I don’t have an introductory paragraph tonight, just a sentence.

– Tonight’s episode is entitled, “Hot At Teacher.” No, I don’t have a clue what that means either. Nor will I bother addressing the use of grammar (so I can get away with mistakes I make later on in this).

– Mr. Anderson is in the ring wondering who the hell calls the shots around here… Bischoff, Carter, Jarrett, or the Network. He wants his rematch and sits in a chair until he gets a rematch. He wonders why the Network doesn’t like him either…. and the crowd starts chanting asshole! He plays off of it and notes, “Rob Van Dam isn’t exactly a law abiding citizen…”

Hmm… I wonder what Ken could be referring to…

– Enter RVD who puts a little stoner in his voice, and cuts a decent promo about what the two men both want to accomplish here. RVD notes Ken is deadly on the microphone, but he’s not the whole-F’n-show, and he will screw him over at the first opportunity. Ken retorts not caring about a bunch of things including “I don’t care if you have a little bit of Chinese in you…” Wait… what? I know RVD has a little THC in him, but Chinese… hold on, wikipedia time… PAUSE!

– Huh… well I did find a guy named Rob van Dam (lower case “v”) who is a Adjunct Assistant Professor in the Department of Nutrition and Epidemiology with Harvard… he is working on: He conducts research in Asian populations using the Singapore Chinese Health Study and the Singapore Prospective Study 2.” Medicinal?

– Back to the show! Ken and Rob begin brawling as officials and referees enter the fray to break things up… Enter Easy Eric Bischoff with the Immortal crew, including notables like Karen Angle Jarrett, Some Internet Guy, and his Pal… Eric was going to give Ken the rematch, but now is booking Anderson/RVD for the main event. I’m cool with that, actually. Jarrett puts a little sugar on the match, adding Angle into the bout as a three way dance. Cool!

-As we cut to commercials, Steiner drinks more beer on screen, cutting a fake commercial as Eric Young poses behind him selling the shitacular pose-off between Steiner and Rob Terry. Remember that garbage he did with HHH over in the ‘E? Yeah, it’ll suck as bad, but with even more suck than ever before.

It’s a good thing I have no roommates sometimes…

– The video segments of Karen and Jeff preparing for their re-wedding, this time they are checking out a wedding dress… and drinking heavily. Karen doesn’t like the dress. Cut to Kurt backstage about this segment, who points out “I couldn’t give her away quickly enough…” Nice.

– * Eric Young & Orlando Jordan vs. Gunner & Murphy His Pal. Beer Money! joins commentary. Very early sexual innuendo as Young trips Gunner or his Pal (who cares) into Orlando’s crotch area. Funny spot as Young runs the ropes unnecessarily avoiding Gunner/Pal. Early on, they break into “Obligatory Tag Match Breakdown Time™” (courtesy of Rich Flynn over at BWF), as the heels isolate Young. Gunner gets the pin as a result of this 3 minute match.

– TNA is dead to DrowGoddess. I’ll have to read this later, since it may contain spoilers… and I’ll have none of it! I’m sure it’s a good read. Check it out (later, finish this first).

– Angelina talks with Velvet Sky about the Winter shit, nothing major here… speaking of “obligatory,” here yah go PatMan:

Now is a good time to invest in Kleenex.

– I’ll post the “rules” to G reviews iMPACT one of these days… but until that day… TAKE IT HOME! Oh wait, I just ripped off Jamie Kennedy… His Toys, Toys, Toys article is linked there, check that shit out. Good article.

– Here comes Brother Devon to address his ongoing feud with Bully/Brother Ray. One can only assume he’s here to talk about the treatment of his son’s at the hands of his former tag partner. The crowd is pretty hot for Devon. Is he “teacher?” I’d use the word “the” in that last sentence, but I was playing off the title, right? Devon is all sad-like that he can no longer protect his sons. Hey Devon? They adults mang! But he is pretty good at the emotional shtick here. Terrance and Tyrell… etc. He wants revenge, but Ray interupts on the Tron and tells us “he is going to take one of his own, and put him through a table.” I don’t get it… is this a supposed relative of Devon that Bubba is beating on? This is some Heavy Burtation right here… but it gets weirder… see Tommy Dreamer interferes and prevents the attack, they brawl to the arena, but Devon accidently attacks Dreamer! Then looks sad.

I want to see some Panda matches in TNA… seriously, the shit that makes this show… this would be one of the more logical angles.

– * Magnus vs. Crimson. This is an interesting match up, since neither of these guys have really done much in a while… sheesh, was the last time we saw Magnus when he was chatting with Douglas Williams in that famous “Shut Up Hooker battle?

Yeah, this one…

– Magnus points out Crimson is carrying Kurt Angle’s bags around, and they begin the action. Well, if by action you mean under 2 minutes. Crimson gets the win in a “Don’t Blink” match…

– * Posedown: Rob Terry vs. Scott Steiner. Meh. Rob Terry enters first, I guess. How does this work? Terry grabs a microphone and tells Steiner that Scott is old, and he is the REAL genetic freak of TNA. Great. Steiner enters wearing a suit. Maybe he’s kyboshing this fiasco? Scott hits up the microphone, and completely destroys Terry with his promo skills. “Why don’t you call yourself, ‘Chernobyl’ […] because you’re a couple vitamins away from a chemical disaster…” HAHAHHAHAH!! Terry calls him a coward, and a typical American, which of course garners heat from the American crowd, so Steiner begins to undress only to attacked and Terry chokes Steiner out with his tie.

Never seen that before…

– Security/Trainers break it up. Cut to Winter talking to Velvet backstage about letting bygones be bygones, but Velvet will have none of it. Well… at least this story-arch has run for months, which most IWC tend to criticize TNA for.

– More Karen/Jeff crap, this time with a Preacher about the wedding. But who cares about that, since WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

– Ric Flair is out to address the crowd, likely his heel turn (would’ve been a face turn a few weeks back) on Fortune. The crowd boos the baddies… This is going to be awesome! “Oh Lord… How it’s hard… to be humble… when you are the NAAAATURE boy Ric Flair… GOD! I repeat, GOD!” he begins, and instantly all heat is gone as the crowd chants his name. That was an even quicker turn, huh? Flair calls out AJ. “There’s two gods…” he notes pointing up and down, “God up there, and god in this ring!” Brilliant!

Charles Barkley @G: “Turrible! He just took the Lord’ name in vain!”

G @Charles Barkley: “Did he? YOU decide. Wait… I think I just became a heel.”

– AJ obliges the call out, but refuses to let Ric “get to him.” AJ is pretty good here! Again, the IWC shits on Style’s mic-skills… well done AJ.

LINE OF THE NIGHT:

Flair: “James won’t even come near me… I offered to buy James (Storm) a hundred beers last night, where was he? Nowhere to be found!”
AJ: “He was drinking” (insert sarcastic “what-do-you-think”-face with a shrug).
Flair: “But not with God…”

– Fuck it… making animated gif… now…

– Flair sends out some more golden line, but it dissolves into a brawl as SuperMex Hernandez runs out to help out the Nature Boy! AJ manages to get shots in, but Hernandez keeps coming back to attack him.

There you go…

– More brawling… and then Chuck sends me this:

Charles Barkley @G: “You’re totally going to hell, G.”

G @Charles Barkley: “Yeah, likely. What? You thought I’d make an ‘I’m already in hell joke, I’m watching iMPACT joke? Too easy.'”

– Flair gets busted open, I guess… and pulls out his classic flop from fatigue spot… Styles goes to set up the Styles Clash on Flair, but no! More Hernandez! Fortune finally runs out to clear out the ring… Matt Morgan runs out and attacks Hernandez and they fight into the backstage area.

– Anderson cares about nobody in TNA, other than the title… he has tunnel vision, in fact.

– We get a video package rerunning the whole court ruling on who owns TNA over the whole period from Hogan joining TNA announcement a year and a half ago… this was decently put together, and ignores all the logic holes in the story… so basically like 90 of it.

There you go… again…

– * Non-Title Match: Madison Rayne {C} vs. TBD. It’s an open challenge from last week! I bet you it’s Sting! Yeah! Well, the dirt sheets already leaked a signing… so it should come as no surprise that it’s ODB. Taz and Tenay note her breasts are like midgets. Or something along those lines. ODB starts with her “spirit meter” at 100% and just unleashes violence like us smarks would want to see in female wrestling. Madison reverses the momentum as ODB misses a Bronco Buster. Madison’s charisma is heeltastic here, I’ll give her credit. ODB eventually regains control by hulking up, and lands a Bronco Buster with her second attempt… but it’s not enough, as Madison lands some garbage finish for the win. WHAT A GREAT RETURN FOR ODB! 🙁

– Velvet grabs a camera man who wants “this documented.” And she confronts Sarita (and Rosita), and accepts the career match against Sarita next week. Sarita plays it up that it will be a straight up one-on-one match, shaking her hand. Then as Velvet leaves, her and her cousin laugh… how they laugh. I don’t. Yawn.

Sometimes grabbing a camera man is not a good idea for one’s career. Sean Avery might be able to tell Velvet a little about putting your career on the line on camera. BTW, if you can’t see the video above, it’s because the site this is posted at hasn’t installed the “Word Press Video Plug In.” They really should, it only takes 4-5 seconds and makes the site WAY better. Send them hate mail.

– More Karen/Jeff wedding stuff… losing interest quickly here, folks! FFW!

– I guess there is some Angelina housemate from the Jersey Shore show calling out J-Wow of the same show I don’t watch. I hate orange people… I’ve mentioned that before. TNA is certainly good at booking an “I don’t give a fuck” match stip on a regular basis. I contemplate suicide… until…

– * Rob Van Dam vs. Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle! We’ve got 20 minutes to go (including advertising and ring entrances).

– Anderson plays the heel to start as the other two double team him to start. So yes, psychology does make an appearance on TNA this week! It lasts for just over a minute, until Brian Kendrick’s weed dealer (i.e. RVD) turns on Angle and the dance truly begins… lot’s of suplexes and whatnot… Lots of brawling takes the three to the outside as we cut to commercials…

When I was a kid, being a teenager was synonymous with being retarded. That shit doesn’t change… there’s always new fodder to turn 15.

– And we’re back (well, I am… you’re just reading this, but I review in real time). Anderson is controlling things in the ring, with Angle M.I.A. and RVD getting beat down. RVD sells a sick German Suplex from the top ropes by Angle! Angle messes up Anderson, and goes to slap on the Angle lock until ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS and Karen/Jeff walk down the aisle in a distraction allowing Anderson to pick up the win!

– Tenay and Taz roll down tonight’s events… but then we close with the most blatant rip off of WWE’s recent Undertaker returns video “mysteries” hyping Sting. Yes. This happens. I suppose it’s good on TNA for playing off the rumors and sending the message that THEY got Sting first. THEY. A third coming? Meh… check the video below at the 1:14 mark, smark.

Sheesh… Thanks to PatMan for sending the video to me to post!

– If anyone out there can explain the title “Hot At Teacher” to me, please let me know in the comments below… because for the life of me, I can’t figure this the fuck out.

The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.

———————————————————-

This iMPACT Review Appears on Three Sites!

———————————————————–

A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

BTW, Actually
These reviews started off in a place called Project Wonderboy, a site that shares the name with it’s original founder, “whatever.” But this incarnation was under the Morphine Nation banner. That site is now evolved with all it’s original members at BTW, Actually. This place is all about challenging censorship and political correctness in an intelligent way.

———————————————————-

Shameless Plugs!

———————————————————–

The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, and Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.