Whoop dee do. It’s time for Impact Wrestling… remember how the weeks leading up to Destination X were really good shows, and promising that TNA was turning things around? Me neither. Let’s hop to this, I suppose.

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s iMPACT reviews work.

ANNOUNCEMENT!
NEXT WEEK! SPECIAL REVIEW! I AM GOING TO BE REVIEWING SMACKDOWN, BUT WHO COULD BE THE REVIEWER OF IMPACT WRESTLING! HOW LONG BEFORE I REALIZE MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON IS ACTIVE? THE ONLY WAY TO FIND OUT IS TUNE IN AUGUST 4TH 2011 TO FIND OUT!!

– Kurt Angle is angry, and calls out Hulk Hogan to start our show. Hogan has been ringing Angle’s phone off the hook all week, and Angle doesn’t fuck around here. He has no interest in Immortal and Hogan’s cronies. Angle plans on beating Sting at Hardcore Justice by his lonesome, and be the best in the world… does Hogan know what that’s like? Hogan rants on about his glory days, etc., 1984, and so on. George Orwell, right?

Charles Barkley @G: “What’s all this big brother talk, G? I’m a big brother.”

G @Charles Barkley: “Yeah, you’ve totally let yourself go…”

– Notable here, is that Hogan says he will never wrestle again due to his injuries… but if Angle or anyone talks smack about his family he’ll fight them. Then Hogan debates whether Angle really won his gold medal in 1996, or if the Olympic judges had sympathy for the golden boy from Philadelphia with a broken neck since he didn’t actually get a pin. “Every great warrior has one fight left in him,” retorts Angle.

– The Network sent something for Bischoff, which an intern hands to him in an envelope.

– * Bound for Glory Series Match: RVD vs. Gunner. We’re shown the standings in the tournament that has Crimson at the top spot with 31 points and Gunner just behind him with 28. Yes, your current leaders are Crimson and Gunner. Weak.

– Anyways, Gunner isn’t as mind-boggling horrible as the atrocity that is Crimson, and with RVD carrying him, this match is surprisingly fairly decent. RVD either hits or sets up his usual slough of spots to be countered to make this feel balanced. Except for the part where Gunner is supposed to set up RVD in a tree of woe, but drops him on his head. Apparition fans of ECW phase into the audience and chant “You fucked up,” but is not caught on TV, nor by the live crowd in Orlando (the latter of which have yet to figure out how crowd chants work yet). Gunner relies on his look and tattoos to appear as a threat, but no tattoo can save him from the five star frogsplash from the whole F’n show as RVD picks up a pinfall win. This puts him in a tie for second place with Gunner.

This one is for J.T., albeit I’m sure a number of other folks will enjoy it too.

– Hey! Sign up for Mylife.com so you can see who is stalking searching for you online! Post nude pics, so I can blackmail you later! KTHX LULZ?

– Eric Bischoff is seen in a bull shit session with Immortal, and a subtle product placement is noted as Bully Ray shakes up a 5 Hour Energy bottle. I’m still not buying one, and the fact that a heel is attached to it is really stupid product placement. The Network expects Bischoff and Hogan to hire and build around the X Division due it’s recent success. Wait… what? Fuck, I hope they do!! Immortal reacts negatively, then Hogan bursts in, and wants Angle’s head. Bully bullies Anderson into taking out Angle by saying, “If you’re afraid, we can get Karen to do it…”

Coming to get you…

– Bischoff is set to continue with his letter, and in enters Heath Farley dressed in a red suit, with a box draped in a black cloth. Sting tells us that he has been made a Network Exec. He makes the Anderson/Angle match in a cage, with Fortune around the ring tonight to ensure no interference goes down.

– Brian Kendrick and Alex Shelley are in the ring, Kendrick cuts another one of his cryptic bizzaro speeches. Shelley translates, “So basically what you’re saying is that Austin Aries is a jack ass.” Out comes Aries to retort. Shelley runs down the list of guys who have built up the X Division with hybrid and exciting wrestling, and not pulling douche-bag moves like pulling tights, using chains, etc. Aries points out he has years of five star matches under his belt, but now he wants 5 figure bank accounts. Great promo work here! KENDRICK LOSES HIS COOL! 🙂 He is the champion, and his intent is to purify himself, his surroundings, and the X Division, and Aries has termites in his soul! Shelley tells Aries to shove his five star divisions up his ass, and the Network has informed them that the three of them will have a three way dance at Hardcore Justice for their title. Abyss enters, and reminds Kendrick that Hogan/Bischoff have given Abyss his rematch for the X Division title TONIGHT! CRAZY STING APPEARS ON THE TRINATRON AND TWEAKS THE MATCH! He’s making tonight’s match an Ultimate X match! “Ta ta for now,” says Sting. Ok, as much as that was overbooked, I enjoyed the hell out of that segment!

The kids are alright! Well… umm… maybe, not THIS kid. But the rest are A-Ok!

– Matt Morgan tore a pectoral muscle after nine years without injury. But with a torn right pec, he’s got to pull himself out of the BFG tournament, and he’s sad because this is his livelihood until the aliens find his DNA in outerspace. Wayne Arnold gives him some nuggies as the segment ends. Morgan cries a little.

– We’re shown some house show results that impacted the BFG tournament standings! There are a bunch of matches that help explain the current standings, and these were in place before tonight’s initial showing of the chart. Cut to Bully Ray playing Angry Birds on his cell phone, not concerned with his match with Crimson tonight. Then he talks shit about AJ ending with, “Okey Dokey? You know why I say ‘Okey Dokey’? Because I can.” What a shitty line. Who is writing this? Oh right…

This guy!

-* Bound for Glory Series Match: Bully Ray vs. Crimson. I know, right? Sadly, I can’t see Ray carrying Crimson through here as RVD did for Gunner earlier. This fucking sucked. Bully Ray punches Crimson a bunch. Then attempts a Full Nelson, but is reversed into a shitty slam as Crimson wins. God help you if you watched this.

– Bischoff is yelling at someone on the phone about getting the Network on the phone. That’ll be a huge conference call. Madison Rayne tells Wayne Arnold she is going to wait ringside for Tara, only to be interrupted by Heath Farley, meh.

– * Winter (w/ Angelina Love) vs. Tara (w/ Miss Tessmacher). I guess Tessmacher and Tara are lesbians now, or something like that since they do a kiss bit before the match starts. Why do women in TNA have to all be sexually ambiguous? Sigh… I’ve said many times, and will say it again. I CAN DOWNLOAD PORN. I HAS THE INTERWEBS! Speaking of which… just kidding, I’ll do that after the review.

I don’t masturbate like normal males, as my penis is located in my nose. See? Do you see now? And yes, I am a gorilla. Hater.

– Anyways, back to this debacle. I’ll give credit where credit is due (did I just write that part above? Sheesh), these two women CAN go, so I have mild hopes we’ll get a match here. But we don’t. Instead, we get maybe 2 minutes at best… and after some good looking moves (and yes Pintnoir, Burchill looks great), Winter picks up a win on what might have been a botched spot.

– * Ultimate X Match For The X-Division Title: Brian Kendrick {C} vs. Abyss. Seriously… how does Abyss actually climb the X here? Abyss’ look at the structure tells the same story as he enters the ring. This starts with the usual tale of the David vs Goliath showdown. An early show of offense by Kendrick has him leap up the side and onto the apparatus towards the suspended belt. As he scrambles, Abyss merely reaches up and pulls him down!!! NICE! That, my fellow smarks, is psychology. Kendrick tries again, BUT NO! PULLED DOWN!! In a great spot, Abyss goes to slam Kendrick above his head, but KENDRICK GRABS THE TITLE IN MIDAIR TO WIN!!! GREAT FINISH! I can’t believe they got this one right, but they did. Both men look strong. The giant looks like a fooled monster, while the champ retains looking like a genius. Well done.

What didn’t appear to be awesome at first, ended up exceeded expectations.

– Jesus versus Batman. Thank you to J of the Internet for bringing THIS to my attention. I would have posted it as a .jpg, but it’s way too long.

– Eric Young is hunting David Hasslehoff this week, and meets with the “Hoff’s” agent. It’s a funny bit! Young brings the crazy with the bit, and the Hoff’s agent advises acting lessons for Young. I don’t know why I love this series, maybe it’s because I am into retarded backstory segments?

– Traci Brooks and Velvet Sky…

Rule!!

– …are in the ring, and Brooks calls out not-under-contract Jackie and ODB to the ring. She calls them “dames.” This is a refreshing change from “bitches” and “sluts.” Brooks breaks the fourth wall a bit, noting she intentionally stepped down from wrestling to allow new fresh faces into the business for the betterment of the business. ODB disagrees, slut accusations, etc. Velvet attempts to cut a promo, more on the being bullied as a child. She earned her spot, and so forth. Velvet makes a great point that instead of attacking her week in, and week out, why don’t they just apply for a job?

– All five members of Fourtune talk about beating up Immortal… some kind of tease for Daniels and AJ is played, and then Sting enters, mumbling something about a cage… because that’s the next match.

How do I not make Sting’s exit into a custom animated gif for this review? Not possible. Awesome? TURRIBLE? You decide!

– Bischoff yells at “The Network” about being disrespected and the like. Yes, the Network is one guy? After all Easy-E’s yelling, the Network wants to talk to Sting, and of course Heath Farley is on the scene to draw the camera man, Wayne Arnold, into the office. Sting admits he is not the Network Exec, and it was all in his head. He sarcastically breaks down that the Ultimate X match was all a sham? WHAT? So, then Sting opens the cage concealed beneath the black cloth, and reveals a bird who is allowed to fly out and hop around the office. I double check my LSD bottle. Nope, haven’t used it tonight. Umm… I don’t know.

– * Cage Match: Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle. Hey it’s wrestling? Something that makes sense? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed crazy Sting tonight, but have no clue where that stuff is going. This match goes through the paces with a small amount of time left. They build slowly, and that makes sense. No massive spots, but since we haven’t had a brawl tonight, Immortal run out and attack the five members of Fourtune. Bully Ray is the sixth man, and is able to hide and interfere through the camera man hole in the cage on Angle! Then he gives Anderson a pep talk, plus passes a steel chair through the cage… or does he? See, Bully holds onto the chair as Anderson attempts to take it from him, but Bully pulls it back numerous times. As a result, Angle recovers and picks up a pin to win.

– The lights go off, and Sting appears in the cage with Angle. They have a brief staredown, but then Sting raises Angle’s hand in victory, more Joker crap…

The Impact Wrestling logo comes up, and I’m out.

Hi Colt Cabana!

– Overall? I enjoyed this episode. The good outweighed the bad.

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This iMPACT Review Appears on Three Sites!

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BTW, Actually
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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, and Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.