-Ladies and Gentlemen, here is BIG FUCKING WRUSSELMUNYA FOUR!!  This is the fourth year (third in a row) I have reviewed The Big One, and this year in particular, I haven’t been more hyped to watch the show.  Will it live up to my ridiculously high expectations?  WE SHALL SEE!!

Intro

-America The Beautiful, sung by some black lady.  Not a big deal.  The stage looks simplistic, but pretty dang awesome nonetheless.

-We get an unusual, FUN WrestleMania Into and… Oh, it’s just for the Rock.  Whoopie.  He’s here to hype up the crowd for the show!  Except, not.  He would rather get the people hyped up for HIM, and he manages to already get the 70 000-strong to rip on Cena.  This will not bode well…

-Oh, THERE’S the melodramatic “HOLY SHIT THIS SHOW IS SERIOUS BUSINESS GUYS” WrestleMania video package we’ve all grown to expect.

WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

-Woah, wait.  THE WORLD TITLE IS CURTAIN JERKING?  What the hell is THAT about?!  And I thought having the World Title Match in the middle of the card for WrestleMania 23 was bad…

-The Stage for WM 27 is neat, in that it has personalized backdrops for the wrestlers.  Albert Del Rio’s is his supposed palatial estate, and it looks like he’s coming out of the driveway with his Rolls Royce and stuff.  Edge’s isn’t as good, but he also has a giant EDGE-CUBE for his entrance!

-A very capable match, actually.  At the very least, it certainly told a story.  Edge has a sore arm, and Albert Del Rio continuously worked it, and attempted to lock in the Cross Arm Breaker (he needs a name for it… how about… The Kingmaker?).  Michael Cole, in his hypoallergenic cube, brings up that Edge has never successfully defended the World Title at WrestleMania.  GEE, Maybe you could have brought this up BEFORE?  Whatever.

-The Finish was actually very impressive!  Both guys reverse the other’s finisher, and Edge nails a QUICK spear for the win!  In the post-match Bonus Round, Edge beats the shit out of Del Rio’s classic car, as Christian holds him at bay with a lead pipe.

CAPTAIN AMERICA VS. DOCTOR DOOM

-For those of you who don’t watch SmackDown, a few months back, Rey busted up Cody Rhodes’ pretty face with a kneebrace-assisted 619.  So, Cody’s turned into this Phantom of the Opera-like guy, wearing a protective plastic mask he uses AS A GAT-DANGED WEAPON, KING!

-I TOTALLY knew Rey Mysterio would come out dressed as Captain America, btw.  This has become one of WrestleMania’s little pleasures, seeing what costume Rey wears.

-Again, another STORY-heavy match, which is good.  It was a very sturdy midcard match.  Cody kept going after Rey’s kneebrace, and Rey eventually ripped off Cody’s faceplate, and used it to Headbutt Cody a lot.  Cody picks up the win by CLOCKING Rey in the head with his own kneebrace.

You Bumped Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan FOR THIS STUPID SHIT!

-Vince McMahon and WWE Creative have the worst sense of humour.  THE WORST.

BLINK AND YOU’LL MISS IT!

-It’s fucking sad when the Ring Entrances last longer than the match itself.  And, considering that The Corre vs. Big Show, Kane, Eurotrash Superstar and Kofi Kingston had respectable hype going in, it’s damned insulting that their match lasted 3 milliseconds.  Everyone got their finisher in, and poor Heath Slater was squashed like a grape.

Again, You Bumped Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan FOR THIS?  WHAT THE HELL?

-Backstage, The Rock is chatting up Eve Stupid Torres, one of FIVE people holding a championship title, and the only one not wrestling in any capacity tonight.  Shows you how much they value that stupid belt…

-ANYWAY, the Rock says he can make ANYONE famous (and by famous, he means constantly bury them via satellite).  In fact, the NEXT person he sees, he’ll give them a WrestleMania moment!  Oh lord…

-…It’s Mae Young.  They’ve let her out of her hyperbolic chamber so that she can make gross sexual remarks.  The Rock keeps making fun of her age, which isn’t very nice, Rock.  After Mae buggers off, Rock turns around anHOLY SHIT.  It’s Stone Cold Steve Austin!  Stone Cold Steve Austin is staring down The Rock for the first time in eight years.  Now THAT’s a WrestleMania moment.

CM PUNK VS. RANDY ORTON SHOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER THAN IT WAS

-Ok, now things are getting repetitive.  The third match out of four that has been built around a fucking injury.  A LITTLE VARIETY, PERHAPS?

-That’s not to say that the match was terrible, because it wasn’t.  At this point, it’s impossible for these dudes (CM Punk moreso) to have a shitty match, but come on.  They could have at least TRIED to build this match around something else.

-The end comes where CM Punk evades ONE RKO, but sets himself up for a spectacular flying RKO!  Randy Orton has his vengeance on the Nexus!

Ugh.

-There is no justice in this world.  None whatsoever.  See, there’s no room for Daniel Bryan at WrestleMania, but there’s PLENTY of time for PEE WEE HERMAN!  I’m slowly beginning to hate this show.

WWE HALL OF FAME CLASS OF 2011

-Man, EVERYONE’s hating on Drew Carey!  He got heckled on Saturday night, and he’s getting booed by 70 000 people on Sunday night.  Dude, it’s not his fault that WWE wanted him in the Hall Of Fame, don’t hate on him!

-Sunny looks INCREDIBLY gorgeous.  She’s worked very hard to return to form, so she deserves this accolade, no matter how legitimate some people think it is.

-The only person who deserves it more is Hacksaw Jim Duggan, one of three professional wrestlers I have met (GREAT dude), and the only one alive that I genuinely cannot make fun of.  Dude survived cancer.  Also, his 2×4 having a Bow Tie was adorable.

The Worst Match In WrestleMania History

-Absolutely EVERYTHING about this match was wrong.  WRONG WRONG WRONG.

-This match should have lasted, at MOST, 10 minutes.  It should have been Jerry Lawler beating the tar out of Michael Cole for a quick win, followed by Steve Austin giving Michael Cole a Stunner, making everyone happy.  But, that’s not what happened.

-Instead, we are treated to what felt like FOREVER of flabby Michael Cole (with awful tattoos) doing some of the most godawful basic wrestling ever showcased on PPV, and Lawler selling it like a champ.  The fact that he took ANY offence from Cole is bad enough.  The fact that Lawler’s offence consisted of 5 punches is worse.  But, the fact that the decision was reversed, and that Cole won by DQ is the worse insult of all.  What a great lesson to teach the kids!  You can be an obnoxious prick all you want, hell, you can even call your co-workers “Faggots,” and you never, ever have to worry about any comeuppance!

-This was not fun, this wasn’t even a trainwreck.  This is, single-handedly, the Worst WrestleMania match I have ever seen.  Worse than Jake Roberts-Rick Martel.  Worse than Chyna-Ivory.  Worse than even the Infamous Giant Gonzales-Undertaker match from WrestleMania IX.  This debacle ruined the entire show for me.

-Ok, I’ll be honest.  There WERE two things about this I liked.  One, the Return of Austin’s 4-Wheeler (watching Steve Austin whip around the ring in it ALWAYS makes me smile).  And two, the (if there IS any justice, PERMANENT) return of Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

UNDERTAKER vs. TRIPLE H TWO

-Holy Shit.  Triple H’s entrance was just simply fantastic.  WONDERFUL.  Having For Whom The Bell Tolls, and having him come dressed out as Skeletor was just… Damn.  Well done, Trips!

-For the second year in a row, we’re treated to another Undertaker video game match.  No pacing, no smooth flow.  Just BAM, right to the high spots.  Almost immediately, they demolish Michael Cole’s hypoallergenic chamber, and brawl all over ringside.  In the FIRST sick bump of the night, Taker backdrops Hunter off of the English Announce Table (Trips landed HARD).  Taker follows this up by rolling back into the ring and he TORPEDOES himself at Triple H.  Jesus Christ!  And THEN, Taker attempts to chokeslam Trips through the Spanish Announce Table, but Hunter counters with a SICK looking spinebuster.  FUCK.  They’re trying to kill each other!

-They eventually find their way back into the ring, where they proceed to hit each other with their own finishers a lot, only to have the other kick out.  And then, the sickest shot of the night happens, when Triple H BEANS Taker in the face.  IN THE FACE.  with a steel chair.  Hunter starts to yell at Taker to STAY DOWN, but the Undertaker won’t do it.  He just won’t do it.  So, Hunter nails the Tombstone on the Undertaker.  I actually thought that this would be it.  BUTNO!  The Undertaker powers out!

-Triple H has only one trick left up his sleeve.  That trusty Sledgehammer.  Jim Ross (who has been a GODSEND for this show) poetically compares the Sledgehammer to the Man himself.  But, before the H’s can use it, Taker grabs Hunter and locks in the Hell’s Gate!  Triple H is trying to grab the Sledgehammer, like he did to get out of the Last Ride a decade ago, but he doesn’t have the strength to follow through.  Trips taps out, and Taker goes 19-0!

-But wait… something’s not right.  The Undertaker isn’t moving.  He doesn’t move for, like, 5 minutes.  I honestly thought he was dead, for a moment; it legitimately scared me.  Taker is taken to the back on a cart, because he can’t stand on his own.  I really hope he’s alright…

-Nice timing with the DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME video, guys.

THE ONLY MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA, AS FAR AS TMZ IS CONCERNED

-Do you honestly give a shit about this match?  I did not think so.  SNOOKI (with Trish Stratus and John Morrisson) gets the win.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

-Wow.  WOW.  The video package, hyping the Miz’s career, juxtaposed with videos of legendary World Champions, was mindblowingly great.  The Miz is a BIG FUCKING DEAL, and this it even more evident.

-SHAME on the Shithead Attitude Fans for booing a GOSPEL CHOIR.  Who the hell BOOS a Choir?  Yeah, thanks, Rock, for turning the crowd on John Cena 4 hours ago, you fucking cock.

-The Shithead fans will NOT get into this match.  Cena and The Miz are trying their best here, but these assholes won’t get behind John Cena.  All of Cena’s offence gets booed, which is a damned shame.  They eventually find themselves into the crowd, but get COUNTED OUT?  Ok, NOW you may boo, Asshole fans!

-BUTWAIT!  Here’s The Rock!  He’s here to save the day!  He Smashes the RAW GM, and says that the Miz-John Cena is going to restart!  No Count Outs!  No DQs!  MANIA AIN’T OVER!

-…Except for when the Rock nails Cena with the Rock Bottom, allowing Miz to get the Cheap win, and then pummel and hit the Miz with the People’s Elbow, just because.  Mania ends with The Rock standing triumphant.

All in All…

-I feel like a fool.  A damned fool.  Here I was, for WEEKS, touting this WrestleMania as a Mania that would be special, that would be the harbinger for a New Era in professional wrestling.  I even dared to compare it with WrestleMania X-Seven, for fuck’s sake!  Oh, what a fool I was…

-Instead of the GROUNDBREAKING show in which the New Era of WWE would finally take the reigns and strike out on their own, we have the fucking Rock shit all over it, for no good reason.  Fantastic, the Shithead Attitude Fans get to go home happy, that their hero the Rock SMASHED those damned fools, The Miz and John Cena, for having the audacity of being currently the top stars in the company.

-Aside from that, the show was average, at best.  Three matches built around the same concept, one spotfest, one throwaway celebrity appearance, and The Worst WrestleMania Match of All Time.  I can’t believe I paid money for this.

-END.

Enjoy the comedic stylings of Al Creed?  Visit TCRComix.com, and follow him on The Twitter @AlCreed!
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