It is Sunday, a day of rest for some and a day of hangover for the rest of you. I wrote a series of stories toward the end of my time at the Morphine Nation. They were silly, a bit crazy and above all fun. The hero of the story was a character I created long ago and finally found something to plug him in to. Interestingly the first story was written two to three years before the rest of the series. So from episode two on, they were written on a weekly basis. A lot of what was going on in my daily life at the time influenced what went in to each episode. I am proud to present Mister Sandy Toaster Pant’s and his adventures.

Mister Sandy Toaster Pants lived in small village of Air Shire. The village was a bit strange as all the buildings in town floated eight to ten inches of the ground. It made accessing ones home quite difficult at times as the people in the village never knew how tall to build the steps. Mister Toaster Pants was unique in that he wore pants made of working toasters. He went all around town toasting things for people. On any given day he might toast some bread, a muffin or six and the occasional scone. The only thing odd about his job was the payment he required for his toasting service.

He required that each patron had a midget circus clown for him to fondle, pet and call his own for an hour or so and he would toast up to four items for the patron. Now he would toast odd things like a squirrel, small kitten or a slab off lamb (wool off) for an hour and a half with the midgets. Strangely the midgets did not to seem to mind the arrangement, but outsiders always wondered where the villagers got there midgets from. Day in and day out Mister Toaster Pants went about his life toasting things and fondling midgets until one day a stranger came to town with tales of a whole village filled to the brim with bread producing midgets.

Mister Toaster Pants became quite excited and asked the stranger over and over about the location of the village. The stranger told him that it was away across the river dickle and to the south. This news caused our hero to become quite sad. You see the river use to have a bridge with a large green troll prostitute living underneath. Granted you had to give the troll a small child each time you crossed, but she kept the bridge in good shape and at the same time kept the population of the land low, by eating the excess children. Problem was due to governmental budget cuts the troll had been replaced with an out of work internet forum moderator.

As anyone that has visited these disturbing forums knows all moderators just like the title, they aren’t worth a tinkers damn at upkeep. So the bridge had become a shell of its former self and wasn’t even safe to cross on. This was a terrible problem for Mister Toast Pants. With all the toasting equipment on his pants he would be killed trying to swim across. There were a few boatmen around the village, but since the bridge had gone down their prices had become outrageous. They required you to give them a midget circus clown for the trip to the other side. Apparently this wee strange land used midgets as currency. Well while Mister Toaster Pants fondled many midgets daily he had never had one for his own. In fact our hero didn’t even know how to obtain a midget for his own so he had to come up with some other way across the water.

He decided to visit the village inventor who was called the Mad Scientist. No one was sure if that was his birth name or whether he had it changed later. If anyone was going to get Mister Toaster Pants across the dickle it would be the Mad Scientist. Now after consulting with the inventor for a bit they came up with the options. Option one was to shoot our hero across with the super silly string cannon. The idea was that the silly string would brace your impact when you slam into the ground at several thousand feet per second. Option two was a giant rubber band and a large hamster ball. Simple enough concept insert subject into hamster ball and fling with rubber band. The final method was the vibrato-copter. It was a machine with a giant vertical propeller and a balloon basket underneath that. Under that was a giant circle with a rail built vertical around the circle. It was powered by a crew of snakes lubed with whale blubber. No one knows why the blubber was needed, but the vehicle had sustained flight for several minutes. Mister Sandy Toaster Pants was in a quandary, he didn’t like the look of any of these moods of transportation yet, he desperately needed to cross the river to find the village of bread midgets. Only time would tell what our intrepid hero would do to solve his plight.