I am starting a new series, mostly because I can. This will be a diary of my minecraft single player experiences, told with my flair for weird and twisted. Meaning you take one part Sandy Toaster Pant’s plus one part video game. You end up with a nice and hopefully funny little diary of sorts. Nothing as spine tingling as Anne Frank mind you, but a diary all the same. Enjoy episode one of the minecraft diary.

DAY 1: I  arrived Mineshire, county fork naked and screaming. I assume anyone who had their clothes burned off by a fire and no water in sight would be in the same condition. After escaping the flames. I found a nice cliff with some trees at the bottom. I quickly chopped some wood with my bare hands as all my clan is skilled in tree fu. From there I tunneled straight in to the mountain making a temporary shelter. I was almost ready to explore my surroundings when night fell.

The first night was hellish. There where screams and all kind of wild sounds outside. All I could see was glowing eyes outside the cave entrance. Luckily I shoveled some dirt in a a pile so nothing could get in. Okay, so a chicken got in and I promptly named him Nigel. Unfortunately Nigel decided to venture outside before sun up. Shortest time I have ever had a pet. I couldn’t think about the poor bird as the day was upon me.

DAY 2: The dawn has brought a strange site to my tired eyes. There appears to be creatures burning all around outside my shelter. They seem to be in agony and oh wait. These must be the mobs I heard so much about as a child. Strong as a bull at night and flammable as a fart during daylight. It amazes me that they just stand there and burn, which I suppose is good for me. Although the smell is fairly nasty. Reminds me of mothers cooking actually. After all the mobs are dead, I venture out to collect wood, some sand to fortify my shelter. Luckily I had the best selling book 101 things you need to survive fork. I even was able to make a door and a work bench before the day ended. My plan for the night was to create a bed and a sword.

I almost have the bed finished in a separate chamber of my now cave. All the stone I collected is safely tucked away in a chest for future use. I suppose now is as good a time to record what I am doing in Mineshire. I was sent as an advance scout for a party of hearty settlers yearning for there own place. We are proud nudists, who just want a chance to be ourselves. I have decided until I know the lay of the land I will wear clothing. Better to be safe than sorry is my motto. Okay I now have a crude, but effective sword, time for bed.

DAY 3: I had just stepped out of my shelter when I saw a large hairy beast speeding towards me. It was a spider, oh lord I have heard of these. The elder, Hobo Fraggins mentioned them one night. I miss old hobo, his story’s at the tavern were always the best. You could always tell if he was lying by checking to see if his knob was waving. Anyway I had better run, arghhhhh it’s on top of me. I think it’s trying to mate with me, oh lord better get my sword out. Whew I think I stabbed it, before it could stab me. Well look at that, upon death it secreted a white string like substance. There is almost enough here for a bow, what good fortune. Now that I have shelter, I best be on the look out for some food. Oh looks some brown mushrooms.

DAY 4: Ugh, what happened to me? Oh wait I seem to recall eating some mushrooms and then riding a cow around in circles. Then straight through the door of my cave. Yep, look at that damn door is off it’s hinges. Strange as I fixed my door I noticed a green bipedal fellow heading towards me. I wonder if he is friendly. I will step a little further away from the door and greet him with a hearty wave. Strange he just keeps walking this way. Oh wait now he is making some kind of sound. Maybe he has a speech impediment. Oh lord he is starting to swell, that can’t good. Ugh, I am not sure but I think the poor bugger just exploded. My ears are ringing to no end. After the mushrooms that isn’t a good feeling let me tell you. I think I had better rest and recover for a while. Maybe tomorrow I will scout out a location for our colony.