Yesterday with my archive post I gave you another thrilling episode of Sandy Toaster Pant’s. I decided to switch it up a little bit and give you an old list post today. This comes from a time when the use of videos and lists post at the Morphine Nation was a hot topic for debate. I wrote this one and others to not only support list post’s, but to be a giant jack ass to the people who didn’t like them. This one was entitled things you never say to a cop.

Much like my video independence day yesterday I am now starting my list post revolution. Sure the supposedly cultured and elite think their nothing more than lazy parlor tricks. Fact is I don’t fucking care what they think. They are fun posts to do and I while I have avoided them for a wee span on time, I refuse to avoid them any longer. So enjoy some list goodness or not, the choice is ultimately yours.

There is no such thing as public you lying bastard.

What the fuck did you stop me for? I was only doing seven to ten over the posted speed limit. I am still going to slower than the trucks.

Screwing the top back on the tequila bottle is not going to get you out of open container ticket. Doing it in full view of the officers doesn’t help your case.

Expecting to get out a ticket after having an extended conversation with the cop is never smart. Neither is calling him a rat bastard when you realize you’re still getting a ticket.

Offering a cop a beer when your buddy gets pulled over even if there is none in the car doesn’t end well. If you’re lucky your buddies frisking is worse than yours. Dealing with your buddy afterwards will have mixed results.

Peeing on a cop’s leg in a drunken stupor outside your hotel is bad. Attempting to run away with all the speed of a man who has two broken legs isn’t bright either.

Accidentally mooning a highway patrol car is bad. Don’t make it worse by trying to explain he wasn’t your intended target. He isn’t going to buy it. Adding what you do with your ass cheeks inside the car is your business isn’t a valid excuse either.

Upon being told your getting a ride home in a patrol car, never ask to be driven down Main Street like you in a parade. They don’t find you funny at all.

You also won’t get a laugh for asking them to go code three (lights and sirens) as you really need to pee.

Never make fun of a trooper’s hat.

Probably should remember what happened the first time you made fun of a trooper’s hat as your thinking about doing it a second time

When the truck you’re driving has a California license plates and the driver has a Pennsylvania drivers license and the load looks suspicious never argue as to why they have pulled you over. Don’t even bother attempting to explain why you have a half inflated camel in your tool box. Just fix the head light like they ask and move on.

Never utter the words, do tasers hurt as bad as all the YouTube videos seem to indicate. If you’re drunk and a bit surly they will let you find out.

Same goes for the bean bag shotgun and anything firing rubber bullets.

Finally never attempt to recreate the days of thunder shtick with a female officer. Nothing sexy will happen. In fact you will find out just how many orifices a nightstick can fit and not in a friendly way.