Whoop-dee-do! It’s Thursday Night Suffering Time! According to some semi-spoilers I’ve run across (unintentionally), some are saying this is a sure contender for the worst iMPACT of ALL time. Great, and it’s my job to review it. Expects tangents… many, many umm…

TANGENT TIME!!
————————————

Tonight The Main Event Mafia is back! Well, likely except with original members Booker-T and Kevin Nash who just recently appeared in the WWE Royal Rumble on Sunday. This event was won by Alberto Del Rio, but both men were spotted in Boston prior the event and leaked as attending via the interwebs:

Funny coincidence of subtitle, no? Even better? This is a random coincidence of Google pointing me to the best thing I could have found as an inside joke to boot! Actually more than one…

And the five six time champion Edmonton Oilers King Booker T!

I watched the NHL All-Star Game also on Sunday. It was fucking pre-empted by curling. Yes, that retarded sport that is basically shuffleboard on ice… weak. Almost as weak as the silliness surrounding the NHL/Marvel Guardian Project….

– Also, those vignettes on RAW teasing a mystery grappler, may very well be Sting. We shall find out shortly.

– I am very happy Del Rio won the Royal Rumble. Best PPV I totally stole and did not pay for I’ve seen in a couple weeks! I realize that this is a TNA review, not WWE. I was all for reviewing the most retarded wrestling program I watch when I brand-hopped Smackdown to iMPACT… having Rich come in for the blue brand was sweet. 😉

– But seriously, folks… Is anyone else out there wanting to change “;)” to “Alberto Del Rio?”

– I did a wrestling related podcast this week, because. That was the reason. I already shilled it in a post, and fuck it if I won’t shill it again.

———————————————————————————————–

– Alright, onto the show I am reviewing.

– We start with Fortune/Immortal all in the ring, and Eric Bischoff invites Scott Steiner down to the ring for a chat. Eric tells us Dixie Carter is still messing with the legal system and as a result there will be no Hulk Hogan tonight. There will be no Kevin Nash or Booker T, nor Sting. And he invites Steiner to join the winning team with him and his crew. Steiner is offered two choices, join or get beaten down. So Steiner picks a third choice, placing his foot up Eric’s ass… then cuts a prototypical impromptu promo demanding to be called “sir” by Eric. Jeff Hardy and his brother, Some Internet Guy, seem to take exception to this…

Some Internet Guy went on the win the Royal Rumble in 2011…

– Out comes Angle and Crimson to retort… Kurt begins, “Scott Steiner is right, you are a piece of shit. […] They’re here… oh it’s real, it’s damn real.” End segment. Not too bad to start.

– Jeff Hardy is complaining backstage that tonight was supposed to have Hogan and he was supposed to get his world title back… sounds like someone has a case of the “supposed-to’s” Bischoff cares not for these things, nay, rather he is wondering where the hell is Flair.

– Gunner and… umm… his Pal are out to face Ink Inc. Great. This looks like a winner, but alas it was pretty bad. Ink Inc. wins, but nobody cares. I think that they piped in the crowd cheering too…

His pal continues to wonder what the fuck does gooney-goo-goo mean… quite the pondering…

– Kurt Angle is on the phone… with some new surprise who is coming to the show.

– Then we get an interview bit with Jarrett and Karen Jarrett-Angle… Karen more or less tells us that Jeff is a better father. Total Non Stop action, people… non stop…

‘Cause you can’t, you won’t, and you don’t stop…

– March 3rd the court ruling on the kayfabe ownership dispute will be resolved between Bischoff and Carter. Then Eric Young joins commentary saying he knows who the mystery “They” member is, but can’t tell us who “they” is because he will be killed… great. Then more Jeff and Karen Jarrett cutting some kind of MTV Cribs video package. God awful.

WINNER!

– We return to the ring, where “Bully” Ray Dudley brother 3D is talking to your pope, my pope, THE pope D’Angelo Dinero. Ray notes that he is content to have a new brother and partner that is better than Devon ever was. “But more importantly Pope, you’re not weak like Devon was… you’re right Pope, there is a god.” We know Bubba, it’s Ric Flair, remember? Pope grabs the stick and delivers a little sermon on Samoa TMZ Joe. We are told that Pope will face Joe at the Against All Odds PPV. It’s not a bad little rant, but D’Angelo’s big burn on Joe is to refer to him as a Sloppy Joe. Thus, I have no choice whatsoever to post the following SNL gem (sorry kids, but rules are rules):

This bit made me chortle milk out of my nose the first and numerous times after I saw it.

– It’s time to get to some brawling, since this brings out both Joe and Devon. Security and whatnot attempt to break up the ruckus, which is just leads to more silliness. Bubba takes some beer during the chaos and spits it in the faces of Terrence and Tarrel (who Tenay and Taz tell us are Devon’s sons sitting at ringside). Completely unnecessary to have them in this spot without introduction, and therefore this smark could care less. I’m starting to understand the spoiler criticism with every minute that passes. This is a program that was so rushed and tied two storylines together in suck such an incredibly retarded way… WTF barely describes it… and like a moth to the flame, I am drawn to incredible stupidity.

I don’t care if someone edited this, because of… well… awesome.

– Jay Lethal versus Jeremy Buck versus Douglas Williams to qualify for the X-Division tournament. No entrances or themes again… this might be good, provided we are given time. They get about 5 minutes at best. There is a lot of quick action, but the result is essentially that Max Buck interferes and gets his partner heelish win to have Jeremy advance.

– More Immortal/Fortune talking backstage about the “They” and Angle needing an army to take out their crew. Bischoff and AJ Styles seem to console their differences towards getting back the World Title from Mr. Anderson.

– Cut to Sarita warning the Knockout division that her cousin Rosita is coming next week, and some promo’s from Jeff Hardy and Mr. Anderson talking smack about each other. It’s all reminscient of the now-cancelled Reaction style of cinematography filmed by Kevin Arnold’s big brother Wayne. I don’t mind this format, to be honest with you.

– Mr. Anderson comes down to the ring to address Jeff Hardy, beckoning… no summoning, “the self-proclaimed anti-Christ to bless us with his presence.”

What is this necromancy? Elemental magic? Perhaps alchemy? Yeah, if it’s Jeffy Hardy, it’s got to be a drug reference.

– Anderson plays off the crowd, talking Superbowl stuff (Packer related) and combating the popularity of his face-based Asshole shtick with Hardy’s Creature’s of the Night. Hardy dons his eyes-of-glazededness (not a word, drugs do that to you) as Anderson actually destroys him with microphone skills. Anderson even directly draws from his much-stolen SCSA lexicon by using the “EHHH EHHH!” bit. But wisely plays off the Green Bay versus North Carolina rivalries… Hardy slips out some face stuff here, showing respect and notes he doesn’t need Immortal/Fortune to beat Anderson. The crowd breaks into a “Prove It, Prove It” chant. Nice! And Hardy goes on to state they will dedicate their match tonight to both the Creatures of the Night and Anderson’s Assholes. “AND…. AND…. may the best man win…. what’s rightfully mine.” I’d doubt that, but this promo wasn’t turrible.

I’ve decided to distract you with something very cool. HEY! Don’t look behind the curtain! NO! Eyes are focused HERE!

– Cut to Mickie James talking about her upcoming match with Sarita tonight…. hmm…. where the fuck is Velvet Sky? Pat Man is going to be pissed about this and I had shit planned, so I’m pulling the trigger like Kurt Cobain on this one now:

– Normally when I throw down a shout-out to the Pat Man, he of the Velvet Sky rule (yes, I write these under the rules of a drinking game), I post an animated gif of the said Knock-out member of the Beautiful People. But not this week… no, the rules change arbitrarily… deal with it. From Ed Whalen and me, comes the mighty Jason and his “Rrrrrrarrrrr” response to everything. Yes, Jason “the Terrible” of Stampede Wrestling fame… the Zodiak who found a way to steal the Ultimate Warrior’s inability to cut a translatable promo with coherency….  Calgary FTW!

Bruce Hart reference?  Yep. Brian Pillman reference? Fuck yes.

– More Jarrett/Karen home video garbage. I feel bad for their kids being exploited..

– Sarita versus Mickie James. This is some kind of brawl gimmick match. They kind of explain it, but being TNA, it’s still ambiguous as fuck. And, since the Knockouts break out into a run-in laden brawl segment, I expect nothing but that. God forbid they would put some graphics on the screen for me to cite…. BUT NO! Will I rewind? Fuck no. Things start off rather well, as Mickie seems to have picked up her game with some catch-as-can style flips and rolls, as well as nice looking drop kicks. But then she makes a mistake going to the top ropes, allowing for Sarita to reverse the momentum. Then Mickie appears to be selling a hand injury via the ring post. Enter psychology, heeltastic psychology if you will. Sarita works the hand with stomps and submissions and the like. I guess this is a “taped-fists” match if I heard Tenay right? After a pretty good go around, Mickie cold-cocks Sarita for a TKO win? Yes. Her music plays, that was the stipulation….

– I got worried for a second there, but Madison Rayne runs out to interfere with her magical ring MMA glove.

– Bischoff continues to be scared about Kurt Angle’s “They” with Jeff Hardy, etc. Hardy wants his match to be without interference to which Easy-E reluctantly agrees.

Charles Barkley @G: “Lulz, I You-tubed that Jason the Turrible video, those were good-times! I love slasher movies!”

G @Charles Barkley: “There were so many things wrong with that fake tweet, that I can’t believe I am even responding…. Did Charles Barkley actually watch the wrestling that is Stampede? They had the same theme song as Fashion Television. I still want to know what the fuck was up with that.”

– Mr. Anderson versus Jeff Hardy. As Anderson begins his entrance gimmick, Hardy interferes and gets the action going before the match even starts. As a result we get a lot of officials (and Al Snow) coming out to break things up and actually start the match… which is about to happen, so that means it’s time for commercials. Therefore, here’s a video bouncing around the interwebs….

ESSENTIAL WRESTLING VIEWING:

This is unspeakably good for all the wrong reasons, and thereby purely awesome.  If you don’t watch this, I sincerely hope you die.  Because some things so bad, need to be enjoyed.  c/o: CZW Night of Infamy 9, 11/13/2010.  The Osirian Portal vs. The Runaways are “kind of your match”

– The match finally ensues, and Hardy doesn’t look too bad tonight. Rather, we get some decent action including a nice spot where Hardy lands a Twist of Hate-Fate on a suspended Anderson between the ropes. The crowd has abandoned Hardy in the iMPACT zone. Hardy works Anderson further outside the ring, using the barricade, posts, and steel steps… then hits an awkward looking Whisper in the Wind where he may have fallen on his head.

– Then my internet goes out briefly. But not Anderson’s stamina, who has a short burst of retaliation. Now the crowd is divided between Hardy and Anderson? Weird. Jeff Hardy becomes a hypocrite, making a gang symbol hand-gesture to the back invoking the Immortal/Fortune goons to come down and render this matchup into a beatdown…. or so you’d think!!! SWEET!!! FORTUNE TURNS IN IMMORTAL AS BEER MONEY, KAZ AND AJ STYLES TAKE OUT Gunner and his… Pal, and Hardy! Fuck yeah! Hardy gets taken out by Styles and Anderson retains whilst the referee comes back into conciousness? Hmmm…. so is “They” actually “Fortune” joining Angle and company? I smell a Russo…

Survivor Man G understands…

– AJ Styles explains in a ring promo that “Fortune will not take a backseat to anyone” and that this is their home, so they’re taking it back. Looks like Anderson is on their team too. Out comes Bischoff and Some Internet Guy without a shirt… ugh. So they is Fortune? Yep. “YOU DROVE A BILLION DOLLAR BUSINESS, OUT OF BUSINESS” screams AJ. Back and forth, and the two bring up the politics of the Hogan/Bischoff/Hervey thing and the boys who built TNA. Angle and Crimson have joined the “They.” March 3rd is the date on the court hearing, we’re reminded…. so this feud will be drawn out until then. I like this turn, and AJ is pretty good on the stick tonight. I guess the dirt sheets and I will have to disagree thus far. Is this all fucked up? Yes. Do I expect anything less from this promotion? No… not in the slightest.

– The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.

“If they have disagreeable news, they’ll postpone the discussion to another time…  This is no time to down father for a raise in your allowance, new clothes, or argue about other financial matters….”  Also, thank you to Sugar Ray Dodge for this installment of a linked video.

———————————————————-

This iMPACT Review Appears on Three Sites!

———————————————————–

Bored Wrestling Fan
A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan

Wonderpod Online

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

BTW, Actually
These reviews started off in a place called Project Wonderboy, a site that shares the name with it’s original founder, “whatever.” But this incarnation was under the Morphine Nation banner. That site is now evolved with all it’s original members at BTW, Actually. This place is all about challenging censorship and political correctness in an intelligent way.

———————————————————-

Shameless Plugs!

———————————————————–

The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, and Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.