Last week TNA shot their proverbial load all over my television screen like they’d been free-basing Charlie Sheen all night. What will they have in store for us this week? Did they actually have anything planned for the show other than the Jersey Shore’s Angelina having a match? Do they even remember they have a PPV on Sunday? Doubtful. But there’s only one terrible way to find out.

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s iMPACT reviews work.

Charles Barkley @G: “I tell you silly Canucks every time, it’s pronounced ‘turrible.’ I’m hiding behind this honkey tonight instead of watching with you, G.”

G @Charles Barkley: “Thanks… some tag team partner you are! You’re like Kobe to my Shaq…”

– Tonight’s episode is called: “The Return of the Icon.” No mystery here… no puns. They actually got it right. They’re still in North Carolina, and the atmosphere is excellent.

– We kick things off with Sting entering the to celebrate his win of the TNA title over Jeff Hardy last week. He gets a mic and talks about accomplishments, etc. Thanks to fans, cheap pops, etc. Also, he puts over Jeff Hardy even though disagrees with his heel turn storyline. And since Sting is talking about Hardy…. Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff come out, because they must steal that limelight. Basically Hulk calls Sting a quitter for when he left… Sting’s retort is not wanting to deal with the three headed monster that is Hogan, Bischoff and Flair. But as the Stinger sat at home, the fire burned within him to come back and do something… I guess.

Charles Barkley @G: “What are you going to do, Chris Bosh yourself to sleep tonight over me not watching with you (also, I’m not sure where I am right now).”

G @Charles Barkley: “Ha ha… Boshing over spilled milk, indeed. Bosh me a river?”

– I hope you don’t think the opening segment is already over, because it’s not. Nope, out comes Mr. Anderson. He wants his rematch that has been put off for weeks, he is pissed. He even pantomimes sign language in an asshole way. This was spot on as to how his character should be actually. He runs everyone down.

Guitar hero? Maybe. Asshole? Certainly.

– Still NOT over… out comes Jeff Hardy, wants a title shot. Blah blah, RVD is out to do the same thing. He points out this whole thing started when he got stripped of the title (true). And that none of this would have happened if when he actually got HIS rematch, that Anderson screwed him over in his role as referee. Hogan cuts him off, “no one calls the shots around here, except me!” Easy Eric Bischoff decides tonight we’ll have a tag match with Anderson/Hardy teaming against RVD/Sting. Also, Anderson and RVD will meet at Victory Road on Sunday. Three day build? Well, not really. But TNA does such a bad booking to remind us.

– Backstage Cookie, Angelina from the Shore and Sarita confront the Beautiful People and Winter. Smack talking and what not. And since we’ve officially now seen Velvet (and rules are rules), the following is paid endorsement by Kleenex, brought to you by the PatMan:

The fapping I imply is necessary to keep my pacemaker from stopping, PatMan controls it with a remote-control.

– Samoa Joe w/ Okato versus Your Pope, my Pope, THE Pope, D’Angelo Dinero. The Pope enters from the crowd and sneak attacks Okato with a chain-wrapped K.O.! Joe has none of it, and pulls the Man from the Vatican (they should call him that) and begins his regularly scheduled killing. Joe dominates to start… We get some back and forth until Joe slams Dinero into the matt. Pope begs on his knees, calling for a time out, and Joe slaps him across the face! Joe sets up a top rope Muscle Buster, but Pope counters with his chain-wrapped-fist and gets the win.

– Backstage to Bully Bubba Ray trying to walk down the hall, and Dreamer is called out to the parking lot to settle Dreamer’s interference in Ray’s business…

– Commercials! One of them is from Hooter’s telling us about the NCAA March Madness kicking off March 17 (SWEET!). But their promotion is “National Hooky Day” which runs on March 17 AND March 18. You know, because one day equals two? WTF?

– Madison Rayne versus ??? in a title match, in another open challenge match. Rayne gets on the microphone to hurt my ear drums… oww… shrieking!!! OWWW!!! You know what that means:

Where’s A.J. when I need him? Speaking of which, where the hell is Douglas Williams?

– “[…] so lucky lady of the week, come out so I can make you famous.” And her challenger is ROXXI! YEAH! Loves me some Roxxi. Still I bet she gets squashed. Roxxi is in fine form here, whether bumping or playing ring general. But sadly, we get the loaded glove shtick here (yes, a second one in a row), and Rayne ruins everything. Match time? I dunno… like 2.5 minutes? Mickie James’ music hits, as well as the knockout to the ring. Rayne bails, likely setting up this bout for the PPV. I say likely, because the announcers SAY NOTHING. But don’t worry, because they have plenty of time to build this for the PPV next week… oh shit, no they don’t. Typical.

– Dreamer segment where he accepts the parking lot brawl?

– Cut to outside in the parking lot with Bubba looking for Tommy. “Dreamer… come out to play-ayay!” Awesome Warriors reference, actually. I appreciated that.

Clink… clink… clink…

– BUT NO! Devon attacks Bubba instead, laying out his former partner in retaliation for weeks of attacks. Wow, Devon has packed on a beer gut. Devon lays the shit out of Bubba with weapons and goes to grab a sledgehammer until Tommy calls him off, noting that Devon will go to jail and to stop. Devon is led away by the Innovator of Violence (of all people). Some random security guard checks on Bubba, who attacks the guard… whips him with a chain, and tosses a fucking steel guard fence onto the guy while screaming, “Don’t you ever put your hands on me.” That segment was completely violent.

Pictured above: The definition of “logical booking” directly from the TNA dictionary.

– Angelina/Cookie/Sarita versus Love/Velvet/Winter. Pure chaos to start… and continue. This thing goes by fast as hell, and there is not a lot to say. The Jersey Shore girl does pretty much nothing, and interference from Robbie E costs the heels the match with Velvet and her crew picking up the win. I’m not sure what the point of that was. The best part of the match was at the start when Winter did the ass-wiggle entrance to the ring and stuck her ass into Velvet’s face. And that seemed to be the only backstory that continued in this car-wreck of a match. Also, Love and Velvet will face Sarita and Rosita for the Knockout tag titles. I can’t remember which team actually holds these titles though… comment below and remind me.

LINE OF THE NIGHT!!!
– Cut to Anderson talking to Jeffy Hardy (pictured seated) and Hogan a Bischoff just off camera.
Anderson: “You guys are kidding me again,” then laughing sarcastically, “ha ha ha…”. “Get real with me… are you high?”
[Camera cuts to Bischoff and Hogan who just stare awkwardly at Anderson, and Hardy doesn’t react]

That’s right folks! The Line Of the Night is the awkward pause after Anderson indirectly refers to Hardy’s pending drug charges!

– Anderson and the heels discuss battle tactics.. etc. Then a package reminds of us of Ric Flair turning on Fourtune/Fortune…

– Ric Flair’s music hits, Hal is pleased. He enters the ring with Some Internet Guy, accompanied with some WOOOOOOOOS! He calls out A.J. Styles to the ring. “You’re in Flair country, I hope it’s grabbing you by the balls,” begins Flair… to which Styles responds, “And you’re in TNA, the house that A.J. Styles built.” The crowd pops bigger for Style’s line here. Flair’s facial expression is one that almost says, “I taught you well young Padawan…” My love for Ric Flair finds a new height once again. When he eventually passes away (likely strutting, and wheeling and dealing), I might very well have to stop watching wrestling in honour of the greatness that is Ric Flair. People, you can shit on TNA all you want… you can book tentacle rape from Japan into each and every match… but I will say this. THERE IS ONE REASON TO WATCH IMPACT (yes, this is necessary to be in all-caps-lock), AND THAT REASON IS RIC FLAIR. “I’m going to give you a little breathing room, and set the table one more time,” Flair retorts…

This guys whole gimmick wishes it could be even 10% as cool as the Nature Boy! Yes, I did do much scientific research to qualify the previous point. I just kind of lost the results… I think I left them on the jet we were flying on…

Matt Hardy Some Internet Guy interrupts and repeatedly calls Styles a kid, and that he doesn’t know him, vice versa… SIG became a victim of the business and the systems, etc. Good promo, actually. Although, the kid stuff was kind of lame. A.J. notes, “I can accept that, but personally though… I don’t like you or your brother and attacks.” Since a match seems to be starting, TNA naturally cuts to commercials.

– Ric Flair/Some Internet Guy/A.J. Styles in a 3-Way Street Fight. I guess this “street” is actually a ring. Fuck, parking must be a bitch. Anyways, the two heels attempt to dominate, but Styles holds his own. Styles locks a figure four on Flair, only to be broken up by SIG off the top ropes with a legdrop. The action goes outside the ring, and Styles knocks Flair’s head into a guard rail… Flair must have fell on top of some fan’s french fries, because he’s got a shit load of ketchup/catsup all over his forehead suddenly. 🙂 I prefer vinegar and salt and pepper. It’s mostly a brawler as we continue and Flair spills condiments EVERYWHERE.

YOU DECIDE!

– But the heels eventually overpower Styles who suffers a lowblow from Flair and a Twist of Hate from Hardy upon a steel chair. Hardy lets Flair get the pin. WOO? Wow, ketchup is everywhere.

– Sting consoles RVD backstage, and since Immortal brought in RVD, Sting thought he was part of it. Sting apologizes to RVD and admits he was wrong, but RVD sarcastically says he’s sorry too… time for another beer for this G…

The way I put my shirt on in the morning is vastly superior than these n00bs. HAXOR!

– Generation Me versus Ink Inc. Looks like the Bucks made their flight this time… Beer Money! is out to join commentary. Storm is accompanied by beer, of course. Remember how awesome Rhoode was about six weeks ago? Me neither. I’m not sure how I feel about this match. There is certainly some potential here… Gen-Me plays the dominant heel team, but with dissension in the ranks. It’s a good match that goes almost 4 minutes. This is an iron man match in TNA. Jesse hits a neat spear from the seated position on one of the Bucks while launched in midair by his partner, essentially leading to the win for Ink Inc.

– I FFW through a bunch of video replays… may have missed something new, but frankly don’t care.

– Looks like there will be an Ultimate X match this Sunday between Kazarian, Robbie E, and Generation Me as they forget the fact they wrote this off last PPV. Huh? It seems that TNA is playing off the fact nobody remembers what they saw on this show within 2.42 seconds of seeing it.

Sort of like the previous animated gif I posted last about the T-Shirt, and whatnot. See what I mean?

The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.

———————————————————-

This iMPACT Review Appears on Three Sites!

———————————————————–

Bored Wrestling Fan

A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

Wonderpod Online

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

BTW, Actually
These reviews started off in a place called Project Wonderboy, a site that shares the name with it’s original founder, “whatever.” But this incarnation was under the Morphine Nation banner. That site is now evolved with all it’s original members at BTW, Actually. This place is all about challenging censorship and political correctness in an intelligent way.

———————————————————-

Shameless Plugs!

———————————————————–

The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, and Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.

———————————————————-

G’s “RULES” reviewing TNA’s iMPACT:

———————————————————–

Here’s how the current set of rules I use when watching this show. I mentioned I would post these at some point, and here they are. You will need a twenty-sided dice and a 26 of very cheap whiskey to play this game. Fuck the fourth wall.

While I might not watch the live-to-tv airing, I will get the review of the show up the night of… but I WILL record it (PVR), so I can FFW through commercials.

If I pause for any reason, or rewind for that matter, I will make note of it. It’s TN-Fucking-A, I can’t save face admitting I’m watching it at this point anyways.

I edit in real time, in the sense, while the show is on my television (but I record it on my DVR and start late)

MATT HARDY IS NOW “Some Internet Guy”

D’ANGELO DINERO is “Your Pope, my Pope, THE Pope”

GUNNER AND MURPHY ARE NOW GUNNER AND HIS… PAL courtesy of Ric Flair….

“Shut up hooker!” AJ Styles line will appear on occasion, especially when Madison Rayne emulates Vickie http://www.gifsoup.com/view3/1550422/classy-aj-o.gif

“Heeltastic” – DrowGoddess needs more, and since she’s awesome, I’ll provide it.

Velvet Sky appearances require animated gifs and PatMan references.

“Heavy Burtation” occasionally something makes no sense. https://wonderpodonline.com/?p=1720

Michelle McCool references are renamed “Michelle McRibs” even though she is not on this show (Former Smackdown rule, that MUST apply).

So there you go….Ok, get the fuck off my lawn…