-WOAH!  HEY!  How’s it going, dudes!  As you probably noticed, I didn’t do a RAW Reflections last week, because it conflicted with a Flyers game, and if you know me, Flyers playoff games trump EVERYTHING.  However, no such problem.  So, consider yourselves lucky!  Oh, and it’s a SPECIAL RAW!  The Monday Night RAW that pops my bubble every year, the bubble in which the Roster Split doesn’t exist for four months.  Goddamn you, Draft.

-ANYWAY, we start off, and I mean that in the most literal sense, with a Brand Battle Royale!  yeah, good luck navigating this!  The Big Show (who looks like he’s getting sloppy-fat again) and Kofi Kingston win!  And with that, we get a SmackDown Draft Pick!

-Beep boop beep boop… the Draftulator 5000 picks…. JOHN CENA!  John Cena’s heading back to SmackDown!

-Backstage, NADD GRISHAM IS HERE!  he’s talking with new SmackDown Superstar John Cena!  He’s making a bunch of Sci Fi refrences because SmackDown is on SyFy.  I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.

-Back at ringside, R-Truth… cuts one of the most awkward heel promos I have ever seen.  He REALLY got upset that the crowd was “WHAT”-ing him, didn’t he?  They’ve been doing that for the better part of a decade now, Ron… Anyway, R-Truth tells us a story about his Imaginary Friend, Little Johnny, and how Little Johnny loves to watch R-Truth sing and dance, but refuses to help him win Championships.  Little Johnny sounds like a racist fuck.  HOLDING THE MAN DOWN.  R-Truth also says “Pissing” about 50 times, so he’ll probably be fined up the asshole for that.  John Morrisson MERCIFULLY ends this by attacking R-Truth.  CUT TO COMMERCIAL!

-COMMERCIAL:  Randy Orton is in some weird period piece WWE Films made.  Because, you know, full-sleeve skull/tribal tattoos were all the rage in the 1950’s!

-Back from break, AWESOME KONG IS COMING.  Except, she’s called Kharma now.  HIDE YOUR BRATZ DOLLS, KIDS!!!

-Eve Stupid Torres vs. Layla.  HOW DO YOU THINK IT WENT?!  RAW gets a Draft Pick.

Beep boop beep boop… the Draftulator 5000 picks… REY MYSTERIO JR!  I can’t recall, has Rey EVER been a part of the RAW Roster?

-Backstage, DR. CODY VON DOOM is with Nadd Grisham.  I wish Cody would start wearing elaborate face protectors…

-Kofi Kingston vs. Sheamus is kick after kick after kick!  Both these guys are probably as tired as hell, after wrestling that Battle Royale.  Anyway, Kofi gets the surprise win, and SmackDown gets another pick!

-Beep boop beep boop… the Draftulator 5000 picks… RANDY ORTON!  Corey’s not going to like that one…

-Michael Cole is wrestling Jim Ross for some reason.  I don’t know why.  I wish they would not, because this match is absolutely brutal, and so are Michael Cole’s tattoos.  Cole ends up with a busted lip, and bleeds all over JR’s face.  I hope Cole doesn’t have Hep C…  A belt comes into play, and Cole starts whipping JR’s ass, only to get blindsided by Jerry Lawler and whipped himself!  RAW General Manager THE COMPUTOR interrupts, and says that the JR/Lawler vs. Cole/Swagger tag match an XTREEM RULZ is now a COUNTRY WHIPPIN’ MATCH.  Man, I love WWE for shit like this.  They go to all this hard work, trying to shed itself of the supposed hickish nature of professional wrestling, and then they go ahead and promote a COUNTRY WHIPPIN’ MATCH.  I guess you can take the Multi-Millionare out of Appalachia, but you can’t take the Appalachia out of the Multi-Millionare…

-Dolph Ziggler looks SO INCREDIBLY GENERIC with his new Haircut.  the least they could have done is let him keep it platinum blonde.  He looks like fucking Mark Jindrak now!  He’s against SmackDown Superstar RANDY ORTON for a draft pick!  Wait…  Am I to infer that tonight’s RAW is completely booked on the fly, here?  What would have happened if Randy WASN’T drafted to SmackDown?  RAW would have won the draft pick regardless!  Who cares, Randy won.  Fire up the  Draftulator 5000…

-Beep boop beep boop… the Draftulator 5000 picks… WAIT!  CM PUNK IS HERE!

-CM Punk says that, at XTREEM RULZ, the blood feud is over.  Orton retorts that, at XTREEM RULZ, Punky’s gonna sleep.  AN UNCONSCIOUS SLEEP.  Uh, Randy… it’s called a “Coma.”

-During the break, SmackDown drafted Mark Henry (no caps.  Not exciting) and SIN CARA!  Guess who’s being demoted!

-Another weird, “On The Fly” match involves Wade Barrett (REMEMBER WHEN HE WAS A TOP HEEL, KIDS?!) and new RAW Superstar, Rey Mysterio!  This one is academic, Rey wins, and RAW gets its two Draft Picks!

-Beep boop beep boop… the Draftulator 5000 picks… THE BIG SHOW!  That means the second pick is obviously Kane HOLY SHIT ALBERTO DEL RIO!  YES!  YES YES YES!!!

-We cut IMMEDIATELY to Alberto Del Rio and Roberto Rodriguez having an argument in Spanish.  Brodus Clay shuffles in and says “WHUT ABOUT ME, BOSS?”  To which, Brodus Clay is immediately forgotten, and sent back down to FCW!  WHERE HE BELONGS.

-Cole is back on commentary, and I have to comment on his RIDICULOUS redecorating of his hypoallergenic cube.  Since he’s supposedly an English Knight now, he has it littered with Union Jacks and HOLY FUCK a cardboard standee of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

-…I never, ever thought I would mention Kate Middleton in a wrestling column.  Never.

-The Main Event is Alberto Del Rio, CM Punk, and The Miz (BOO!  BAD GUYS!!)  vs. Christian, Mark Henry, and John Cena for the LAST Draft Pick!  The only remarkable thing was Mark Henry turning heel FOR NO RAISON, and letting Team BAD GUY pick up the win, and the Last Draft Pick!  And it is…

-Beep boop beep boop… the Draftulator 5000 picks… JOHN CENA?!  WHAT THE FUCK?!

-…No, WWE.  NO.  YOU CANNOT DO THAT!  That’s DIRTY FUCKING POOL, WWE!

-All in all, the Show was more of a maintenance thing.  the matches didn’t matter, and were only a vehicle to the Draft Picks, which is ok, I guess.  Tossing John Cena back and forth pissed me off a little bit, but whatever.  ALBERTO DEL RIO is on this show, now, and that’s fucking awesome, dudes.

-END.