Here we are tape-to-air for another installment of TNA iMPACT. Will Jeff Hardy appear tonight? Hell, no. But it gets sillier folks, they are apparently planning on bringing him back later as a babyface. While many people questioned him turning him initially, now people are collectively face palming questioning why he is even employed. But enough about that guy, let’s get to the suffering… and an interesting parallel between TNA and a game called Homefront. This is a pretty long article, so keep it in the background as you go through your Friday. Lot’s of goodies, and whatnot.

SPECIAL CHEAP PLUG!

Starting this Sunday, March 27, 2011, a joint project between the good people at Bored Wrestling Fan and Wonderpod-Online will begin a week long Celebration of Professional Wrestling. Make sure you check in daily for new content at either site as we count down the days to WrestleMania 27 on Sunday April 3, 2011! As always, both sites will continue to deliver the regular awesome content you’ve come to enjoy!

I’ve placed the following rant in block-quotes so it’s clear as to where the iMPACT review starts in the case you have no interest in reading my Homefront meets iMPACT rant.

– Before we get to the show, I realized something about a game I purchased just over a week ago called Homefront. Now I realize some of my fellow wrestling-fan brethren are not gamers, but this game has some qualities that remind me of TNA and it’s fans. The first-person-shooter world is dominated by two games: Call of Duty and Halo. They are the WWE equivalent collectively. On the horizon came a game called Homefront, which promised an alternative style of play both in single and multiplayer modes.

– While many complain that most shooter games feature very short single player stories, this is somewhat the norm for the genre. However, much like iMPACT, Homefront delivers a lot of nice eye candy and flash, but with an extremely short amount of time to play. Kind of like the matches on iMPACT.

– Homefront fans are similar too. We held out hope that while the story is short (or not delivering as much as we’d like, as on iMPACT), that the multiplayer would provide a ton of action and long-term play value for the game. Sort of like a TNA PPV would deliver conclusive matches that last longer than 2 minutes. But just like Victory Road, this experience was an epic fail. And I am not using this cliche of the internet lightly. With all the hype and expectations, just like the PPV, the experience of online multiplayer has been abysmal. Simply put, it does not work. It is clearly broken. They posted an in-game message noting that playing with friends as a game party will not work, yet if you try to play on your own, it still fails to connect. You sit and wait… and it never delivers. And like iMPACT, if you ARE in a party, you sit through hours of talking and get NO ACTION. Meanwhile, the hype machine promises good things are coming, and patches will fix these problems.

– Much like anyone who slapped down $60 for this title (or $40 for the Victory Road PPV), one gets the feeling that this is a media run around that will not happen. Just like many TNA fans who have thrown their hands up in the air, abandoning the wrestling organization completely… the outcry from the gaming public is somewhat akin. The game publisher, THQ, has see it’s stock plummet over the last few days as a result. They went so far as to remove their forums in a pathetic attempt to hide their heads like an ostrich in the ground. Gamers, like TNA fans, are flocking to attempt to salvage their investment of money (or time), by trading in their copy as fast as they can. But wait, just like TNA and THQ are bleeding money, Game Stop has already reduced the trade in value to about $12… within a week of release. If Game Stop is the equivalent mainstream of perception of game value, clearly the piss-poor ratings from the mainstream wrestling community of iMPACT is rather reflective. They’re just giving up on the title completely.

– Then you get the weirdo-holdout fans (like myself). The ones who either keep watching the program or hold onto the game, dearly hoping things will actually get better… perhaps in vain… perhaps out of stupidity… or perhaps that they truly and sincerely want that promised alternative to the big-league competitors.

– I am one of these TNA/Homefront fans… but for how much longer remains to be seen. More so with the game, but I digress. /rant.

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– Ok, here we go… we get a montage of Anderson’s constant whining about his lost title shot. They put autotuning on his voice and points, and edit it like the House on Haunted Hill (1999 version) for some reason. It’s like the editors got a whole bunch of new effects plug-ins they wanted an excuse to play with.

– Tonight’s episode is entitled, “Do the Math.”

– Anderson enters with a math prof, Hubert something or other, and walk up to a white board as Anderson reminisces about times past in school. He tells the math prof that he needs his homework checked to see if he is right about his claims that he is deserving of a title shot. He refers to “Razor Van Dam,” which gets a mixed reaction, in how they were both pinned at the same time. I won’t even begin to get into why the stuff on the white board is horribly incorrect… some math nerd might correct me anyways…. his calculations dissolve into “I WANT MY FRIGGIN’ REMATCH.” Then he asks the math prof whether Anderson’s crush on some girl in his class was approached by the prof who told the girl he was gay. Anderson asks if this was true, not that he has a problem with people swinging that way, rather the whole lying thing is uncool. This leads to an “asshole” punchline of some kind, and Anderson takes out the prof… umm… ok.

Charles Barkley @G: “I’m a little preoccupied with helping cover the NCAA tournament tonight to suffer along side you, G. And, what is wrong with you? Homefront online is awesome! And by online, I mean ‘on-lines-of cocaine.’ 2/3 Charlies agree! I wonder if he’s still winning, or if anyone is still following the other Chuck…”

G @Charles Barkley: “I think you exceeded 180 characters there… I think with Japan, Libya, Rebecca Black, and Casey the Punisher, Sheen has been largely forgotten about, actually.”

– In the same segment, Hogan and Easy Eric Bischoff come out to retort. Eric wonders what Hogan sees in Anderson, calling him a bad comedian who cannot make a point, etc. He’s kind of right, even though I am strangely entertained by Ken. Hogan thought the shannenigans with the professor was “spot on… was entertainment, brother!” But he notes Kenny-boy has been messing with Hogan’s rules… not cool. Hogan claims he offered Anderson a spot in Immortal last week (no he didn’t), but he wanted to think about it. His rematch contract was signed by Dixie Carter and means nothing. Tonight he will face RVD in a rematch one on one… if he wins, he gets his rematch. Out comes RVD. Commercial break…

Featured: Bret Hart’s most recent attack on Hulk Hogan via Twitter. Necessary? You decide.

LINE OF THE NIGHT?

As we return from commercials for our “opening segment.” Yes, I realize that makes no sense, but hey… it’s TNA, right?

RVD: “Don’t look surprised Anderson, this is pro wrestling. When you talk smack about someone, their music plays and they come out. And, you’ve got to answer to the smack you were talking.”

– Thanks for stating the obvious Rob. I laughed at this for so many reasons. This was both awesome and terrible at the same time. RVD notes he doesn’t like this either. Anderson calls Hogan a douchebag. RVD asks why he bothered signing with TNA anyways. He was at home burnt out from the politics and road… he came because it was Hogan, but he calls Hogan out on all this crap lately. “You told me let I could be myself here, and if that’s the case this could be RVDTV…” Crowd pops! “Quit holding me back, and let me be the Whole… F’n… Show…” This was a really good bit/shoot by Van Dam.

I get thirst… time for a cold beer.”

– Enter the Stinger, who also calls Hogan and Bischoff on not being able to run the show. And that they are delusional about their control. Sting tells us that the Network called him and said he’s the special guest enforcer in the match tonight! Now HE has the control.

– Fuck, that was way too much at once, but rather enjoyable for some reason.

Tenay and Taz replay the animated gif above, and tell us that AJ has bruised his spine and is at home recovering.

– I pause to go back to catch the second half of the Duke/Arizona game in the NCAA Sweet Sixteen Showdown. They’re almost tied… Like the rules of G reviewing wrestling dictate, I ‘fess up when I use my remote control, and so… no Sting… I have the control. Worst joke ever? The Arizona Wildcats win… Duke totally collapsed. 93 – 77. 🙁

– Mickie James versus Mickie awkwardly skips down the the ring… Madison Rayne tells Tara to do her job backstage, then she hops on her bike to drive down. If you have to ride a motorcycle to get to the ring, you are super lazy, people! And we all know Tara is a great worker, just saying. Hey hey! This one is worth watching! We get a neat spot with Tara perched on the top ropes and Mickie upside down in a head scissors position, but Tara drops with her held in position into a Sharp Shooter! That looked devastating! Mickie gets out of the submission, and manages to land her finisher and pick up the win with Madison standing at the ramp looking rather pissed off.

Fresh food always tastes better. At this point, I don’t think I need to explain how the fuck this relates to the show I’m watching. They need to explain how the show I’m watching relates to the show I’m watching. And by they, of course I mean Immortal or Fourtune… or maybe Some Internet Guy.

– Anderson tells Sting backstage that he stole his title shot, but Sting says “the Network awarded me a title shot.” Anderson points out that this is BS, but Sting disagrees. Pointless bit that actually makes Sting look heeltastic.

Get that shit out of here…. Also, G continues to miss Phil Hartman. 🙁

– We see a recap of Your Pope, My Pope, THE POPE, D’angelo Dinero beating down Okato backstage torturing him whilst chained up. He tells him if he wants some footage, here it is and kicks him. Get it? Footage? BAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA. So bad, it’s good. Man I love this shit. It’s turrible, yes… why in god’s name do I watch? I. DON’T. FUCKING. KNOW. EITHER.

– Okato (announced by “accident” Ohh-kat-Ah!. Taz notes this on commentary) versus The Pope. The Green Hornet’s rip-off gimmick has a sweet drop kick, by the way. Okato misses one from the top ropes later, allowing the Pope to begin his personal Crusade against him… including Pope kneeing him in the skull repeatedly standing outside the ring with Okato’s head draped over the edge, with the ring drapes over his head. DRAPES! Cool spot though. More Pope beatings ensue until the ref DQ’s the evangelistic Pope for his blatant violence. Pope drops the ref, and Samoa Joe runs off the Pope as angry stares commence. Okato bleeds from the mouth. You know what? I think they kind of got it right here tonight. I give is seven 4’s out of the word “watchable.”

This looks like a good idea…

– An interview montage with Sting’s history getting into wrestling, Angle’s story with Jarrett, etc…. all towards how Hogan and Bischoff are ruining TNA. It’s pretty decent. I guess they prevented anymore bizarro video editing like with the intro video with Anderson.

– Hulk meets with RVD about his promises to RVD being “his guy” when he brought him in. Hogan tells him it’s Eric that see’s something in Anderson (even though this goes AGAINST EVERYTHING WE’VE SEEN!), and Hogan’s in his corner. RVD looks like, well… Fuck that! Hogan chuckles as RVD leave, “God, what an idiot.”

– But who cares since it’s…. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! The Nature Boy’ah! Dirtiest player in the game! Accompanied by Bully Ray and Some Internet Guy. So Cal Val sits on the rope to help Ric enter the ring, then does it again for Some Internet Guy, who obliviously goes to the camera-side instead. Awkward. Ric keeps it awesome, but short to introduce two of the best tagteam guys ever, as he says, to his cohorts. Wow… Matt Hardy (yes, he deserves his real name here) cuts a great promo about being stabbed in the back by the WWE (without actually saying it directly) and that now they are in the same position here, and will do it to the Fourtune Faction in the face. Pass the microphone Bully Ray. He’s gonna rock the sure shot:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RR-mtc7wqKo[/youtube]
[MCA]: I Want To Say a Little Something That’s Long Overdue
The Disrespect To Women Has Got To Be Through
To All The Mothers And Sisters And The Wives And Friends
I Want To Offer My Love And Respect To The End
[Mike D]: Well You Say I’m Twenty Something And Should Be Slacking
But I’m Working Harder Than Ever And You Could Call It Macking
So I’m Supposed To Sit Upon My Couch Watching My T.V.
I’m Still Listening To Wax, I’m Not Using The CD
[Ad-Rock]: I’m That Kid In The Corner
All Fucked Up And I Wanna So I’m Gonna
Take A Piece Of The Pie, Why Not, I’m Not Quitting
Think I’m Gonna Change Up My Style Just To Fit In
I Keep My Underwear Up With A Piece Of Elastic
I Use A Bullshit Mic That’s Made Out Of Plastic
To Send My Rhymes Out To All Nations
Like Ma Bell, I’ve Got The Ill Communications”

– And that, my friends, is how you quote a song. I support every word. Call me on it. Except being “Twenty-something…” because that would be a lie. Sigh. Yeah, I’m old.

Rock the microphone, and then I’m gone?

– Ray is awesome here as usual, challenging the Fourtune to a match at the PPV. They come out to attack! So we get a brawl. The studio lights go red and it’s KANE! KANE IS HERE! BAH GAWD! No, it’s Abyss and he beats up Fourtune as the heels take command. This sets up a three way for the PPV. I wonder where Janice is. I think she’s likely still in the back.

– Did you get that?

Charles Barkley @G: “That was truly a turrible joke, G.”

G @Charles Barkley: “Yep.”

– Backstage Abyss notes this is retribution for the whole Janice thing. I could care less. I lied. He made me care even less. Good job.

– I am forced to watch A Tribe Called Quest video on YouTube for the song “Jam” in protest. Anyone who played in a band while in highschool (no, not the highschool band) at houseparties can relate to this track.

– Meanwhile, the LAX featuring Hernandez, the random run in guy, and Sarita and Rosita are out! YAY! It’s their new country. They’ve taken over, again. Just reminds me of my homefront rant to start this debacle of a review. Hernandez tells us they are the superior race… Rosita says something, as does Sarita. It’s in Spanish. Don’t speak it. Sorry. They call for an American flag, and it is thereby replaced by a Mexican flag. Of course this results in a “U.S.A” chant from the crowd. Iran number one! The new random member asks whether Canadian Matt Morgan will accept their challenge. Devon is also a part of it. FREE TRADE AGREEMENT!

– Matt Morgan/Devon versus Hernandez/Random LAX member. They pretend to wrestle, and when the female LAX people distract the faces, Velvet Sky runs in to help.

Hey PatMan! You could make a cake out of all that makeup, huh?

– The female LAX counterparts beat on Velvet while the show completely forget about the impromptu match continues (I think, we see none of it). But we do see Angelina Love appear to come down to protect Velvet, with zombified-eyes. Remember folks, that the original definition of “zombie” refers to hazed-drugged out slaves, not the undead. Winter, the zombie master, enters and calls off Angelina in an implied-slavery-gimmick? Fuck, I don’t know. I think I made sense out of this garbage. Morgan is shown losing to Hernandez immediately after. WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?

More penguins walk through camera two, on a mother fucking plane. I guess… brain is not working anymore…

– Scott Steiner/Crimson versus Ink Inc. Yawn. At least we’re getting lot’s of matches tonight though.

– I totally got distracted by the “Where’s Randy Savage” meme. I loved Stand By Me. Great short story too…. Yeah, the match was pretty shitty. You knew that though.

– Mr. Anderson versus Razor Van Dam. The crowd is shown as hot for this match. I think they might be confused though, since they came to watch people talk on microphones, not wrestle. Oddly enough we’ve gotten alot of that stuff tonight. Huh…

– With 18 minutes left, I should know better… there’s no way we could get a long match (with a commercial break)…. could we?

?

– Typical entrances kill time… commercials… etc. This has not been RVDTV. Out comes the special guest enforcer, Sting. No baseball bat, though. See, they fucked that obvious aspect to start. And I love both of the combatants. Come on! TNA! STOP FUCKING UP!

– We get an ok match. As opposed to writing a bunch of bullshit about it, I’ll send you a visual instead. It’s not like other people who steal this shit can complain that we’re stealing their shit (see Windows to Apple to Xerox):

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHDUczgXdIM[/youtube]

– Sting plays up the neutral enforcer role as the two put on a clinic normal WWE match. Until Sting decides to attack Anderson who gets disqualified for? Earl Hebner and agents, and people run out to continue to ruin wrestling. Sigh… we got more action tonight than usual… but as J of the Internet would say, “meh.” AND, he’s 30 today… poor guy. LEGS! No one gets that reference but a small minority. I still think the snake takes down the elephant.

– The show ends with Tenay and Taz reminding us that RVDTV is the number one contender as a result of the charade we call iMPACT. Off to attempt to play Homefront online. It’ll likely fail. The difference is that I can trade in this game for money invested… I cannot trade in my time invested watching this tragedy of professional wrestling. Thank god we’ll be celebrating the other aspects not listed here on the Bored Wrestling Fan and Wonderpod-Online websites over the next week!!! Three exclamation points needed!

The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.

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This iMPACT Review Appears on Three Sites!

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Bored Wrestling Fan

A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

Wonderpod Online

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

BTW, Actually
These reviews started off in a place called Project Wonderboy, a site that shares the name with it’s original founder, “whatever.” But this incarnation was under the Morphine Nation banner. That site is now evolved with all it’s original members at BTW, Actually. This place is all about challenging censorship and political correctness in an intelligent way.

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, and Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.