with a crash helmet, stuffed him in the ball and rolled him to the rivers edge. Now some of you may be thinking that wouldn’t it be easier to just float the ball across. The problem with that theory is the ball is punctured with air holes so the ball would sink to the bottom. So the Mad Scientist loaded the ball into the rubber band sling shot and after counting down from five flung the ball high in to the air.

The ball achieved a beautiful arc as the Scientist saluted the ball and its pilot. After several minutes the ball came back to earth with a thud and enough force to cause the ball to role for several hundred yards. Mister Toaster Pant’s was still alive, but puking up circus midget sperm and toasted moose loins. It came to rest at the feet of an old man dressed in an orange robe with an orange dunce hat. After a taking a few moments to collect himself Mister Toaster Pants climbed out of the hamster ball quite surprised he had survived. The old man was looking at him quite strangely and asked where he had come from and did he have anything to declare.

Mister Toaster Pant’s was shocked as he realized that this odd gentleman dressed in orange was The Salami Lamia known through out the land as the only Custom’s agent/ welcome committee/ snack machine all rolled into one ancient man. Mister Toaster Pant’s was quite lucky indeed to run into the Lamia as he would know the way to the village of bread midgets. This was a fortuitous event in deed for our intrepid adventurer.

So he asked the wise Salami Lamia how would one to get the village of bread making circus midgets from here.

The Lamia scratched his head and stared long and hard at Mister Toaster Pant’s. He said my good man if you are willing to toast four pieces of weasel strudel he would tell him the information he needed. Simple enough task for a man whose pants are made of toaster’s so they quickly made him the strudel. Okay my good man, you will travel just a short distance north of here and you will come across a road. Take that road until you reach the village of banjo playing ferrets. Once you reach that village take the first road to the east and this is where your journey becomes quite treacherous. Once you’re on that road you will travel through a very dark forest that is home the dreaded skimmer witch. No one has ever survived a trip through this forest due to the witches taint.

Why is she called the skimmer witch Salami Lamia asked Mister Toaster Pant’s? That’s simple my friend. While studying the dark arts as a child she would just skim through spell books she was so impatient to get to the next spell book. So her spells are twice as wild as a normal and deadly as a normal spell. It has also driven the poor witch insane with half of her spells hitting her instead of her target. So while there is no way I will attempt to stop your journey I am afraid you are doomed to fail my strudel toasting friend

Mister Toaster Pant’s thanked the Salami Lamia and started his journey to the banjo ferrets. On his way he ran in to an anvil storm which lucky he avoided all of the anvils and several falling coyotes which seemed odd as there are never coyotes seen during anvil storms in his homeland. After several more hours of traveling on foot up hill both ways and some times side hill he could tell he had reached the village of banjo ferrets. Have you ever been to a town that’s filled with the people playing the banjo. Making it worse the towns folk where all playing different tunes. Mister Toaster Pant’s didn’t even bother with trying to find anything other than a tavern with a bed to rest in for the night. After some searching he found a combo tavern and hotel. It was quaintly named Hotel Three Quarters. The hotel was sound proofed so our hero can sit and contemplate how to deal with the skimmer witch after a few days rest.